birds

Knock it off!

KNOCK IT OFF!

I SAID, KNOCK IT OFF OUT THERE, YOU STUPID BIRDS!!!

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya...

Birds.

MOUSES!

Peepers.  PEEPERS!  Peepers, this is all your fault, you know.  It's ALL. YOUR. FAULT.  If you hadn't fed those darned birds all last winter, then planted a whole bunch of stuff for 'em to eat in the summer, they wouldn't be hangin' out in the garden next to MY office window, right now.  YOU are to blame, Peepers.  You are TOTALLY to blame.

MOUSES!

Actually, I wouldn't mind 'em all that much if it weren't for that incessant noise they keep makin'.  All that cawin' and squawkin' and stuff.

They're disturbin' my peace!

They're almost as bad as the peep when she caterwauls.  Not quite, but pretty darned close.

MOUSES!

I know!  I shall call the RCMP and let 'em know there's a flock of crows and blue jays in my yard all hootin' and hollerin; and disturbin' the peace.

Now let's see...  Nine...  One...

PEEPERS!  You might wanna check on those birds.

I DON'T CARE if you're not bothered by their loud cawin'.  I'm phonin' the police 'cause I'M bothered by all that noise.  But you might wanna get out there toot suite, my peep, 'cause I'm bettin' you'll be bothered by what they've started doin' now.

Don't tell me to wipe that Cheshire Cat grin off my face.  That grin is there for a reason.  That grin is there 'cause I know somethin' you don't know, and I know you'll be upset when you do know, too.

One.

*ring a ling ding*

Gosh darn it, police put me on hold.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah, Peepers.  I'm tellin' ya, you had best get out there now.  I'd come with you but I'm still on the phone.  I'm on hold.

Oh, hello there Mr. Police Person, Sir.  Seville the Cat, here.  I'm callin' to let you know...

WHAT?

They hung up on me.

MOUSES!

You'd think they'd never before been called by a cat.

MOUSES!

Well I'll just have to take care of those birds, myself, then.  Take matters into my own four paws.  I'll just have to let those birds know who's boss 'round here, and...

Oh, here comes Peepers back from outside, now.

Told ya.  Yup, I told you, you wouldn't be happy.  I TOLD YOU.

Hehehehehehehe...

Whatcha doin' there, Peepers?  Who are ya gonna call?  Don't bother callin' the police 'cause if they're not takin' calls from me, they're definitely not gonna take one from you.  I mean, I'M a cat, and you...   Well you're norhin' more than a mere peep.  A peepling, in fact.  A...

YOU GOT THROUGH?

MOUSES!

Well you don't need 'em, Peepers.  'Cause I'm headin' out there right now and I'm gonna deal with those birds once and for all.  By the time I'm through with 'em, it'll be quiet 'round here, and I'll be able to get back to my nap...  I MEAN, back to workin' on my book.

MOUSES!

Be back in a sec.

OH MY MOUSES, PEEPERS!  CALL THE POLICE!  CALL THE POLICE!  THERE'S A BUNCH OF ANGRY BIRDS OUT THERE BEIN' EVEN LOUDER THAN BEFORE, AND IT'S LIKE THEY'RE READY TO ATTACK.  THEY'RE HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN' AND SWOOPIN' AND FLAPPIN' THEIR WINGS, AND...

AND IT'S MAYHEM AND MADNESS, FOR SURE!

Plus, they've been busy pullin' out a whole whack of your plants.  At first, I thought they thought it was a game of some sort, but now...

But now, I think they're preparin' for war.

Those birds mean business, Peepers.  They mean business, for sure.

BIRDS.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-nine weeks

You know somethin'?

Of course you do.  EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.

Now that somethin' might be silly, like the stupid stuff Peepers knows, or it might be important like the IMPORTANT stuff we cats know, but...

But EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.  Right?

AM I RIGHT?

Of course I am.

You know, on account of my bein' a cat.

MOUSES!

Now where was I...

Oh yeah, I was gonna tell you what I figured out the other night.  I, Seville the Cat, figured out that Peepers - MY PEEP #1 - is a superhero.

MOUSES!

It's true, I tell you.  IT'S TRUE!

And do you know how I know?

Well...

Well 'cause I was surfin' the web the other night, lookin' for chicks...  I mean, LADYcats, and...

And I uh...

Umm....

Oh yeah, I was surfin' and I came across the profile of some ladycat who goes by the name, Cat Woman.

Turns out, she's not actually a cat.

Think that's what they call catfishin'.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, this Cat Woman chick, who is not actually a cat, is what peeps call a SUPERHERO.  Yup, she's a hero...

Heroine?

Whatever.

I think she might actually be both.

MOUSES!

SO ANYWAY...

So anyway, this superhero named Cat Woman wears a mask.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY PEEPERS WEARS A MASK, TOO.

Yup, it's true.  It really, really IS true!  Every time Peepers goes out to the store or takes me to the doctor - which, by the way, is very UNheroine-like of her if you ask me, but even heroes have to have at least one flaw - or goes to the mall or goes into any indoor public space...

SHE FIRST PUTS ON A MASK.

MOUSES!

But then I got to thinkin', do ALL superheroes wear masks?

Well it turns out, not all of them do.  Some just turn big and green and kinda...

Well...

Ugly.

I'm sorry, that's not very nice of me.  I should rephrase that 'cause after all, beauty IS on the inside, not the outer surface, and...

Well...

Well let's just say The Hulk turns green, and leave it at that.

MOUSES!

