I'm back!

I'm back!

I'm BAAAH-AAAACK.

I said, I'M BACK!

And for the benefit of those at the back of the room who might not have already heard.

I AM BACK.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' the peeps, Saffy, and I; all went on vacation.  Went on vacation to some sunny place with not too much heat.  Went on vacation to get away from the hustle and bustle of nappin' and snoozin' and snackin', not to mention lookin' for decent-sized sunpuddles and things.

Well...

Well that would be wrong.

MOUSES!

Truth is, we weren't on vacation at all.

MOUSES!

So why did I miss two blog posts, you ask?

That's a very good question, my friends.  A very good question, indeed.  Suffice it to say, it was Peepers' fault.

Of course.

MOUSES!

Thing is, somethin' happened to the phone.  Line went dead.  Dead as a door nail, for sure.  And the phone peeps couldn't come out to fix whatever it was for a big ol' whole week.

MOUSES!

But luckily for me, I still had the Internet.  Now it was slow.  Slow as molasses, they say.  But although obviously affected by whatever was botherin' the phone, it was NOT dead.  Just slow.  Slow, slow, SLOW.

Think I might have mentioned that.  That it was slow.

MOUSES!

So if I had the Internet, WHY did I miss two blog posts, you again ask?

Very, VERY good question, indeed.

"I'm not sitting there at your desk for hours on end trying to publish your posts," she said.  "I'm not sitting there waiting and waiting and watching that little circle thing go around and around.  Believe it or not, Seville, I have better things to do."

"Well so do I!" I replied.  "I've got my afternoon nap scheduled for three.  And a snack after that.  WHICH IS WHY I need you to sit there and wait 'til the little circle thingy stops circlin' so you can publish my post, and..."

"Seville, I have OTHER things to do."

"AS. DO. I."

Did I not mention that nap?

MOUSES!

So this went back and forth for a bit but it was finally decided that until the Internet and phone were back up and runnin' properly, my postin' would have to wait.

Although to be perfectly honest...

To be perfectly honest, it wasn't actually a decision we both made.  It was more like a situation where Peepers got up and left the room without so much as an excuse me or a by your leave or anythin' like that.

The nerve.

MOUSES!

WHICH IS WHY my missin' two blog posts was, like I said...

ALL. PEEPERS'. FAULT.

'Cause what's an hour or five sittin' at the computer watchin' a little circle go 'round and 'round, bein' told the connection has timed out over and over again, to a peep?  What's that to a peep when said peep knows she's helpin' her favourite bloggin' kitty out?

It's not like I could have wasted my time like that.  I had IMPORTANT things to do.

You know, like my previously scheduled afternoon nap.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

holiday weekend

Yoo-hoo!  YOO-HOO!  It's a holiday weekend, my friends.  A HOLIDAY WEEKEND!  There will be no workin' for this cat this weekend, for sure.  'CAUSE IT'S A HOLIDAY, MY FRIENDS.  A HOLIDAY!

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh.

Yeah.

That.

Hmmm...

Well it's still a holiday weekend, whether or not it's a special day off for me.

What's that?

Oh.

That.

Hmmm...

Well just 'cause I don't have an actual job...

Just 'cause I don't work...

It doesn't mean that...

Okay, so it sorta DOES mean that I don't have to...

Okay, so fine.  I'm a cat.  And as a cat, I don't have a job.  And I don't do what one might call...  Well...  Work.  So yeah, if you're gonna put it like that, I guess this isn't a special long weekend for me on account of EVERY weekend bein' a long weekend, you see.

I suppose.

MOUSES!

But...

Well...

Well I still think that as this is Victoria Day Weekend and it IS a holiday weekend for most, I should also get to celebrate in some way.  Even if I don't have an extra day off...

I should still...

I should still...

I should STILL find a way to celebrate the day.

AND THE BEST WAY I KNOW to celebrate is to imbibe in the nip.

So...

SO BRING ON THE NIP, is what I say.  BRING ON THE NIP! 

But not for you, ol' peep of mine.  Nip is for cats and you're just a peep.  So just bring on the nip for Saffy and me.

