afternoon plans

Hey ho, Sivvers the Cat here, bringin' you the latest news from sunny Nova Scotia.

Scratch that.  It's not sunny today.

Hey ho, Sivvers the Cat here, bringin' you the latest news from dull and drizzlin', RAINY Nova Scotia.

But give it a minute, 'cause all that could change.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, here I am, lookin' out my office window at a dull, borin', drizzlin' kinda day.  A day without a sunpuddle in sight.  Thing is though, the weatherpeeps on the telly are sayin' it's supposed to be sunny.  And who knows, maybe by this afternoon it will be.  But this mornin'?  Like I said, not a sunpuddle in sight.

MOUSES!

So as the weatherpeeps currently appear to be WRONG, I'll have to plan on doin' somethin' other than sunbathin' this afternoon.  But what?  What on earth should I do?  What should I do on a drizzly kinda day?

I figured I'd ask Saffron what his plans were for the day but after I shook him awake, he just rolled over, let out a big yarn, and went back to sleep.

Guess that's what happens when you're up at three doin' the zoomies all through the house.

MOUSES!

Then I asked the peep what HER plans were for the day but before she could give me an answer, I thought better of that and walked outta the room.  WHATEVER Peepers has planned is bound to be of no interest to me.  Peepers is known to do borin', stupid stuff.  It's in her nature, you see.

MOUSES!

Then I looked out my office window.  Thought I might find some inspiration out there.  Thought someone outside might give me some ideas.

There were birdies flittin' about, but you know...  Well we cat's can't fly and therefore, we can't flit.

MOUSES!

Then I saw some guy ridin' a bike.

Hmmm...

Nope, my paws wouldn't reach the peddles.

'Cause I don't have a Seville the Cat sized bike, you see.

MOUSES!

Then I saw some other guy runnin' or joggin' or somethin' like that.  He appeared to be runnin' after the guy on the bike.

Like a dog chasin' a car.  Like. A. DOG.

MOUSES!

Well I'm certainly NOT gonna do that.

Then I noticed a crack in the clouds and the sun peekin' out, and I thought...

And I thought...

SUNPUDDLES HERE I COME!

But then it clouded over again so that was that.

MOUSES!

*sighs*

So that's when I decided I'd find out what the peep's plans were for the day, after all.  AND EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE BOUND TO BE BORIN' AND STUPID (like usual), I, Seville the Cat, would lend a paw to help her out.  'Cause we kitties can be helpful in so many ways.  If she's gonna read, I can read along with her, flickin' my tail across her book when the page is in need of changin'.  If she's gonna knit, I can prep her yarn with my spit.  If she's gonna bake, I can be right there, doin' figure eights 'round and 'round and 'round her feet.  If she's gonna nap, I can meow and meow AND MEOW AS LOUDLY AS A KITTY POSSIBLY CAN MEOW and lull her to sleep.   Oh, and if it dries up a bit and she goes out to garden, I can go out with her and dig a whole whack of things up.  If she's gonna....

Aw, who am I kiddin'?  I think I'll go take a nap.

After havin' a snack.

'Cause all this plannin' has made me a mite peckish, you see.

Not to mention kinda tired.

I'm in dire need of some sleep.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

trust

Trust, Peepers, trust.  It's all about trust.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  Doesn't work that way, my peep.  JUST 'CAUSE YOU trust Saffy, doesn't mean Saffy is automatically gonna trust you.

MOUSES!

I KNOW you trust Saffy not to scratch you or bite you or...  Well not bite you hard enough to break the skin, that is.  I know all 'bout how you trust that brother of mine, but...

Well...

Well like I said, your trustin' Saffy doesn't mean Saffy is gonna automatically trust you.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  I know he trusts you way more than he did way back when.  You know, when he first arrived on our doorstep 'bout three years ago, I mean.

'Course that's not sayin' all that much.  Way back then, Saffy didn't trust you as far as he could throw you.  And considerin' the fact that he's a cat and you're a peep...  Well let's just say the size differential would make his throwin' you ANYWHERE somewhat hard to do.

MOUSES!

But back to this issue of trust.  Yes, Saffy does trust you way more now than he did then, but...

Well...

Well there are still limits to said trust.

MOUSES!

Limits?  Limits means that he...

