New Year's Eve, eve

 

It's almost over, my friends.  2020 is on its way out.  Almost done; almost finished; almost gone.

MOUSES!

I've just gotta get through the rest of today, and then twenty-four hours tomorrow, and then...

And then...

THEN IT'LL BE 2021!

MOUSES!

I can't say this enough, my friends: 2020 was what you find in a used kitty litter box year, for sure.

Litter used by a kitty with loose bowels.

MOUSES!

But I have high hopes for 2021.  First of all, I'm plannin' on kickin' the peeps out...

Okay, so I'm not actually gonna kick Peepers out of the house

Well, not permanently, at least.  A cat needs to keep some staff on paw for litter box duties, openin' tins and things, and stuff like that.

But I am gonna STRONGLY SUGGEST that she spends a whole lot more time outdoors.

Away from me.

'Cept when I need her, of course.

MOUSES!

And I'm also gonna suggest she follows my list of things to do in 2021.  Some might call it a list of New Year's resolutions.  I, on the other paw, call it what it is: A TO-DO LIST, for the peep.

Like I said, a list of things to do.

MOUSES!

So top on my list is, of course, keepin' out of my fur when I need her to be keepin' out.  No more of this pesterin' the cat business on account of bein' stuck at home and havin' nothin' better to do.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHIN' BETTER TO DO than pesterin' me.

MOUSES!

And no more of these hugs and kisses when SHE wants hugs and kisses, either.  Peepers can hug me if I say it's okay, and only when I do.

Which is never.

MOUSES!

And as for the kisses...

HAS THE WOMAN NEVER HEARD OF SOCIAL DISTANCIN'?

MOUSES!

So basically, my New Year's Resolutions for the peep, otherwise known as my list of items for Peepers to do, include - but are in no way limited to - providin' me with meals, snacks, and treats; sewing and knitting up nip-filled biff bags and nipmice; openin' the door when I want it opened and standin' by said door when I just wanna sit there and breath in the fresh air but not actually go outside on account of it bein' cold or rainy or...  or super freezin' cold 'cause we live in Canada and in Canada, winters are cold; and, of course, KEEPIN' OUT OF MY FUR.

Did I mention the keepin' out of my fur bit before?

Of course I did.

MOUSES!

And...  

AND...

And nothin'.  If Peepers can do those four things in 2021, this next year is gonna be a great year, for sure.

And before I conclude my final blog post for 2020, I'd just like to say...

SAYONARA 2020.

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT!

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

forty-one weeks

So I've come to the conclusion...

SO I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION...

I've come to the conclusion, all this stayin' at home business for the past two hundred and twenty-three million, one hundred and seventy-one thousand, two hundred cat seconds, is not only gettin' on the nerves of cats and peeps alike, but...

BUT IT'S GETTIN' ON THE NERVES OF MOTHER NATURE, AS WELL.

MOUSES!

This here is Canada, Mama of the Earth and Weather, and it's winter, and Canadian winter weather is not meant to be like what it is right now, at all.

Why just the other day...

Just the other day, it was Christmas, and did we have nice fluffy snow and a chill in the air like we're SUPPOSED to have on Christmas Day?

NO.  No, instead we had drizzle and fourteen degrees.

That's in Celsius for my American friends, which is 'bout fifty-seven degrees for you.

MOUSES!

Then on Boxing Day - the glorious day when cats all over Canada spend an entire twenty-four hours indoors by a fire or some kinda central heatin', luxuriating in boxes, escaping the cold winter weather outdoors.  Well the Boxin' Day temperatures were high just like those on Christmas, and...  And the drizzle turned into rain!  HEAVY rain, I might add.

MOUSES!

Now here we are, two days later, and the sun is shinin' beautifully and there's a smatterin' of snow.

Well there WAS a smatterin' of snow when I first awoke this mornin', but that sun has gone and melted it makin' it disappear.

MOUSES!

Not that I mind a good sun puddle or two.  Mind?  I LOVE 'EM, to tell you the truth, but still...

But still, this is Canada and in Canada, winters are SUPPOSED to be cold.  And snowy.  And Christmases are supposed to be white.  Not this green cra...

Um...

Nah, I can say crap.  Got a whole year 'til next Christmas.  Plenty of time to get back on Santa's good list, for sure.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, I've come to the conclusion that Mother Nature must be havin' a bad year just like the rest of us are, and her bad mood is wreckin' havoc with our Canadian weather.

So...

