nothin' on TV

Gosh darn it, there's absolutely NOTHIN' to watch on TV.

MOUSES!

The Many Lives of Martha Stewart.

Hmmm...

Many lives?  Many?  Many as in more than one?  What do they think she is?  A cat?  A cat with nine lives?

MOUSES!

All Creatures Great and Small.

Hmmm...

Well I'm pretty great, and compared to most peeps, I guess I am kinda small.  That must be a show about me.

But I already know all about me.

MOUSES!

Law and Order Toronto: Criminal Intent.

Hmmm...

Toronto may be in Canada, but it's still really far away.  But I'm pretty sure that if I were to put my paw down, I could deal with any criminals there.  Give 'em a smacky-paw when needed or fling somethin' outta the litter box.

You know, that sorta thing.

So again, it's probably just another show about me.

And again, I already know all about me.

MOUSES!

News.

Hmmm...

Nah, there's never anythin' new on the news.  Same ol' stuff, day after day, year after year.  Life after life...  Just more peeps behavin' badly.  As badly as they can possibly be. 

That's one show that has NOTHIN' to do with me.

MOUSES!

But then there's Bird TV.

Oh sure, Bird TV has lots of repeats.  Crow Show: The Early Years;  Chickadee Chicks: Bathin' Suit Edition;  Morning Doves After Dark;  Blue Jays Gone Bad...

You know, that sorta thing.

And I guess some might say, if you've seen one, you've pretty much seem 'em all.

But you know somethin', my friends?  You know somethin'?  THOSE ARE THE KINDA SHOWS WORTH SEEIN' AGAIN!

And again.

And...  AGAIN.

And sometimes...

And sometimes, Bird TV airs other series from their affiliate networks.  Shows like The Karda...   I mean, The Squirrels.  Now THAT'S a nutty show worth watchin'.

MOUSES!

You know, I may have started this post thinkin' there was nothin' for a cat like me to watch on TV, but I have totally changed my mind about that, for sure.  TOTALLY!

I was just watchin' the wrong screen.  Instead of the television screen, I should have been lookin' out the window at all the glorious wonders of Bird TV.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

it's embarrassin'

I said, it's embarrassin'.

Peepers, I SAID, it's embarrassin'.

I SAID, IT'S EMBARRASSIN'!

Because it is.

Is too.

IS too.

MOUSES!

My gosh, a kitty has to say somethin' like a million gazillion times before said kitty's peep understands.

Even when said kitty is statin' the obvious.

MOUSES!

Peepers, word on the street is, I'm livin' in a zoo.  And let me tell you somethin', ol' peep of mine: cats and dogs in the neighbourhood callin' my house a zoo is embarrassin'.

MOUSES!

Why just this mornin'...

Just this mornin', I looked out the front window over at the red glass bird feeder in which you put the sunflower seeds, and what did I see?  I saw a long dark tail hangin' down from the top dish.  And in case you were wonderin', no, it wasn't Saffron's.  That tail belonged to one of those big dark grey squirrels, it did.  Yup, a big dark grey squirrel must have managed to scale the shepherd's hook thingy and jump from the stand to the top glass dish, before settlin' in for a mid-mornin' snack.  And you know what, ol' peep of mine?  You know what?

THAT'S EMBARRASSIN'.

It is so embarrassin', on account of other cats in the neighbourhood chasin' squirrels and things, keeping 'em out of their yards.  But I, Seville the Cat - bein' the GentleCat I am, and not really likin' the idea of gettin' my own paws dirty - don't.

Plus, they can be kinda fun to watch.

BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT ALL THE NEIGHBOURHOOD CATS ARE LAUGHIN' AT ME BEHIND MY BACK, SAYIN' I'VE LOST CONTROL OF MY OWN GARDEN AND HOUSE, AND AM TOO LAZY OR SCARED TO CHASE AWAY A FEW SQUIRRELS.

MOUSES!

And don't get me started on the neighbourhood raccoons.  They're menaces, they are.  Diggin' up this and diggin' up that.  They never dig up my catnip, of course, on account of the agreement I made 'em sign; but OTHER CATS in the neighbourhood are sayin' I'm too scared to chase 'em away, too.

Okay, so it's really the neighbourhood dogs that started that rumour, but still...

But still, it's embarrassin', I say.  EMBARRASSIN'!

And then there are the birds.

Okay, so I quite enjoy watchin' the birdies flit here and there and just about everywhere, but one of 'em pooped on Saffron's head the other day and...

Okay, so that was part of the show and quite honestly, THE BEST BIRD TV I've seen in years, so...