Oh, so you actually know what the word limits means.

Who knew?

MOUSES!

But never mind that.  The thing is: yes, Saffy Saffron Sassifras DOES trust you enough for him to lie on his back, exposin' his tummy for all to see, lookin' like he's givin' you an open invitation to tickle said tummy.

But...

But...

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY ACCEPT HIS INVITATION.

MOUSES!

'Cause Peepers, when some peep comes up to a kitty and starts unexpectedly tickin' his tummy - the kitty's tummy, I mean - THERE'S ALWAYS gonna be a moment of panic as the kitty realises someone is doin' what they're doin' to his tummy, and...

And...

And that moment of panic may result in a claw or two bein' sunk into some peep's hand.

Or eight!

Claws, that is.

MOUSES!

Just be thankful Saffy gave you the invitation in the first place, Peepers.  But next time?  Perhaps next time you really shouldn't accept it.

Least not whilst Saffy is half asleep.

And definitely not if you're not wearin' heavy gloves like the ones peeps use whilst dealin' with long-taloned eagles.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

have you seen it?

Hey Peepers!  You happen to know where my catnip biff bag is?

No, I'm lookin' for the white and yellow one.  The one with the bumblebee print for fabric.

Nope, not that one.

I KNOW that biff bag is white and yellow and is covered in cute little bumblebees; but that's not the biff bag I want.  I want the OTHER white and yellow bumblebee fabric biff bag.

Not that one, either.  I want THE OTHER, other white and yellow bumbl...

'CAUSE I HAVE THREE, THAT'S WHY.  I have three catnip biff bags that are white and yellow with bumblebees, for fabric.  I'm not lookin' for either of those two.  I'm lookin' for the third one.  You happen to know where that one might be?

I'm lookin' for the other one 'cause, well...  Well for starters, those two you're holdin' in your hand are all covered in slobber.

HEY!  Careful with my biff bags.  Don't you be dropping 'em on the floor like that.  A little slobber never hurt anyone.

Besides, it's mostly dried up by now.

MOUSES!

But back to the quest at paw.  Do you have any idea where my white and yellow biff bag with the bumblebee print might be?  My OTHER white and yellow bumblebee biff bag, that is.  You have any idea at all?  I've looked under the chesterfield and both family room chairs.  I don't think I had it in the livin' room so it can't be there.  And I don't think I had it upstairs, either.

Hmmm...

You didn't happen to throw it out, did you?

Just askin'.

Hey, my accusatory tone is too warranted, on account of my knowin' you've been known to chuck out a biff bag or two.

Plus, this mornin' was garbage collection.

MOUSES!

I swear, Peepers, sometimes you go 'round the house on garbage day morning, JUST LOOKIN' FOR STUFF to fill up the bag.  And more often than not, said stuff belongs to me.

MOUSES!

BUT BACK TO THE QUEST at paw.  You happen to know....

Wait a minute.  Peepers, what's that tucked in the corner behind Saffron's hammock, next to the catnip mouse and spinnin' ball toy?  Could it be....

Could it be....

COULD THAT BE MY LONG LOST WHITE AND YELLOW BUMBLEBEE PRINT FABRIC BIFF BAG, I SEE?

OH FAVOURITE BIFF BAG OF MINE: COME TO PAPA, MY FRIEND.

I'm gonna slobber all over you and get nipped as a kite, and...

PEEPERS!  Just where do you think you're goin' with those other two biff bags?

Just 'cause I don't want 'em today doesn't mean I won't want 'em tomorrow, you know.

I KNOW I said they were covered in slobber.  Truth be told, this one I was lookin' for is covered in slobber, too.  Thing is, this one is covered in three-day-old slobber.  Those two are covered in two-day-old slobber.  There's a difference, you see.

We cats are finicky that way.

Finicky, fussy, and almost always hard to please.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

I'm back!

I'm back!

I'm BAAAH-AAAACK.

I said, I'M BACK!

And for the benefit of those at the back of the room who might not have already heard.

I AM BACK.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' the peeps, Saffy, and I; all went on vacation.  Went on vacation to some sunny place with not too much heat.  Went on vacation to get away from the hustle and bustle of nappin' and snoozin' and snackin', not to mention lookin' for decent-sized sunpuddles and things.

