roadworks

Whoa Nelly...

Hmph, I don't know nobody named Nelly.

MOUSES!

WHOA PEEPERS...

Better.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!  Have you seen what's goin' on out there?

Out there.

There!

Out there on the driveway, Peepers.  What are you, BLIND?

MOUSES!

Oh for mousin' out loud, Peepers, it seems I have to explain EVERYTHIN' these days.

Well if you don't want me catsplaining things to you, you'd better start bein' more observant and intelligent and stuff.

FINE, I shall explain.

*sighs*

We've got some major roadworks goin' on out on the driveway, Peepers.  Major roadworks, for sure!  There are roads goin' in here and there and pretty much everywhere.  Roads headin' north and east, and...  And...  And south and west, too!  

There must be a provincial election comin' up or somethin', I think.

What, no elections in the near future?

Well that makes no sense.

MOUSES!

Of course it makes no sense, Peepers.  Somethin' is up, for sure.  I was out there just this mornin' and I found roads...

Okay, so I was out there this mornin' and I found TRACKS all over the place.  Yup, tracks all over the place in the newly fallen snow.  There were squirrel tracks, bird tracks, cat tracks - not mine - and some really big tracks I couldn't identify.  And when I say big, I mean BIG.  Big as in HUGE.

I'm tellin' ya, I think we have a Sasquatch on our paws.

AN ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN, for sure.

Probably a really grumpy Abominable Snowman on account of that wet, heavy, sticky snow stickin' to his or her humongously hairy feet, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

The Abominable Snowman's tracks?  Oh, well they went straight down the driveway between the side door of the house, and the street.  They stropped right next to where you left the garbage last night.  It's a good thing you didn't encounter that ol' snowman, Peepers, 'cause rumours are swirlin' that he or she is pretty grumpy, for sure.  One might even say loathsome, disgustin', and vile.

You know, on account of abominable meanin' those things, and...

What?

Oh.

Really?

Hmmm....

So no Abominable Snowman, you say.  Those were YOUR tracks in the snow.

My gosh you've got big feet.

Wonder if they're hairy, too.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

day of the box

Today is special, my friends.  Today is a very special day, for sure, for today is the DAY OF THE BOX.

IT'S BOXING DAY, today!

purrs

Yeah, yeah, I know.  It's also ninety-three weeks.

MOUSES!

So sure, I've spent the last five hundred and six million, two hundred and seventeen thousand, six hundred cats seconds of this ol' pandemic thingy cooped up with the peeps, but do you know what?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

Today is the day when I'm not gonna let that bother me.  Nope, I'm not gonna let that bother me one bit, FOR TODAY IS THE DAY when I shall spend all seven hundred and seventy-seven thousand, six hundred cat seconds of the day, SITTIN' in a BOX.

WHERE ELSE WOULD ONE RATHER BE?

Nowhere, for sure.

MOUSES!

Now I know some peeps out there might be thinkin' that Boxin' Day has other meanings, but you know somethin', my friends?

THEY WOULD BE WRONG.

MOUSES!

'Cause when it comes to boxes, us cats know what's right and what's wrong.  SO WHEN IT COMES TO BOXIN' DAY, us cats know what's right about that, too!

And by extension, also what's wrong.

MOUSES!

Although technically, when you really think about the situation clearly, us cats know what's best about EVERYTHING, 'cause you know...

We're cats.

MOUSES!

Not our fault we cats are smarter than peeps.

MOUSES!

So today is the day when all cats need to grab a handy box and...

Well...

Well jump right in it, my friends!

Scratch that.  First, before you jump into your box, you should really inspect it bit, makin' sure it's clean and pristine.

You know, that sorta thing.

Nothin' worse than jumpin' into a dirty box, my friends.  Nothin' worse!

Scratch that.  NOT HAVIN' a box into which you can jump is actually worse than jumpin' into a dirty one but nevertheless, no one wants to have to have a bath on account of gettin' all dirtied up 'cause some stupid peep filled your Boxin' Day Box with dirt and stuff.  When a cat jumps into a box, havin' a bath is not the first thing a cat wants to do!

No sirree, first thing a cat wants to do after jumpin' into his or her Boxin' Day Box is have a nap.

FACT.

I know this from personal experience, I do.

Plus, I watched a documentary 'bout it on TV.

Or was that merely a Boxing Day dream...

Cats have those, you know.  Boxin' Day dreams, I mean.  We dream about boxes a lot.

