sixty-six weeks

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a Devilishly Dashing Dude named Seville.  Now Seville was a marmalade cat as handsome as handsome can be.  But as gorgeous as he was, he was far more than just a pretty face, for Seville was also a highly intelligent cat, for sure.  Much, much, MUCH more intelligent than his stupid ol' peeps.

Plus, he was incredibly modest, too.

And did I mention he was handsome?

Just checkin'.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, Seville, the devilishly dashing dude that he was, found himself livin' with a couple of no good for nothin' peeps durin' a pandemic and let me tell you somethin', my friends: bein' cooped up with those peeps for three hundred and fifty-nine million, two hundred and fifty-one thousand, two hundred cat seconds was tryin' his patience, for sure.

Now as a cat, Seville was patience personified, of course, but...

QUIT MAKIN' THOSE STUPID NOISES OVER THERE, PEEPERS!  CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKIN' ON MY BLOG?  Your noisily suppin' your tea like that is distractin' me.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, I remember now.

So Seville the Cat was patience personified, for sure.  He had to be, you see.  I mean, havin' those ridiculously stupid peeps on his paws, twenty-four seven, required more patience than an average cat could ever hope to muster.

PEEPERS!  I TOLD YOU TO QUIT MAKIN' THOSE NOISES!!!

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, Seville the Cat, bein' as patient as a saint, I should think, put up with his stupid-tailed peeps and their ridiculously stupid behaviour for sixty-six weeks.  It wasn't that he wanted to put up with this behaviour, of course, but...

Well...

Well he realised, they probably couldn't help bein' stupid.  After all, they were just peeps.

Peeps can't help their bein' an inferior species, you see.

And if Seville was anythin', SEVILLE WAS KIND.

Well, kind and...  And highly intelligent.  And incredibly handsome, to boot.

And did I mention he was modest?

Just checkin'.

MOUSES!

So on that fateful day when Seville found himself doin' the extremely complicated mathematical computations of figurin' out how many cat seconds there are in sixty-six weeks on his paws, he realised what a toll this ol' pandemic had taken on him.  How stressful and tiresome it had been to have stupid-tailed peeps with him, day in and day out, for that many days, and...

And Seville decided he needed a vacation.

Problem was, the devilishly dashing dude had nowhere to go.

'Cept outdoors, of course.  Into the backyard.

But the problem with goin' outside was that those stupid peeps of his, bein' mere peeps, wanted to got outside with him!  Yup, they tagged along like a couple of puppies.

MOUSES!

So Seville decided he needed to come up with a plan!

And this, my friends, is the reason I have listed Peep numbers one and two for sale, on-line.

Now TECHNICALLY, you're not allowed to sell peeps on-line, and if you try, the police show up at the front door.

Yeah, that was kinda embarrassing, I admit.

But apparently, you are allowed to swap 'em.  I found a whole site where peeps swap houses and jobs and things all the time!

And so far - paws crossed - no one has shown up at the door to stop me.

So I'm hopin' to have traded the peeps in for upgraded versions by the end of next week 'cause let me tell you somethin', my friends: I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THESE STUPID 'OL PEEPS OF MINE.

And if the upgraded versions come with cases of Fancy Feast and bottles of cream, that's definitely okay with me.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

we need to talk

Peepers, we need to talk.

Now.

MOUSES!

Okay Peepers, I'm gonna say a four-letter word and I don't want you to freak out 'bout this or anythin', but...

NO, NOT THAT FOUR-LETTER WORD.  What kinda kitty do you think I am?  What kinda kitty goes around sayin' THAT word?  You honestly think I'm a kitty like that?

MOUSES!

Okay, you had best sit down, Peepers.  Yup, you had best sit down, for sure.  I am now gonna say the four-letter word.

TICK.

MOUSES!

No, you don't have a tick on you.

I don't think.

Want me to check?

MOUSES!

Nah, I'm pretty sure you're good for now, but the thing is...

The thing is...

Well we took a vote, you see, and...

Who is we?  You wanna know who was in on the votin'?

Oh.

Well...

Well that would be me, myself, and I, of course.  I, Seville the Cat, get three votes, on account of...  Well I just do 'cause I'm me.  Saffron would have had a vote, too, but she wasn't around at the time.  But there were two cute little chickadees, one squawky blue jay, a big ol' rocky raccoon, and three squirrels.

Oh, and there was this bumblebee who wanted in on the action but the rest of us took ANOTHER vote and decided bees couldn't vote on account of our not trusting 'em to vote against the interests of other bugs, if you know what I mean, so...

So...

So the vote was unanimous: ten votes for, and zero against, and...

And...

AND THE VOTE IS IN.  PEEPERS, YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND MOW THE FRONT LAWN.

MOUSES!

What has lawn mowin' got to do with ticks, you ask?

Well...

Well ticks like long grass, you see, and the longer the grass, the more those dastardly ticks are gonna like our front lawn, and...