Well...

Well that would be wrong.

MOUSES!

Truth is, we weren't on vacation at all.

MOUSES!

So why did I miss two blog posts, you ask?

That's a very good question, my friends.  A very good question, indeed.  Suffice it to say, it was Peepers' fault.

Of course.

MOUSES!

Thing is, somethin' happened to the phone.  Line went dead.  Dead as a door nail, for sure.  And the phone peeps couldn't come out to fix whatever it was for a big ol' whole week.

MOUSES!

But luckily for me, I still had the Internet.  Now it was slow.  Slow as molasses, they say.  But although obviously affected by whatever was botherin' the phone, it was NOT dead.  Just slow.  Slow, slow, SLOW.

Think I might have mentioned that.  That it was slow.

MOUSES!

So if I had the Internet, WHY did I miss two blog posts, you again ask?

Very, VERY good question, indeed.

"I'm not sitting there at your desk for hours on end trying to publish your posts," she said.  "I'm not sitting there waiting and waiting and watching that little circle thing go around and around.  Believe it or not, Seville, I have better things to do."

"Well so do I!" I replied.  "I've got my afternoon nap scheduled for three.  And a snack after that.  WHICH IS WHY I need you to sit there and wait 'til the little circle thingy stops circlin' so you can publish my post, and..."

"Seville, I have OTHER things to do."

"AS. DO. I."

Did I not mention that nap?

MOUSES!

So this went back and forth for a bit but it was finally decided that until the Internet and phone were back up and runnin' properly, my postin' would have to wait.

Although to be perfectly honest...

To be perfectly honest, it wasn't actually a decision we both made.  It was more like a situation where Peepers got up and left the room without so much as an excuse me or a by your leave or anythin' like that.

The nerve.

MOUSES!

WHICH IS WHY my missin' two blog posts was, like I said...

ALL. PEEPERS'. FAULT.

'Cause what's an hour or five sittin' at the computer watchin' a little circle go 'round and 'round, bein' told the connection has timed out over and over again, to a peep?  What's that to a peep when said peep knows she's helpin' her favourite bloggin' kitty out?

It's not like I could have wasted my time like that.  I had IMPORTANT things to do.

You know, like my previously scheduled afternoon nap.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

you have mail

You have mail.

Oohhh...  an e-mail for me.  SWEET.

MOUSES!

Well at least I'm assumin' it's for me.  Looks like it's from some guy named Subrat Dey.  Only thing is, I don't know any guy goin' by the name of Subrat.  I once knew a guy with the name of Belowdog Night, but he turned out to be nothin' but a weasel.

MOUSES!

But all that aside, let's take a look at this letter.  "Dear Customer...."

Well that's a bit presumptuous, I should think.  Since I've never heard of Subrat Dey before, I'M PRETTY SURE I'm not a customer of his.   And if I were, you'd think he'd know my actual name and not use a generic label like "customer."  Is he assumin' I'll BE his customer after readin' his letter?  Is he assumin' his letter is that good?  I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE'S SELLIN'!

MOUSES!

But back to the letter at paw.

"Dear Customer, we are offering 2 hours of free Virtual Assistance Services like Data Entry, Email Marketing, blog writing..."

Blog writing.

WHAT THE MOUSES?

WHAT THE MOUSIE MOUSIN' MOUSED-UP MOUSES?

WHAT THE....

Awww....

MOUSES!

APPARENTLY, this guy doesn't know that I, Seville the Cat, WRITE ALL MY OWN STUFF.

You'd think if I actually were a customer of his, that's somethin' he would already know.

MOUSES!

Imagine the nerve of someone sendin' me, Seville the Cat - WORLD-WIDE BLOGGIN' KITTY EXTRAORDINAIRE - an email suggestin' some stupid VIRTUAL ASSISTANT TEAM is capable of writin' MY blogs for ME.

Like I said before: I WRITE ALL MY OWN STUFF.

MOUSES!

"If interested please respond to my email so that I can send you..."

Oh, I'll respond to your e-mail, all right.  I'll respond to it, lickety split!  I've got a mind to give you a piece of my mind, for sure.

Or on the other paw...

Maybe I'll just take a nap.  I could surely go for a nap 'round 'bout now.

Or maybe a snack!