Okay?

Okay.

MOUSES!

Well I'm glad that's all settled.  Peepers, you can find yourself some other way to celebrate, I should think.  Why not take a day off and have a nice long holiday weekend?

After you tend to all my needs, of course.  My very important holiday weekend needs.  After all, it wouldn't be right for me not to enjoy MY holiday weekend on account of your slackin' in the lookin'-after-kitties department, you see.

After all, apparently I'M not gettin' an extra day off.

MOUSES!

But all that aside...

HAPPY HOLIDAY WEEKEND, MY FRIENDS!  HAPPY HOLIDAY WEEKEND!  Happy Victoria Day to you all.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

of all the...

Of all the...

MOUSES!

Of all the mousin', moused-up, stupid things...

MOUSES!

Peepers, just what the mouses do you think you are doin'?

Did I hear correctly?  Are you seriously puttin' perfume on us cats?  Perfume?  PERFUME?  Are you seriously puttin' perfume on Saffy and me?

'Cause if you are...

'Cause if you are tryin' to put perfume on Saffy and me, I want you to know in no uncertain terms that as cats, WE DO NOT WEAR STINKY OL' PERFUME.  Stinky ol' perfume is reserved for stinky ol' peeps, who probably need to wear it in order to cover up their general...

Well, you know...

Stink.

Yes Peepers, I am well aware you wear perfume all the time.

I rest my case.

MOUSES!

But let me remind you: as a cat, I DO NOT WEAR STINKY PERFUME.

Okay, so there was that one time.  But in my defence, I was pretty nipped up when it happened.  AND HOW WAS I TO KNOW those clothes I was nappin' on had the remnants of perfumery stink?

Took me ages to wash off that rose-smellin' smell.

MOUSES!

But back to the topic at paw.  Saffron has told me you caught him and held him and applied stinky perfume to the back of his neck.  AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', ol' peep of mine: Saffy was none-to-pleased 'bout the experience, to be sure.

Plus...  Now...  He stinks.

Or so I've been told.

MOUSES!

You were what?

Oh.

Well that's not too bad, I suppose.  I had noticed Saffy was scratchin' and stuff and yeah, I DID FIGURE it could be on account of his encounterin' fleas.  Or ticks.  Or ticks with fleas.

Do ticks even get fleas?

No matter.  Yeah, I had noticed all that.  So I guess one might say it's a good thing you dabbed him with the flea stuff on the back of his neck.  After all, if Saffy were to get fleas, he might give 'em to me and I don't want anyone givin' me fleas.

Not even my brother.

MOUSES!

Peepers, why are you lookin' at me like that?

Peepers, why is there a gleam in your eyes?

PEEPERS, WHAT ARE YOU...

WHY ARE YOU...

Gosh darn it, now I've been dabbed on the back of the neck.

Now I'M gonna stink, too!

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

no way, no how...

"No way, no how, is this here plant gonna fit in that there pot.  MOUSES!"

I remember that joke my late, great brother Nissy made when he wrote it; and boy-oh-boy was it ever a super duper good joke, to be sure.

Nissy always wrote the best jokes.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, I do believe Nissy wrote that joke 'round about Peepers' Day, way back when.  Peepers' Day; the day we cats celebrate our motherin'-type peeps.

Yeah, yeah... Some call it Mother's Day.  So sue me.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, today is the day Saffy and I are celebratin' Peepers although truth be told, I'm not entirely sure why.  I mean, when you think about it...  When you really, REALLY think about it, Peepers kinda has it made 'round about here.  It's like EVERY day is Peepers' Day, to be sure.  

What we need is a Kitty's Day, or somethin' like that.  Unfortunately, the last time havin' a Kitty's Day was suggested, Peepers laughed 'til she was blue in the face.  In fact, she laughed so hard...

She laughed so hard I, Seville the Cat, thought I was gonna have to give her mouth to mouth or somethin' like that - which WOULD BE GROSS - but thankfully, Saffron came to my rescue and gave the peep a good slap, and that smartened her right up.