But even though some superheroes don't wear masks, a whole whack of 'em do.

Just like my peep.

So OBVIOUSLY, my peep is a superhero, too.

MOUSES!

Hard to believe I've been cooped up here in this ol' house with a real live superhero for like one hundred and fifty-seven million, eight hundred and fifty-two thousand, eight hundred cat seconds...

BUT IT'S TRUE.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

I'z so conflicted!

 

I'z so conflicted!

I'Z SO CONFLICTED!

I'Z SO...

Hold on there, Peepers.  Don't you go closin' that door just yet.

I'M STILL CONFLICTED.

MOUSES!

What to do, what to do...  What on Earth is a kitty to do?

Do I go outside?  The ground looks kinda wet.  I'm pretty sure it's been rainin'.

BUT THE BREEZE FEELS SO NICE ON MY FURS.

Hmmm....  I could just sit here by the back door, I suppose.  You know, sit here with the door wide open.  I could just sit here for a while enjoyin' the lovely breeze while stayin' indoors, out of the drizzle and rain.

But what if that breeze were to get stronger and slam the door shut?  What if it slammed the door shut while I was sittin' here, and...

Oh, that's too horrible to even think about.

MOUSES!

But you know...   What good is havin' a peep, if you can't make use of 'em, right?  AM I RIGHT?  Right.

Peepers, you don't mind standin' there by this here back door, holdin' onto it to make sure it doesn't slam shut on me while I sit here enjoyin' the fresh air, do you?

Of course you don't.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN you do mind?  Have you forgotten you're nothin' more than a lowly peep?

Besides, it's not like I'm gonna be here for long.  An hour or two, tops.  Well...  Well maybe three.  I might feel like takin' a short nap, and...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT WILLIN' TO STAND THERE HOLDIN' ONTO THE DOOR FOR ME ALL AFTERNOON?

Of all the no good for nothin' peeps.

MOUSES!

Okay, how 'bout this, then?  How 'bout you SIT there by the door, holdin' onto it so that it doesn't slam shut on me while I'm sittin' here...

Well you can go get yourself a CHAIR, woman!  I didn't say you had to sit on the floor.

Although truth be told, if the floor is good enough for me...

MOUSES!

Why are you countin', Peepers?  Why have you started countin'?

YOU'RE WHAT?  You're countin' to three, and by the time you get to three the door is gonna be shut one way or the other, so I have to decide on which side of the door I wanna be?

BUT I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE.  IT COULD RAIN ON ME!

You know I'm not partial to that.

No, I can't stay inside, either.  I'm enjoyin' the fresh air, and...

*Three.*

You...  You...  You...

YOU...

YOU CLOSED THE BACK DOOR ON ME.

MOUSES!

Well that's that, then, I guess.  But just so you know, Peepers, I'M STILL CONFLICTED.  Oh sure, I may no longer be conflicted 'bout whether I should go outside or stay in.  Hard to be conflicted 'bout that since you went and made my decision for me, but...

BUT I'M STILL CONFLICTED, PEEPERS.  I'm still conflicted, for sure.  I'm just conflicted 'bout other stuff, is all.

What to do, what to do...

Should I teach Peepers a lesson by peein' on her sweater?  Or should I perhaps poop in her shoe?  Or maybe I should just throw up on the floor next to her bed.  Right where she puts her feet in the mornin' when gettin' up.  That's the best place for tossin' one's cookies, for sure.

So many decisions for a kitty to make.

WHAT IS A KITTY TO DO?

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-eight weeks

Well here we are, twenty-eight weeks into this ol' pandemic thingy.  One hundred and fifty-two MILLION, four hundred and nine thousand, six hundred cat seconds into it, and...

And do you know how we're celebratin'?

We're celebratin' by Peep #1 havin' a birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEEPERS!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

How does it feel to be one hundred and twenty-two million years old?

You're NOT?

Hmmm...  Hold on a sec.  Let me check my math.

Okay.  I've got it sorted now.  I forgot to carry the nine.  How does it feel to be three hundred and seven million years old, Peepers?  HOW DOES IT FEEL?

What, AGAIN with the complaints 'bout my math?

Never pays to argue with an old geezer, I guess.

Geezerette?

Whatever.

MOUSES!

So anyway, I've got it all planned out.  I'm makin' Peepers a special birthday dinner today, in honour of her special day.  First I'll open up a tin of salmon and shrimp feasts of the fancy, then...

Yeah, yeah, I know.  I know Peepers is a vegetarian and doesn't eat those kinds of things.

That just leaves all the more for me.

MOUSES!

Then after we..  I mean, I polish off the appetiser, I'll open up a tin of the fanciest of the feasts beef.  I was gonna go with the chopped grill selection, on account of my lovin'...  Um...  On account of it bein' such a wonderful variety that I enjoy and thought the peep might, too, but the word "chopped" sounded kinda common, you know?  And today IS Peepers' birthday, so I figured beef flavour might be better.  I'm gonna serve it with a creamy nip sauce which'll fancy it right up for her.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  I know!  I know all 'bout Peepers bein' a vegetarian.  Didn't we discuss this before?

So anyway, after the salmon and shrimp appetiser and beef flavoured entree, for dessert, I have catnip ice cream.  Mmmm...  It's gonna be absolutely delicious, I am sure.

Yup, I made that ol' ice cream all by myself with my very own catnip.  I even milked the cow and everythin'.

OKAY, so I didn't actually milk the cow, on account of my not havin' a cow to milk.

I don't even know any cows.

MOUSES!