OR I KNOW...  BOTH.

'Cause if I am gonna respond to this guy's e-mail, I need to be well-rested and have my tummy full.  'Cause let me tell you somethin', my friends: a tired, hungry kitty can get kinda cranky when dealin' with these kinda unsolicited solicitin' peeps.  And if I'm tired and hungry, I might end up goin' a little overboard when CATsplainin' the way of the world to this guy.  And it seems to me, I'm gonna have an awful lotta catsplainin' to do.

But I wouldn't wanna go so far as to make him cry, or anythin' like that.

I don't think.

'Cause that might be mean.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

got it!

By gosh and by golly, I got it.

I got it, YOO-HOO!

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Well...

Well let me ask you this then, Peepers.  Did you, or did you not, wanna be bitten by that skeeter?

Now take your time there, ol' peep of mine.  You're old and decrepit, and it's perfectly reasonable for things to take longer now in your old age, and...

YOU ARE TOO.  You're old and decrepit, for sure.

WELL YOU'RE A HECK OF A LOT OLDER THAN ME.

MOUSES!

Okay, so maybe you're not actually decrepit.  YET.  But give it time, Peepers.  Give it time.  One day you surely will be.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

You're back to asking 'bout that, huh?  You're back to askin' why I gave you that swat?  You're back to askin' why...

Wait a minute.  ARE YOU SAYIN' YOU WANTED THAT SKEETER TO BITE YOU?

Mouses woman, you must be insane.

'Cause no one - not cat nor peep - actually likes bein' bitten by skeeters.  Those mosquitoes are the peskiest things.  They go 'bout their lives, flitting 'round your face and buzzin' in your ears.  'Nough to drive a kitty mad, they are.  AND I WOULD THINK they're enough to drive a peep mad, too.

Unless she already is.

So yes, I, bein' the most thoughtful of kitties that I am, DID TAKE one good swat at that skeeter flittin' around and about; as it was clearly botherin' you, without a doubt!  That skeeter was askin' for trouble, he was.  He was ASKIN' to be swatted, for sure.  HE WAS ASKIN' for me to give him a swat and squish him under my paw, and...

Well yes, Peepers, my claws were out.  Whatever is your point?

Well yeah, sure, but...

But you know, it's not really my fault.  Your arm was right there right under that skeeter when that skeeter ended up under my paw.

Not to mention my claw.

Well let me ask you this, then, Peepers.  Are you, or are you not, positive it was one of my claws that drew blood?  I mean, it could have been the skeeter.  He might have already taken a bite.

They do that, you know, those skeeters.  That's just the kinda thing that they do.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

stupid peep

Stupid peep.

MOUSES!

HEY PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!

Are you deaf, woman?

PEEPERS!!!

Don't give me that look.  What did I say?

Well if you'd been payin' attention the FIRST time I called out your name, I wouldn't have had to have been yellin', now would I.

Not a question.  Statement of fact.

MOUSES!

What?

Oh yeah, I had somethin' to say.  And believe-you-me, that somethin' is super duper important, for sure.

So anyway...

So anyway Peepers, you went and hung that bird feeder up way, way, WAY too high.

You know the one.  The red one.  The one hangin' above the railin' on the veranda.

Why?  Why do I say it's too high?

Well...

Well Saffy Saffron Sassifras was watchin' some birdies flittin' about out there yesterday afternoon.  Why they were flittin' in this heat, I don't know, but that's birds for you, I guess.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, Saffron was watchin' them birdies and one of 'em flew right over to the feeder and sat on its edge.  And no sooner did he - or she, I didn't ask - land on the feeder, but Saffy was off like a flash.  Why Saffy was runnin' and jumpin' in this heat, I don't know, but that's a Saffy for you, I guess.

MOUSES!

But like I was sayin'...

Like I was sayin', Saffy jumped up onto the railin' with a mind to catchin' that birdie, but do you know what he found out?

Well DO you, Peepers?  DO you?  Do you know what my brother Saffy Saffron Sassifras found out?

Don't bother answerin', ol' peepsqueak of mine, for I shall be happy to give you the answer:  SAFFRON DISCOVERED THAT YOU, PEEPERS, HUNG THAT BIRD FEED UP WAY, WAY, WAY TOO HIGH.

