what happens in Vegas...

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Right?

Right.

MOUSES!

Okay, so this didn't happen in Vegas.  Happened right here at my house.  My house here in Nova Scotia, Canada, that is.

MOUSES!

But the same principle applies.

Right?

Right.

MOUSES!

But on the other paw...

On the other paw, that would be wrong.

MOUSES!

'Cause the fact is, if peeps do stupid stuff...

And if I, Seville the Cat, should happen to see them doin' stupid stuff...

I'M GONNA TELL EVERYONE I KNOW.

'Cause that's the kinda cat I am.

MOUSES!

'Cause nobody - AND I DO MEAN NOBODY - is gonna put a muzzle on me.

What do you think I am?  A dog of some sort?

MOUSES!

So here's what happened the other day:  Peepers, bein' a peep, was walkin' around the yard with a cup of tea in her paw.

I mean, hand.

But there she was, walkin' about the garden, lookin' this way and that, when...

When she walked right smack dab into the hangin' glass bird bath.

MOUSES!

Water, water...  There was water, everywhere!

Well, maybe not everywhere.  Her shirt seemed to catch most of it, in fact.  She was drenched right down her front.

I didn't even know a bird bath could hold that much water.

MOUSES!

And, I am told, the whole moused-up incident left her with a headache of sorts.

She SAYS it's 'cause the bird bath hit her in the forehead.

I SAY, the bird bath didn't hit her, but rather, she hit it.

I also say that that tea must have been laced with somethin' stronger than tea leaves.

SHE SAYS it was not.

And truth be told, she is a bit of a klutz.  So perhaps it was all down to klutziness and whatnot.  Human, peepish kutziness and stuff.

But you'll never catch a cat doin' somethin' stupid like that.

MOUSES!

get a load of this

Hey Peepers!  PEEPERS!  Peepers, get over here.  Get a load of this.

MOUSES!

Just look at 'em, Peepers.  Just look at 'em!  Just sittin' there on that branch with with their mouths hangin' open wide, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

You what?  You think they're what?  You happen to think they are cute?

MOUSES!

Peepers, Peepers, Peepers...  Peepers, you should know by now what cute is and what cute isn't.  I, Seville the Cat, am cute.  My brother Saffy Saffron Sassifras is cute, too.  Cat videos are cute.  Bunnies can be cute.  Not as cute as cats, mind you, but they can still be pretty cute.  Same thing applies to raccoons.

 BUT CROWS?

Crows are not cute.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

You think those crows are sittin' there on that branch with their mouths hangin' open like that 'cause they're waitin' for their mommas and poppas to feed 'em?

Well THAT'S not very cute.  It's actually kinda rude.

PLUS, those don't look like baby birdies to me.  They're really pretty big.  They look kinda full grown.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

They get big, you say?  Baby crows can get pretty big?  Baby crows are still bein' looked after by their parents even when they look almost full grown?

Really?

MOUSES!

But what's with the sittin' there with their mouths hangin' open bit?

Oh yeah, you said they were waitin' for their parents to feed 'em.

Hmmm...

But their parents aren't comin' and givin' them food.  Their PARENTS are sittin' there on another branch, just ignoring 'em.  So what's that all about, huh?  Got an explanation for that, ol' peep of mine?

They're tryin' to teach their young to fend for themselves, huh?  Encourage 'em to fly down and grab some nosh all on their own.

Hmmm...

Well, I still say sittin' there on a branch like that with their mouths open wide looks really kinda rude.  Plus, goodness knows what might fly into those wide open mouths.  Maybe a fly, maybe a wasp, maybe a...

And you know somethin', Peepers?  If Saffy or I were to sit there with our mouths hangin' open like that, you'd probably tell us to close our mouths, pronto.  'Cause it's rude.  And unattractive, for sure.  And...

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHIN' ELSE, PEEPERS?  Neither Saffy nor I have ever just sat there expectin' food to magically appear out of nowhere.  We're perfectly capable of findin' our own fuds, to be sure.

Peepers, why are you lookin' at me like that?  Are you mockin' me, ol' peep of mine?  Can that possibly be true?

Or are you just passin' some gas?

Bwahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!

My gosh I crack myself up.

MOUSES!

But seriously, Peepers, neither Saffy nor I have ever behaved like those birdies up there.

MOUSES!

Peepers!  PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!

Peepers, I'm feelin' a tad peckish, over here.

You know, a few treats would be good.

Could you bring 'em a little closer?  Could you bring those treats over to me?

Yeah, right over here.  Right here by my paws.  Actually, just hold 'em up in front of me and I'll 'em out of your hand.