AND I DON'T WANNA BE HAVIN' TICKS DININ' ON ME.

MOUSES!

Actually, to be totally honest, I'm not too concerned 'bout myself on account of my gettin' my monthly dab on the back of my neck.  That takes care of those ticks not gettin' on me, but...

But YOU'LL be like an all you can eat buffet if they end up on you.

Of course, what we COULD do...

Peepers, you want me to dab some of that stuff from Dr T on the back of YOUR neck to keep the ticks at bay?  Works like a charm, it does.  Doesn't hurt one bit.  Now, you're a bit bigger than me, so I'll likely have to use a couple vials - at least - but I'm willin' to share my flea and tick begone meds with you, and...

WELL IF YOU WON'T LET ME DAB THE BACK OF YOUR NECK, GO OUT THERE AND MOW THAT FRONT LAWN!!!

Neighbours didn't get a vote but I'm pretty sure if they had, they'd have voted in favour of your reacquaintin' yourself with that ol' lawn mower, too.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

sixty-three weeks

*sighs*

Peepers...

*sighs*

... I'm bored.

*SIGHS*

HEY PEEPERS!  I SAID, I'M BORED!

"Well why don't you go outside and play?"

There's nothin' to do out there, Peepers.  THERE'S NOTHIN' TO DO!  Like I told you, I'm bored.

*sighs*

"Why don't you see if Saffron is out and about?  Maybe you could do something with her?"

She's not there, Peepers.  I checked.  After eatin' brekkies, she went off on her own.  I don't know where.  She's kinda secretive 'bout where she spends her time, you see.  So...

SO I'M BORED!

*SIGHS*

Too bored to even say MOUSES!

MOUSES!

Maybe not.

*sighs*

Peepers, you wanna do somethin' fun?  You wanna play a game or somethin' with me?

"Seville, these past few weeks, you've done nothing but complain about how horrible it is to have me on your paws every day, all day long, due to the pandemic.  And NOW you want me to play with you?"

Did you say a few weeks, Peepers?  Did you say FEW?  'Cause I'll let you know, it's been sixty-three weeks that I've been stuck home here with you on my paws, every day, all day long.  SIXTY-THREE WEEKS!  And sixty-three is not a few.

MOUSES!

Don't you go all Spock on me and raise that eyebrow of yours, Peepers.

Besides, you're doin' it all wrong.  Don't think your eye is supposed to twitch and look all weird like that, you see.

But as I was sayin'...

As I was sayin', sixty-three weeks is a super long time.  Why, it's...

Umm...

Carry the nine.

IT'S THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-TWO MILLION, NINE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED CAT SECONDS, YOU KNOW.

And did you hear the part 'bout the MILLIONS?

MOUSES!

But all that aside...

I'M STILL BORED!

*sighs*

Hey Peepers, I KNOW!  I know a game you'd be great at.  We can play What's That Smell?  Have you heard of it before?  You probably have.  I mean, with that ol' schnoz of yours, I bet you'll be a natural, for sure.  It's super easy to play.  We look for somethin' outside in the dirt.  You know, somethin' buried in the ground or the compost pile or maybe even in the garbage.  You know, wherever.  We both sniff it, and the winner is the one who figures out what it is, first.  Let's head outside now, and...

HEY PEEPERS, WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?  The door to outside is that way.  I want you to come outside with me to play!

*SIGHS*

I'M BORED!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

happy pee day, peep!

Happy Pee Day, Peepers!

I said, HAPPY PEE DAY!

Why are you givin' me that funny look?

Oh for mousin' out loud; a kitty wishes his peep a Happy Pee Day and what does a kitty get?

NOTHIN' BUT GRIEF.

MOUSES!

The thing is, Peepers, today is Mothers Day.  But you're not my mama.  My mama was a cat and you, lady, are no cat.  You're merely a peep.  But...

But still, you do do stuff that a mama cat would do, I suppose, like makin' sure my food and water bowls are full, providin' a roof over my head, supplyin' me with the nip, etc, etc...  So...

So I figured, even though you're not my actual mama - who was a cat - you do deserve some sort of recognition today.

What?  What's that?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Well yeah, I shortened peep to pee.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

MOUSES!

Because Pee Day is a whole lot easier to say than PeeP Day, that's why.  That extra consonant in there makes me all tongue-tied and stuff.

MOUSES!

But don't be expectin' a Pee Day card or anythin' like that.  Surprisingly enough, Hallmark DOESN'T actually make a card for every occasion.

Who knew?

MOUSES!

Look Peepers, when YOU'VE been stuck in a house with a couple of good-for-nothin' peeps for three hundred and twenty-six million, five hundred and ninety-two thousand cat seconds, THEN you'll get to have a say in whether it's called Pee Day or PeeP Day.  But until then...

WHAT I SAY, GOES.

On account of my bein' a cat.

Got that?

MOUSES!

Yeah, you keep on complainin' and I'll be wishin' you a Happy Poo Day, as you appear to have some kinda weird fetish with litter boxes and stuff.  Would you rather be celebratin' Poo Day, today, Peepers?  Would you?