No way, no how, can a kitty reach a birdie sittin' on a feeder hangin' up that high.

Not even when said kitty is up on the railin'.

Note to self: order another kitty-friendly stepladder on-line.  Last one mysteriously disappeared.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

he's so weird

He's so weird.

He is SO weird.

That brother of mine is so very incredibly weird.

MOUSES!

NO, I am NOT bein' hard on my brother.  I'm not bein' hard on him, at all.

Not my fault he's weird.

MOUSES!

Okay, so get this: That brother of mine, Saffy Saffron Sassifras, has decided that instead of walkin' down a staircase on all four paws like normal kitties do...  Like I do...  Well, instead of doin' that, Saffron has decided he would rather turn himself into a slinky.

Yes, that's what you heard.  You heard that correctly.  I present to you, my brother THE FELINE SLINKY.

MOUSES!

It's the weirdest thing, my friends.  The weirdest...

Okay, so maybe not the weirdest.  After all, you all know our peep.

Now SHE is pretty weird, to be sure.

MOUSES!

But weird peeps aside, I think you have to agree that a kitty who walks down a staircase by lowerin' his head to the step below, and then kinda slidin' down onto said step while at the same time doin' a somersault, mid-step...

Well...

Well that is pretty darned weird.  Pretty darned weird, for sure.

MOUSES!

But it doesn't end there, my friends.  Nope, it doesn't end there, at all.  After doin' that somersault slinky-type move a couple of times, Saffy then flips on his side and slides the rest of the way down.

Like I said, WEIRD.

I'm pretty sure - approximately one hundred and ninety-nine point three five two percent, I should think - he gets his weirdness from the peep.

Where else would he get it?  Who else is that weird?

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

not again

Not again.

NOT again.

Again?

Again.

MOUSES!

For mousin' out loud, the sayin' really is true.  It never rains but it pours, my friends.

Continuously.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that it wasn't all that long ago when I, Seville the Cat, was beggin' - BEGGIN! - for rain.  And you know what?  You're right.  That's exactly what I did.

But...

But I had good reason to be beggin' for rain, back then.  My fair province of Nova Scotia was on fire.  On fire, I say.  On fire!  There were out-of-control wildfires all over the place.  And although the firefighters were workin' like mad and doin' as best as anyone could, what we really and truly needed was rain.  Lots of it, too.  Yup, what we needed back then was lots and lots of rain.

MOUSES!

But...

But that was then and this is now and let me tell you somethin', my friends: I swear it hasn't stopped rainin' since it started a few weeks ago, and...

Okay, so it has stopped rainin' a bit.

Now and then.

For maybe a second or two.

But no sooner does it stop, then it starts rainin' again!

MOUSES!

And this is causin' me great grief, to be sure.  For starters, Peepers hasn't been goin' for her mornin' walks like she used to do, which has made her more than a little grumpy as of late.  But more importantly, I COUNT ON HER GOIN' FOR THOSE WALKS to get her out of my fur for an hour or two.

I swear she's been underpaw for weeks.

I believe her not wantin' to walk in the rain is on account of the well-documented phenomenon that occurs when peeps melt after gettin' wet.

Saw it on The Wizard of Oz so I know it absolutely must be true.

MOUSES!

Or...

Or maybe she's afraid of accidentally participatin' in a wet t-shirt contest!

Could be either one, I suppose.

MOUSES!

But meltin' peeps and wet t-shirts aside, facts are facts.  AND THE FACT IS, like I said, Peepers has been underpaw for weeks AND IT'S DRIVIN' ME CRAZY, for sure.

MOUSES!

And then there's the shortage of sunpuddles which is makin' me a tad grumpy, I'm afraid.  That's right, there isn't a sunpuddle in sight around here.  Nope, not a one.  Oh sure, there are puddles, all right.  There are puddles all over the place.  But they're puddles of the water kind and the sun kind are nowhere to be found.  And although I enjoy a good drink of puddle water as much as the next cat, now and then, what I really like doin' is to lie out in the sun.

And believe-you-me, you DON'T wanna accidentally mistake a water-filled puddle for a sunpuddle, my friends.

It's not a pretty sight.

Right, Saffy?

MOUSES!

