give me a cup of tea, please

I'll have one, too, Peepers.

I said, I'll have one, too.

Oh for mousin' out loud.  Just give me a cup of tea, already.

Wait!

If you would be so kind, please make mine with extra milk.  Actually, cream would be better.  And why don't you skip the hot water.  You can skip the teabag, too.  And in case you were wonderin', I really don't need that ol' cup.  Just pour some cream in my saucer.

Please.

MOUSES!

Well now that that's taken care of, you can be off.  Off to do whatever you peeps like to do, nowadays.  I, myself, have important things on the agenda.  Important things I'd like to do without havin' you hoverin' over my shoulder.

Important things like writin' my blog.

MOUSES!

Good, she's gone.  Gone off to do whatever peeps do.

So the other day, my friends, I caught Peepers readin' a few of my blog posts.  She was readin' some really good ones, too.  Some of my best!  Some of the funniest blog posts I ever did write.

Thing is though, she wasn't laughin'.

And I really don't know why.

MOUSES!

Now I SAY I don't know why - why she wasn't laughin', I mean - but really, I do.  At least I think I do.  I THINK I might know why the peep didn't find those blog posts the least bit funny.

The thing is...

The thing is...

The thing is, some peeps find it hard to laugh at themselves.  

Fact.

MOUSES!

It's true!  Peeps get all uppity when a cat publicly makes fun of 'em, and let's face it, my friends: my whole blog is all about makin' fun of my peeps.

But you know what I say?

I say, if you don't want me to write about and make fun of all the stupid things you do, don't do all those stupid things in the first place.

MOUSES!

But for some strange reason, Peepers doesn't agree.

OH SURE, she has no issues with makin' fun of the stupid things I do.

Well, she would have no issues makin' fun of the stupid things I do IF I did stupid things.

Which I don't.

So there.

MOUSES!

Besides, EVERYONE KNOWS one should never make fun of or laugh at a cat.  If there's one thing we cats hate, it's bein' laughed at.  There are a few other things, too, but bein' laughed at is right at the top of the list.  Nothin' worse a peep can do than laugh at a cat.  We cats are dignified creatures, you see, and as such, we absolutely HATE bein' laughed at.

Fact.

MOUSES!

Why just the other day...

Just the other day, I was gettin' some chin scritches and stuff - and thoroughly enjoyin' the attention - when I happened to forget just how close I was to the edge of the bed, and...

Well...

Well long story short, I almost fell off.

And I caught that peep of mine.  I caught that smirk formin' on her face.  I was SURE she was about to let out a loud laugh.

So I grabbed onto her leg with my two front paws - not to mention those paws' claws - and held on tight.  That's right, I sunk my claws into her leg and pulled myself back up onto the bed, and...

Well to make ANOTHER long story short, her laugh turned into a bit of a scream.

Well more like cry, really.

Yeah, the ol' cry of pain one hears when claws sink into a leg.

That'll teach her to laugh at a cat.

MOUSES!

But remember, the reverse situation where I, Seville the Cat, make fun of a peep is perfectly fine.  Perfectly acceptable, for sure.  In all honesty, it's really..

Well actually...

Well it's just the way things are supposed to be done!

Which is why, after sendin' the peep off to do whatever she's doin' right now, I'm feelin' free to write today's blog post 'bout her doin' a whole bunch of stupid ol' things.  Yup, I now have the privacy to write my blog post all about her stupidity, in peace.  To write it without havin' her hoverin' over my shoulder and stuff, correctin' what I write, and complainin' that I'm makin' her look silly or stupid or...

Well...

Bad.

Not my fault she does stupid things.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

public service announcement

The followin' is a public service announcement, paid for by...

By uh...

Hmmm...

Hey Peepers!  You willin' to toss a few toonies my way to pay for this here pubic service announcement, I'm makin'?

No?

Hmph.

MOUSES!

Well how 'bout one tooney, then?

A looney?

Maybe a quarter or two?

Still no?  Still?

Well then, uh...

I know!  A few treats.  I'm sure you can spare a few treats.  Bonus treats, we'll call 'em

What do you MEAN you just gave me treats?  What do you MEAN?

Oh yeah.

MOUSES!

Er-hmm.  The followin' is a public service announcement.  APPARENTLY, it's totally free.