So even though gettin' pooped on by a bird might have been embarrassin' for Saffy, it wasn't for me.

MOUSES!

But I can't have the neighbourhood cats laughin' at me behind my back!  So it's like this, Peepers...  It's like this: YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING 'BOUT THE SQUIRRELS AND RACCOONS AND ANY OTHER CRITTERS OUT THERE 'CAUSIN' A RUCKUS.  Okay?  Okay.

'Cept for the birdies, of course, on account of my wantin' to see the sequel to Poop on Saffy's Head.

What?  What's that, Saffron?

Excuse me a mo there, Peepers.  Saffron has somethin' to say.

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?  THAT'S BRILLIANT, THAT IS.  BRILLIANT!

Change of plans, there, Peepers.  The neighbourhood wildlife can stay.  What I now need you to do is print me up some tickets.  Yup, lots and lots of tickets.  Ten bucks a pop and cats, dogs, and peeps can all watch birdies poop on Saffron's head.

What's that, Saffron?

Okay, so Saffy doesn't actually want a repeat performance of the poopin' business, but facts are facts, and the fact of the matter is: THAT'S GONNA BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE PROGRAM.  No way, no how, are we cuttin' that bit.

My gosh, even I'LL buy a ticket to see that and I don't need tickets on account of the fact that I'm puttin' myself in charge of  this here show.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

Zzzz...

 

CLEAR THE DECK!

We've got a mournin' dove cleared for a landin'.

MOUSES!

I swear, it's like JFK and Grand Central Station out there, all rolled into one.

MOUSES!

So I was lookin' out the livin' room window earlier, wantin' to see if my sister-to-be, Saffron, was anywhere to be found, when what did my little eyes see?

Well, not Saffron, I'm afraid.  Oh, she had been there earlier, for sure.  Plates with the fanciest of the feasts had been licked clean, although much of the dry kibble was untouched.

Peepers adds a few temptin' treats to the bowl with the kibble, you see, and Saffron, bein' a very smart girl...

OF COURSE she's smart.  After all, she's gonna be MY sister.  MOUSES!

...eats the treats and leaves the kibble behind.

MOUSES!

But anyway, even though Saffron wasn't about, the veranda was still filled with activity.  And when I say, filled, I mean, FILLED.  It's like a MADHOUSE out there, to be sure.

We've got mourin' doves and some kinda black birds who like to eat off the ground.  Peepers doesn't actually put bird seed on the ground for 'em, but the blue jays knock seed from the feeders down, and the ground eaters eat it right up.  Then there are finches of some sort and tonnes of chickadees about.  Oh, and every now and then, a woodpecker.  Believe it or not, I've even seen crows.

And those are just the birdies.  Or the flyin' maraudin' critters, as I say.

On the ground we have squirrels.  Big black ones and grey ones, as well as the little red guys, all runnin' about.  There are chippies out there, too.  And every now and then, a mouse.

Okay, so I haven't personally seen any mice runnin' about, but...

But the other day, Peepers was out there sweepin' up sunflower seed shells and found a dead mouse.  It was sad and we held quite an elaborate funeral, and...

Okay, so actually, Peepers just wrapped the little guy up in a paper towel and gently placed him under a big tree, out in the woods.

WE THINK the mouse was left by Saffron.  Not sure if she caught it before decidin' she'd rather eat the yummy fuds Peepers puts out for her, or...

Or if it was a gift.

For Peepers.

MOUSES!

Quite literally, too.  You know, since the gift was a mouse.

MOUSES!

But anyway, with all the ground and air activity goin' on out there, there's never a dull moment for a kitty like me, EVEN IF I DON'T wanna actually go outside.  No sirree.  I can just hang out in the big livin' room chair and watch bird and squirrel TV for hours on end.

Until I get tired.

Until I get sleepy.

Until I get...

*yawns*

Zzzzzzzz.............

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

you know dasher...

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and...

NO...  No, I'm not singin' Christmas carols in September.  Would I, Seville the Cat, do somethin' like that?

Well actually, I kinda am.  Heheheheheh...  Yup, I was kinda hummin' along to that song, but...

BUT I'M SINGIN' IT FOR REASONS TOTALLY UNRELATED TO CHRISTMAS.

MOUSES!

The thing is, I was watchin' some squirrels this mornin' - and FYI, squirrels are not really Christmassy - and I've come to the conclusion that they...

Well...

Prance.  You know, as in Prancer.

Yup, they do.  And they dash, as in Dasher, too!

As for the dancin', they leave that to the peep.