But nevertheless, I DID make the ice cream.

And it's gonna be DELICIOUS, I tell you.  DELICIOUS!

I added tuna water for extra flavour.

MOUSES!

And what if the peep doesn't like catnip ice cream, you ask?

Well...

WELL THEN, ALL THE MORE FOR ME!

MOUSES!

And for her prezzie, I'm givin' Peepers the gift of my company.  Yup, I'm gonna let her tickle my tummy and give me chin scritches, and everythin'.  Might even let her scratch behind my ears!

After all, I do like all those things.

SO I'M THINKIN' PEEPERS WILL LOVE BEIN' ABLE TO DO THEM FOR ME.

I know, I know...  I know you simply can't get over what a thoughtful kitty I am, can you.

Not a question.  Statement of fact.

MOUSES!

So what do all you cats out there do for YOUR peeps on their birthdays?  Same as me?  I highly recommend it, for sure.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

storm watch

This is Seville the Cat here, bringin' you live updates 'bout Hurricane Teddy approachin' Atlantic Canada on Tuesday September 22nd.  By the time Teddy makes landfall later today, the weatherpeeps are expectin' him or her to have been downgraded to a Tropical Storm, or somethin' like that.  Strong winds, stronger gusts, and lots and lots of heavy rain.

MOUSES!

Now let me peer out into the oncomin' storm...

Okay, I can't see all that much, on account of my bein' in the house and under the dinin' room table, but it sounds like it's pourin' outside.

Sure am glad I'm in.

MOUSES!

And in other news...

And in other news, while the Province of Nova Scotia is battenin' down the hatches, securing objects that might get blown around and injure people or damage property, nearby...

IN MY COUNTY, peeps have just finished pilin' all sorts of possible projectiles at the ends of their driveways, ready to be picked up in the fall cleanup tomorrow mornin'.

That's how we roll here in Annapolis County.

MOUSES!

Peeps.  Peeps will be peeps.

MOUSES!

Yup, it's true.  Much to my dismay, I watched ol' Peepers drag one of my super old kitty condos down to the curb this mornin'.  It's missin' half its carpetin' and, truth be told, I threw up on it last week, so I'm not too upset 'bout it goin' out in the garbage.

And I really don't think it'll ever get airborne.  Nope, not even with a hurricane strength wind gust.  It's pretty massive, you see.  And heavy.  Super heavy.  Super duper heavy, for sure.  You should have HEARD ol' Peepers huffin' and puffin' as she carried it down the stairs.

Carried...  Dragged...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

Nope, that thing is stayin' put down there on the road.

But there's an old plastic lawn chair lyin' next to it that likely WON'T be around tomorrow mornin'.

MOUSES!

But seriously, what is Peepers to do?  County wants to go ahead with the cleanup even though there's a hurricane / tropical storm on its way.

MOUSES!

I've got my paws crossed that some of the neighbours have put out tins of the fanciest of the feasts that might happen to roll on by, my way.

Roll by...  Fly by...  Whatever.

But with my luck, if anythin' blows into my yard, it'll likely be somethin' stupid like...

Like...

Like nail clippers and harnesses and a kitty-sized dumb ol' bathtub.

MOUSES!

But in OTHER news...

Well not so much other, as unrelated.

WELL...  Well not so much unrelated as uh...

Um...

More interestin' to me.

In MORE INTERESTIN' TO ME news, my catnip plants are safely secured.  Yup, Peepers tucked the pots in a corner where they're not likely to be affected by any winds.  They'll get rained on, she says, but rain is okay.

JUST AS LONG AS THEY DON'T GET BLOWN AWAY.

I have my 2020 nip crop to protect, you see.

MOUSES!

Well that's all I have to report for now.  It's currently Tuesday afternoon and I'm gonna schedule this post for publishin' tomorrow, Wednesday, my regular publishin' day.  I need to be prepared in case our power or Internet go out, or anythin' like that.

For further information on the storm and Hurricane Teddy, tune in to CBC.

You never know.  You might see me there!  Yup, if that ol' TV network is smart, they'll wanna interview me, Seville the Cat, for sure, 'cause I'm kinda famous, you see.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-seven weeks

 

First we had the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020.  Remember that one?  There was nary a roll of TP to be found.

Not that I cared, mind you.  I mean, as a cat, I don't use toilet paper all that much.  Oh sure, I like to rip apart a roll, leavin' bits and pieces all over the bathroom floor as much as the next cat, but it's not like I use it to wipe myself after usin' the little boys' box.

MOUSES!

As long as the unavailability of toilet paper didn't mean peeps would be resortin' to usin' litter and my litter boxes, the ol' TP shortage didn't affect me.

Then came the Toilet Paper Wars.  Yup, you heard right.  Rightly?  Whatever.

Anyway, just like the Toilet Paper Shortage, the Toilet Paper Wars of 2020 also didn't affect me.  Peeps everywhere were fightin' over the few remainin' packages of TP on store shelves.  Playin' tug of war like two dogs wantin' the same chew toy, they were, willin' to tackle each other to the floor, and over rolls of TP.

Peeps.

MOUSES!

After the business with the toilet paper, other shortages ensued: paw sanitiser, disinfectant wipes, stuff like that.  Again, none of this affected me for as a cat, I don't use any of these things.  Never have; never will.

MOUSES!

And when peeps weren't busy cleanin' stuff, apparently, they were bakin'.  Bakin' bread and cakes and things.  Flour and yeast were swept off the shelves like beach umbrellas by a tsunami.  Thankfully, again, this did not affect me.