Paid for by no one but me.

MOUSES!

And now for the announcement:  Okay kitties out there.  Kitties and doggies and ferrets and anyone else to whom this might pertain.  Do you have a fan page on Facebook?  You do?  Well if so, please be aware there are scammers out to get us four-legged social media stars.  Scammers like the "Restricted Account Information" and the "Business Account Maintenance Standards" pages.  These are NOT real pages, my friends.  They're fake.  Fake as fake can be.  Fake as the diamonds on a burlesque dancer's short dress.

NEVER MIND HOW I KNOW 'BOUT BURLESQUE DANCERS' ATTIRE.

MOUSES!

But back to the business at paw.  These SCAMMERS are taggin' hundreds of pages, pretendin' to represent Facebook and/or META security and whatnot.  They tag you in a post and say that if you don't click on the link they provide within 24 hours or five days or the like, you'll lose all access to your fan page.

Whatever you do, DO NOT CLICK.

Now I don't actually know what will happen if you do click on their links 'cause I never have, but rest assured, IT'S GONNA BE BAD.

MOUSES!

Instead of clickin' on their links, report 'em and block 'em.   Report and block.  REPORT and BLOCK.  That's the best thing to do.  

Report 'em!

BLOCK 'EM!

Do what I say AND do what I do.

MOUSES!

This mornin', I awoke to a notification from one of these scammers who had tagged my fan page.  Another notification.  The THIRD one in less than three weeks!  And I'm sick and tired of this nonsense.  Sick and tired, to be sure.

So remember, my pals, if your fan page gets tagged by one of these scammers, you know what to do: REPORT 'em and BLOCK 'em and if you happen to find their actual address...

Well...

Well used kitty litter makes a wonderful gift.

Really WELL used kitty litter, that is.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

trust

Trust, Peepers, trust.  It's all about trust.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  Doesn't work that way, my peep.  JUST 'CAUSE YOU trust Saffy, doesn't mean Saffy is automatically gonna trust you.

MOUSES!

I KNOW you trust Saffy not to scratch you or bite you or...  Well not bite you hard enough to break the skin, that is.  I know all 'bout how you trust that brother of mine, but...

Well...

Well like I said, your trustin' Saffy doesn't mean Saffy is gonna automatically trust you.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  I know he trusts you way more than he did way back when.  You know, when he first arrived on our doorstep 'bout three years ago, I mean.

'Course that's not sayin' all that much.  Way back then, Saffy didn't trust you as far as he could throw you.  And considerin' the fact that he's a cat and you're a peep...  Well let's just say the size differential would make his throwin' you ANYWHERE somewhat hard to do.

MOUSES!

But back to this issue of trust.  Yes, Saffy does trust you way more now than he did then, but...

Well...

Well there are still limits to said trust.

MOUSES!

Limits?  Limits means that he...

Oh, so you actually know what the word limits means.

Who knew?

MOUSES!

But never mind that.  The thing is: yes, Saffy Saffron Sassifras DOES trust you enough for him to lie on his back, exposin' his tummy for all to see, lookin' like he's givin' you an open invitation to tickle said tummy.

But...

But...

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY ACCEPT HIS INVITATION.

MOUSES!

'Cause Peepers, when some peep comes up to a kitty and starts unexpectedly tickin' his tummy - the kitty's tummy, I mean - THERE'S ALWAYS gonna be a moment of panic as the kitty realises someone is doin' what they're doin' to his tummy, and...

And...

And that moment of panic may result in a claw or two bein' sunk into some peep's hand.

Or eight!

Claws, that is.

MOUSES!

Just be thankful Saffy gave you the invitation in the first place, Peepers.  But next time?  Perhaps next time you really shouldn't accept it.

Least not whilst Saffy is half asleep.

And definitely not if you're not wearin' heavy gloves like the ones peeps use whilst dealin' with long-taloned eagles.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

have you seen it?

Hey Peepers!  You happen to know where my catnip biff bag is?

No, I'm lookin' for the white and yellow one.  The one with the bumblebee print for fabric.

Nope, not that one.

I KNOW that biff bag is white and yellow and is covered in cute little bumblebees; but that's not the biff bag I want.  I want the OTHER white and yellow bumblebee fabric biff bag.

Not that one, either.  I want THE OTHER, other white and yellow bumbl...