That shut her up.

Like I said before, a kitty wishes his peep a Happy Pee Day and what does a kitty get?

NOTHIN' BUT GRIEF.

MOUSES!

SO HAPPY PEE DAY, PEEPERS!

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

fifty-nine weeks

Boy-oh-boy, Peepers.  I'm tellin' ya.  I've had you stuck here at home now, ON MY PAWS, botherin' and pesterin' me to no end for like...

*claws fly as I do some quick calculations on the calculator*

For like three hundred and twenty-one million, one hundred and forty-eight thousand, eight hundred cat seconds.  And in all that time...

In all that time...

YOU'VE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN' AT ALL.

'Cept bother me, of course.

MOUSES!

And so it is with this in mind that I, Seville the Cat, am takin' matters into my own four paws and institutin' some changes around here.  For starters, you're goin' back to school.  Yeah, you heard that right, Peepers.  YOU are goin' back to school.  Home schoolin'.  It's all the rage right now, you know, what with schools in Nova Scotia havin' been shut down last week and everyone switchin' to on-line learnin'.  So...

So I, Seville the Cat, have some teachin' to do.  Yeah, you heard that right, too, Peepers.  I'm gonna be your teacher these next few weeks.

MOUSES!

Lesson number one: PLANT IDENTIFICATION FOR DUMMIES.  I mean, peeps.

Peeps...  Dummies...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

Okay, now let's take a look at these green plant thingies growin' in the tubs with your roses, shall we?  You know the ones.  The ones that appeared outta nowhere - AGAIN - this spring, on account of some stuff self-seedin' and whatnot last year.

So you've got your stench-of-the-citrus lemon balm, and your wrong-kinda-nippy minty peppermint.  Oh, and we mustn't forget the worse-than-a-swarm-of-wasps stingin' nettle.  Then, pushin' all that junk stuff aside, we have the good stuff.  The stuff we WANT to grow.  The CATNIP, of course.  Got that, Peepers?

No?  Well were you listenin' to what I just said?  If you were listenin', you should understand this stuff by now.  My gosh you're a slow one, aren't ya.

Not a question.  Statement of fact.

MOUSES!

Let's start again.  See this one, here?  That's lemon balm.  Reeks of lemon, it does.  REEKS!  One of the stinkiest stinks on the face of the Earth.  Worse than just about anythin', I think.  But if you wanna touch it or give it a sniff - although it's beyond me why anyone would actually want to sniff a stench like that - you can.  Just be prepared for a feelin' of nausea that may overtake you when the stinky stench reaches your brain.

Okay, time to move on.  Now here we have the peppermint.  It smells way better than the lemon balm.  Of course, EVERYTHIN' does.  Smells better, but not necessarily good.  It's all relative, you see.  And it doesn't smell nearly as nice as catnip.  Of course.  Again, this one is safe to touch and sniff and luckily for you, the side effects of the smell aren't as horrible as that of the lemon stuff.

MOUSES!

Now let's move on to the stingin' nettle.

DON'T TOUCH!

*rolls eyes*

Don't touch it again, I should say.  With the number of times you've grabbed hold of nettles, Peepers, you'd THINK you would have learned by now not to touch the stuff.  CLEARLY, you're slow on the uptake there.  CLEARLY!

Now as for smellin' the nettles, I don't recommend it.  It's not they stink, or anythin' like that.  I don't actually mind their smell, myself.  BUT if your nose is close enough to sniff 'em, your nose is probably close enough to get stung by 'em, too.

Again.

MOUSES!

And now we're onto the catnip.  The glorious, Heaven-sent Nepeta cataria.  It's related to the other plants we've covered today, but not stinky like the first two, and it never stings.

Gets a kitty high as a kite, sure, but never, ever stings.

PURRS

And now...

*excitedly rubs front paws together*

Now we've come to the practical laboratory part of today's lesson, Peepers.  Now I want you to weed out all the stench-of-the-citrus lemon balm and wrong-kinda-nippy minty peppermint, along with the worse-than-a-swarm-of-wasps stingin' nettle growin' in these here tubs of roses.  You can get rid of the roses, too, if you like.  I don't think much of 'em, anyway.  The catnip plants, however, need to be ever-so-carefully transplanted to better locations, and...

Oh for mousin' out loud, Peepers.  I thought I told you not to touch those stingin' nettles!  AGAIN.

*shakes head*

You really are the silliest peep ever.

Silliest...  Stupidest...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

forty-seven weeks

I know that many of you have been wonderin' how Peepers has been dealin' with her hair these past forty-seven weeks of this here pandemic.  Wonderin' to the point of bein' driven crazy, I should think.  Wonderin' how on earth Peepers has been copin'!

And I KNOW you've been wonderin' because pals have been askin', Has she snuck out to the hair dresser durin' all that time?  Or, Has she attempted cuttin' it herself?  And, Is it all tied up in a gigantic messy ol' ball?  AND EVEN, Is she givin' ol' Rapunzel a run for her money?