But then...

But then came the Great Yarn Shortage of 2020.  Peeps everywhere were buyin' up yarn like it was goin' out of style.  They must have been, for one day I sent Peepers out to buy me some yarn to make nip mice, but she came home empty-pawed late that evenin'.  Not a ball of yarn on the shelves, she said.

Now this - THIS - was important to me.

Thankfully, Peepers has a stash of yarn here at home.  She doesn't know I know where it is - and don't you go tellin' her I do - but I've seen it myself and I know it exists.

Whew.

MOUSES!

And now...

And now there is a shortage of thread.

Thread.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

It's true.  There's not a spool of thread on the store shelves.

Well truth be told, Peepers only went to the one store, so I don't know how widespread this shortage is, but still...

WILL THE SHORTAGE OF THREAD MEAN A SHORTAGE OF BIFF BAGS, TOO?

As a nip-lovin' cat, I go through biff bags like peeps go through socks, you see.

Okay, perhaps that's a poor analogy.  Most peeps go through socks a lot more quickly than I go through biff bags, if I'm gonna be honest.  But I'm sure there are SOME peeps out there who don't change their socks on a daily basis.  Now I definitely go through biff bags more quickly than than they change their dirty socks.

MOUSES!

The thing is, to make a biff bag, one needs thread.

But the thread shelves are bare!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh.  

Correction:  The thread shelves are bare of only white thread.  There are plenty of other colours, she says.

But I'm not havin' the peep make my biff bags with uncoordinated colours of thread.

No sirree.  I'm not sniffin' pink and green cotton biff bags sewn up with bright purple or orange thread.  Or turquoise, or fuchsia, or any other colour that doesn't go.

THERE ISN'T ENOUGH NIP IN THE WORLD TO GET ME NIPPED UP ENOUGH TO TOLERATE ANYTHIN' LIKE THAT.

I, Seville the Cat, am a cat with taste.  I have fashion sense, I do.  I have my own style!  I know the difference between tasteful and garish, and garish biff bags are not for me, you see.

Uncoordinated biff bags...

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMIN' TO?

MOUSES!

It seems to me, that durin' the last one hundred and forty-six million, nine hundred and sixty-six thousand, four hundred cat seconds of this pandemic thing, peeps have started up a whole lot of bad habits.  Bad habits like usin' too much yarn and thread for ridiculously useless things, and not keepin' in mind that such commodities need to be saved for IMPORTANT things like the knittin' of nipmice and sewin' of biff bags.

PEEPS NEED TO START GETTIN' THEIR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

you know dasher...

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and...

NO...  No, I'm not singin' Christmas carols in September.  Would I, Seville the Cat, do somethin' like that?

Well actually, I kinda am.  Heheheheheh...  Yup, I was kinda hummin' along to that song, but...

BUT I'M SINGIN' IT FOR REASONS TOTALLY UNRELATED TO CHRISTMAS.

MOUSES!

The thing is, I was watchin' some squirrels this mornin' - and FYI, squirrels are not really Christmassy - and I've come to the conclusion that they...

Well...

Prance.  You know, as in Prancer.

Yup, they do.  And they dash, as in Dasher, too!

As for the dancin', they leave that to the peep.

That is if you wanna call what she does dancin'.  It's really more like stickin' a leg out here, an arm out there, and spinnin' around a bit on occasion.  She thinks it's dancin' on account of her makin' those stupid lookin' movements to music, but the thing is...

THERE'S NO MUSIC TO BE HEARD!

Nope, not a sound.  There's not a single, solitary note to be found.

Apparently, the music is all in her head.

I sure do hope that the imaginary music sounds better than those dance moves of hers, look.

MOUSES!

But back to the dashin' and prancin' of squirrels.

Those squirrels are quite the characters to watch, you know.  They leap and bound across the front lawn, which would normally bother me on account of their trespassin' ON MY PROPERTY, but they're so funny to watch, I'm not plannin' on pressin' any charges.

Charges of trespassin', that is.

But one more acorn to the head, and I'll be callin' the RCMP to press charges for assault, for sure.

Well actually, I'm not too worried 'bout when they toss acorns at the peep's head.  I'm not gonna bother goin' to the police about that.

Hahahahaha....

But if they start tossin' acorns at ME, that's totally different, for sure.

MOUSES!

Hmmm...  Now that I think about it, I have to wonder if all those acorns Peepers has taken to the head have anythin' to do with the imaginary musicians she has livin' in there.

Could be.

MOUSES!

But back to the squirrels.  Again.  Like I was sayin', they've been racin' back and forth, and forth and back, and back and forth again across MY FRONT YARD, like runnin' back and forth is goin' outta style.  You should see 'em!  They've been leapin in the air like horsies doin' the ol' steeplechase thing.  Then when they reach the base of a tree, they dash up it, toss a few acorns at the peep is she's out and about, then do a little dance...

OH MY MOUSES!  The squirrels DO dance!  It's true.  Yeah, they do a little dance up on the branches of the tree after tossin' acorns at the peep and before dashin' back down to start their prancin' steeplechase all over again.

Well I'll be...

Have to wonder, though.  Do squirrels hear imaginary music in their heads like the peep hears in hers while she totally embarrasses herself - and more importantly, ME - while doin' what she thinks is dancin'?

Yup, one has to wonder, for sure.

I'd ask her myself, but the last time I commented on her "dancing," she gave me dirty looks for like a week.