'CAUSE I HAVE THREE, THAT'S WHY.  I have three catnip biff bags that are white and yellow with bumblebees, for fabric.  I'm not lookin' for either of those two.  I'm lookin' for the third one.  You happen to know where that one might be?

I'm lookin' for the other one 'cause, well...  Well for starters, those two you're holdin' in your hand are all covered in slobber.

HEY!  Careful with my biff bags.  Don't you be dropping 'em on the floor like that.  A little slobber never hurt anyone.

Besides, it's mostly dried up by now.

MOUSES!

But back to the quest at paw.  Do you have any idea where my white and yellow biff bag with the bumblebee print might be?  My OTHER white and yellow bumblebee biff bag, that is.  You have any idea at all?  I've looked under the chesterfield and both family room chairs.  I don't think I had it in the livin' room so it can't be there.  And I don't think I had it upstairs, either.

Hmmm...

You didn't happen to throw it out, did you?

Just askin'.

Hey, my accusatory tone is too warranted, on account of my knowin' you've been known to chuck out a biff bag or two.

Plus, this mornin' was garbage collection.

MOUSES!

I swear, Peepers, sometimes you go 'round the house on garbage day morning, JUST LOOKIN' FOR STUFF to fill up the bag.  And more often than not, said stuff belongs to me.

MOUSES!

BUT BACK TO THE QUEST at paw.  You happen to know....

Wait a minute.  Peepers, what's that tucked in the corner behind Saffron's hammock, next to the catnip mouse and spinnin' ball toy?  Could it be....

Could it be....

COULD THAT BE MY LONG LOST WHITE AND YELLOW BUMBLEBEE PRINT FABRIC BIFF BAG, I SEE?

OH FAVOURITE BIFF BAG OF MINE: COME TO PAPA, MY FRIEND.

I'm gonna slobber all over you and get nipped as a kite, and...

PEEPERS!  Just where do you think you're goin' with those other two biff bags?

Just 'cause I don't want 'em today doesn't mean I won't want 'em tomorrow, you know.

I KNOW I said they were covered in slobber.  Truth be told, this one I was lookin' for is covered in slobber, too.  Thing is, this one is covered in three-day-old slobber.  Those two are covered in two-day-old slobber.  There's a difference, you see.

We cats are finicky that way.

Finicky, fussy, and almost always hard to please.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

I'm back!

I'm back!

I'm BAAAH-AAAACK.

I said, I'M BACK!

And for the benefit of those at the back of the room who might not have already heard.

I AM BACK.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' the peeps, Saffy, and I; all went on vacation.  Went on vacation to some sunny place with not too much heat.  Went on vacation to get away from the hustle and bustle of nappin' and snoozin' and snackin', not to mention lookin' for decent-sized sunpuddles and things.

Well...

Well that would be wrong.

MOUSES!

Truth is, we weren't on vacation at all.

MOUSES!

So why did I miss two blog posts, you ask?

That's a very good question, my friends.  A very good question, indeed.  Suffice it to say, it was Peepers' fault.

Of course.

MOUSES!

Thing is, somethin' happened to the phone.  Line went dead.  Dead as a door nail, for sure.  And the phone peeps couldn't come out to fix whatever it was for a big ol' whole week.

MOUSES!

But luckily for me, I still had the Internet.  Now it was slow.  Slow as molasses, they say.  But although obviously affected by whatever was botherin' the phone, it was NOT dead.  Just slow.  Slow, slow, SLOW.

Think I might have mentioned that.  That it was slow.

MOUSES!

So if I had the Internet, WHY did I miss two blog posts, you again ask?

Very, VERY good question, indeed.

"I'm not sitting there at your desk for hours on end trying to publish your posts," she said.  "I'm not sitting there waiting and waiting and watching that little circle thing go around and around.  Believe it or not, Seville, I have better things to do."

"Well so do I!" I replied.  "I've got my afternoon nap scheduled for three.  And a snack after that.  WHICH IS WHY I need you to sit there and wait 'til the little circle thingy stops circlin' so you can publish my post, and..."

"Seville, I have OTHER things to do."

"AS. DO. I."

Did I not mention that nap?

MOUSES!

So this went back and forth for a bit but it was finally decided that until the Internet and phone were back up and runnin' properly, my postin' would have to wait.