So Mother Nature, if you're listenin', PLEASE STOP WITH RAIN!  Try to exercise a little moderation now and then, would ya?  There are plenty of places in Canada that are in dire need of the rain and I know I speak for all Nova Scotian kitties when I say, WE KITTIES WOULD BE HAPPY TO SHARE.

So please send a few of those rain clouds to Ontario and Quebec.  At least for a week, or two, okay?

Good gosh, at this point, I'd be happy for one day.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

let it go

Let it go, Peepers.  Let it go.

I said, Let. It. Go.

MOUSES!

Peepers, it's like this: stuff happens.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that I, Seville the Cat, have gone and done somethin' to annoy the peep.

Again.

Well...

Well to be perfectly honest, I probably have.  I mean, I do tend to go 'bout my daily routine without really caring 'bout whether or not that daily routine is annoyin'.  If it is, it is.  If it isn't, that's a bonus, I suppose.

At least for the peep it probably is.

MOUSES!

See the thing is, Peepers loves me.  She loves me to bits.  One might even say she adores me; what with my bein' so absolutely adorable and all.  So even if I do do somethin' annoyin' or naughty, who cares?  She's still gonna love me.  She's still gonna love me to bits!

MOUSES!

But this time...

This particular time, it was NOT I, Seville the Cat, who managed to annoy the peep.  And no, before you ask, it wasn't Saffron, either.  Nor was it Peep #2.

Actually...

Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure WHO it was that went and annoyed Peepers.  All I know is that it wasn't me nor Saffy nor Peep #2.  It wasn't anyone livin' here in my house.  But she definitely was annoyed about somethin'.  Must have be somethin' super duper annoyin', for sure. 

But you know...

You know, I'm not even sure about WHAT she was annoyed.  It's not like I asked her or anythin' like that 'cause if a cat asks his peep why she's upset, said cat is expected - EXPECTED! - to stick around and listen to the peep's answer.  And not just listen as in sit there and pretend to listen, but ACTUALLY LISTEN to whatever is said.

In other words, don't yawn in her face and fall fast asleep.

Learned that one the hard way, I did.

MOUSES!

So like I was sayin'...

So like I was sayin', the peep is annoyed.  Not sure who did what or why but then, it's not like I actually care.  As long as I'm not gettin' the blame for whatever was done, everything's good.

For me, anyway.

MOUSES!

But bein' the genuinely carin' and considerate cat that I am, I am willin' to offer the ol' peep a bit of advice.

LET IT GO, PEEPERS.  LET. IT. GO.

And that's the kind of advice I best like to give.  The general, one size fits all, all-purpose kind of advice that pretty much fits any kinda situation one might encounter.  That way, I don't have to pay any attention when she tells me all 'bout whatever was done.

My gosh, what an incredibly carin', considerate kitty I am.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

not my idea

Don't look at me, Peepers.  Don't look at me.  Wasn't my idea for me to have a brother.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  Yeah, I know he's a very nice brother and all.

Still wasn't my idea.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

You wanna know why I'm talkin' about Saffy Saffron Sassifras bein' my brother?  You wanna know know why I'm talkin' about Saffy at all, when all you asked me was who made this mess?

Well think about it, Peepers.  Give it a good think.  Sit down, close your eyes, and think.  Now, JUST WHY DO YOU THINK I'm bringin' up Saffy's name when all you asked me was who made all this mess?

You still thinkin' there, Peepers?

Oh good.  For a minute I thought you might have overtaxed your brain or somethin' and fallen asleep.

'Cause it wouldn't be first time, for sure.

MOUSES!

Okay, that's enough thinkin' for now.

Well it should be, that is.

MOUSES!

So now that you've thought about it, why DO you think I brought up Saffy's name when all you asked me was who made all this mess?

NOW you're talkin'.

Talkin'...  Thinkin'...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

Yes, it WAS Saffy Saffron Sassifras who made this mess in the family room.  Yup, it was all made by him.  I had absolutely nothin' to do with any of it, whatsoever.  Nothin' at all.

'Cept for possibly encouragin' him to continue makin' said mess by eggin' him on, of course, but that is neither here nor there nor...  Well...  Nor anywhere!