Slap...  Bitey...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

And there went my dreams of havin' a Kitty's Day to celebrate every year.

MOUSES!

So since it's just Peepers' Day and not Kitty's Day, I guess Saffy and I are expected to do somethin' special for the peep.  

Or so I've been told.

But figurin' out what that somethin' special should be is kinda hard 'cause like I said before, PEEPERS APPEARS TO ALREADY HAVE IT MADE 'round about here.  For mousin' out loud, SHE HAS THE PLEASURE OF LIVIN' WITH SAFFRON AND ME!

What on earth could be more special than that?

MOUSES!

But Saffy, bein' the suck up kinda kitty he is, decided to start early and sleep up on the bed by Peepers' tootsies the night before last which is somethin' Saffy never, ever has done before.  And he slept by her tootsies without even pouncin' on 'em or clawing 'em or biting 'em or anything like that which must have been really hard for Saffy on account of pouncin', catchin', clawin', and bitin' the peep's toes is one of his favourite pastimes, to be sure.

Guess he was too busy sleepin' to do any of that.

MOUSES!

And as for me...

Well as for me, since I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of goin' anywhere near Peepers' toes, and I don't have any other kinda gift at the ready...

And since it's already Peepers' Day, and all...

Well...

Well I guess I've decided to give her a gift certificate or somethin' similar.

BUT NOT A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR MY SLEEPIN' ON THE BED OR ANYTHIN' LIKE THAT!

'Cause I'm not that kinda kitty, you see.

But perhaps I could stretch to give her a certificate entitling Peepers one hour of givin' me chin tickles or behind the ear scritches or even belly rubs.  One whole hour of havin' me all to herself.

Now THAT sounds like THE PURRFECT PEEPERS' DAY GIFT, to be sure.  One kitties all 'round the world can give to their peeps.

And one with no stinky peep toes at the foot of the bed to be found.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

peter piper

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peepers.

Scratch that.  There's no such thing as a pickled peep.

Unless, of course, said peep were to be high on the nip.

MOUSES!

Nope, I think it was peppers.  Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled PEPPERS.

Yup, that sounds way better, for sure.

MOUSES!

On the other paw...

On the other paw, what's a cat like me gonna do with a peck of pickled peppers?  A peep, pickled or not, is of far more use than peppers.  After all, peeps have opposeable thumbs whereas peppers don't have any thumbs, at all.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, I don't know who this Peter guy is and I don't particularly care why he was pickin' some peppers.  In fact, like I implied earlier, I don't care 'bout peppers at all.  I don't even care 'bout the pots of peppers Peepers has growin'.  I mean, they're peepers!  What the mouses is a cat gonna do with peppers?  They're...  They're...  They're...  THEY'RE PEPPERS!

MOUSES!

But do you know what I do care about, my friends?  Do you know what I really, really care about a lot?

NIP.

Yup, I care very much about the nip.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of catnip...

And speakin' of catnip, I was out and about the other day, inspectin' my pots of the nip.  Checkin' in on 'em.  Makin' sure they were healthy.  Lookin' for signs of distress.  You know, that sorta thing.

And while I was checkin' on my pots of catnip, what did I find?

Well...

Well I found a certain butt-sized indentation right in the midst of one of my pots of the nip.

MOUSES!

My first thought was, of course, WHAT THE MOUSES WAS PEEPERS THINKIN', SITTIN' IN THE MIDST OF MY VERY PRECIOUS POTS OF THE NIP?  WHAT WAS SHE THINKIN'?  WAS SHE THINKIN' AT ALL?

But then I took a closer look at that indentation and thought to myself, no, that can't be right.  Peepers' butt is way bigger than that.

MOUSES!

And THEN I thought....

Well that's 'bout the time I thought I might wanna go get nipped on account of my bein' so stressed out by the fact that SOMEONE had gone and sat right in the midst of my potted catnip plants and left a big ol' stupid indentation where they had sat.

So long story short...

Kinda.

So long story short, after I got nipped, I got the munchies and had to go find myself a snack.  And as snacks required on account of nip-induced munchies will do, said snack made me sleepy so I had to have a nap.