Not MY fault she sucks as a dancer.  Nope, not my fault, at all.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to MASK UP, too.

twenty-six weeks

Are you nuts, woman?  Are you absolutely bloomin' NUTS?

Of course you are.

Silly question.

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, bein' pretty much cooped up here in the house for the last one hundred and forty-one MILLION, five hundred and twenty-three thousand, two hundred seconds in cat time, has really taken its toll on your mental state, hasn't it, Peepers?

Don't answer that.  It was a RHETORICAL question.

But can you imagine what MY bein' cooped up with YOU has done to ME?

MOUSES!

Peepers, Peepers, Peepers...

*sighs*

Peepers, you do realise that most people...

Hmmm...

Peepers, you do realise that NORMAL people...

Yeah, that's better.

You do realise that normal people, especially ones with gardens, try to get RID of gigantic green caterpillars, don't you?  I mean, NORMAL people recognise that large green caterpillars are wantin' to eat your plants and things, and so the first thing they do when they see one is dispose of it.  You know that, don't you?

But you...

*sighs again, this time more loudly*

You are a different kinda peep, for sure.  You, my dear Peepers, see a big green caterpillar makin' its way across the street, and what do you do?

You go and rescue the darned thing.

MOUSES!

Bet you rescue worms on the driveway, too.

Of course you do.  Come to think of it, I've actually seen you doin' so.

MOUSES!

Peepers, what if that big ol' green caterpillar was a tomato hornworm or somethin' like that?  What if you rescued some kinda creepy crawlie that's gonna repay you by eatin' your tomatoes?

Well actually, it would be after the tomatoes belongin' to the neighbours down the street, I guess, on account of that's where you rescued it.

Neighbours are sure gonna love you.

NOT.

MOUSES!

But my point is, Peepers, it's fine to go 'round rescuing stray kitties and puppies and things.  In fact, rescuing kitties and puppies is a REALLY GOOD THING.  It's one of those things that gets peeps to Heaven and stuff.

And Peepers, feel free to rescue mice, too.  I must admit, I'm partial to a rescued mouse served with a creamy catnip sauce on the side, myself, but uh...


Um...

Never mind.

MOUSES!

BUT...

BUT NORMAL PEEPS DRAW THE LINE AT RESCUIN' CATERPILLARS.

Of course, you're not all that normal, are you?

Again, don't bother answerin'.  That's another rhetorical question, you see.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

*sniff sniff*

Stand still there, Peepers, and gimme your paw.

Your hand, Peepers.  Gimme your HAND!

Of all the stupid peeps.

MOUSES!

*sniff sniff, sniff sniff sniff*

Hmmm...

White and grey tabby.  Female.

*sniff sniff*

Smells like Misty.  You met Misty while out on your walk, Peepers?  Her fur's not long, but it is kinda fluffy.  She's a very pretty ladycat.  Yup, very pretty, indeed.  Is that who you met?

Well at least I think that pretty grey and white ladycat's name is Misty.  I asked her, once, and that's what she told me.  Although I also asked for her phone number, and...

Well...

Well let's just say, I don't think Misty lives at the pound.

MOUSES!

Gimme your paw...  I mean, HAND, again.  

*sniff sniff sniff*

Black dog.  Male.  Don't know his name.  Don't care to know, either.

MOUSES!

Now gimme your other paw.

*sniff sniff sniff*

I smell skunk.

I didn't say you smelled like a skunk, Peepers.  I said, I smelled skunk.

Get a grip, woman.

MOUSES!

Peepers, have you been out on the streets, cavortin' with skunks?

MOUSES!

And speakin' of mouses...

I mean, mice.

*sniff sniff sniff*

Nope, I don't smell any mice.

And that's a relief, for sure.

But back to this skunk.

So how come you were interactin' with a skunky while out walkin', Peepers?  Did you forget 'bout social distancin' and stuff?  And FYI, social distancin' with skunks is a VERY WISE thing to do.

MOUSES!

And regardin' this skunk; did you ask him his name?  Did you ask for his rank and serial number, too?  And is this a feral skunk, or does he live with peeps, and...

BUT DON'T YOU GET ANY IDEAS, PEEPERS.  Skunks are nice, I guess, but not nice enough to have as roommates.

MOUSES!

Tell me, Peepers.  What exactly do you know 'bout this new skunk friend of yours?  Details, please.

HE LOOKED LIKE A SKUNK?

Of all the stupid, unobservant peeps.

Peepers, you do realise that as a peep, you are clearly the inferior species.  Your olfactory skills kinda...

Well...

Suck.

I mean, I, Seville the Cat, can sniff your paw and identify each and every critter you met while you were out walkin', and all you can tell me 'bout those critters is that one of 'em looked like a skunk.

Pathetic, that is.

*shakes head with pity*

MOUSES!


Okay Peepers, now gimme your shoe.  I wanna know exactly where you walked.

Yeah, I CAN trace your steps just by sniffin' your shoes.  Just because YOU'RE an olfactory incompetent nincompoop doesn't mean I am, too.  I, Seville the Cat, sniff SO MUCH BETTER than you.

By the way, I smell better, too.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to MASK UP, too.

twenty-five weeks

You take me for granted, Peepers.  YOU TAKE ME FOR GRANTED!

Don't think I don't know 'bout it bein' Ginger Cat Appreciation Day last week.  DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW!

And FYI, Peepers: I, Seville the Cat, AM A GINGER.

MOUSES!

But did we celebrate?  Did you throw me a party?  Did you make me a cake?

DID YOU BUY ME MORE NIP?  HUH?  HUH?  HUH?  DID YOU?