So I'm gonna say this once and I sure do hope I don't have to say it again:  Mama Nature?  GET WITH THE PROGRAM FOR PETE'S SAKE!  We need SNOW in winter, and keep the rain for other times of year.  'Cause if you're not careful ol' Mama of the Earth and Weather, YOU'LL end up on Santa's Naughty List next year, for sure.

And let me tell ya, if this freaky weather doesn't improve, pronto, I'LL put your name on that Naughty List, myself, I will.

I have connections, you know.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

Christmas Eve, Eve

 

Oohhh boy - *rubs front paws together with glee* - only two more days 'til Christmas.  Today is Christmas Eve, Eve

MOUSES!

That's right, only two days left before the Big Guy in Red stops by my house with nip mice and treats.

I CAN'T WAIT!

Okay, so I actually can.  Wait, I mean.  It's not like I have a choice, anyway.  The calendar is what it is, and Christmas is still two days away.

MOUSES!

This Christmas is gonna be different from others, for sure.  Due to COVID travel restrictions, I haven't been able to use my teleportation device, so this year there are no Christmas adventures for me.  I did consider firin' up the ol' flyin' fryin' pan anyway and flyin' right past the border patrols and stuff, but...

BUT IT WOULD BE WRONG.

So I didn't.

MOUSES!

I also briefly considered doin' a little time-travellin' and travellin' back in time to a pre-pandemic world, but...

BUT THAT WOULD BE WRONG, TOO.

So I didn't.

Didn't wanna risk startin' a pandemic up in some other time.  Can you IMAGINE bein' responsible for somethin' like that?  My gosh, I'd end up on Santa's naughty list for eternity, never to see the Big Guy in Red, again.

MOUSES!

I did get to chat with some birdies this mornin'.  Yup, chatted with a couple blue jays emptying out the feeder Peepers filled earlier today.  They're not travellin' anywhere for Christmas, either.  Why would they?  They've got the peep wrapped 'round their little feet, fillin' up feeders for 'em and cleanin' up the messes they leave behind.

Oh, you should have seen 'em today.  TWO blue jays perched on either side of a feeder not meant for birds the size of blue jays, at all, treatin' it like a seesaw or somethin' and dumpin' all the bird seed out.

That, too, IS WRONG, but hey, I'M not arguin' with a couple squawky jays.

MOUSES!

So this year, besides those blue jays who are stickin' around, I'll be spendin' Christmas at home and all alone...

Well with the peeps, I suppose, but I won't be cavorting with Rudolf or Santa or any elves...

Which is a good thing, in a way, 'cause let me tell ya, ELVES CAN GET AWFULLY CRANKY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR.

It's the stress of havin' to make all those toys on a tight deadline and then havin' to wrap 'em all up.

MOUSES!

But even though I have no adventures on the go on account of my STAYIN' THE BLAZES HOME just like Premier McNeil says we should do, I can always share some Christmas adventures from years, past.  Right?  RIGHT.

MOUSES!

So here you are, my friends.  Here are some of my adventures from the many Christmases that have come before.  ENJOY!

The Santa Sack, part I, and The Santa Sack, part II, 2019

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, 2018

 The Shelf Elf, 2017

Santa's Mail Train and Mason to the Rescue, 2017

Reindeer Dust and Seville Saves Christmas, 2016

The Mysterious Ornament, 2015

The Naughty List, 2014

Home in Time for Christmas, 2013

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY FRIENDS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

forty weeks

 

So here we are...

FORTY WEEKS.

Yup.  Yup.  Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup...

MOUSES!

I have now been Cooped up liKe a chicKen in a chicKen Coop in this Here Hen House, for two hundred and seventeen million, seven hundred and twenty-eight thousand cat seconds, and let me tell ya...

THAT'S A WHOLE LOTTA CAT SECONDS, FOR SURE.

Okay, so TECHNICALLY, I don't live in a hen house, but I like how the alliteration sounds.

 MOUSES!

And since I've had a little extra time on my paws while bein' cooped up here these last forty weeks, I've been thinkin'...

I've been thinkin'.....

I've been thinkin', there are some worse places to be  Worse than this here house that's not a hen house, I mean.

Oh sure, I joke 'bout Peepers and her ineptitudes and inadequacies all the time -  WHICH ARE VERY REAL, my friends - but when it comes down to it, I've got a home in which to live, a bed in which to sleep, and food in my tummy, which is a lot more than many cats can say.