Seriously, pals HAVE been askin'.  They've been askin' me these very things.  I've been fendin' off these questions for an eternity, for sure.

Well for two hundred and fifty-five million, eight hundred and thirty thousand, four hundred cat seconds, at least.

MOUSES!

And I understand why pals have been askin'.  I mean, it's not like Peepers' hair does the sensible thing and falls out when it gets to a certain length like my gorgeous orange furs.

Nope.  No sirree.  Peepers does not shed.

Although she has been known to leave a trail of cookie crumbs from the kitchen to my office.

MOUSES!

But back to the peep's stupid ol' hair.

So the deal is, Peep #2 has been cuttin' Peep #1's hair.

And BOTH have survived.

So far.

MOUSES!

'Bout a week ago or so, was the most recent time one of these hair cuttin' events took place.  The last few times were uneventful.  Or maybe I just wasn't payin' attention and didn't know what went on, on account of my not usually givin' a rat's tail 'bout ol' Peepers' hair, but...

But this last time...

This last time...

Well...

Well this last time, Peepers was in the kitchen, and Peep #2 had the scissors in paw, and I heard...

I heard...

I heard...

Chomp.  Chomp.  Chomp.

Yup, that's just what I heard.

MOUSES!

Seriously, it sounded exactly like that.  Sounded like scissors cuttin' through thick fabric or somethin' at a rather fast pace.

I'VE HEARD PEEP #1 PRUNE A SHRUB WITH MORE CARE!

MOUSES!

And then I heard Peep #2's voice.  "Oh no," is what was said.

Not a good sound, my friends.  NOT A GOOD SOUND!

Especially if you happen to be a peep.

I quickly ran into the kitchen and saw half a peep lyin' dead on the floor.

Okay, so I saw just half of Peepers' hair, but nevertheless...

Nevertheless...

Well long story short, no pun intended, Peepers' hair is back up in that stupid ponytail of hers, where it will stay, away from the pryin' eyes of others, and where mistakes can be hidden.

And the lesson to be learned, is....

WHAT GOES ON IN THE PONYTAIL, STAYS IN THE PONYTAIL

MOUSES!

Good thing Peepers has that entire drawer full of hair scrunchies, you know?  She's gonna need 'em, for sure.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

forty-six weeks

This is why we can't have friends over, Peepers.  THIS is why.

*sighs*

MOUSES!

Oh sure, peeps think the reason we haven't had anyone over in forty-six wee...  Um...  I mean two hundred and fifty million, three hundred and eighty-seven thousand, two hundred cat seconds, on account of this ol' pandemic thingy, but...

But...

BUT...

BUT THE REAL REASON is the behaviour of the peep.

MOUSES!

Okay, so maybe, well technically it IS on account of the pandemic and shielding and isolatin' and not wantin' to catch fleas...  I MEAN COVID, but...

But...

BUT...

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYONE SEEIN' PEEPER'S CRAZY BEHAVIOUR, EITHER!

MOUSES!

A peep can get locked up in a rubber room for behaviour like that.

MOUSES!

*holds up paw*

I don't wanna hear it, Peepers.  I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

No.

No!

NO, YOU CAN'T.

'CAUSE IT'S STUPID AND CRAZY, IS WHY.

MOUSES!

Peepers, if I've told you once, I've told a million and forty-six thousand times, THE KITCHEN IS NOT A DANCE FLOOR.

MOUSES!

No.

No!

NO, I DON'T.

'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVIN' SOME KINDA SEIZURE, IS WHY.

MOUSES!

Peepers, NO ONE - and when I say no one, I mean absolutely no one in the entire universe, along with various other alternative universes, and including me - wants to see you tossin' your arms and legs about like that..

THAT'S NOT DANCIN', PEEPERS.  IT'S NOTHIN' OF THE SORT!

Oh for mousin' out loud.  Peepers, if a cat walks into the kitchen and sees you behavin' like that, said cat is likely gonna call 9-1-1.

Well, I would, I suppose, but I'm not gonna on account of the fact that THE EMTS DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR SO-CALLED DANCIN', EITHER.

MOUSES!

I do so know.

'Cause they told me.

Okay, fine.  They didn't actually tell me anythin', on account of my not havin' called 'em, ON ACCOUNT OF MY BEIN' TOO EMBARRASSED BY YOUR RIDICULOUS SO-CALLED DANCIN' to let anyone past the front door.

MOUSES!

*microwave dings*

Your supper is ready, Peepers.  Now go be a good little peep and eat your din-dins and stop thrashin' about like an octopus outta water.

Although an octopus would have WAY more grace.  MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE COORDINATION!

Good grief.  I'm gonna have to wash my brain out with soap and water after witnessin' that.  There are some things a kitty can never unsee.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

forty-five weeks

So forty-five weeks is the same as...

Carry the one.