You know, so I don't have to strain myself by walkin' over to you or bendin' over to eat 'em from the floor.

Come on Peepers.  Hurry up with the treats.  I'm sittin' here, practically droolin', like a cat who hasn't seen fuds in all his nine lives.

And would you look at that.  Those crows are still sittin' there on that branch with their mouths hangin' open, wide.

You'd never see a cat doin' anythin' like that.

MOUSES!

it didn't end there

Now as you might remember from my last blog post, the other day, we had a chippy in the house.

Yup, that's right: a chippy was In. The. House.

MOUSES!

And of course, it was all Peepers' fault.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, the story didn't end there.  No siree, the story did not end with the chippy gettin' in the house.

Did I say gettin'?  Gettin' as in gettin' in?  I MEANT, with Peepers lettin' him in.

'Cause it's not like he broke in by pickin' the lock or smashin' down the door or anythin' like that.  That ol' chippy had an open invitation of sorts.  Not from me, of course, 'cause I'm not that stupid.  The open invitation was from the peep.  'Cause when a peep leaves a door open and there's a chippy runnin' about, ODDS ARE said chippy is gonna get in the house.

Which it did.

MOUSES!

So anyway....

So anyway, last I saw of that ol' chippy was him runnin' up the stairs.

Runnin'...  Jumpin'...  Leapin'...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

Then the next thing I knew, Peepers was shouting 'bout his bein' back downstairs.

MOUSES!

And then Peepers had the most brilliant idea.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that my peep doesn't usually have brilliant ideas.  And you know somethin', my friends?

You would be right.

MOUSES!

But every now and then, she just might.

We'll call it an anomaly of sorts.

Hey, even a broken clock can tell the right time twice a day.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, Peepers thought that if she were to leave the sunroom door open, the smell of the fresh air might entice the chippy to go in there.  Then she could close the door from the kitchen to the sunroom, and eventually - all claws crossed - the chippy might wander back outside.

Well!

Well things didn't go quite as planned.

MOUSES!

Sure enough, the chippy did eventually go into the sunroom.  And Peepers did close the kitchen door behind him.  But the thing was, that ol' chippy musta kinda liked the sunroom 'cause it looked like he was gonna hunker down and camp out in there.

All day.

All. Day. Long.

'Cept for the time when Peepers thought he had gone outside but hadn't, so when she opened the kitchen door, he got back in there for a bit, before she was able to herd him back into the sunroom again.

MOUSES!

But many hours later...

Many hours later, like about five or maybe six, the chippy was seen ACTUALLY leavin' the house.

Goodness knows how many other critters might have been in and out durin' that time but yes, said chippy DID get out.

And so far he hasn't returned!

I don't think.

MOUSES!

Now one might think the peep might have learned a lesson from all this chipmunk stuff.  Right?  Right.

WRONG!

Why just this mornin', I saw Peepers out on the veranda with birdies flittin' about, and the door behind her standin' ajar.

Woman never learned a darn thing, I'm afraid.

Luckily for Peepers, Saffy was at the door, standin' guard.

Well, droolin' really.  You know, droolin' at the thought of a nice little snack flyin' in.  Luckily for them, none of 'em did.

This time.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

picture it

Picture it: my house; couple days ago; total craziness, for sure.

MOUSES!

So it all started early Monday mornin' when Peepers put the heat on, upstairs.  She cranked it way, WAY up...

Okay, so she turned it up just a bit.  'Cause it was chilly, you see.  I didn't find it cold, of course, on account of my havin' such luxurious marmalade furs.  But peeps bein' peeps, are furless, you see.  They're more likely to feel the cold.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, Peepers turned the heat up just a tad, so that it would be warm in the house whilst we all had our brekkies and whatnot, before the sun warmed everythin' up.

Well!

Well no sooner had she turned up the heat but weird noises ensued.  There was tappin' and bangin'.  A metallic soundin' sound which was a VERY noisy noise, to be be sure.

It sounded like the hot water pipes that heat up the house were vibratin' this way and that, bangin' and crashin', and...

Okay, so more bangin' than crashin', but still...

But still, it was super scary, to be sure.

MOUSES!

Now thinkin' those hot water pipes might burst or quite frankly, just blow the mouses up, Peepers ran to turn the heatin' system right off.  She ran down to the basement to check on the furnace, then back up to upstairs.  Then onto the main floor in the kitchen.  And even though the furnace was now off, the tappin' and bangin' and whatnot continued.  Not non-stop, mind you, but every now and then we'd hear that metallic soundin' peckin', and...

And THAT'S when Peepers thought to herself: that peckin' kinda tappin' noise sounds vaguely familiar to me.