Plus, I have staff.  They may be inept and inadequate, but they ARE staff, nonetheless.  Stupid staff, sure, but staff.  And often good for a raucous laugh.

MOUSES!

The thing is, though, Christmas is less than a week away, and there are lots of kitties out there without homes or beds or food.  Or for that matter, staff!  There are kitties out there who are homeless through no fault of their own.

SO I ASK YOU ALL, MY FRIENDS, if you have a few pennies left over after gettin' ready for the holidays...  A loonie or toonie, unneeded...  If there's any leftover change in the swear jar your peeps set up on account of your sayin' MOUSES! all the time, bottom of your purse, or under the chesterfield cushions...  Well please consider making a donation to a local animal rescue or shelter.  A donation made in the SPIRIT OF THE SEASON, for givin' is way better than gettin'.  It doesn't have to be a lot because every little bit helps, lots.

And uh...  Um...  If you're out and about these next few days and happen to see some Stupid peep out there doing Super Stupid Stuff like only StupendouSly Stupid peeps can do....

It's probably Peepers.

Yup, odds are it's her, for sure.  She's out shoppin' for groceries right now as I sit here typin' this post, and any time she's let loose these days...

I'm tellin' ya, it's like she TRIES to be stupid.

Is someone out there actually offerin' PRIZES for stupid behaviour?

No, SERIOUSLY, IS THERE?  'Cause let me tell ya, if there is, Peepers is in real contention for first place, for sure.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

and she's down

 

Oh. My. MOUSES.

OH MY MOUSES!

This is goin' straight to YouTube, for sure.

MOUSES!!!

For mousin' out loud, Peepers, YOU'RE NOT A CAT.  I said, YOU'RE NOT A CAT!  How come you're out there in the cold, pretendin' you're as good as cat?

Unbelievable.  It's mousin' out loud, UNBELIEVABLE!  Peepers is out there on the driveway, playin' with the garden hose, thinkin' she's a CAT!

She's out there tryin' to put the hose away for the winter - which is ALWAYS a good show, I must admit - but this year, she's doin' it, thinkin' she's a cat.

MOUSES!

Now normally, Peepers struggles gettin' the hose all wiped down and wound up.  Well not so much with the wipin' down part.  She seems to know how to do that.  But with the windin' up?  Oh, she's a hopeless wreck when it comes to that.

The hose never seems to wanna let itself be coiled up, you see.  It's always tryin' to break free.

Excuse me for a mo.

HEY PEEPERS!  FIRSTLY, YOU'RE NOT A CAT.  SECONDLY, YOU'RE NOT AS GOOD AS ONE, EITHER.  AND THIRDLY...  THIRDLY, IF YOU REALLY WANNA BE CATLIKE, YOU'VE GOTTA GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS!

YOU HAVE NO BALANCE STANDIN' ON TWO FEET  LIKE THAT, PEEPERS.  Take it from me.  Take it from a REAL cat.  YOU'RE GONNA...

And she's down.

Just like that.

MOUSES!

So Peepers is out there in the driveway, usin' her feet as paws - which is workin' - but she's still usin' her hands as hands, you see, and that, my friends, is the problem.  She needs to use her hands as paws, too.

And she's back up!

Can't keep a good peep down.

But at this very moment, Peepers is PRECARIOUSLY balanced on only two feet...  I mean, paws.  I mean...  Hind legs?  That'll do.  Hind paws!  That's better, for sure.

Anyway, she has her hind paws standin' on the parts of the garden hose she has already coiled up, and as she winds up more of that there hose, she stands on the added coiled bits, until...

AND WE'RE BACK DOWN, FOLKS.

Until she loses her balance and falls.

Paws crossed I've got enough battery power in this here camera to keep filming 'til she's done.

THIS HERE FILM IS GONNA GO VIRAL, FOR SURE!

Peepers is such a failure as a cat.

And that, my friends, is that.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

thirty-nine weeks

 

Good mornin', Peepers.  Aren't you lookin' festive today.

Always pays to toss a compliment out to the peeps, every now and then.  Keeps 'em in good spirits for when you get caught doin' somethin' naughty.

I see you've got your Christmas earrings in, and...  And is that a new scrunchy I see your hair?  My, my, my...  Such a pretty Christmas fabric, too.  BEAUTIFUL.  GORGEOUS!  You did a good job with that scrunchy, for sure.

Okay, so there is such a thing as overdoin' it with the compliments.  One must be careful not to let the peeps think somethin' is up.

WHICH IT ISN'T.

Well, not really.