Although to be perfectly honest...

To be perfectly honest, it wasn't actually a decision we both made.  It was more like a situation where Peepers got up and left the room without so much as an excuse me or a by your leave or anythin' like that.

The nerve.

MOUSES!

WHICH IS WHY my missin' two blog posts was, like I said...

ALL. PEEPERS'. FAULT.

'Cause what's an hour or five sittin' at the computer watchin' a little circle go 'round and 'round, bein' told the connection has timed out over and over again, to a peep?  What's that to a peep when said peep knows she's helpin' her favourite bloggin' kitty out?

It's not like I could have wasted my time like that.  I had IMPORTANT things to do.

You know, like my previously scheduled afternoon nap.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

you have mail

You have mail.

Oohhh...  an e-mail for me.  SWEET.

MOUSES!

Well at least I'm assumin' it's for me.  Looks like it's from some guy named Subrat Dey.  Only thing is, I don't know any guy goin' by the name of Subrat.  I once knew a guy with the name of Belowdog Night, but he turned out to be nothin' but a weasel.

MOUSES!

But all that aside, let's take a look at this letter.  "Dear Customer...."

Well that's a bit presumptuous, I should think.  Since I've never heard of Subrat Dey before, I'M PRETTY SURE I'm not a customer of his.   And if I were, you'd think he'd know my actual name and not use a generic label like "customer."  Is he assumin' I'll BE his customer after readin' his letter?  Is he assumin' his letter is that good?  I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE'S SELLIN'!

MOUSES!

But back to the letter at paw.

"Dear Customer, we are offering 2 hours of free Virtual Assistance Services like Data Entry, Email Marketing, blog writing..."

Blog writing.

WHAT THE MOUSES?

WHAT THE MOUSIE MOUSIN' MOUSED-UP MOUSES?

WHAT THE....

Awww....

MOUSES!

APPARENTLY, this guy doesn't know that I, Seville the Cat, WRITE ALL MY OWN STUFF.

You'd think if I actually were a customer of his, that's somethin' he would already know.

MOUSES!

Imagine the nerve of someone sendin' me, Seville the Cat - WORLD-WIDE BLOGGIN' KITTY EXTRAORDINAIRE - an email suggestin' some stupid VIRTUAL ASSISTANT TEAM is capable of writin' MY blogs for ME.

Like I said before: I WRITE ALL MY OWN STUFF.

MOUSES!

"If interested please respond to my email so that I can send you..."

Oh, I'll respond to your e-mail, all right.  I'll respond to it, lickety split!  I've got a mind to give you a piece of my mind, for sure.

Or on the other paw...

Maybe I'll just take a nap.  I could surely go for a nap 'round 'bout now.

Or maybe a snack!

OR I KNOW...  BOTH.

'Cause if I am gonna respond to this guy's e-mail, I need to be well-rested and have my tummy full.  'Cause let me tell you somethin', my friends: a tired, hungry kitty can get kinda cranky when dealin' with these kinda unsolicited solicitin' peeps.  And if I'm tired and hungry, I might end up goin' a little overboard when CATsplainin' the way of the world to this guy.  And it seems to me, I'm gonna have an awful lotta catsplainin' to do.

But I wouldn't wanna go so far as to make him cry, or anythin' like that.

I don't think.

'Cause that might be mean.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

just leave it open

Maybe you should just leave it open.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' I'm tellin' Peepers to leave the back door open so Saffy Saffron Sassifras can just sit there for a minute...  Scratch that.  So Saffy Saffron Sassifras can just sit there for an HOUR or two, 'til he decides whether he wants to go outside or stay in.

MOUSES!

Now normally...

Now normally, this guess would probably be right.  I mean, we cats do like to sit by an open door and ponder a bit.  Ponder 'bout the meanin' of life.  'Bout why the birds sing.  'Bout whether or not we want to be outside or in.

You know, those sorta things.

Why I, myself, have been known to ponder by an open door for so long I FELL ASLEEP RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT!

FYI, fallin' asleep by an open door is not a good idea, on account of it givin' a peep the opportunity to pick you up and carry you away from said door before you've had the chance to figure out if you want to be in or out.

MOUSES!