FACT.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

'twas the post before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas...

Nah, that's not right.  Christmas isn't 'til Saturday and today is just Wednesday.

MOUSES!

'Twas the POST before Christmas, and all through the house...

...not a creature was stirrin',

NOT EVEN A MOUSE!

The mousies were hung by the chimney with care...

...which is why they weren't stirrin',

And kept outta my hair.

I mean fur, of course.

MOUSES!

The peeps were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of sugar plums...

Nah, that's not right, either.  I don't think Peepers has ever dreamt of sugar plums.  She's more a dreamin' of peach cobbler kinda gal, for sure.

I don't even know if she knows what a sugar plum is.

MOUSES!

And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my...

Okay, that right there has gotta make this little poem come to an end.  If I were to see Peepers with a hankie wrapped 'round her head, I'd be thinkin' she'd gone 'round the bend!

And me wearin' a cap?  A CAP?  I don't wear no caps, 'cause I, Seville the Cat, am a cat, and cats don't wear no stupid caps.

Need I say it?

MOUSES!

So enough with my failed attempt at poetry.

MOUSES!

Here's the thing: Christmas is right 'round the corner and I've got my paws filled with wrappin' prezzies...

I mean, UNwrappin' prezzies.

I MEAN, playin' with the wrappin' paper when Peepers isn't about.

THING IS, I've got my paws busy doin' stuff I should or should not be doin'.

Yeah, that's about right.

BUT I KNOW peeps and cats...

Dogs, too, of course.

...out there are gonna wanna reread some of my Christmas adventures from years past, so...

So...

So I'm gonna paw over all the links for all those adventures right here in this here blog post, puttin' them all in one place, nice and convenient like for your purrsonal purrusal.

And if I don't see you between now and Christmas...

Here are those links I told you 'bout.

2014:  The Naughty List

2015:  The Mysterious Christmas Ornament

2016:  Reindeer Dust

2016:  Seville Saves Christmas

2017:  Santa's Mail Train

2017:  Mason to the Rescue

2017:  The Shelf Elf

2018:  'Twas the Night Before Christmas

2019:  The Santa Sack, part I

2019:  The Santa Sack, part II

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

ninety-two weeks

My gosh and my golly, here we are less than a week away from Christmas and I still don't have a prezzie for Peepers!

I know what she wants.  She wants Saffron inside, but Saffron has so far been unwillin'.

Can't blame the chap, really.  I mean, even though he's still livin' outside, Peepers picks him up whenever she can and covers him in kisses.  And he's not impressed when she does that, at all!

Okay, so he actually IS impressed, but definitely not in a good way.

MOUSES!

Thing is, Saffron knows that if he can get covered in peep kisses and germs while livin' outdoors, goodness knows what would happen if he were inside.   He could end up totally smothered!

In kisses, I mean.

*shudders at the thought*

MOUSES!

And anyway, my convincin' Saffron to come live indoors wouldn't really be a Christmas prezzie from me to Peepers.  It would be more of a prezzie from Saffron.  And a prezzie TO Saffron, as well, although the little guy refuses to believe it.

SO WHAT IS A KITTY TO DO?

Me, I mean.  What am I gonna do with there bein' less than a week left 'til Christmas and my still not havin' a gift for the peep?

You know, YOU'D THINK that after spendin' the last half a billion - give or take seven hundred and seventy-four thousand, four hundred - cat seconds cooped up here with the peep, I would know by now what to give her for Christmas.  I mean, you would think that, wouldn't you?  You'd think that maybe I would have picked up a few ideas.

Yeah, you might think so but you would actually be TOTALLY WRONG.  I honestly don't have a clue, so...

So...

So I'm thinkin' I might...

Maybe...

Well to tell you the truth, I'm thinkin' I might get her a gift certificate or somethin'.  Somethin' useful.  Somethin' she really, really needs.

Somethin' she wants, too!

So the plan is...

So the plan is, I'm gonna give Peepers a gift certificate for nip mice and treats.  Cat treats, of course, 'cause they're the best kind.  Plus, I KNOW FOR A FACT that Peepers needs lots of treats.

Cat treats, I mean.

The woman buys 'em every week!

Clearly, it's somethin' she likes.

AND NEEDS.

MOUSES!

Oh, and if by chance Peepers doesn't actually want the nip mice and cat treats...

Well...