No, you did not a thing.

MOUSES!

Stupid peep.

MOUSES!

Oh sure, you did set up that big gigantic ENORMOUS litter box, outside.

BUT THEN YOU COMPLAINED WHEN I USED IT!

Again, stupid peep.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

LIKE I TOLD YOU ON WEDNESDAY: IF IT LOOKS LIKE A LITTER BOX AND WORKS LIKE A LITTER BOX, IT IS A LITTER BOX, PEEPERS.  And I don't wanna hear nothing 'bout no stupid raised beds for veggies ever again.

MOUSES!

You know, when a kitty finds out there's a special day set aside especially for himself and other marmalade kitties like him, a kitty should be able to expect his peeps will throw him a party.

The LEAST you could have done was salmon mousse cupcakes with catnip cream cheese icing.

BUT DID I GET ANY OF THAT?

No.  Nadda.  Not a thing.

All I got was cheek.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of cheek...

IT'S SUPER CHEEKY OF PEEPS TO THINK THERE SHOULD BE CELEBRATIONS FOR THEM, WHEN NONE OF 'EM ARE DOIN' ANYTHIN' TO CELEBRATE ME.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

What do you MEAN "EVERY DAY" is a day where you celebrate me?  What do you MEAN?

Seriously, Peepers, what DO you mean?  'Cause I'm not seein' it, here.

I WANT A PARTY!

A big party.  A big party 'specially for me.  A party with all the cats in the neighbourhood, and...

Scratch that.  I don't really like the other cats in the neighbourhood.

Hmmm...

Okay, how 'bout this?  Peppers, you bake me a cake filled with yummy stuff like tuna and catnip and things, then pile on the prezzies - FYI, I like nipmice - and then...

Then...

Then take out a full page ad in the paper 'bout how wonderful I am, and how stupid you are for makin' me miss out on Ginger Cat Appreciation Day, and...

I'M NOT DONE YET.

Don't interrupt or I'll have to start all over again.

And in that ad, Peepers, you can explain how I've been cooped up in this here house with you two peeps for one hundred and thirty-six million, eighty thousand seconds in cat time, and how I must be like some kinda extra-special SAINT havin' put up with you for so long, and...

AND HOW I'M WILLIN' TO ACCEPT DONATIONS OF CATNIP.

You know, if anyone has any lyin' around.

Got that, Peepers?  HUH?

Good.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

you who...

You who...

Oh, YOU WHO...

HEY YOU!  YOU!!!  Yeah, you, Peepers.  YOU!  Quit what you're doin' there, and look over here.  Look over here, at me.  I'm talkin' to you.

MOUSES!

Sometimes the soft gentle mewings of a gentlecat won't do, you see, and YOU'VE GOTTA HOLLER to get their attention.

What can I say?  Peeps.  Peeps'll be peeps.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!  OVER HERE.

MOUSES!

So Peepers, I was thinkin' the other day.  I was outside in the garden and I was thinkin'.  I was thinking 'bout how I couldn't help but notice that nice new litter box you set up for me out there.

What do you MEAN, what litter box?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

You know the one, Peepers.  It's about yea high and yea wide...

Oh, sorry.  Yeah, I know, my front legs aren't really long enough to give you an accurate description along with the yeas.

Hmmm....

Okay, so it's about four by eight paws, and comes up to my shoulders.  You know the one?

Yeah, I WAS WONDERIN' about that.  I was wonderin' why it was filled with dirt and stuff and not litter.  But I figured you ran out of litter or somethin'.  After all, it is a pretty big box.  Fillin' it would use up a lot of litter.  OR MAYBE, you wanted to give me the full outdoor experience.  When it comes to dirt and kitty litter, dirt is the more NATURAL of the two.

MOUSES!

But anyway, Peepers, that stuff doesn't matter.  I just wanted to thank you for the new outdoor litter box, and let you know how much I appreciate the effort you put in, and...

What do you MEAN that there litter box isn't a litter box?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Nope, I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that, Peepers.  It works just like a litter box.  Just like a litter box should.

I know, 'cause I tried it out and everythin'.

MOUSES!

Peepers, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck, right?  AM I RIGHT?

Well...

Well if it looks like a litter box, works like a litter box, and smells like a litter box, it probably IS a litter box, and...

IT IS TOO.

MOUSES!

Okay, if you're so sure that there litter box is actually a raised bed for you to plant stupid lettuce and spinach and mustard and stuff, let me ask you this:

HOW COME THERE'S NO STUPID GREEN VEGGIES PLANTED IN THERE AND ALL THERE IS IS LITTER?

Well dirt, actually, but the fact is, there are no stupid green veggies in there.  Just dirt and...

Um...

Well...

Poopies.

Two lots, in fact.

MOUSES!

Like I said, IT'S A GREAT litter box.  Nice and roomy and everythin'.  Roomiest litter box I ever did use.

But...

But as there are now TWO lots of poopies in there, you might wanna get the scoop from the little boys' box next to the powder room, and go scoop out my new and improved OUTDOOR litter box.

Don't want it gettin' TOO stinky, you see.

MOUSES!

AND WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE, YOU WANNA PUT UP A SCREEN OR SOMETHIN' SO THE NEIGHBOURS CAN'T SEE ME USIN' MY NEW BOX?

Nosy neighbours.  Can't a kitty have a little privacy 'round here?

It's not like I was usin' THEIR outdoor litter boxes to do my business.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to MASK UP, too.

twenty-four weeks

Shakespeare's got NOTHIN' on me.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah..   I know.  I know what you're thinkin'.  I know he's more famous, and all that.