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  I know it's a lotta mess.  And yup, I know it's a lotta mess for just one cat to make.  But I wanna remind you, Peepers, it wasn't my idea for me to have a rambunctious, full-of-energy-right-from-the-tip-of-his-tail-to-the-tips-of-his-ears brother.  That, my dear peep, is all on you.

MOUSES!

But the good news is...

The good news is, SAFFY CAUGHT THAT STUPID OL' MOTH THAT WAS BUGGIN' HIM.

Buggin' him.  BUGGIN' him, get it?   It was a moth.  A bug.  And the bug was buggin' him.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

My gosh I crack myself up.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

he's makin' me look bad

'Cause you're makin' me look bad, that's why.  Saffy, you're makin' me look bad!

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, it's like that brother of mine TRIES to make me look bad.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, it turns out that Saffy Saffron Sassifras has taken a likin' to the sleepin' on beds.

With peeps.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

That's right, I caught the lad sleepin' on a bed the other night, curled right up next to Peepers' knees.  And he was purrin' up a storm, too.  Makin' Peepers get that warm and fuzzy feelin' peeps get when they hear a kitty purrin' and bein' happy and content and all that jazz.

Darn cat is out to make me look bad.  He...

What's that?   You're wonderin' how Saffy bein' all cute and cuddly and finally sleepin' on the bed next to Peepers, even though she's been tryin' to get him to cuddle-snuggle with her at night for the past year and a half to no avail...  So you're wonderin' how that makes me, Seville the Cat, look bad?

Well...

WELL 'CAUSE I, SEVILLE THE CAT, DON'T DO THAT, YOU SEE.

MOUSES!

That's right, I've never been a sleepin' with the peeps kinda cat.  Never ever.  Never ever in all my nine lives have I ever been a cat who likes sleepin' on beds.  NEVER.

Cuddlin' up next to 'em on the chesterfield durin' one of my favourite shows is one thing.  THAT, I like.  Who am I kiddin'?  I LOVE that kinda thing.  A kitty gets chin tickles and behind the ear scritches and tummy rubs for doin' that.

But sleepin' on beds?

With peeps?

Never.

MOUSES!

And for the last seventeen months or so since Saffron came to live inside with us, he felt the very same way.  Peepers would pick him up and plunk him down on the bed, but as soon as she let go, Saffron would be down and headin' out the door again.

Wise cat.

MOUSES!

But now...

Now, Saffron has decided that beds are comfortable and peeps are good things to lean up against.  And he has discovered that sometimes - SOMETIMES - while sleepin' on a bed, a kitty might even get an extra little tummy rub or somethin' like that.

And...

And he's tellin' the peep he likes it.

Yup, he's tellin' her he likes sleepin' with her by stayin' there and purrin' the whole night through.

MOUSES!

So now...

So now, on account of my not bein' willin' to sleep on a bed next to a peep, Saffron's willingness to do such foolish things is Makin'. ME. Look. Bad.

And it's totally unacceptable, for sure.

Gosh darn it, I'm probably gonna have to start sleepin' with a peep, too.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

diggin' dirt

I swear, Peep #1 is the dirtiest gardener around.

MOUSES!

What's that, Saffy?  Peepers is like the dirty ol' man over on the next street, you ask?

No...  *hee hee hee*  No, that dirty ol' man is a different kinda dirty, for sure.  PLUS, that dirty ol' man is a man.  Peepers isn't a man.  Peepers is a female peep, you see.

MOUSES!

But back to the dirt.

What's that, Saffy?  Peepers is diggin' the dirt like the writers for tabloids do, you ask?

Well...

Well, no.  Again, that's a different kinda dirty, for sure.  Peepers doesn't spout lies 'bout other peeps or cats or anyone else.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

But back to the dirt.  AGAIN.

SAFFY, QUIT ASKIN' STUPID QUESTIONS!

Yeah, well I saw your whiskers twitch.  You were gettin' ready to ask another silly question.  I could tell.

MOUSES!

Okay, THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM.

I hope.

Now back to the dirt.  My Peep #1 is the dirtiest gardener around...

SAFFY...  I'M WARNIN' YOU....

As I was sayin', Peepers is the dirtiest gardener around.  Never, ever, ever, IN ALL MY NINE LIVES, have I ever seen a peep come inside after workin' in the garden covered in as much dirt as my peep.  It's on her paws, her clothes, her face, and even in her hair!  And some of it, I am sure, must be ground right in, probably never to come out again.  I swear, she must lie down in the garden and roll around in the dirt, makin' sure she's covered in grime from top to bottom.  HOW ELSE could she end up so dirty?