Hmmm...

So she did some investigatin' and do you know what she found?

Well!

Well, there were absolutely no noises in the basement near the furnace.  None whatsoever.  Lots of noises upstairs, but really, mainly at only the one end of the house.  And the noises were the loudest in the kitchen, of all places.  The kitchen!

Hmmm...

Yup, the noises were the loudest in the kitchen, right next to the itsy bitsy teeny weeny chimney.  The chimney we never use 'cause it used to be hooked up to a small wood stove the peeps had removed.  It just sits there, that ol' chimney does, occupyin' space.  Space that could be put to far better use, I suspect, but who knows, maybe it's actually holdin' up the house.

Maybe.

But anyway...

But anyway, Peepers then had one of her rare - VERY rare, I might add - moments of brilliance, and outta the house she ran.

NO, she wasn't fleein' an impendin' disaster.

I don't think.

Well outta the house ol' Peepers ran, as fast as her tootsies would travel.  Once out on the deck, she looked up.  Way, WAY up.  And what did she see?

A STUPID OL' WOODPECKER, peckin' or tappin' or doin' whatever woodpeckers do, on the metal cover that protects the top of that chimney.

MOUSES!

And so it went on, all mornin' and into the afternoon.  Every now and then, that ol' woodpecker would fly off but then he'd be back, and the noises would noisy up the whole house once more as he'd start woodpeckerin' all over again.

Apparently, the start of the noises with the turnin' on of the furnace was merely a coincidence.

MOUSES!

But later that day...

Later that day, whilst bringin' in her plants that had spent time outside on the deck, Peepers discovered a big ol' white stain on a pepper.

Yup, there was woodpecker poop on Peepers' potted pepper.  

Try sayin' THAT five times, quickly.

MOUSES!

The good news is, the heatin' system is fine.  The bad news is, two days later and I'm STILL hearin' her complain 'bout that bird poop.  Personally, I think she should be thankful the poop was on a potted pepper plant and not on a peep named Peppers.

I mean, Peepers.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

big ol' box

It's a box.  A big ol' box.  It's a big ol' box of birds.  Yup, it's a big ol' box of birds, to be sure.  It is most DEFINITELY a...

Okay, so it's really not all that big.

Actually...

Actually, it's really kinda small.

But it's definitely a box.

Of sorts.

And I'm absolutely certain it's full of birds.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, the other day, I happened to accidentally overhear...

Okay, so it actually wasn't accidental.  Truth be told, I kinda heard it on purpose.  'Cause...  Well...

Well, you know...

I was kinda eavesdroppin' on the peep.

MOUSES!

But when I happened to be accidentally eavesdropin' on Peepers...

Yeah, that works.  Accidental eavesdroppin'.  One can eavesdrop by accident, for sure.

So there I was, accidentally eavesdroppin' on Peepers, when I started hearin' these birds.  All kinds of birds.  There were cardinals and who knows what else.

The cardinals I recognised, you see, on account of our havin' some cardinals livin' around here, visitin' my garden and whatnot, at least a few times a week.  Plus, some guy mentioned they were cardinals I was hearin'.

Now we'll get back to who this guy was, later.  Well, we probably won't, on account of my havin' no idea who he was.  Or where he was, either.  Unless, of course, he too was in the box.  You know, the not-so-big, big ol' box of birds.

MOUSES!

But back to those birds in the box.

There were all sorts of birdies, singin' the songs birdies sing.  And they sounded so real.  They sounded so close.  They sounded like they were right there in the room.  Saffron was up on the bed and he was lookin' this way and that.  Lookin' for birds.  Lookin' where they might be.

But as wonderful as havin' a multitude of birdies flittin' around the house might sound, SADLY, there were no birdies to be found.  Not a single feathered friend was flittin' about.  Not even one.

*sighs*

AND THAT WAS BECAUSE...

THEY WERE ALL IN THE BOX.

MOUSES!

At least that's where they had to be, 'cause THAT'S from where their voices were emanating.  Their voices were comin' from that box.

Which made me kinda wonder...

HOW THE MOUSES DOES ONE FIT ALL THOSE BIRDIES IN ONE LITTLE BOX?

MOUSES!

Turns out, the box was actually a radio, and CBC was interviewin' some guy about callin' birds or bird calls or somethin' stupid like that.

And as Peepers explained it to Saffron and me...

THERE WEREN'T ANY  BIRDIES INSIDE THAT OL' BOX.

The radio, I mean.

Oh, the deceitfulness and trickery of peeps.

MOUSES!