Well that's where I enter the picture with my gift number two: I am more than willin' to take 'em off her paws for her, you see.  And that'll be the best gift of all 'cause Christmas is all about givin' - not receivin' - so my givin' her the opportunity TO GIVE ME BACK those treats is really like my givin' her the true meanin' of Christmas, for sure.  I'LL BE GIVIN' HER THE GIFT OF GIVIN'!

Which, by the way, is somethin' she has never had the courtesy to do for me.

Plus, I get extra treats.

Oh it's a win-win situation, for sure.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

you have a nice day now

Hey ho, Sivvers the Cat here, broadcastin' LIVE from sunny Nova Scotia.

MOUSES!

So today, what with it bein' a mere ten sleeps 'til Christmas, I wanna talk a bit 'bout bein' nice and polite, and things like that.

You know, so you don't make it onto Santa's last minute naughty list.

MOUSES!

Now first off, I need to explain somethin'.  This post is not so much for my feline readers as it is for the peeps readin' my blog out there.  I mean, we cats are never actually expected to be nice and polite.  Especially not polite.  I mean...

Well...

Well when you think about the behaviour of cats, bein' polite is never really at the top of the list.  There are never really any politeness expectations placed upon us cats, you see.  'Cause we're...

Well...

Cats.

MOUSES!

Now if we're talkin' about cuteness, well that's a totally different thing.  As far as bein' cute goes, we cats commonly exceed all expectations.  In fact, we read so high on the cuteness meter - yes, it IS a thing - that sometimes those cuteness meters blow a gasket or two tryin' to accurately rate our cuteness.

Which is why although cuteness meters are real, they're really hard to find.

MOUSES!

But back to the bit 'bout bein' polite.

For peeps.

MOUSES!

As Christmas will soon be upon us, IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT for all peeps out there to make a real effort to be polite.  Now I've been in touch with Santa and the big guy in red says that contrary to the rumours that the reason he doesn't visit a lot of adult peeps is that they no longer believe in him, THE REAL REASON he doesn't visit is that most adult peeps have issues with bein' polite.

FACT.

Santa told me so and everythin'.

MOUSES!

So between now and Christmas Eve, when Santa's elves are busy packin' up his sleigh, all you peeps out there need to be makin' an extra effort to be extra polite.  Whether you're standin' in line at a store where baby peeps are screamin' and hollerin' and jumpin' up and down givin' you the mother headache of all headaches; or if you're standin' in line at the post office and some peep in front of you IS ACTUALLY ADDRESSIN' THE ENVELOPES of what must have been an entire box of Christmas cards at the checkout (True story: happened the other day to my peep.); or you're ON-line, arguin' with some stupidy dupity fool...

Okay, see?  That there's a perfect example of what I mean.  I used the word fool, which was probably not the most polite of things to do BUT REMEMBER, I'm a cat, and we cats get away with such things.  Peeps?  Not so much.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, remember that Santa is comin' in ten sleeps and whether or not he visits YOU will depend on your ability to be nice and sweet and POLITE.

So...

So when faced with an aggravatin' situation; suck it up, swallow your pride, and simply say, "You have a nice day now."

You have a nice day now...  You're bein' dismissed 'cause I have no patience to deal with you...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

ninety-one weeks

...and counting.

MOUSES!

That's right, my friends, I have now been stuck here with these two good-for-nothin' peeps of mine for a total of four hundred and ninety-five million, three hundred and thirty-one thousand, two hundred cat seconds, and let me tell you somethin', my friends...

IT'S DRIVIN' ME MAD, for sure.

MOUSES!

Now I might say bein' stuck here with me for just shy of half a billion cat seconds is drivin' the peeps mad, too, but...

But that, my friends, WOULD SURELY BE A LIE.

MOUSES!

Now Saffron...

No, Saffron isn't in yet, and it IS kinda drivin' Peepers mad tryin' to get him in, what with his insistin' on not bein' willin' to do so and all, but...

Well let's face it, my friends, Peepers WAS ALREADY mad, long before Saffron ever appeared on the scene, so his unwillingness to come inside might make her...  Um...  Well.  MadDER, one could say, but it can't actually make her mad in the first place.

She already had that covered.

All by herself.

MOUSES!

Now the weather...

Now the weather, on the other paw, would make ANYBODY mad, madder, or maddest, for sure.  It was like -15C Wednesday or Thursday mornin', but around midnight last night, it was that much above!  Yup, +15C in the middle of the night in December.