And after wakin' up from my nap...

After wakin' up from my nap, I went to investigate the strange indentation in my catnip plants, once more.

And that's when I saw...

That's when I saw one of my neighbourhood kitty pals sittin' right in the middle of my best potted catnip plant, munchin' away on my catnip, gettin' high as a kite on the nip.

So I immediately raced indoors 'cause I figured I had best go hide all the snacks.  'Cause after eatin' as much nip as he looked like he had eaten, I was bettin' he was gonna have a bad case of the munchies, for sure.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

misplaced aggression

Hey Saffy, what's up?  You're lookin' a little olive 'round the gills.

It's an expression, my man.  It's just an expression.  I'm not sayin' your charcoal grey furs have suddenly turned green.  Just means you look like you're feelin' unwell.

Well yes, the expression usually is green around the gills, but I'm tryin' to expand my vocabulary, you see.

MOUSES!

So anyway...  What's up?

Uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  Interestin'.  Hmmm...

So you definitely heard her usin' the term misplaced aggression, huh?  You're sure that was the term?

THEN WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO?

MOUSES!

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  Again, interestin'.  Very interestin', indeed.  Hmmm....

And you're sure you did nothin' at all.  You're sure you didn't lash out at her or anythin' like that?  You're sure you weren't upset with someone else and decided to take it out on the peep?  You're absolutely positively really and truly sure?

You are sure, you say.  Well not to worry, Saffy, my man.  I know the peep and I know her very well.  Peepers never holds cases of misplaced aggression against us cats.  Never!

Believe me, I know.

MOUSES!

SHE SAID WHAT?

ARE YOU SURE?

You're sure you heard Peepers say that if it happened again, she would put a stop to it, herself?

YOU'RE REALLY SURE?

And uh...  Ummm...  Well exactly how was she gonna put a stop to this case of misplaced aggression of yours?  I mean, you've already been neutered.  There's not much else she can do.

MOUSES!

SHE SAID WHAT?

Oh.

Wait a minute, ol' brother of mine.  Methinks you've got your tail in a twist, all for nothin'.  I don't think Peepers was talking 'bout you, at all.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS, Saffy, my man.  Peepers can't unfriend you or block you or anythin' like that in an attempt to put a stop to any outlandish and outrageous comments you make, on account of your not bein' on Facebook or Twitter to say stupid stuff in the first place.

I, other the paw, have to be super careful, for sure.  What with my blog and my fan page on Facebook, and all; not to mention my account over on Twitter.  Yup, I have to be super careful of what I say all the time, which is why...

Which is why I NEVER post stuff when I'm nipped.

MOUSES!

I once knew this cat who used to get nipped all the time before takin' to the keys, postin' all kinds of naughty stuff.  It was not a pretty sight, to be sure.

What did he say, you ask?  What did he SAY?

I have no idea, to tell you the truth.  What I meant was, it wasn't a pretty sight to see.  He once posted this picture of himself all nipped up like no cat has ever been nippered before.  His tongue was hangin' out and lollin' about; and there was drool drippin' down from his dewlaps.

Dewlaps.  You know, means jowls.  Like I said, I'm tryin' to expand my vocabulary, you see.

MOUSES!

But my point is, Saffron, that cat lay there lookin' just like a dog.

Not a pretty sight, at all.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

what the mouses?

What the mouses were you thinkin', woman?

WHAT THE MOUSES?

Of all the stupendously stupid, moused-up mousin' things to do...

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', Peepers has gone and done somethin' really stupid.  AGAIN.

And do you know what, my friends?

You would be right.

AGAIN.

MOUSES!

Okay, so here's the deal: Peepers went to the store today and came home with a trunk load of poopies.  That's right, poopies.  Poopies!  A whole whompin' trunk load of poopies.

MOUSES!

Bags and bags of the stuff.

MOUSES!

Meanwhile, here I am, diligently doin' my duty by fillin' the litter box a couple times a day, and Peepers goes out and BUYS poopies.  That's right, she PAID for those poopies she bought.