And there I was thinkin' that that box was a meal delivery kit for Saffy and me.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

nothin' on TV

Gosh darn it, there's absolutely NOTHIN' to watch on TV.

MOUSES!

The Many Lives of Martha Stewart.

Hmmm...

Many lives?  Many?  Many as in more than one?  What do they think she is?  A cat?  A cat with nine lives?

MOUSES!

All Creatures Great and Small.

Hmmm...

Well I'm pretty great, and compared to most peeps, I guess I am kinda small.  That must be a show about me.

But I already know all about me.

MOUSES!

Law and Order Toronto: Criminal Intent.

Hmmm...

Toronto may be in Canada, but it's still really far away.  But I'm pretty sure that if I were to put my paw down, I could deal with any criminals there.  Give 'em a smacky-paw when needed or fling somethin' outta the litter box.

You know, that sorta thing.

So again, it's probably just another show about me.

And again, I already know all about me.

MOUSES!

News.

Hmmm...

Nah, there's never anythin' new on the news.  Same ol' stuff, day after day, year after year.  Life after life...  Just more peeps behavin' badly.  As badly as they can possibly be. 

That's one show that has NOTHIN' to do with me.

MOUSES!

But then there's Bird TV.

Oh sure, Bird TV has lots of repeats.  Crow Show: The Early Years;  Chickadee Chicks: Bathin' Suit Edition;  Morning Doves After Dark;  Blue Jays Gone Bad...

You know, that sorta thing.

And I guess some might say, if you've seen one, you've pretty much seem 'em all.

But you know somethin', my friends?  You know somethin'?  THOSE ARE THE KINDA SHOWS WORTH SEEIN' AGAIN!

And again.

And...  AGAIN.

And sometimes...

And sometimes, Bird TV airs other series from their affiliate networks.  Shows like The Karda...   I mean, The Squirrels.  Now THAT'S a nutty show worth watchin'.

MOUSES!

You know, I may have started this post thinkin' there was nothin' for a cat like me to watch on TV, but I have totally changed my mind about that, for sure.  TOTALLY!

I was just watchin' the wrong screen.  Instead of the television screen, I should have been lookin' out the window at all the glorious wonders of Bird TV.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

stupid peep

Stupid peep.

MOUSES!

HEY PEEPERS!  PEEPERS!

Are you deaf, woman?

PEEPERS!!!

Don't give me that look.  What did I say?

Well if you'd been payin' attention the FIRST time I called out your name, I wouldn't have had to have been yellin', now would I.

Not a question.  Statement of fact.

MOUSES!

What?

Oh yeah, I had somethin' to say.  And believe-you-me, that somethin' is super duper important, for sure.

So anyway...

So anyway Peepers, you went and hung that bird feeder up way, way, WAY too high.

You know the one.  The red one.  The one hangin' above the railin' on the veranda.

Why?  Why do I say it's too high?

Well...

Well Saffy Saffron Sassifras was watchin' some birdies flittin' about out there yesterday afternoon.  Why they were flittin' in this heat, I don't know, but that's birds for you, I guess.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, Saffron was watchin' them birdies and one of 'em flew right over to the feeder and sat on its edge.  And no sooner did he - or she, I didn't ask - land on the feeder, but Saffy was off like a flash.  Why Saffy was runnin' and jumpin' in this heat, I don't know, but that's a Saffy for you, I guess.

MOUSES!

But like I was sayin'...

Like I was sayin', Saffy jumped up onto the railin' with a mind to catchin' that birdie, but do you know what he found out?

Well DO you, Peepers?  DO you?  Do you know what my brother Saffy Saffron Sassifras found out?

Don't bother answerin', ol' peepsqueak of mine, for I shall be happy to give you the answer:  SAFFRON DISCOVERED THAT YOU, PEEPERS, HUNG THAT BIRD FEED UP WAY, WAY, WAY TOO HIGH.

No way, no how, can a kitty reach a birdie sittin' on a feeder hangin' up that high.

Not even when said kitty is up on the railin'.

Note to self: order another kitty-friendly stepladder on-line.  Last one mysteriously disappeared.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

suck-ups

I'm surrounded by suck-ups, my friends.  Surrounded by suck-ups, I say!

Yeah, you heard me right.  That's what I said.  I'm surrounded by....

NO!!!  No, I didn't say that.  What kinda cat do you think that I am?  S, not F.  It's an S!

Gentlecats such as myself don't use that nasty ol' word.

MOUSES!

My gosh, not only am I surrounded by suck-ups, but they're all hard of hearin' as well.

MOUSES!