But back to what I was talking 'bout before.  No, if you're guessin' I was suggestin' that Peepers leave the back door open for Saffy, even though you would normally be right, this time, that guess would be wrong.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that if my suggestion wasn't 'bout the door, it must have been 'bout the bag of treats on the counter.

Now that, my friends, would be an EXCELLENT idea.  Yes sirree, leavin' the bag of treats on the counter open for us kitties would be an excellent idea, for sure.  Why, it would mean Saffron and I could help ourselves whenever we wanted.  We wouldn't be havin' to pester Peepers all the time.  Pester her by meowin' for her to get her up off her lazy tail and go get us some treats!  Ah yes, it would be an excellent idea, for sure, except...

Except...

'Cept it kinda implies we cats can be pests.

WHICH WE ARE NOT.

EVER.

NEVER!

MOUSES!

Except maybe at four in the mornin' when we sometimes think the peep should get up and check on our catnip plants outside, 'cause it's rainin' really heavily and we're concerned the plants could be drownin', AND WOULDN'T IT BE NICE if a peep were to go out there with an umbrella or two to protect 'em from the torrential downpour.

Not to mention all the thunder and lightenin'.

MOUSES!

So no, my suggestion wasn't 'bout that, either.

Give up?

Fine, I'll give you the answer.

Peepers was standin' at the fridge earlier today, with the fridge door open wide, wonderin' if there was anythin' in there worthy of snackin'.  Or maybe she was thinkin' she'd pour herself somethin' to drink but couldn't decide if she wanted a glass of iced tea or fizzy water.  Or perhaps...

Oh I don't know what she was thinkin' might materialise if she stood there long enough, starin' inside.  Bein' a peep, she has weird tastes, you see, so to be perfectly honest, WHATEVER she was plannin' on havin' would be of no interest to me.

However...

However, I did notice that when the fridge door was open fully wide, some nice cool air came a-wafting in my direction.  And since it was hot and muggy where I was standin', that nice cool air felt pretty good, to be sure.

So...

So I suggested ol' Peepers should just leave the fridge door open and I would stand in front of it like the fridge was my very own personal air conditioner, you see.

Oddly enough, the peep didn't agree.

Instead, she grabbed a bottle of fizzy water and closed the fridge door, and the cool air I WAS enjoyin', could be enjoyed no more.

What a stupid peep.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

don't touch that

Don't touch that.

Don't touch that!

Saffy, I said, DON'T TOUCH THAT NIP MOUSE.

MOUSES!

'Cause we're on strike, that's why.  'CAUSE WE'RE ON STRIKE!  You and I, Saffy my man, have officially gone on strike.  Which is why...

Which is why...

Which is why we're not doin' anythin' anyone like our two peeps might find cute or amusin' or - God forbid - helpful.

Not that we're ever all that helpful anyway, but you know.

MOUSES!

But you say you WANT to play with that nip mouse, Saffy?  You say you WANT to toss it about, battin' it here and there and pretty much everywhere?  You say you WANT to get nipped and have a little fun?

Well sorry, Saff, these are the sacrifices we cats must make.  Your playin' with that nip mouse is gonna make you look cute and adorable, and make the peeps smile and ooh and ahh and fawn over you like they tend to do when we cats do the adorable things that we do.

But we can't have that now, can we.

'CAUSE WE'RE ON STRIKE!

But you say you WANT to look cute and adorable, and make the peeps smile and ooh and ahh and fawn over you 'cause you're bein' all adorable?

Well...

Well I can see why you might wanna do that but like I said, you can't.

'CAUSE WE'RE ON STRIKE!

I thought I already said that.

MOUSES!

Saffy, you and I are in dire need of bein' shown a little respect around here.  We're in dire need of bein' shown a little respect from our peeps.  I'll admit that they are pretty good 'bout supplyin' us with food and treats and things, but I'm pretty sure that even as good as the fuds might be, THEY COULD BE A WHOLE LOT BETTER.  Not once has Peepers ever brought in a personal chef to prepare us our meals.

The nerve.

MOUSES!

But back to the issue at paw.  Back to the business 'bout showin' us the respect we deserve and NOT taking advantage of our cordial demeanor.