But...

But he wasn't a cat.

MOUSES!

Can you imagine?  Can you IMAGINE how much greater Will would have been, had he been feline?

MOUSES!

I was doin' a little light readin' the other night, and discovered somethin' interestin'.  DID YOU KNOW that William Shakespeare turned to writin' poetry durin' the plague in the 1590s?

Yup, that's what he did.

I read it on the Internet so it must be true.

MOUSES!

They...

Now I have no idea who THEY are, but they seemed to know what they were talkin' about, and what they were sayin' fit my PURRsonal narrative, so I figured I'd go with what THEY said, without investigatin' any further.

So anyway...

So anyway, they said that Will...

I call him Will, on account of my bein' pretty sure that if he and I, Seville the Cat, were livin' at the same time, we'd be on a first name basis, you see.

MOUSES!

But like I was sayin'...

Like I was sayin', THEY said that Will turned to writin' poetry on account of all the theatres bein' shut down for about six months, due to The Plague.

So I figured, if Will turned to poetry durin' the plague, I should try my paw at a little poetry myself.  After all, Will didn't have to be cooped up in the same house as Peep #1 and Peep #2 for like an absolute eternity.

Like me.

MOUSES!

So after bein' stuck here with the peeps for like ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY MILLION, six hundred and thirty-six thousand, eight hundred cat seconds, I present to you...

MY sonnet.

I call it, Ode to a Puddle.

MOUSES!

Nothing is as fresh nor as sweet, my love,

as the divine taste of rain that has fall'n

on the path which lies there, next to my house.

The joyful rain that collects in puddles

is known to felines here and everywhere

as puddle water; water that puddles.

For the water that puddles is Heavn's gift

to all who appreciate the finer

things in life, like catnip and wand toys and

nip mice.  Oh, the sweet water of puddles.

It comes not from a tap nor a fountain.

'Tis not from anything paw or hand made.

The water that puddles is a sweet gift

from the sky above; pure freshness for me.

So what do you think?  Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin?

'Cause I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin', Will would have been proud to have called me his contemporary.

Had I been alive in the sixteenth century, of course.

Actually, I think that might mean the same thing.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

whatcha doin'?

Whatcha doin' there, Peepers?  Huh?  HUH?  WHATCHA DOIN'?

I only ask 'cause...  Well...  Well to me, it looks like you're doin' nothin'.  NOTHIN'.  Nothin' as in absolutely bloomin' nothin'.  As in sittin' there like a lazy slob, not doin' a thing.  Not doin' a thing when quite honestly, you COULD be doin' somethin' useful like uh...

You know...

Doin' somethin' for me.

MOUSES!

So again I shall ask, WHATCHA DOIN'?

AHA!  I was right.

Yup, I was right.  I was right all along.  You ARE doin' nothin', Peepers.  You're doin' nothin' at all.  And since you happen to be doin' nothin', why don't I give you somethin' useful to do?

Now let's see...

Peepers, the sewin' machine is still sittin' on the dinin' room table and it, too, is doin' nothin' right now.  How 'bout you sew me up a biff bag or two?

WHAT?

What do you MEAN you can't sew when the power is out?  What do you MEAN?

Oh.

Really?

MOUSES!

Well how come the power is out, anyway?  You forget to pay the electricity bill or somethin' stupid like that?

WELL OF COURSE I HEARD THE BIG BOOMIES.

I mean, I might have been under the bed at the time, but believe-you-me, if boomies are loud enough to send a kitty under a bed, those same boomies are loud enough to still be heard while under said bed, too.

But what do the boomies have to do with your forgettin' to pay the electricity bill, pray tell?

Oh.


They did, huh?  Those boomies knocked out the power, you say?  Maybe hit a power pole or somethin' like that?

Hmmm...

MOUSES!

Well whatcha gonna do 'bout those boomies then, huh Peepers?  WHATCHA GONNA DO?

And FYI, hidin' under a bed doesn't do much of anythin'.  I might remind you that I was hidin' under a bed and you're now claimin' those boomies, while I was under said bed, were still able to knock out the power.

Hmmm...

And just to clarify, when I say hide, I don't mean hide as in I was scared, or anythin' like that.

No.  No, I mean...

I MEAN I WAS HOLDIN' DOWN THE FORT, PROTECTED EVERYBODY ELSE FROM UNDER SAID BED.

'Cause that's the kinda stuff brave kitties like me do.

MOUSES!

And uh, Peepers?

When might the power be plannin' on comin' back on?  Any ideas?

I only ask 'cause I'm in need of the little boys' box, and as I managed to scarf down a bit of cream I found left on Peep #2's unattended plate on the table, earlier, I'm thinkin' you're gonna wanna send a full hazmat team, complete with runnin' water and lots of soap, into the bathroom right after I...

You know...

Use the litter box.

MOUSES!

Why don't you phone up Nova Scotia Power and let 'em know 'bout us needin' the power back on like...  LIKE RIGHT NOW.

JUST DON'T GIVE 'EM MY NAME!

You can say YOU'RE the one plannin' on stinkin' up the litter box in 'bout five minutes, if you like.

On the other paw, why don't I make that call.  You're likely to get confused or somethin' and blame the stinkies on me.  I'M more likely to keep the record straight.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to MASK UP, too.

twenty-three weeks

'CAUSE I'M A BLOGGIN' KITTY, YOU FREAKS!