Okay, so maybe just a little.

MOUSES!

And did I mention how well you suit that green sweater you're wearin'?  I know I've seen it before, but I don't think I've ever told you how nice it looks, on.  Looks super good with your Christmas earrings and new scrunchy, too.

Hmmm...  Think I might have hit the too-many-compliments-she's-gettin'-suspicious stage.  I see that wary look in her eyes.

MOUSES!

Best get to the matter at paw.

So uh, Peepers...  Peepers, I...  I was thinkin'...  I WAS THINKIN'...

I was thinkin' that this year, we might not need to decorate the tree like we usually do.  I mean, it's a lot of work and THE LAST thing you need is extra work, right?  Right.  I mean...

I mean, you've been pretty much stuck in this ol' house with me for the last two hundred and twelve million, two hundred and eighty-four thousand, eight hundred cat seconds and, I think we can both agree, that's a whole lot of cat seconds to be cooped up, for sure.

I know, I know...  I know, it's been a lot harder on ME, than you, but that doesn't mean it's been a bed of roses for you, or anythin' like that.  I know I can sometimes be...

Be...

Uh...

Difficult?

Nah, that's not the word I mean.

Challenging.

Meh.

No matter.  My point is, I know that sometimes you and I have almost come to blows these last few months, what with the pandemic and all, so I figured as PART OF MY GIFT TO YOU, I... I would let you know that if you don't want to go to all the trouble and hard work of decoratin' the tree, it's okay by me.  I'LL SURVIVE.

I suppose.

*dramatically swipes paw across his brow as if ready to faint*

But if you DO decide to decorate after all...

Well....

Well might I suggest you not plug in the lights?  We want to save on electricity, and all.  Do our part for the environment.  Global warming IS real, you know.

That, and I think SOMEONE might have uh...  Um...  Chewed through one of the electrical cords.

Which isn't nearly as bad as that time when Aunti Primrose peed in the light socket!

Just sayin'.

OOHHHH....  PEEPERS!  Is that a new lipstick you're wearin'?  That colour suits you to a tee!

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

it's beginnin' to look a lot like...

IT'S BEGINNIN' TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.  All the...

Hmmm...  LOOK like Christmas?  It's beginnin' to LOOK a lot like Christmas?

Nah, that's not right but I can fix it, for sure.

IT'S BEGINNIN' TO SMELL A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.  All the...

"SEVILLE!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?  WHAT'S THAT DISGUSTING SMELL?"

I'm makin' Christmas candy, Peepers.  Wanna taste?

MOUSES!

"It doesn't smell like candy, Seville.  And I thought I told you not to use the stove."

Never, ever, EVER have you told me to not use the stove, Peepers.  What you have said is, you don't want me jumpin' up ONTO the stove, and I'm not, see?   I'm sittin' on this here stool, BESIDE the stove.  Beside, not on.  Beside and on are not the same thing, Peepers.  Did they not teach you anythin' useful in school?  I sure do hope you didn't pay a lot for that education of yours 'cause quite frankly, if you did, you got gypped.

MOUSES!

*Peepers sighs*  Then what are you making?  It stinks, Seville.  It really, REALLY stinks."

That's because your sense of smell isn't as refined as mine on account of my bein' a cat and you bein' a mere peep.  That, and the fact that you have rotten taste.

MOUSES!

Don't look at me like that, Peepers.  Don't you roll your eyes at me.  Like I said, I'm makin' candy.  I'm usin' a recipe I found in one of your cookbooks.  A recipe for fruit jellies.

"You are?  What did you do, then?  Did you burn the sugar?  Fruit jellies shouldn't stink like that."

Don't be ridiculous, Peepers.  Firstly, my cookin' doesn't stink.   And secondly, I'm not usin' sugar.  I'm a cat.  I don't like sugar!  I left out all the stupid stuff like sugar and fruit, and replaced 'em with GOOD things like catnip and chicken bones.  Sound good?

"NO...  It sounds gross, which shouldn't be a surprise, I suppose, as it SMELLS gross, too."

*Seville breaths in deeply*  AH....  Nope, I think it smells just right.  Wanna paw over that buttered dish?  I think my nippy chicken bone candy is about ready to pour.

"You're on your own here, Seville.  I'm getting out of your way before I pass out from the overwhelming stink."

Suit yourself, Peepers, but be sure to come back when I start my next lot of candy.  I'm gonna try your caramel recipe.  Lots of cream and butter, NO sugar - yuk! - and a couple cans of sardines.  It's gonna be scrumptious, for sure.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

thirty-eight weeks

AND A VERY BAH HUMBUG TO YOU, TOO.