Carry that other one.

Oops!  That was just a speck of dirt and not a one.  Heeheeheeheehee...

Then multiply it all by...

GOT IT!  Forty-five weeks is the same as two hundred and forty-four million, nine hundred and forty-four thousand cat seconds.

MOUSES!

So as of today, I've been stuck here in this ol' house with the peeps for TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR MILLION, NINE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR THOUSAND CAT SECONDS

MOUSES!

Well, I suppose it could be worse.

NOT.

MOUSES!

And today, not only am I stuck in the house with the peeps, but the peeps are also stuck here with me, and...

Wait a minute.

PEEPERS!  JUST WHAT THE MOUSES DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE STUCK IN HERE WITH ME?

PEEPERS, BEIN' STUCK HERE WITH ME IS A PRIVILEGE!  YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY AS TO BE STUCK HERE WITH ME ALL THE TIME.  LUCKY!  LUCKY, I TELL YOU.  LUCKY!  YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEEPS OUT THERE WOULD LOVE TO BE STUCK IN A HOUSE WITH A CAT LIKE ME?

AND WHEN I SAY STUCK, I ACTUALLY MEAN HONOURED.

MOUSES!

Boy-oh-boy, some peeps.

Hmph.

I'm thinkin' Peepers is just in a foul mood on account of the weatherpeeps sayin' we were only gonna get a couple centimetres of snow overnight, but appear to have gotten their centimetres confused with their feet.  I mean, paws.  NO, I definitely mean feet.

MOUSES!

Yup, that's right, we had a major snowfall out there.  White stuff...  EVERYWHERE.  And before Peepers can go to the store or anywhere else, she'll have to shovel us out.

AND SHE JUST SHOVELLED, YESTERDAY!

I, on the other paw, am spendin' the day inside.

Away from the snow.

Outta the cold.

Even if I DO have to spend it with the peeps.

MOUSES!

*grins*

But I'm gonna suggest to Peepers that she head out there with the shovel, NOW.  More time she spends shovellin', the LESS time I'll have to spend with her here inside the house, pesterin' and annoyin' me.

Like the pesterin' and annoyin' peep that she is.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

Christmas Eve, Eve

 

Oohhh boy - *rubs front paws together with glee* - only two more days 'til Christmas.  Today is Christmas Eve, Eve

MOUSES!

That's right, only two days left before the Big Guy in Red stops by my house with nip mice and treats.

I CAN'T WAIT!

Okay, so I actually can.  Wait, I mean.  It's not like I have a choice, anyway.  The calendar is what it is, and Christmas is still two days away.

MOUSES!

This Christmas is gonna be different from others, for sure.  Due to COVID travel restrictions, I haven't been able to use my teleportation device, so this year there are no Christmas adventures for me.  I did consider firin' up the ol' flyin' fryin' pan anyway and flyin' right past the border patrols and stuff, but...

BUT IT WOULD BE WRONG.

So I didn't.

MOUSES!

I also briefly considered doin' a little time-travellin' and travellin' back in time to a pre-pandemic world, but...

BUT THAT WOULD BE WRONG, TOO.

So I didn't.

Didn't wanna risk startin' a pandemic up in some other time.  Can you IMAGINE bein' responsible for somethin' like that?  My gosh, I'd end up on Santa's naughty list for eternity, never to see the Big Guy in Red, again.

MOUSES!

I did get to chat with some birdies this mornin'.  Yup, chatted with a couple blue jays emptying out the feeder Peepers filled earlier today.  They're not travellin' anywhere for Christmas, either.  Why would they?  They've got the peep wrapped 'round their little feet, fillin' up feeders for 'em and cleanin' up the messes they leave behind.

Oh, you should have seen 'em today.  TWO blue jays perched on either side of a feeder not meant for birds the size of blue jays, at all, treatin' it like a seesaw or somethin' and dumpin' all the bird seed out.

That, too, IS WRONG, but hey, I'M not arguin' with a couple squawky jays.

MOUSES!

So this year, besides those blue jays who are stickin' around, I'll be spendin' Christmas at home and all alone...

Well with the peeps, I suppose, but I won't be cavorting with Rudolf or Santa or any elves...

Which is a good thing, in a way, 'cause let me tell ya, ELVES CAN GET AWFULLY CRANKY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR.

It's the stress of havin' to make all those toys on a tight deadline and then havin' to wrap 'em all up.

MOUSES!

But even though I have no adventures on the go on account of my STAYIN' THE BLAZES HOME just like Premier McNeil says we should do, I can always share some Christmas adventures from years, past.  Right?  RIGHT.

MOUSES!

So here you are, my friends.  Here are some of my adventures from the many Christmases that have come before.  ENJOY!

The Santa Sack, part I, and The Santa Sack, part II, 2019

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, 2018

 The Shelf Elf, 2017

Santa's Mail Train and Mason to the Rescue, 2017

Reindeer Dust and Seville Saves Christmas, 2016

The Mysterious Ornament, 2015

The Naughty List, 2014

Home in Time for Christmas, 2013

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY FRIENDS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

thirty-seven weeks

You know what they say...