That is if you wanna call what she does dancin'.  It's really more like stickin' a leg out here, an arm out there, and spinnin' around a bit on occasion.  She thinks it's dancin' on account of her makin' those stupid lookin' movements to music, but the thing is...

THERE'S NO MUSIC TO BE HEARD!

Nope, not a sound.  There's not a single, solitary note to be found.

Apparently, the music is all in her head.

I sure do hope that the imaginary music sounds better than those dance moves of hers, look.

MOUSES!

But back to the dashin' and prancin' of squirrels.

Those squirrels are quite the characters to watch, you know.  They leap and bound across the front lawn, which would normally bother me on account of their trespassin' ON MY PROPERTY, but they're so funny to watch, I'm not plannin' on pressin' any charges.

Charges of trespassin', that is.

But one more acorn to the head, and I'll be callin' the RCMP to press charges for assault, for sure.

Well actually, I'm not too worried 'bout when they toss acorns at the peep's head.  I'm not gonna bother goin' to the police about that.

Hahahahaha....

But if they start tossin' acorns at ME, that's totally different, for sure.

MOUSES!

Hmmm...  Now that I think about it, I have to wonder if all those acorns Peepers has taken to the head have anythin' to do with the imaginary musicians she has livin' in there.

Could be.

MOUSES!

But back to the squirrels.  Again.  Like I was sayin', they've been racin' back and forth, and forth and back, and back and forth again across MY FRONT YARD, like runnin' back and forth is goin' outta style.  You should see 'em!  They've been leapin in the air like horsies doin' the ol' steeplechase thing.  Then when they reach the base of a tree, they dash up it, toss a few acorns at the peep is she's out and about, then do a little dance...

OH MY MOUSES!  The squirrels DO dance!  It's true.  Yeah, they do a little dance up on the branches of the tree after tossin' acorns at the peep and before dashin' back down to start their prancin' steeplechase all over again.

Well I'll be...

Have to wonder, though.  Do squirrels hear imaginary music in their heads like the peep hears in hers while she totally embarrasses herself - and more importantly, ME - while doin' what she thinks is dancin'?

Yup, one has to wonder, for sure.

I'd ask her myself, but the last time I commented on her "dancing," she gave me dirty looks for like a week.

Not MY fault she sucks as a dancer.  Nope, not my fault, at all.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to MASK UP, too.

the cheek of it

You know, peeps SAY we should turn the other cheek.

Yup, they say that all the time.  They claim it's the best thing to do.  I've heard my peep say it like twenty-nine million times, times two!

So...

So I asked that squirrel sittin' out on my veranda to turn the other cheek, and what did he do?

Well he turned right 'round and I saw that his SECOND cheek was as pudgy as his first.

Oh, the cheek of it.

MOUSES!

Okay, so MAYBE that wasn't the kinda cheek turnin' Peepers had in mind, but...

But...

Ohhh....  Whatever.

MOUSES!

So you all know 'bout the bird feeder business out on our veranda, right?  The bird feeders the birds WERE ignorin' but are now comin' to in droves?

Well...

Well now we've got squirrels.

MOUSES!

Now don't get me wrong.  We've ALWAYS had squirrels.  Little red ones, big grey and black ones, etc, etc, etc...

But NEVER BEFORE did they come this close to me and my house!

MOUSES!

The other day, I was lookin' out the livin' room window and down on the ground, right below one of the feeders, was this big ol' grey squirrel.  He sat there for the longest time, his tail all puffed out like a powder puff on steroids, stuffin' his face with bird seed.

Yup, that's what he was doin' all right.  He was eatin' the seeds the birdies had spilled, for those little gold finches are a messy lot, indeed.  Seems there are some seeds they like better than others, and when they come across one they don't like, they spit it out on the ground.

I'm tellin' ya, if my table manners were that bad, ol' Peepers would be havin' connptions and fits.

MOUSES!

But back to that squirrel.

So anyway, there he was, eatin' and eatin' and EATIN' all the bird seed on the ground.  Stuffin' his face like a Thanksgivin' turkey.

On steroids.

MOUSES!

And for the nine lives of me, I HAVE NO IDEA how he fit it all in!

Yup, it was that bad.

MOUSES!

So I called ol' Peepers to the window and pointed down at the ground.  I told her she was gonna have to do something 'bout that squirrel and she was gonna have to do somethin' fast, OR I WAS GONNA GO OUT THERE and do somethin' myself.

But do you know what?

She thought that ol' stupid squirrel was cute.

Oh, the cheek of it.