MOUSES!

For mousin' out loud, I've been on the phone all mornin' with the feds, tryin' to get Santa an exemption for travel due to pandemic restrictions and whatnot on Christmas Eve, and..

AND YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW RUDE THOSE FEDS CAN BE!

MOUSES!

As if I didn't already have enough on my paws, havin' to be cooped up in this here house with Peepers for the past two hundred and six MILLION, eight hundred and forty-one thousand, six hundred cat seconds - which I can assure you, my friends, is an ETERNITY, for sure - 

...  And then I'm expected to put up with cheek from the feds, too?

MOUSES!

Well have no fear, my friends, I'm gonna take names and kick tail.

Or should that be kick tail and take names?

Whatever.

MOUSES!

And I'll tell you what ELSE I'll do.  I'm gonna take my very long list of those uncooperative federal authorities, and give it to Santa.  And HE'S gonna put all their names on his naughty list, for sure.

MOUSES!

Now back to those annoyin' feds.

After speakin' to like three hundred and twenty-one of 'em, one of whom was actually a janitor someone passed the phone to on account of said someone not wantin' to talk to me...

And let me tell you, the janitor was the nicest one of the bunch.  He even gave me some pointers to give to Peepers for keepin' my little boys' box spiffy clean.  Real thoughtful guy, he was.  Real thoughtful, for sure.

... I FINALLY got the information I needed.  Apparently, Santa IS Canadian (thus, the red suit) and lives at the North Pole, which is IN Canada (for all who are geographically uninclined), and therefore doesn't need a travel exemption at all!

Least not from the feds.

Like one of the FIRST three hundred and twenty federal peeps with whom I spoke couldn't have told me that.

And I'm STILL givin' their names to Santa.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Santa doesn't need a travel exemption from Ottawa.

... But to get into ATLANTIC Canada, he does.

So now I've gotta call Premier McNeil and Dr Strang, in Halifax.

MOUSES!

Paws crossed this works out.  I JUST KNOW Santa's gonna wanna visit me on the 24th.  But if I can't get him an exemption, he'll have to quarantine with us for fourteen days which to tell you the truth, wouldn't be so bad.  I mean, instead of the twelve days of Christmas, we could do the FOURTEEN days of Christmas, and he could give me prezzies on each and every one, but...

But I have no idea where the reindeer will bunk.  I don't think we have enough rooms.

MOUSES!

And anyone know if reindeer eat kibble?

Askin' for a friend.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

it's rainin'

It's rainin', it's pourin'; the old man is snor....

Actually, it's not.  Not rainin', I mean.  The rain has finally stopped.

MOUSES!

BUT YESTERDAY...

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, it rained so hard yesterday, I thought the house was gonna get up off its foundation and float, float away.

Either that, or sink.

MOUSES!

AND THE WIND?

I'm actually kinda amazed our house didn't lift off the ground and take flight!  The wind blew and blew and BLEW, then blew a bit more.  And it went on like that for hours.  DAYS.  WEEKS!

Okay, so maybe that's a tad of an exaggeration.  The wind blew for 'bout twenty-four hours.  BUT IN CAT TIME, you've gotta multiply that by nine, so by MY calculations, it had to have been blowin' for approximately a week, two days, five hours, and fifteen minutes, give or take a second or two.  Or nine.

MOUSES!

Then this mornin', Peepers had to go out and check for damage in the yard.  I would have gone with her but the ground was all wet and icky, and I like to keep my paws dry.

Heeheehee...

HEEHEEHEE...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You want in on the joke?

Of course you do.

MOUSES!

When Peepers came back inside this mornin' - you know, after her checkin' in the yard for wind damage - her shoes were so sodden, she could have wrung 'em out and collected a gallon of water.

Yup, the ground was that wet.

PUDDLES EVERYWHERE!

Wait.  Wait a minute.  You just hold on there, ol' peep of mine.  PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!  Peepers, there are puddles out there?  PUDDLES?  YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!!!  Puddles are full of puddle water and I love puddle water.  Love it?  No, I ADORE IT, for sure.  I, Seville the Cat, AM A CONNOISSEUR of the puddle water, you see.

COME ON PEEP.  Grab those soakin' wet shoes of yours and put 'em on your paws...  I mean, feet.  There's puddle water out there just waitin' for me.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.