What's that, Saffy?

Hmmm...

Well you do have a point there Saffy, my man.  I, too, like a good dust bath out in the sun.  Yes I, too, have been known to lie down in the dirt and start rollin' around, and...

BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING 'BOUT ME, ARE WE.  We're talking 'bout the peep.  Peepers.  And Peepers' apparent penchant for gettin' herself covered in dirt whilst out playin' in the garden and stuff.  And...

WHAT IS IT IN NOW, SAFFRON.  WHAT?

Yeah, yeah...  I like playin' in the garden, too.

*sighs*

I may like playin' in the garden BUT I DON'T get covered in dirt like Peepers does, you see.  And I have the decency to give myself a good shake after havin' a dirt bath, before comin' inside.  And when I do have a dirt bath, I roll 'round in the sand.  SAND.  Not mud or whatever Peepers was rolling 'round in 'cause it couldn't have been sand 'cause sand comes off with one of those aforementioned good shakes.

AND...

AND IF ANY DIRT DOES get a little ground in and not freely shake off, I give myself a good bath to get rid of the evidence that I...

Now I should clarify that when I say evidence, I really mean...  Uh...  Trace.

'CAUSE IT'S ONLY EVIDENCE IF YOU WERE BEIN' NAUGHTY WHILST ROLLING 'ROUND IN THE GARDEN RIGHT WHERE PEEPERS PLANTED ALL THOSE ITTY WITTY BABY PLANTS THAT MIGHT GET CRUSHED TO SMITHEREENS SHOULD A KITTY HAPPEN TO ACCIDENTALLY ROLL 'ROUND ON 'EM LIKE THAT.

And I definitely wasn't doin' that.

Must have been some other orange kitty, I think.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

worms

Worms.

"Worms?"

Worms.

"WORMS?"

That's what I said, Saffy.  The peep has worms.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that's an awfully confusin' conversation I had with my brother, Saffron.

Guess you had to be there.

MOUSES!

But confusin' or not, that IS what was said.  Yup, word for word, in fact.  I'm afraid our Peepers has worms.

Least that's what I heard.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, word on the street is that Peepers has worms.  And this has me worried, for sure.  As you know, Saffy and I get dabs on the back of the neck for stuff like that.

Now I should clarify that I say dab 'cause that's what it is - I suppose - although the tube thingy the stuff that gets dabbed on us is in, looks way bigger than what might hold just a little dab.  In fact, it's big enough to look kinda alarmin', for sure.

Probably why Peepers sneaks up on us from behind when she's doin' the dabbin'.

MOUSES!

But Saffy and me...

Well we're pretty small, you see.  Not small for kitties, or anythin' like that, but small compared to a peep.

And I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin' that if those dab-sized supposedly smallish kinda tubes are used for the dabbin' of kitties...

I'm thinkin' the tubes filled with the stuff to dab peeps...

WELL THOSE TUBES MUST BE ABSOLUTELY HUGE.

Like toothpaste tube kinda huge.

Or maybe...

Well you know those tubes they have at the hardware store filled with driveway filler?

THAT SIZE.  That's the size they must be.

MOUSES!

And just who, pray tell, is gonna sneak up on the peep to dab the back of her neck with somethin' like that?  It's not gonna be me, and that is for sure.  Why those driveway filler tubes might even be longer than me!

SAFFY, PUT YOUR PAW DOWN.  You're not gonna dab the back of the peep's neck, either, so don't you go volunteerin' yourself.

MOUSES!

But more to the point, if Peepers has worms - and like I said, EVERYONE is sayin' she does - what happens if she gives Saffy and me...

Perish the thought.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that your babblin' on about now?

Oh.

Okay, so apparently, everyone is NOT sayin' Peepers has worms.  By everyone I probably should have said me.

And accordin' to the peep - if you can believe her, that is - she doesn't have worms.  She has a bag of worm castings, you see.

For the garden.

Or so she says.

Although I'm still not entirely sure how one gets worm poopies without first havin' worms.

Silly peeps.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.