Saffron, you might not realise this but you and I are definitely bein' taken advantage of by our two peeps.  We're bein' taken advantage of, a lot.  A lot!  I came to this realisation last night, when you walked past Peepers sittin' there on the couch.  I saw her grab you and haul you up on her lap and start cuddlin' you and scritchin' you and coverin' you in kisses.  She acted like she had some kinda right to treat you like that.  Like she had a right to do whatever she wanted to do, without even askin', first.

Like I said before; the nerve!

MOUSES!

Oh don't be silly, Saffron.  Your enjoyin' bein' cuddled and scritched and covered in kisses is neither here nor there.  NO ONE has a right to just do that kinda thing without askin'.  Not even our peeps.

She REALLY SHOULD have asked, first.

So from here on in, you and I are officially on strike.  You're not to do anythin' cute or adorable in the presence of Peepers.  And you are NOT to allow her to cuddle you or kiss you or anythin' like that.  From here on in, you and I will totally ignore those two peeps of ours.  Just walk on past 'em without even a flick of a tail.  And we're gonna keep on behavin' like that until we have a solid agreement in place where we'll get all the respect we deserve forever and ever and...

*pricks up his ears*

*then sniffs the air*

Ixnay ethay olewhay ikestray ingthay, Saffy.

I SAID, IXNAY ETHAY OLEWHAY IKESTRAY INGTHAY, SAFFRON.  Nix the whole strike thing, my man.  She's gone and opened a tin of real salmon.

Talk about playin' hard ball durin' negotiations.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

in full public view

Put some clothes on out there.  I said, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

Oh yeah, it is pretty hot out today.  30C last time I checked and 30C is pretty hot to be sure.

Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, or so they say.  Although to be perfectly honest, I have never ever - ever! - in all my nine lives, seen anyone fryin' eggs for their brekkies on the sidewalk.  Of course, I'm not one to watch the cookin' channels and stuff.  Mainly on account of those kinda channels never featurin' recipes usin' catnip, you see.  For I know, there might very well be a whole series devoted to sidewalk cookin' and such.  Cookin' eggs, meltin' butter, and makin' hot tea.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Well that's just great, that is.  Great you have some clothes on, I mean.  Glad to hear you're not out there dancin' and prancin' around in the yard wearin' nothin' but a pair of earrings and a couple of rings.  But guess what, Peepers.  I WASN'T TALKIN' TO YOU.

MOUSES!

That's right, my friends.  I wasn't talkin' to Peep #1 when earlier, I told someone to put some clothes on themselves.  Wasn't talkin' to the second peep, either.  I was talkin'...

No, there aren't any stranger peeps in our yard wanderin' around nekkid.

I don't think.

Perhaps I should check.

MOUSES!

Nope, there are no stranger peeps out there nekkid and that, my friends, is a good thing, for sure.

But back to the other nekkidness and to whom I was speakin'.  It was to Saffron I was sayin' these things.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' Saffy doesn't wear clothes and you are absolutely right about that.  But the thing is...

The thing is...

The thing is, with all this heat and humidity we've been havin', Saffy has taken a liking to lyin' out on the driveway or deck or anywhere else, and in full public view...

In full public view...

In full public view, he is airin' out parts that shouldn't need airin'.

Okay, so maybe they do.

But you don't wanna air out your parts best left private with everyone out there a-lookin'.

MOUSES!

That's right, that brother of mine is out there right now, lyin' on his back with his hind legs spread apart, with all of his private parts very...

Well...

Unprivate.

That's not a word, you are sayin'?

Well perhaps it should be.  My brother is out there right now, committin' acts of indecent exposure, he is.  Indecent exposure, I say.  Exposin' parts best left hidden by his very furry tail.

MOUSES!

I know it's hot out there.  I REALLY DO KNOW it's super-duper hot.  I'm feelin' the heat, as well.  But the thing is...

The thing is...

The thing is, if that darn brother of mine is feelin' so hot, MAYBE HE SHOULD GO LIE UNDER A TREE OR A BUSH OR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT, AND NOT BE LYIN' OUT THERE ON THE HOT OPEN DECK IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE.

Not to mention bein' under the blazin' hot sun.

Sights like that are not fit for an innocent peep like my Peepers to see.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

got it!

By gosh and by golly, I got it.

I got it, YOO-HOO!

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Well...

Well let me ask you this then, Peepers.  Did you, or did you not, wanna be bitten by that skeeter?