So last night, I was in the family room mindin' my own business when all of a sudden Saffron walked in.  He went straight over to Peepers who was sittin' on the chesterfield with a blankie over her legs,  'cause you know, the nights have been gettin' chilly as of late.

So anyway, Saffy Saffron Sassafras went straight over to Peepers and curled up on the part of the blankie that was lyin' on the floor, snugglin' in between Peepers' two feet.  Then he started to purr.  And purr.  AND PURR.  And then when Peepers commented on how cute and lovin' he was bein', he purred even more!

I'm tellin' ya, he's a suck-up extraordinaire.

MOUSES!

And if that wasn't enough, Saffron then stretched out and rolled this way and that, reachin' out with his paws to wrap 'em around the peep's ankles and stuff, purrin' and purrin' all the time.

A suck-up, I tell you.  A SUCK-UP!

And then...

And then, even though it was past Peepers' bedtime, she sat there on that ol' chesterfield for like an hour or two more so as not to disturb the little suck-up, previously known as Saffron.

MOUSES!

And if that wasn't enough, this mornin' I happened to look out my office window and what did I see?  I saw the cat from across the street lyin' in my yard, rollin' around just like Saffy had the night before.

Yup, he was bein' a real suck-up, too.

AND THEN...

And then I noticed the birdies were flittin' about, showin' off their pretty colours, sweetly serenadin' the peep with their songs.

Stupid birdies.  They're nothin' but suck-ups, as well.

MOUSES!

Now this is a problem, my friends.  A very big problem, for sure.  The thing is, if the suck-ups surroundin' me continue to suck-up to the peep, I'm gonna have to start suckin' up, too.  And I don't wanna do that, you see, on account of if anyone is suckin' up to anyone else, those anyone elses should be suckin' up to ME.

Pretty sure there's a law about that.  If not, there should be.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

full of spunk

That darned cat is full of spunk.

Full of somethin', anyway.

But Peepers says it's spunk.  SAYS.  Jury is still out on that, I think.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, it's like this: Saffron has more energy than a million billion kajillion cats all put together.  It's a fact.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, the other day Saffy Saffron Sassafras was lyin' down in the front flower bed that has hardly any flowers right now on account of Peepers' slackin'.  But that's another story for another time, I suppose.  There bein' so few flowers out there - due to Peepers' peepified slackin' - that I can count 'em on my two front paws, I mean.  The bit 'bout Saffy Saffron Sassafras is the story I'm about to tell you right now.

MOUSES!

So there he was, lyin' there, watchin' birdies flit here and there and just about everywhere before landin' - more often than not - on the little tiered red bird feeder.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', how can a cat be full of spunk if he's just lyin' around, watchin' birdies fly past?

Well I'm gettin' to that!

MOUSES!

The thing is, there he was, lyin' there, doin' not much of anythin' but watchin' a little chickadee who had landed on one of the uh...  tiers of that tiered feeder, I suppose, when all of a sudden...

All of a sudden...

All of a sudden, that Saffy Saffron Sassafras leapt in the air and the next thing I knew, he was clutchin' the bottom tier of that tiered feeder with his front paws and swayin' in the wind.

I swear, it was like watchin' Kurt Browning serenely glidin' across the ice before, seemingly out of nowhere, landin' a quad.

MOUSES!

But back to that ol' brother of mine who, at that moment, was still clingin' to the bird feeder and swayin' in the wind.

"GET DOWN FROM THERE!" I yelled.  "GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!!!  PEEPERS SEES YOU BOTHERIN' THE BIRDIES AND NEITHER ONE OF US WILL HEAR THE END OF IT, FOR SURE."

Still swingin', Saffron glared at the birdie now sittin' on the roof of the house, safely out of harms way.  And I swear to you, my friends...  I SWEAR that little birdie was laughin' at him.

MOUSES!

Well long story short, Saffron let go of the bird feeder and landed on all four paws in the almost flowerless flower garden; the birdie got a good laugh; and I, my friends, gave my brother a good chewin' out, explainin' that at this house we cats are far too civilised to go 'round chasin' the birds.

No, I didn't chew him.  I didn't bite him at all!  It's an expression, you see, meanin' that...

Oh, you know what I mean.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

foul mood

Of all the nerve...

OF ALL THE NERVE...

My gosh that peep is rude.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', some peep has been rude to MY peep.  And you know what?

You would be wrong.

MOUSES!

While it's true that some peep MIGHT have been rude to my peep, I try not to concern myself with such mundane matters.  Peepers has gotta learn to stand up for herself, you see, and what better way for her to stand up for herself than to stand up to peeps who would be rude?

MOUSES!