In Canada.

MOUSES!

But I digress 'bout this weather stuff.  Thing is, it was super cold the other day and Peepers thought she'd just pick ol' Saffron up and carry him inside.

So anyway...

So anyway, rubbin' alcohol and bandages are kept under the sink, in the downstairs half bath.

And now we know.

MOUSES!

So after Peepers cleaned up the two scratches and noticed a bruise formin' below her left shoulder where Saffron had given her one mighty kick, Peepers has once again decided to allow Saffron to come inside in his own good time.

MOUSES!

But then yesterday...

Yesterday, when Peepers had Saffron up in her arms - she's a slow learner, you see - instead of kickin' and scratchin' her, he...

He...

HE...

HE GAVE HER A KISS!

That's right, Saffron touched noses with the peep.

Methinks it's actually SAFFRON who has gone mad these past ninety-one weeks.

Has the cat never heard of peep germs?

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

calm before the storm

So it's lookin' pretty calm out there, all right.  Yup, lookin' pretty calm, for sure.  Not a trace of wind.  No sign yet of snow.  A few birdies at the feeders and a few more on the ground, but that's about it.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Yes, that's right.  I AM writin' about the calm before the storm.

Yes, that's right.  I AM...

WAIT A MINUTE.  I'm not writin' about that, at all!

MOUSES!

Yes, I am writin' about the pending storm, Peepers, and the current calm before it; but I AM NOT writin' about the snowfall warnin' the weatherpeeps are chattin' about on the news.

Yeah, yeah...  Go tell it to someone who cares.  First of all, Peepers, you and I both know those weatherpeeps don't always get this kinda stuff right.  Heavy snowfall...  Light dustin'...  It's all one and the same to them, I do believe, so that in itself is a good reason to not be writin' about what they're predictin', for sure.

And secondly...

Well secondly, there's a bigger storm a-comin',  and when it comes to bloggin', bigger is always better, you see.

'Cept when whatever it is that's bigger is somethin' I, Seville the Cat, might get in trouble for doin', of course.

MOUSES!

But back to the storm.  The storm I'M writin' about is not the snowin', rainin', windy kinda storm.  No sirree.  The storm I'M writin' about is the kind of storm when peeps like you freak out 'bout the silliest and stupidiest of things.

Is too.

Is too.

IS TOO, I tell you.  Stupidiest IS TOO a word.  I used it; I wrote it; it's right there in print for all to see.

MOUSES!

But back to that storm.

AGAIN.

The storm I'M writin' about is the pendin' storm I'm expectin' when you go into the kitchen and see what SOMEBODY did to the canister of flour.

Yup, that's right: white stuff all over the floor.

I'm tellin' ya, looks just like newly fallen snow.

And FYI, it wasn't me!

That canister is too heavy for me to knock over, you see.

And if you're lookin' for answers, Peepers, you should look no further than Peep #2.

I saw it happen and everythin'.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

ninety weeks

Now let's see...

There are seven days in a week...

Carry the one...

Three, four, five...  Other paw...  Six, seven...

Multiply the whole shebang by nine, and...

MOUSES!  That's a whole lotta cat seconds, for sure.  Four hundred and eighty-nine million, eight hundred and eighty-eight thousand of 'em, to be exact.

Give or take a few.

But like I said, MOUSES!

Yup, so the peeps and I have been dealin' with this ol' pandemic thingy here now for four hundred and eighty-nine million, eight hundred and eighty-eight thousand cat seconds; and I can tell you with absolute certainty that it's a whole lot harder on me than it is on them.  'Cause you know how it is, right?  Spendin' time with ME is pure and unadulterated JOY, so the peeps havin' to spend the last ninety weeks with me has been nothin' but a PLEASURE and PRIVILEGE for them.  Why, it's probably like bein' on vacation!

I, on the other paw...

Well my havin' to spend ninety weeks cooped up with a couple of good-for-nothin' peeps has been anythin' BUT pleasurable, for sure.

MOUSES!

And let me tell you somethin' else: Saffron agrees.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Maybe.

No, he's not inside yet.  But Peepers picks him up OUTSIDE all the time, now.  And when she does, she holds him tight and warms his paws and snuggles him and smothers him in kisses.

And she wonders why the cat refuses to come inside.

MOUSES!

The thing is...