Now take your time there, ol' peep of mine.  You're old and decrepit, and it's perfectly reasonable for things to take longer now in your old age, and...

YOU ARE TOO.  You're old and decrepit, for sure.

WELL YOU'RE A HECK OF A LOT OLDER THAN ME.

MOUSES!

Okay, so maybe you're not actually decrepit.  YET.  But give it time, Peepers.  Give it time.  One day you surely will be.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

You're back to asking 'bout that, huh?  You're back to askin' why I gave you that swat?  You're back to askin' why...

Wait a minute.  ARE YOU SAYIN' YOU WANTED THAT SKEETER TO BITE YOU?

Mouses woman, you must be insane.

'Cause no one - not cat nor peep - actually likes bein' bitten by skeeters.  Those mosquitoes are the peskiest things.  They go 'bout their lives, flitting 'round your face and buzzin' in your ears.  'Nough to drive a kitty mad, they are.  AND I WOULD THINK they're enough to drive a peep mad, too.

Unless she already is.

So yes, I, bein' the most thoughtful of kitties that I am, DID TAKE one good swat at that skeeter flittin' around and about; as it was clearly botherin' you, without a doubt!  That skeeter was askin' for trouble, he was.  He was ASKIN' to be swatted, for sure.  HE WAS ASKIN' for me to give him a swat and squish him under my paw, and...

Well yes, Peepers, my claws were out.  Whatever is your point?

Well yeah, sure, but...

But you know, it's not really my fault.  Your arm was right there right under that skeeter when that skeeter ended up under my paw.

Not to mention my claw.

Well let me ask you this, then, Peepers.  Are you, or are you not, positive it was one of my claws that drew blood?  I mean, it could have been the skeeter.  He might have already taken a bite.

They do that, you know, those skeeters.  That's just the kinda thing that they do.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

he's so weird

He's so weird.

He is SO weird.

That brother of mine is so very incredibly weird.

MOUSES!

NO, I am NOT bein' hard on my brother.  I'm not bein' hard on him, at all.

Not my fault he's weird.

MOUSES!

Okay, so get this: That brother of mine, Saffy Saffron Sassifras, has decided that instead of walkin' down a staircase on all four paws like normal kitties do...  Like I do...  Well, instead of doin' that, Saffron has decided he would rather turn himself into a slinky.

Yes, that's what you heard.  You heard that correctly.  I present to you, my brother THE FELINE SLINKY.

MOUSES!

It's the weirdest thing, my friends.  The weirdest...

Okay, so maybe not the weirdest.  After all, you all know our peep.

Now SHE is pretty weird, to be sure.

MOUSES!

But weird peeps aside, I think you have to agree that a kitty who walks down a staircase by lowerin' his head to the step below, and then kinda slidin' down onto said step while at the same time doin' a somersault, mid-step...

Well...

Well that is pretty darned weird.  Pretty darned weird, for sure.

MOUSES!

But it doesn't end there, my friends.  Nope, it doesn't end there, at all.  After doin' that somersault slinky-type move a couple of times, Saffy then flips on his side and slides the rest of the way down.

Like I said, WEIRD.

I'm pretty sure - approximately one hundred and ninety-nine point three five two percent, I should think - he gets his weirdness from the peep.

Where else would he get it?  Who else is that weird?

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

not again

Not again.

NOT again.

Again?

Again.

MOUSES!

For mousin' out loud, the sayin' really is true.  It never rains but it pours, my friends.

Continuously.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that it wasn't all that long ago when I, Seville the Cat, was beggin' - BEGGIN! - for rain.  And you know what?  You're right.  That's exactly what I did.

But...

But I had good reason to be beggin' for rain, back then.  My fair province of Nova Scotia was on fire.  On fire, I say.  On fire!  There were out-of-control wildfires all over the place.  And although the firefighters were workin' like mad and doin' as best as anyone could, what we really and truly needed was rain.  Lots of it, too.  Yup, what we needed back then was lots and lots of rain.

MOUSES!

But...

But that was then and this is now and let me tell you somethin', my friends: I swear it hasn't stopped rainin' since it started a few weeks ago, and...

Okay, so it has stopped rainin' a bit.

Now and then.

For maybe a second or two.

But no sooner does it stop, then it starts rainin' again!

MOUSES!