They say, the lights are on, but nobody's home.

Clearly, these people have met my peep.

MOUSES!

So I was chattin' with the ol' peep this mornin' and remindin' her 'bout how she and I have been cooped up in this ol' house together now for like thirty-seven weeks, due to the pandemic thing.  Yup, we've been pretty much cooped up here together for two hundred and one million, three hundred and ninety-eight thousand, four hundred cat seconds, and...

AND SHE DIDN'T FIND ANYTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT, AT ALL.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

MOUSES!

Of course, my bein' cooped up with her IS a whole lot harder on me, than her bein' able to spend extra time with me is, on her.

I mean...

I mean, it's kinda like an honour and a privilege for her to be spendin' all day, every day, with me, right?  A real HONOUR.  A real privilege, too.  On the other paw, my havin' to spend day in and day out with Peepers is a struggle of the greatest magnitude, for sure.

Why, just the other day...

Just the other day, I said to the peep, "Peepers, you're gonna wanna do something 'bout this here mess you left on the kitchen floor," and her reply was...

"Blah blah blah...  Blah blah, blah.  Blah blah, blah blah, blah BLAH."

So I said, "WHAT?"

Then she blahhed a bit more, which was difficult to understand on account of my not really listenin' to her blahhin' and blatherin', on account of her blatherin' usually bein' super stupid.  So again I had to ask, "WHAT?"

Well that did it.  She gave me THE LOOK.

And then...

Then she accused ME of makin' the mess in the kitchen.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

MOUSES!

Now sure, some of that mess might very well have happened when I knocked over the bag of my special kibble, but...

BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT SAID KIBBLE BAG WAS LEANIN' UP AGAINST THE ISLAND LIKE IT WAS, JUST ASKIN' TO BE KNOCKED OVER.

Askin'?  No, it was practically BEGGIN'.

SHE left the bag there, open and easily accessible.  She did it.  Yes, SHE.  Therefore, it was HER FAULT it got knocked over in the first place.

DON'T PEEPS UNDERSTAND THAT IF THEY DON'T WANT SOMETHIN' KNOCKED OVER, THEY SHOULDN'T LEAVE SAID SOMETHIN' IN A PLACE WHERE IT CAN BE KNOCKED ABOUT?

DON'T THEY?

Of course they don't.

MOUSES!

Now here is my predicament, my friends.  My predicament havin' to do with Peepers.  In about four weeks or so, we have Christmas comin' up.  Soon it's gonna be time for decoratin' the tree, and...

AND I'M NOT TAKIN' ANY RESPONSIBILITY IF SAID TREE GETS KNOCKED DOWN.

Like I said before: if you don't want messes made, don't leave potential messes lyin' about, just WAITIN' to happen.

'Cause let me tell you somethin': if I'm gonna be cooped up with the peeps for much longer, I'm gonna have a whole lot of built up energy just waitin' to be spent.

Methinks this year, the peep should nail that sucker down to the floor.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

thirty-one weeks

Mouses, Peepers, you'd think that by now...

You'd THINK that by NOW you would have figured this stuff out.

You'd really think that after spendin' the last one hundred and sixty-eight million, seven hundred and thirty-nine thousand, two hundred cat seconds in a pandemic, you'd know that IF YOU DON'T WANNA MAKE EXTRA TRIPS TO THE STORE...

YOU'VE GOTTA REMEMBER TO GET THE IMPORTANT STUFF WHEN YOU GO OUT!

MOUSES!

Don't give me that crap talk, Peepers.  What I wanna know is...

WHERE IS MY CREAM?

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  I've heard it all before.  I heard all 'bout how you forgot to get me some cream when you went shoppin', but...

BUT HOW COULD YOU?  HOW COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT MY CREAM?

Farts, shmarts, woman.   I WANT MY CREAM.

MOUSES!

Lookie here, Peepers, you may think you're savin' me from lactose intolerance tummy issues, but truth be told, you're actually savin' YOURSELF from...

Well...

Farts.

I DON'T CARE IF IT GIVES ME AN UPSET TUMMY!

Well, actually, I do.  Or I WOULD, if that were true, but my tummy and I have had a little chat and we've decided this whole no-cream-for-the-cat business is totally overblown.  TOTALLY.

MOUSES!

YOU'RE NOT IN TOUCH WITH MY TUMMY, PEEPERS, and don't you deny it.  I, on the other paw, have a close relationship with my tummy, and me and my tummy know best.  WE - my tummy and I - know that cats are in favour of cream.

Personally, I think this whole cream and lactose intolerance thing is a ruse.  PERSONALLY, I think it's just peeps' way of hoggin' all the cream.

Don't think I didn't notice you and Peep #2 eatin' pumpkin pie, last weekend, topped with a whole whack of the creamy deliciousness that is whipped cream.