As if I don't leave enough in the litter box, already.

MOUSES!

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TREATS COULD HAVE BEEN BOUGHT WITH THE MONEY SHE USED TO BUY THOSE POOPS?

MOUSES!

Or for that matter...  I mean, if I wasn't leavin' enough deposits in the ol' litter box, myself...  Well...  Well she could have started up a collection or somethin' at the end of the driveway.  That's right, peeps are always passin' by, carryin' their little poop bags filled with poopies when walkin' their doggies.  She COULD have put a box down there and...

Scratch that.  There's no need soil a good box by fillin' it with poopies.

There's no need to do anythin' so crazy and rash, not to mention wasteful.

MOUSES!

But she COULD have put a big sign up down at the end of the driveway sayin' ATTENTION ALL DOG WALKERS: LEAVE BAGGED POOPIES HERE with a little arrow or somethin' directin' where the poop bags should be left.  I'm sure lots of doggy peeps would be willin' to leave their bags of poopies at the end of our driveway instead of carrying 'em around with 'em while finishin' their walk.

It's not like some of 'em don't leave the bags of poop behind, anyway.

MOUSES!

But oh no...  OH NO...  OH NO, NOT MY PEEP.  What does MY peep go and do?  My peep, bein' very peepishly peep-like, goes out and PAYS GOOD MONEY - that could and should have been spent on treats for me - on bags and bags of poop.  Poop!  A big ol' honkin' trunk load of poop.

MOUSES!

HEY PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!  Listen up, you hear?  Next time you feel the need to go get yourself a whole load of manure - aka poopies - for the garden, before you go out and waste any more money on poop, you come talk to me.  YOU HEAR?

By gosh and by golly, I'll even deliver those poopies for free.  That's right, I can bypass the ol' litter box and deposit my deposits straight into the garden for you.  I can even dig 'em in!  Save you all that wasted effort WHICH WOULD BE MUCH BETTER SPENT by goin' to the store and gettin' some really nice treats for yours truly.

And maybe a bag or two for Saffy, as well.

Provided he helps with the poopin', of course.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

a favourite toy

Hey Peepers!

Hey Peepers!

HEY!  PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!!!  I said, PEEPERS!!!

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

MOUSES!

So Peepers, you happen to know where that ol' nip mouse of mine is?  You know the one.  My absolute FAVOURITE nip mouse of all time?  Best nip mouse I've ever had?  Very, very, VERY BEST nip mouse, ever, for sure?

Yeah, the one with the torn seam where the nip keeps fallin' out.  It's green.  I think.  Well it was.  Probably.  It's kinda discoloured on account of my havin' slobbered all over it so many times, sometimes slobberin' right after eating and stuff.

Well you don't have to screw your face up like that, but yeah...

Yeah, that's definitely the one.

The one where the very thought of it makes your face go all weird like that, I mean.

MOUSES!

I KNOW THE NIP MOUSE LOOKS YUCKY BUT IT'S MY NIP MOUSE.  My favourite nip mouse of all time.  The kinda nip mouse a kitty like me just can't live without.

MOUSES!

So anyway...  

So anyway, you happen to know where it might be?  I've pretty much looked everywhere.  Under the beds, under the chesterfield, and even between the chesterfield cushions.  Can't find it anywhere, at all.  

And I did ask Saffy if he happened to know where it is but he's not talkin'.  Not sure if he's ignorin' my questions on account of his feelin' guilty for havin' done somethin' to my nip mouse, or...

Or if he's just sleepin' super soundly.

MOUSES!

But like I was sayin', Peepers...  YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE MY NIP MOUSE MIGHT BE?

Again with the screwed up face.

MOUSES!

It is not all fouled up and stinky and gross.

It's loved.

And cherished!

And MINE.

MOUSES!

And to tell you the truth, Peepers, if I can't find that nip mouse....

If I can't find my very, very, VERY FAVOURITE nip mouse of all time....

Well I just don't know WHAT I'll do.

It's where?

IT'S WHERE?

It's...

WHAT???

YOU THREW IT IN THE TRASH?