Sorry.  Sorry!  Gosh darn it, I SAID I was sorry.  I usually only call Peepers a freak.  Gimme ten minutes and I'll come up with somethin' else to call you.

MOUSES!

BLOGGIN'.  BLOGGIN'!  I'll explain it to you again: I have a blog.  Yes, I am a cat AND I have a blog, and that means I need the Internet, you see.

Let's try this ONCE MORE.  I, Seville the Cat, have a blog.  And I can't write my blog unless I can get on-line, and I...

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SLIPPERY THESE HERE COMPUTER KEYS ARE FOR MY CLAWS?  I can't be fiddlin' over and over and over again, hopin' and purrin' that THIS time it'll work.  I'M SEVILLE THE CAT!  I CAN'T WORK WITH NOTHIN' MORE THAN A HOPE AND A PURR.

*hangs up phone*

Boy-oh-boy, you'd THINK our Internet provider would be proud to have me, Seville the Cat, usin' their services, but from the looks of things...

Awww....  MOUSES!

*deep breaths*

I'm upset.  Peepers is upset.  The neighbours are probably upset, too, on account of that ol' scream Peepers let out 'bout an hour ago.

It was a doozy, for sure.

The scream, I mean.  Not the peep.

MOUSES!

It's bad enough I've been cooped up here with the peeps for one hundred and twenty-nine million, one hundred and ninety-three thousand, six hundred cat seconds, due to this pandemic thingy.  And now I have to be cooped up with 'em with lousy Internet service, too?

It's more than a kitty can bear, I tell you.  MORE THAN A KITTY CAN BEAR!

MOUSES!

The peeps are seriously thinking 'bout switchin' Internet providers.  Switchin' is a hassle, Peepers says, but...

But I won't have to do anythin', so it isn't a hassle for me.  As opposed to my not bein' able to get on-line when I need to blog, or everythin' bein' so slow I can't visit my pals on Facebook.  Now THOSE THINGS are hassles, for sure.

For me.

And that's what counts.

What's more, what's a hassle for me is a hassle for others, too, 'cause...

'Cause when I start complaining 'bout feelin' hassled...

WATCH OUT.

MOUSES!

NO, I'm not thinking 'bout complainin' by meowing, loudly.  I could, of course, but that's not the most effective method of complainin', you see.

The MOST EFFECTIVE method of complainin' is...

POOPS IN SHOES.

THAT'S how you get their attention, for sure.

MOUSES!

The question is, how can I get my paws on all the shoes belongin' to the peeps in charge of the Internet?

Hmmm...

I know!

Peepers, prepare the teleportation device.

Why?

WHY?

'Cause I've got some poopin' to do.

MOUSES!

I had best pack a couple masks to take with me, I think.

You know, to be socially responsible and stuff.

AND I had best pack some dairy type snacks like uh...  Like cheese and a big bowl of milk.

If you're gonna poop in peeps' shoes to make a statement, you wanna make that statement as soft and as STINKY as can be.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

dinner is served

HEY PEEPERS!  Got you somethin'.

And FYI, you don't have to go shoppin' this week.

MOUSES!

Well SQUIRREL, actually.  It's not a mouse.

SQUIRRELSIES?

Doesn't really have the same ring to it, if you know what I mean.  Methinks I'll stick to the original.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN you don't eat squirrel?  You worried this here squirrel might be a relative or somethin'?  I know you're a bit squirrelly, but I didn't think it was...

Well...

Genetic.

MOUSES!

For mousin' out loud.  A kitty brings home a nice squirrel roast and what does a kitty get?

Nothin' but grief.

MOUSES!

Peepers, I was doin' you a favour.  I was bringin' home the bacon...  I mean, squirrel.  I THOUGHT you'd appreciate my hard work.  I THOUGHT...

Oh yeah...  You're a VEGGIEtarian.

Hmph.

Shoulda brought home some lettuce instead.

Be right back.

HEY PEEPERS!  IS STINGIN' NETTLE THE SAME AS LETTUCE?

Just kiddin'...

MOUSES!

So anyway, since you didn't appreciate the effort I made regardin' tonight's dinner, I'll take my squirrel back now.

What do you MEAN you put it away?

No, seriously, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

You wrapped it up in a paper towel, took it outside, and said a little prayer while laying it to rest?

YOU WHAT?

Mouses, woman, I caught that squirrel with my own four paws, and you...

Stupid, good for nothin', unappreciative, dimwitted peeps...

MOUSES!

And what are you doin' now?

Who are you callin', Peepers?  WHO ARE YOU CALLIN'?

You're not callin' the squirrel police, are you?  'Cause there's no need to do anythin' so rash as that.  There's no need to...

YOU'RE WHAT?

DON'T YOU DARE CALL THE VET.  DON'T YOU DARE!

I DO NOT NEED A DEWORMIN' PILL JUST 'CAUSE I CAUGHT A SQUIRREL.  I DO NOT!  I DIDN'T EVEN EAT IT!

Oh sure, I would have eaten it had I been given the chance, but you took it away before I got to, and...

Peepers, I promise never to catch a squirrel again.  If I promise to never, ever, ever catch another squirrel, will you promise not to call the vet?  Please?  PLEASE?  PLEASE?

I have the meanest, nastiest peep in the world wide world.

FACT.

MOUSES!

Well that's the last time I ever go grocery shoppin' for Peepers again.  The last time, I tell you.  The LAST TIME!

A kitty goes grocery shoppin' for their peep and what does a kitty get?

Nothin' but grief.

Not to mention a stupid dewormin' pill.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to MASK UP, too.