No, rude peeps are only of a concern to me when they're bein' rude to me and the fact of the matter is, MY peep was incredibly rude to me early this mornin'.  She was rude to Saffy, too, but you know... Stuff happens.

MOUSES!

So how was ol' Peepers rude to Saffron and me, you ask?

Well...

Well she wasn't so much rude as she was...

Nope, she was rude.

MOUSES!

Okay, so I'll tell you what happened.  I asked Peepers a question and she up and left the room.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

Okay, so TECHNICALLY she was actually already on her way outside when I was askin' her the question, and it is quite possible she didn't hear me ask it, but still...

RUDE.

MOUSES!

The real problem is, Peepers was in a foul mood this mornin'.  Foul as foul can be.  Foul as a hen house full of chickens, she was.

MOUSES!

So apparently...

Apparently we had a visitor last night.  Maybe two.  Maybe three!  And you know what?  You know what those visitors did?

Well they didn't bring me prezzies and THAT is rude, too.

MOUSES!

And not only did they not bring me, Seville the Cat, a prezzie, they left behind a right ol' mess.  The bird feeder hangin' from the veranda was down on the ground; empty of all its seed AND, turns out, the metal cord thingy from which it hangs has been broken beyond repair.

Yeah, when Peepers re-filled the knocked down feeder only to discover it couldn't be hung up again, she stomped off in ANOTHER rage, for sure.

And the metal stand thingy with all the hooks, the one in the middle of the front lawn, was also knocked down; but Peepers managed to get it back up, even though one of the prong leg thingies was all bent out of shape.

That made her foulness all the more foul, if you can believe she could get even fouler.

Oh, and the two acorn feeders hangin' from said metal stand thingy with all the hooks?  The two acorns that are Peepers' very favourite bird-feeders of all time on account of their bein' so cute?

Well...

Well...

Well one she found halfway across the lawn.

MOUSES!

And the other one...

The other one...

THE OTHER ONE...

THE OTHER ONE looks like it was trampled by a stampede, is completely bent out of shape - like Peepers, herself, I believe - and is totally, utterly, unreservedly unusable and unfillable, not to mention useless, to be sure.

Yup, the thing is as flat as a pancake, she said.

MOUSES!

And just who were these visitors, you ask?  And ask you might, on account of my havin' asked the very same question, although an answer I did not get.

Yeah, that was about the time Peepers so rudely stomped outta the house.

MOUSES!

Well my first guess was a neighbour.  Some of 'em have found out they appear in my book - YES, I am still workin' on that - and are none-too-pleased 'bout the fact, you see.

But then I thought, why would a neighbour wanna give me EVEN MORE fodder for my book?  That would be stupid beyond belief.

So then I thought perhaps it was an alien workin' on crop circles who took a wrong turn.

But that made no sense once I rethunk it.

Rethunk...

MOUSES!

Then rocky raccoons came to mind.  They've had their eyes on those bird feeders for a while now.  But could a raccoon, even a chubby one, squish a metal acorn feeder like that?

Probably not.

So now I'm wonderin'...

NOW I'M WONDERIN'...

NOW I'M WONDERIN' if it was that big ol' bear some peeps have seen wanderin' about.  Could that bear have been visitin' my house late last night?

And if so, WHY THE MOUSES DIDN'T HE BRING ME PREZZIES?  ARE BEARS NOT TAUGHT PROPER ETIQUETTE WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG?

Who the mouses goes to dinner at someone's house without bringin' a gift for the host!

Of all the nerve.

A little bottle of nip wine would have been nice.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Hey Peepers!  There's someone wantin' to see you at the back door.

What do you MEAN you're not expectin' anybody?  I wasn't expectin' anyone, either, but I still went to the door to see who was squawkin'.  And since I wasn't expectin' anyone, when I saw this guy at the door, my first response was to tell him to get lost.

So I did.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN tellin' guys at the door to get lost is bein' rude?  What do you mean?  It's not like YOU'VE never told someone waitin' at the door to bugger off, you know.  I've seen you do it.  MORE THAN ONCE.

Although you probably used nicer words.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, I told this guy to get lost, but he paid absolutely no attention to me.  He's still out there waitin' for you.

AND HE'S NOT WEARIN' A MASK, EITHER, SO BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

Gotta look out for my peep.

Oh, and Peepers?  Ummm...  Uh, if he happens to complain 'bout my throwin' a shoe at him, pay no attention to that.  That's nothin' but a lie, that is.  Nothin' but a lie!

It was merely a slipper.

MOUSES!

That reminds me; I must remember to ask Santa to bring Peepers a new pair of slippers for Christmas.

MOUSES!

So um...  What did he want?