Like it was some kinda garbage or somethin' like that?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Peepers, without my favourite nip mouse...

WHAT WILL I DO?

I know what I'll do.  I know what I'll do, for sure.  I'm gonna go fish that ol' nip mouse right outta the trash and give it a good slobbery wash up and...

Scratch that.  Turns out the nip mouse is in the trash next to an old pair of Peepers' gardening shoes.

DISGUSTING, for sure.

No way, now how, am I gonna cuddle up with a nip mouse that has spent time with those shoes.

Good thing I have a whole whack of other nip mice to cuddle.  One of 'em will have to be named my very, very, VERY FAVOURITE nip mouse of all time.

Call me fickle, why don't ya.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

look at me!

"Look at me!  LOOK AT ME!"

"LOOK AT ME!"

We're all lookin', Saffy.  Peepers, Peep #2, me...  We're ALL lookin'.  We're lookin' at you.  So now, do you think you could stop with the yellin'?

'Cause it's givin' me a headache, for sure.

MOUSES!

"LOOK AT ME!!!"

Yeah, yeah, you've gone and climbed a tree.  Big deal.  I've climbed a tree or two in my nine lives, as well.  We're cats.  We climb trees.  It's kinda what we do.

And just wait 'til you wanna come down.

MOUSES!

"WHAT'S THAT, SIVVERS?  I'M TOO FAR AWAY TO HEAR YOU.  I'M TOO FAR AWAY BECAUSE I'M SO VERY FAR UP IN THIS TREE."

I see that, Saffy, my man.  You're all the way up that big ol' maple tree in the backyard.  Well up as far as kitties can climb, that is.  Squirrels'll climb higher on account of their bein' able to climb the itty bitty teeny tiny branches; but we cats can only climb as high as the stronger ones.

Branches, that is.

MOUSES!

"LOOK AT ME!!!"

WE'RE ALL LOOKIN'.  I already told you that.  We were lookin' when you were yellin' at the foot of the tree before you climbed the darn thing, and we're all lookin' now that you've gone and done so.  We're all lookin' at you!

And now, if you would be so kind as to come back down to the ground before Peepers goes into cardiac arrest with worry, that would be great.

'Cause she's our number one can opener, you see.

MOUSES!

"LOOK AT ME!!!"

I already told you we're lookin', Saffy.  We've seen all there is to see.  Now get down here this instant.  Get down here right now!

*impatiently taps paw on the ground*

GET DOWN HERE, SAFFY.  NOW!

"Look at..."

"Uh..."

"Um, Seville?"

Yes, Saffron...

"How do I uh..."

Close your eyes, come down tail first, and hold on for dear life with your front claws.

Told you it would be harder comin' down.

MOUSES!

"LOOK AT ME!!!!!  I'm back down on the ground."

'Bout time, too, Saffy.  Peepers was 'bout ready to faint.  I was worried I'd have to resuscitate her, or somethin' like that.

And the very thought was grossin' me out.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

but one job

You had but one job, Saffy.  ONE job.

And you totally messed it up, for sure.

MOUSES!

Oh don't go complainin' to me 'bout havin' too much work to do 'round here.  You only have ONE job.  One as in one.  Not two.  Not three.  Just the one.

MOUSES!

Saffron, you're up at dawn every mornin'.  LITERALLY.  You're literally awake and up at dawn.

And I'm pretty sure you're sometimes up before then, too, but at least you have the decency to wait 'til the sun is up before startin' to make a lotta noise.  SOMETIMES.  Other times, you're up and about makin' enough noise to wake up the dead.

Or Peepers.

Or worse, ME.

MOUSES!

But my point is, Saffron, you're up with the sun most mornings, and with the sun risin' so early these days, you're up before Peepers.  Up before Peepers wants to be up, too.  Up before that darned alarm clock of hers starts ringin' and ringin' and ringin'.  AND RINGIN'.

Did I mention it rings?

MOUSES!

And that, Saffy Saffron Sassifras, brings me to the point of this here little talk we're havin' right now.  It brings me to the point.  The point which would be about...

That's right Saffy, my man...