The thing is, when peeps get bored, peeps persistently pester us unsuspectin' cats.  Yup, they grab us and cuddle us and cover us in kisses.  They get their ol' peep germs all over our beautiful furs.  It's totally disgusting and gross.  Generally speakin', those peeps are a pain in the...

Tail.

MOUSES!

And Saffron isn't helpin' matters, either.  That cat actually purrs when the peep gives him kisses.  That's right, he PURRS!

Silly ol' cat.

Then he squirms.  Squirms right outta her arms.  But the purrin' prior to the squirmin' sends mixed messages to the peep, and if there's one thing peeps don't understand, it's mixed messagin'.  I've tried to explain this to Saffron but so far it's done no good.  He's still purrin' when Peepers first picks him up.

Well just wait 'til he IS indoors.  That cat keeps purrin' like that and he's gonna end up smothered like no cat has ever been smothered in kisses before, for sure.  Death by a hundred kisses, or somethin' like that.

Oohhh...  That would be a good name for a book.  I must keep it in mind.

But back to the peep and her kisses.  Peepers keeps this up and in all likelihood, she's gonna get a good smacky-paw or two.  A peep can't keep accostin' a cat like that without some kinda retribution comin' her way.

*scratches behind an ear*

Perhaps I should remind Peepers what a smacky-paw feels like.  You know, so she's not too surprised when Saffron decides he's had enough of her kisses.  'Cause you know that's gonna happen, for sure.

What do you think?  Should I smack the ol' peep or not?

I'm sure she has it comin' for SOMETHIN'.  Peeps usually do.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Hey Peepers!  There's someone wantin' to see you at the back door.

What do you MEAN you're not expectin' anybody?  I wasn't expectin' anyone, either, but I still went to the door to see who was squawkin'.  And since I wasn't expectin' anyone, when I saw this guy at the door, my first response was to tell him to get lost.

So I did.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN tellin' guys at the door to get lost is bein' rude?  What do you mean?  It's not like YOU'VE never told someone waitin' at the door to bugger off, you know.  I've seen you do it.  MORE THAN ONCE.

Although you probably used nicer words.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, I told this guy to get lost, but he paid absolutely no attention to me.  He's still out there waitin' for you.

AND HE'S NOT WEARIN' A MASK, EITHER, SO BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

Gotta look out for my peep.

Oh, and Peepers?  Ummm...  Uh, if he happens to complain 'bout my throwin' a shoe at him, pay no attention to that.  That's nothin' but a lie, that is.  Nothin' but a lie!

It was merely a slipper.

MOUSES!

That reminds me; I must remember to ask Santa to bring Peepers a new pair of slippers for Christmas.

MOUSES!

So um...  What did he want?

What do you MEAN there was no one waitin' outside the door?  What do you mean?  He was there just a minute a go.

I'll be right back.

A cat has gotta do everythin' himself, 'round here.

MOUSES!

He's still there, all right.  You must be goin' blind.  Peepers, you need Santa to bring you a new pair of glasses, this year?  I'm writin' my letter to him this week so if you like, I can tack that onto the list.

AHHH...  That explains your not seein' him.  Well, that and your general lack of observational skills.  The guy is still standin' out there, Peepers, but he's not standin' on the mat.  Come with me and I can point him out.

There, Peepers.  There!  The guy is standin' right there.

No, not there.  THERE!  Look up.  Look way, way up.  Well not so far up that you're lookin' into the sky.  Just far enough up so that you're lookin' at the top of the fence.  See?  THERE!

Well yeah, that's the guy.  That there big ol' crow is the guy who has been at the back door, squawkin' up a storm 'bout his needin' a word with you.

No, he didn't call you by name.  But he sure as mouses wasn't wantin' to speak to me.

Least not after I threw that ol' shoe.

I MEAN, SLIPPER!

But all that aside, he's not wantin' to talk to me.  He's wantin' to talk to you, Peepers.  Like I said, he didn't call you by name but he did give a good description.  The silly ol' sod who fills the bird feeders, is what he said.  Oh, and something 'bout funny lookin' hair.

OBVIOUSLY, he's talkin' about you.

My fur is anythin' but funny.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, apparently you forgot to put bird food out back, this mornin', and the birds are anythin' but pleased.  In fact, that's why one of 'em is standin' out there at our back door wantin' to have a word in your ear.

Word...  Talk...  Squawk...  Whatever.

So I suggest you go do something about that.

And maybe first run a comb through that hair?

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.