What do you MEAN there was no one waitin' outside the door?  What do you mean?  He was there just a minute a go.

I'll be right back.

A cat has gotta do everythin' himself, 'round here.

MOUSES!

He's still there, all right.  You must be goin' blind.  Peepers, you need Santa to bring you a new pair of glasses, this year?  I'm writin' my letter to him this week so if you like, I can tack that onto the list.

AHHH...  That explains your not seein' him.  Well, that and your general lack of observational skills.  The guy is still standin' out there, Peepers, but he's not standin' on the mat.  Come with me and I can point him out.

There, Peepers.  There!  The guy is standin' right there.

No, not there.  THERE!  Look up.  Look way, way up.  Well not so far up that you're lookin' into the sky.  Just far enough up so that you're lookin' at the top of the fence.  See?  THERE!

Well yeah, that's the guy.  That there big ol' crow is the guy who has been at the back door, squawkin' up a storm 'bout his needin' a word with you.

No, he didn't call you by name.  But he sure as mouses wasn't wantin' to speak to me.

Least not after I threw that ol' shoe.

I MEAN, SLIPPER!

But all that aside, he's not wantin' to talk to me.  He's wantin' to talk to you, Peepers.  Like I said, he didn't call you by name but he did give a good description.  The silly ol' sod who fills the bird feeders, is what he said.  Oh, and something 'bout funny lookin' hair.

OBVIOUSLY, he's talkin' about you.

My fur is anythin' but funny.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, apparently you forgot to put bird food out back, this mornin', and the birds are anythin' but pleased.  In fact, that's why one of 'em is standin' out there at our back door wantin' to have a word in your ear.

Word...  Talk...  Squawk...  Whatever.

So I suggest you go do something about that.

And maybe first run a comb through that hair?

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

exit polls

Hey ho, Sivvers the Cat here, givin' you a play by play report on the Canadian 2021 Federal Election.

Results are comin' in, my friends.  They're comin' in, fast and furious, they are.  I've got my best peeps...  I mean, CATS.  I've got my best CATS on the job, mannin'....  I mean, CATTIN' the polls.  Nerissa's Life is here givin' you firstpaw results from the official exit polls.

That's right, my friends, Saffron and I are here at the polls, doin' the ol' exit poll thingy.  You know, askin' peeps for whom they voted.  And we're relayin' the numbers to you LIVE! from Nerissa's Life Election Central.

MOUSES!

Okay, so when I say peeps, I actually mean cheeps.

And when I say for whom, I actually mean for what.

MOUSES!

Yes, Saffron and I are here at Nerissa's Life Election Central, askin' the birdies for what kinda bird seed they voted, 'cause Peepers is puttin' up their feeders for the fall of 2021.

And we're bringin' those results to you, LIVE!

MOUSES!

Hello there Mr. Chickadee...

Mister?  Hmmm...  You may, in fact, be a Mrs.

HEY!  YOU!  Yeah, you.  You, the chickadee.  Will you kindly tell our viewers from LIVE! at Nerissa's Life Election Central, for what bird seed you voted, this year?

Uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  Yup, uh-huh.  Okay, can you repeat that, please, Sir?  Ma'am?  Whatever.  Can you please repeat what you just said?  I didn't quite catch it on account of your havin' that ol' black-oiled sunflower seed stuck in your beak, and....

OHHHH....

Okay, I get it now.

MOUSES!

To all our viewers out there, Mr. or Mrs. Chickadee voted for the black-oiled sunflower seeds.

Now I can see a big ol' blue jay over there, tossin' bird seed out of the feeder, down onto the veranda floor.  Normally, I would approach that big ol' blue jay and ask him or her for what seed he or she voted, but on account of...

Well...

Did I mention he was BIG?

Yeah, on account of him bein' a REALLY BIG bird, I'm just gonna do a little investigatin' on the ground here, and...

Okay, the big ol' blue jay has been chuckin' out the millet and canary seed and stuff.  I think it's safe to say that with my INVESTIGATIVE REPORTIN' SKILLS, we can conclude the big ol' blue jay voted for the sunflower seeds and peanuts.

That's right, my friends.  That's right!  The big ol' blue jay voted for TWO things.

HE VOTED TWICE!

Calm down, calm down out there.  I know no one is supposed to vote twice, but...

Well...

Did I mention he was BIG?

MOUSES!

Now onto Mr Woodpecker.  Mr Woodpecker, sir!  SIR!  Yeah, you.  You up there.  You.

Can you stop that peckin' there, Sir?  Please?  I CAN'T HEAR YOU ON ACCOUNT OF THE DIN OF YOUR PECK, PECK, PECKIN' AT THAT FEEDER!!!