Your job.

THE ONE AND ONLY JOB THAT YOU HAVE.

Your job which is to wait until Peepers' alarm clock goes off and then get right in there and start meowin' up a storm 'til she gets up and outta bed.

Allowin' us kitties to have brekkies at a reasonable hour.

So that we don't get too hungry, you see.

MOUSES!

But what did you do this mornin', ol' brother of mine?

Well I'll tell you what you DIDN'T do.  You didn't make sure Peepers got up after her alarm clock went off its dinger.  Instead, you allowed her to knock it off its block, roll over, and go back to sleep.

And as a result...

As a result, I, Seville the Cat, didn't get my brekkies 'til sometime past eight.  Way past eight, as a matter of fact.  Way, way, WAY past eight, to be sure.

Think it was 'bout ten minutes past, in fact.  Maybe even eleven.

I'm tellin' ya, I nearly starved.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

what have you done?

Good grief, Peepers, what have you done?  What have you done?

I said, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

MOUSES!

You've done some pretty stupid stuff in your life, Peepers, and I've witnessed it all.  But this time...  Well this time takes the cake, to be sure.  Are you aware we now have the stinkiest garden in the whole, entire neighbourhood?   Are you aware?

I said, ARE YOU AWARE?

MOUSES!

Well let me tell you somethin', ol' peep of mine.  I went outside yesterday mornin' only to find a bevy of deer havin' a meetin', and they were none too pleased, to be sure.

Bevy?  What in tarnation is a bevy, you ask?

I think it's a bunch.

MOUSES!

But anyway, as I was sayin', this bevy of deer were mighty upset and at first I wasn't sure why.  Oh sure, I knew it was about you.  I knew YOU were the one who had upset 'em.  I mean, who else would do somethin' like that.  But I didn't know exactly WHAT you had done to upset 'em so much.

This time.

MOUSES!

But then I detected a faint whiff of somethin' in the air.  Somethin' stinky, to be exact.  IN FACT, somethin' so stinky I almost ran inside to get a clothespin to cover my nose.  AND I WOULD HAVE done exactly that until I thought better of it, 'cause you know...

It's mighty hard to breath with a clothespin stuck on your nose.

MOUSES!

So I sat there for a mo, ponderin' what to do next.  Should I investigate this assault on my nose?  Or should I just ask that bunch or bevy of deer why they were so darned upset.

That was 'bout when one of the deer stuck a petition in my face.  They wanted me to sign, you see, and figured I would on account of my facial expression as I held my breath and was about to collapse from lack of breathable air.

PEE-EW.

MOUSES!

And that's when I saw it.

Or smelled it.

Whatever.

APPARENTLY, ol' peep of mine, those bars of soap you cut up and scattered all over, have not gone unnoticed.  Not gone unnoticed by the deer.  And just how many of 'em did you use, anyway?  From the stink of it, I'd say at least a couple dozen.

MOUSES!

And why did you do somethin' so stupid?  WHY?  Are you insinuatin' the deer need to bathe?

'Cause that's what they're thinkin', Peepers, and like I said earlier: they're really not pleased.

Although to tell you the truth, there were a couple who could do with a good bath, to be sure.  I didn't say anythin', however, on account of my not wantin' to insult 'em any more than YOU had insulted 'em, already.

Plus, those long legs of theirs look like they might be mighty good at kickin'.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of bein' insultin'...

Speakin' of bein' insultin', the deer are upset not only 'bout the bathin' thing, but also 'bout your havin' stunk up their mornin' meal.

You know, the tulips.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Stinkin' up the bed of tulips was what you were tryin' to do?

Hmmm....

Nope, I think you're gonna have to elaborate a little, ol' peep of mine.  Why would you WANT to stink up their food?

'Cause the tulips were never meant to be food.

Hmmm....

Well to tell you the truth, I think that ship already sailed.

SO WOULD YOU PLEASE GO OUT THERE AND GATHER UP ALL YOUR BITS OF STINKY SOAP SO I WON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO RESORT TO STICKIN' A CLOTHESPIN ON MY NOSE.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

whistle while you work

If you can.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!