'Cause I did, you know.  I DID notice all that whipped cream you put on top of your pie.  And I've come to the conclusion that all you cream-hogging peeps ATE ALL OF THE CREAM and created a province-wide cream shortage, that is...

Well...

Province wide.

So even though you may SAY you forgot to get me some cream when grocery shoppin', I think...

I THINK...

I THINK IT'S MORE LIKELY THAT THERE'S NO CREAM TO GET, 'CAUSE YOU PEEPS ATE IT ALL YOURSELVES.

Of all the selfish, cream-hoggin' things to do.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

thirty weeks

Happy Thanksgivin' everybody.  HAPPY THANKSGIVIN'!!!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', durin' this ol' pandemic thingy - which, by the way, is gettin' older and older by the day - for what do I have to be thankful?

Well...

Well for starters, EVEN THOUGH I've been pretty much cooped up in this here ol' house with a couple of good for nothin' peeps for like...

For like one hundred and sixty-three million, two hundred and ninety-six thousand cat seconds, at least...

WELL...

Well at least we're all safe and sound.

MOUSES!

You know, there are peeps out there complainin' about complainin', and I'm like...

COMPLAININ' IS WHAT WE CATS DO, and we cats do it best.  Go get your own hobby, you good for nothin' peeps.

MOUSES!

But seriously, I'm like...

I'm like, hey, we're all safe, we're healthy, and we're sound.

Well at least I'm sound.  If we're talking 'bout bein' of sound mind, I can't speak for the peeps.

MOUSES!

The thing is, I really and truly am thankful.  I'm thankful for a whole lot of things.

I'm thankful that even though I've been cooped up in this ol' house with the peeps...

Did I mention how they were good for nothin'?

But that's beside the point.  Yeah, their bein' good for nothin' is besides the point, for sure.  The important thing is, even though I've been cooped up in this ol' house with the peeps for thirty weeks, AT LEAST WE HAVE a house in which to be cooped up, and that's somethin' to be thankful for, for sure.

I'm also thankful for the food on my plates that I didn't eat, along with the food in my tummy that I did.  And I'm thankful for cream and treats and other tasty things.

AND NIP!  I mustn't forget 'bout the nip.  I'm SUPER THANKFUL for that.

And I'm thankful that Peepers finally figured out how to thread the sewin' machine and made me some biff bags and nip mice and stuff.  I'm also thankful that even though she also used that very same machine to make masks for herself and Peep #2, she didn't make any for me.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of masks, I'm thankful that when Peepers goes shoppin' for my fuds, she always first puts on her mask to stay safe.  I'm also thankful for the all the other peeps out there who don their masks, too, keepin' my Peepers safe so that she can come home to me safe and sound, although not necessarily of mind, as we discussed earlier on.

I'm thankful for all my pals who read my blog, and visit me on Facebook and Twitter.  I love each and every one and don't know what I'd do without 'em.

But I'm also thankful for the block buttons on Facebook and Twitter.  You know, for when peeps I DON'T EVEN KNOW start gettin' all up in my furs 'bout this ol' pandemic thingy, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

What do you MEAN it's not nice to be thankful for bein' able to block peeps who annoy me on social media?  What do you MEAN?

*scratches behind an ear*

Okay, so APPARENTLY this bein' thankful thing isn't like prayin' or anythin' like that.  Bein' truthful isn't required.

MOUSES!

*sneers in the direction of the peep*

I'm still thankful for that block button, though.

MOUSES!

But the thing is...

THE THING IS...

The thing is, I AM ONE SUPER THANKFUL KITTY, FOR SURE.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

I'z so conflicted!

 

I'z so conflicted!

I'Z SO CONFLICTED!

I'Z SO...

Hold on there, Peepers.  Don't you go closin' that door just yet.

I'M STILL CONFLICTED.

MOUSES!

What to do, what to do...  What on Earth is a kitty to do?

Do I go outside?  The ground looks kinda wet.  I'm pretty sure it's been rainin'.

BUT THE BREEZE FEELS SO NICE ON MY FURS.

Hmmm....  I could just sit here by the back door, I suppose.  You know, sit here with the door wide open.  I could just sit here for a while enjoyin' the lovely breeze while stayin' indoors, out of the drizzle and rain.

But what if that breeze were to get stronger and slam the door shut?  What if it slammed the door shut while I was sittin' here, and...

Oh, that's too horrible to even think about.

MOUSES!

But you know...   What good is havin' a peep, if you can't make use of 'em, right?  AM I RIGHT?  Right.

Peepers, you don't mind standin' there by this here back door, holdin' onto it to make sure it doesn't slam shut on me while I sit here enjoyin' the fresh air, do you?

Of course you don't.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN you do mind?  Have you forgotten you're nothin' more than a lowly peep?

Besides, it's not like I'm gonna be here for long.  An hour or two, tops.  Well...  Well maybe three.  I might feel like takin' a short nap, and...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT WILLIN' TO STAND THERE HOLDIN' ONTO THE DOOR FOR ME ALL AFTERNOON?