And this is causin' me great grief, to be sure.  For starters, Peepers hasn't been goin' for her mornin' walks like she used to do, which has made her more than a little grumpy as of late.  But more importantly, I COUNT ON HER GOIN' FOR THOSE WALKS to get her out of my fur for an hour or two.

I swear she's been underpaw for weeks.

I believe her not wantin' to walk in the rain is on account of the well-documented phenomenon that occurs when peeps melt after gettin' wet.

Saw it on The Wizard of Oz so I know it absolutely must be true.

MOUSES!

Or...

Or maybe she's afraid of accidentally participatin' in a wet t-shirt contest!

Could be either one, I suppose.

MOUSES!

But meltin' peeps and wet t-shirts aside, facts are facts.  AND THE FACT IS, like I said, Peepers has been underpaw for weeks AND IT'S DRIVIN' ME CRAZY, for sure.

MOUSES!

And then there's the shortage of sunpuddles which is makin' me a tad grumpy, I'm afraid.  That's right, there isn't a sunpuddle in sight around here.  Nope, not a one.  Oh sure, there are puddles, all right.  There are puddles all over the place.  But they're puddles of the water kind and the sun kind are nowhere to be found.  And although I enjoy a good drink of puddle water as much as the next cat, now and then, what I really like doin' is to lie out in the sun.

And believe-you-me, you DON'T wanna accidentally mistake a water-filled puddle for a sunpuddle, my friends.

It's not a pretty sight.

Right, Saffy?

MOUSES!

So Mother Nature, if you're listenin', PLEASE STOP WITH RAIN!  Try to exercise a little moderation now and then, would ya?  There are plenty of places in Canada that are in dire need of the rain and I know I speak for all Nova Scotian kitties when I say, WE KITTIES WOULD BE HAPPY TO SHARE.

So please send a few of those rain clouds to Ontario and Quebec.  At least for a week, or two, okay?

Good gosh, at this point, I'd be happy for one day.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

let it go

Let it go, Peepers.  Let it go.

I said, Let. It. Go.

MOUSES!

Peepers, it's like this: stuff happens.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that I, Seville the Cat, have gone and done somethin' to annoy the peep.

Again.

Well...

Well to be perfectly honest, I probably have.  I mean, I do tend to go 'bout my daily routine without really caring 'bout whether or not that daily routine is annoyin'.  If it is, it is.  If it isn't, that's a bonus, I suppose.

At least for the peep it probably is.

MOUSES!

See the thing is, Peepers loves me.  She loves me to bits.  One might even say she adores me; what with my bein' so absolutely adorable and all.  So even if I do do somethin' annoyin' or naughty, who cares?  She's still gonna love me.  She's still gonna love me to bits!

MOUSES!

But this time...

This particular time, it was NOT I, Seville the Cat, who managed to annoy the peep.  And no, before you ask, it wasn't Saffron, either.  Nor was it Peep #2.

Actually...

Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure WHO it was that went and annoyed Peepers.  All I know is that it wasn't me nor Saffy nor Peep #2.  It wasn't anyone livin' here in my house.  But she definitely was annoyed about somethin'.  Must have be somethin' super duper annoyin', for sure. 

But you know...

You know, I'm not even sure about WHAT she was annoyed.  It's not like I asked her or anythin' like that 'cause if a cat asks his peep why she's upset, said cat is expected - EXPECTED! - to stick around and listen to the peep's answer.  And not just listen as in sit there and pretend to listen, but ACTUALLY LISTEN to whatever is said.

In other words, don't yawn in her face and fall fast asleep.

Learned that one the hard way, I did.

MOUSES!

So like I was sayin'...

So like I was sayin', the peep is annoyed.  Not sure who did what or why but then, it's not like I actually care.  As long as I'm not gettin' the blame for whatever was done, everything's good.

For me, anyway.

MOUSES!

But bein' the genuinely carin' and considerate cat that I am, I am willin' to offer the ol' peep a bit of advice.

LET IT GO, PEEPERS.  LET. IT. GO.

And that's the kind of advice I best like to give.  The general, one size fits all, all-purpose kind of advice that pretty much fits any kinda situation one might encounter.  That way, I don't have to pay any attention when she tells me all 'bout whatever was done.

My gosh, what an incredibly carin', considerate kitty I am.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.