HEY PEEPERS!

HEY!  PEEPERS!  The kettle is boilin'.

And its uncontrolled boilin' is drivin' me crazy.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

I AM NOT already crazy.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, the peeps have a problem; and their problem has turned into mine.  Yup, their problem is that the kitchen kettle that's supposed to whistle when the water is ready, no longer whistles.  It's a case of a whistlin' kettle not whistlin' while it works 'cause its whistle ain't workin', for sure.

MOUSES!

The problem arose a few days ago.  Peepers wanted to make tea but when she went to pour the water into the teapot, a piece of kettle fell off.  Yup, a piece fell right off the kettle!

Then magically rolled under the fridge.

All on its own.

Okay, so it had a little help rollin' under the fridge and to tell you the truth, it didn't so much roll - although it was round in parts - as it was pushed.

Pushed...  Batted...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

But the point, I do believe, is that the piece of the kettle that now resides under the refrigerator was, in fact, the kettle's whistle.

So really...

So really, it's a case of a whistlin' kettle not whistlin' while it works 'cause the whistle ain't there, for sure.

Or somethin' like that.

MOUSES!

And for the record, Peepers can't whistle, either.  She never could.  Never learned.  But that is neither here nor there as she isn't a kettle.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

But now I, Seville the Cat, HAVE AN ENORMOUS PROBLEM on my wee little paws.  Whereas I used to find the sound of that whistlin' kettle extremely annoyin', the cloud of hot steamy water bein' pumped into the air that I breathe with the possibility of smoke followin' said steam if the kettle should happen to boil dry on account of Peepers not knowin' the kettle is boiling 'cause it's no longer whistlin', is worse.  Way, way, WAY worse, to be sure.

So I, Seville the Cat, have offered to buy Peepers a new kettle.

Okay, so really I, Seville the Cat, have offered to take Peepers to the store so that she can buy a new kettle.

Okay, so REALLY I, Seville the Cat, have told Peepers to get off her stupid ol' lazy tail and go buy herself a kettle.

Before she ends up burnin' my house down to the ground.

Or somethin' like that.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

play hard to get

Good grief, GET A ROOM, you two.  Get a room!

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  I know you love Peepers, Saffron.  I know you're always snugglin' up to her and purrin' and givin' her head bonks and stuff.  AND I KNOW she loves you, too.  I know she's always kissin' the top of your head and rubbin' your tummy and givin' you chin tickles.  I know!

But she loves me, too, Saffy, my man.  I'm her handsome marmalade mancat, you see, AND I HAVE BEEN for many a year.  Peepers loves me, too.  I just don't make such a spectacle of myself showin' her how much I love her all the time, like you.

Okay, so maybe I do.

MOUSES!

But a word to the wise, Saffy Saffron Sassifras: With peeps, it is to your advantage to play hard to get.  Ever hear about that?

You have?

Then how come you behave like you do?

MOUSES!

I'm gonna tell you this just the once, Saffron: A kitty who plays hard to get gets EXTRA cuddles and chin tickles and things.

Okay, I can do without the cuddles so maybe extra cuddles might be a bad thing, but...

But one can never get too many scritches to the chin.

Fact.

MOUSES!

Saffy, next time Peepers is givin' you chin tickles and behind the ear scritches, don't start purrin' too soon.  'Cause once you start to purr, peeps have a tendency to stop with the scritches.  It's like your purrin' is their goal and once that goal has been reached, they think they can stop with the scritches.

Peeps are like that, you see.

Fact.

MOUSES!

So if you want lots and lots of scritches, it's best to hold out on the purrs.  Hold out on 'em for as long as you can.  I know that can be hard to do, but the more you hold out, the more scritches you will get, to be sure.

Fact.

MOUSES!

But as for the cuddles...

As for the cuddles, once Peepers starts pickin' you up and givin' you cuddles and slobberin' all over the top of your head with kisses...

RUN!

Run like the dickens, my friend, lest you get peep cooties from her, or somethin' like that.

Somethin' like fleas.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!