Of all the no good for nothin' peeps.

MOUSES!

Okay, how 'bout this, then?  How 'bout you SIT there by the door, holdin' onto it so that it doesn't slam shut on me while I'm sittin' here...

Well you can go get yourself a CHAIR, woman!  I didn't say you had to sit on the floor.

Although truth be told, if the floor is good enough for me...

MOUSES!

Why are you countin', Peepers?  Why have you started countin'?

YOU'RE WHAT?  You're countin' to three, and by the time you get to three the door is gonna be shut one way or the other, so I have to decide on which side of the door I wanna be?

BUT I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE.  IT COULD RAIN ON ME!

You know I'm not partial to that.

No, I can't stay inside, either.  I'm enjoyin' the fresh air, and...

*Three.*

You...  You...  You...

YOU...

YOU CLOSED THE BACK DOOR ON ME.

MOUSES!

Well that's that, then, I guess.  But just so you know, Peepers, I'M STILL CONFLICTED.  Oh sure, I may no longer be conflicted 'bout whether I should go outside or stay in.  Hard to be conflicted 'bout that since you went and made my decision for me, but...

BUT I'M STILL CONFLICTED, PEEPERS.  I'm still conflicted, for sure.  I'm just conflicted 'bout other stuff, is all.

What to do, what to do...

Should I teach Peepers a lesson by peein' on her sweater?  Or should I perhaps poop in her shoe?  Or maybe I should just throw up on the floor next to her bed.  Right where she puts her feet in the mornin' when gettin' up.  That's the best place for tossin' one's cookies, for sure.

So many decisions for a kitty to make.

WHAT IS A KITTY TO DO?

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

storm watch

This is Seville the Cat here, bringin' you live updates 'bout Hurricane Teddy approachin' Atlantic Canada on Tuesday September 22nd.  By the time Teddy makes landfall later today, the weatherpeeps are expectin' him or her to have been downgraded to a Tropical Storm, or somethin' like that.  Strong winds, stronger gusts, and lots and lots of heavy rain.

MOUSES!

Now let me peer out into the oncomin' storm...

Okay, I can't see all that much, on account of my bein' in the house and under the dinin' room table, but it sounds like it's pourin' outside.

Sure am glad I'm in.

MOUSES!

And in other news...

And in other news, while the Province of Nova Scotia is battenin' down the hatches, securing objects that might get blown around and injure people or damage property, nearby...

IN MY COUNTY, peeps have just finished pilin' all sorts of possible projectiles at the ends of their driveways, ready to be picked up in the fall cleanup tomorrow mornin'.

That's how we roll here in Annapolis County.

MOUSES!

Peeps.  Peeps will be peeps.

MOUSES!

Yup, it's true.  Much to my dismay, I watched ol' Peepers drag one of my super old kitty condos down to the curb this mornin'.  It's missin' half its carpetin' and, truth be told, I threw up on it last week, so I'm not too upset 'bout it goin' out in the garbage.

And I really don't think it'll ever get airborne.  Nope, not even with a hurricane strength wind gust.  It's pretty massive, you see.  And heavy.  Super heavy.  Super duper heavy, for sure.  You should have HEARD ol' Peepers huffin' and puffin' as she carried it down the stairs.

Carried...  Dragged...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

Nope, that thing is stayin' put down there on the road.

But there's an old plastic lawn chair lyin' next to it that likely WON'T be around tomorrow mornin'.

MOUSES!

But seriously, what is Peepers to do?  County wants to go ahead with the cleanup even though there's a hurricane / tropical storm on its way.

MOUSES!

I've got my paws crossed that some of the neighbours have put out tins of the fanciest of the feasts that might happen to roll on by, my way.

Roll by...  Fly by...  Whatever.

But with my luck, if anythin' blows into my yard, it'll likely be somethin' stupid like...

Like...

Like nail clippers and harnesses and a kitty-sized dumb ol' bathtub.

MOUSES!

But in OTHER news...

Well not so much other, as unrelated.

WELL...  Well not so much unrelated as uh...

Um...

More interestin' to me.

In MORE INTERESTIN' TO ME news, my catnip plants are safely secured.  Yup, Peepers tucked the pots in a corner where they're not likely to be affected by any winds.  They'll get rained on, she says, but rain is okay.

JUST AS LONG AS THEY DON'T GET BLOWN AWAY.

I have my 2020 nip crop to protect, you see.

MOUSES!

Well that's all I have to report for now.  It's currently Tuesday afternoon and I'm gonna schedule this post for publishin' tomorrow, Wednesday, my regular publishin' day.  I need to be prepared in case our power or Internet go out, or anythin' like that.

For further information on the storm and Hurricane Teddy, tune in to CBC.

You never know.  You might see me there!  Yup, if that ol' TV network is smart, they'll wanna interview me, Seville the Cat, for sure, 'cause I'm kinda famous, you see.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.