NO, I'M NOT COMIN' UP THERE, TO YOU.  I'M NOT COMIN' UP THERE, AT ALL.  I'M A CAT, YOU SEE, AND WE CATS CAN'T FLY.  I NEED YOU TO COME ON DOWN HERE, TO ME.

*Mr Woodpecker flutters to the ground*

Thank you for givin' us a moment of your time, Sir.  Thank you for agreein' to appear here LIVE! on Nerissa's Life Election Central.  Will you please tell my viewers for what bird seed you voted?

Not seed, but suet, you say?

Hmmm...

Was suet even on the ballot?

Really!

Wow.

Okay folks, we appear to have found someone who did the ol' write-in ballot thingy.  Not sure it's gonna count as Canadian Federal Elections don't allow for write-in ballots but hey, birds will be birds, I suppose.

They're known to be flighty.

MOUSES!

And now, movin' ahead to the....

What?  You're no birdie there, Sir.  You, Sir, are a squirrel, AND SQUIRRELS AREN'T ELIGIBLE TO VOTE, you see, and...

Hey...  HEY!  Stop that.  STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!  I SAID STOP!!!

And now all your friends are comin' to join in on this assault?  And....  Stop, I tell you.  STOP!!!

Grab the cameras, Saffron.  We're high-tailin' it - LITERALLY! - into the house before we get pelted with any more acorns, by this maraudin' gang of squirrels.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, MY FRIENDS.  THAT WAS ME, SEVILLE THE CAT, BRINGIN' YOU THE LATEST  EXIT POLL NEWS HERE AT LIVE! at Nerissa's Life Election Central.......

Ouch!  That last acorn got me on the nose.

Stupid squirrels.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

seventy-six weeks

Let's see, carry the one...  Add the six.  Now multiple by twenty-four...  Add the...  No, scratch that, multiply by sixty, and...  Hmmm...  Oh, multiply that by nine!  And...

MOUSES that's a lotta seconds; cat seconds or not.

Cat seconds are nine times peep seconds on account of us cats havin' nine lives, you see.

So there you have it; I've been stuck here with these peeps for four hundred and thirteen million, six hundred and eighty-three thousand, two hundred cat seconds, now.

MOUSES!

And what have I learned durin' that time?

Nothin'.  Absolutely bloomin' nothin'.  Except...

Except I can now say with one hundred and ninety-nine percent certainty that bein' stuck in a house with a couple of good-for-nothin' peeps for four hundred and thirteen million, six hundred and eighty-three thousand, two hundred cat seconds, is...

IS A PAIN IN THE TAIL, FOR SURE.

MOUSES!

And apparently I'm not alone in thinkin' like that.  The other day, I realised I hadn't seen my pals the goldfinches for a while.  They used to be around all the time, stoppin' by to say hi and don't eat me 'cause I'm your friend, and whatnot; but lately I haven't seen 'em at all!

Peepers SAYS they must be gettin' their fuds elsewhere and therefore not needin' to come so close to the house.

I SAY, THEY'RE PROBABLY SICK AND TIRED OF HAVIN' HAD TO SPEND THE LAST SEVENTY-SIX PANDEMIC-FILLED WEEKS WITH TWO GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN' PEEPS.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

WELL PLANT THE WEEDY SEEDY FLOWERS CLOSER TO THE HOUSE, THEN!

My gosh, it's like I have to explain everythin'.

MOUSES!

So Peepers is CLAIMING the goldfinches are probably gettin' seeds nature has provided, BUT I STILL SAY they're tryin' to avoid the peep.  I mean, if I were a bird, I'd be tryin' to avoid the peeps, too.  As a cat I try to avoid 'em, and would very much like to avoid 'em even more, but there are limits to my avoidance abilities, like...

Like the fact that peeps have opposeable thumbs useful for openin' tins.

MOUSES!

I NEED my birdie pals around to help me deal with the emotional trauma of havin' these peeps on my paws all the time!  But the birdies are nowhere to be seen.  What is a kitty supposed to do?

What to do, what to do...

I KNOW!

*snaps claws*

It's time to take matters into my own four paws, my friends.  Time to order me up a new bird feeder, or two.

I can stick a bow on it and give it to Peepers for her birthday.  I'll tell her I ordered it just for her.

Thank goodness for on-line, pandemic...  Scratch that.  I mean, thank goodness for on-line shoppin' for cats when said cats aren't allowed in the store, anymore.

Stupid, rude store.  Imagine not lettin' me shop there in purrson.

Last time I quality test all their catnip toys for free.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.