MOUSES!

help!

Help!  HELP!  I've fallen, and I can't get up.

Nah, although it sounds good, it's not exactly right.

Help!  HELP!  I've uh...

Um...

I uh...

I climbed up a tree and now I can't get down?

Well it's a little closer to the truth, I suppose.  Doesn't quite have the same ring to it though, you know?

MOUSES!

Plus, like my earlier cry, it's not havin' the desired effect.

MOUSES!

Help!  HELP!  PEEPERS!  Oh for mousin' out loud, Peepers.  Here.  HERE!  Here, Peepers, look over here.  I'M OVER HERE!  Quit callin' my name to goodness knows who and turn yourself around to look behind you.  I'M. RIGHT. HERE. 

MOUSES!

Okay, so now that I have your attention...

Look Peepers, I wasn't intentionally ignoring you when you were calling my name, earlier.  I would have come to you the first time you called 'cept for the fact that I was stuck up here on this fence thing and uh...

Um...

And I couldn't get down.

MOUSES!


Why am I stuck up here on this fence-like thing, you ask?

Well...

Well there was a squirrel, you see.

'Nough said.

MOUSES!

No, I have no idea where said squirrel is now.  Once I got up here on this fence, I had more important things to worry 'bout than where that ol' squirrel had gone.

Like what?  Like what what?  Oh...  I see.  You mean, like what kinda more important things were on mind.

Well...

Well like gettin' back down.

'Nough said.

MOUSES!

So Peepers, it's like this.  Yes, I would gladly come inside for my breakkies.  So nice of you to come out here and let me know it's ready.  But I'm at a bit of an impasse, you see.

So uh...

Um...

SO GET YOUR TAILLESS BUTT OVER HERE AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL LIKE HELPING ME DOWN.

MOUSES!

Whew.  That's better.  For a minute there, I thought I was gonna be stuck up on that fence thing for the rest of my life.  I thought I was NEVER gonna get down.  I thought...


Well...

Well I'm not gonna tell you exactly what I thought, but know this: I'm never gonna go back up there on that fence thing again.  No sirree, for I, Seville the Cat, am no fool.  I'm not gettin' myself stuck up there again.  I'm not...

Oohhh...  Look, a squirrel!  Peepers, set me down, would ya?  That squirrel is just BEGGIN' me to chase him, for sure.

MOUSES!

pass me a drink

Can someone please pass me a drink?

Nip on the rocks would be nice, but if you don't have that, a niptini will do.  Extra nip, if you please.  Thanks.

Here Peepers, get this down ya.  See if it makes you feel any better.

MOUSES!

Hmmm...  You know, if I were pawed a nip on the rocks by an ever-so-thoughtful marmalade kitty, I would be sure to say thank you.

MOUSES!

What are those green flecks floatin' around in the glass, you ask?  Why, that's the nip, of course.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, I have another tale to tell you, my friends, 'bout the critters livin' around and about my house.

Actually, "tale" is not a good word for me to use, as everythin' I'm about to tell you is...

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE.

No fake news or alternative facts here.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, yesterday, the peep was doin' somethin' with her plants.  I don't know exactly what.  She was moving 'em about or somethin' weird like that.  You know, weird stuff like peeps do.

Now these plants aren't planted in the ground.  No sirree.  These plants are still in flats and pots and things.  They're out on the driveway, which is why the peep was doin' whatever weird stuff she was doin', while standin' on the driveway, herself.

Now I, Seville the Cat, was up at the family room window, observin' the peep.  It's best to observe from a distance, I find.  You're less likely to be contaminated with peep weirdness that way.  Andy, never one to be concerned with peep weirdness contamination, was at the side door, just sittin' there, doin' whatever Andys do, which would be pretty much nothin'.  Nothin' good, anyway, and that is for sure.  Mason was sniffin' some lemon balm.  Why, I don't know.  I mean, the stuff reeks of stinky ol' lemons.  It's a definite ewww...

Well the peep was just about to bend down and pick up a plant when she noticed a very big - one might even say, HUGE - grey squirrel runnin' toward her.  He...  She?  Don't know, to be honest, as I didn't ask, and quite frankly, the boy squirrels look just like the girls to us cats.

I suppose the squirrels can tell the difference but seriously, it's really not pertinent to my story.

MOUSES!

So anyway, this squirrel dude - or gal - comes runnin' up to the peep and stops 'bout...  'Bout six feet away.  Which would be less than one foot away from my sister, Mason.  But Mason was so intent on the smellin' of the lemon balm, she didn't even notice the squirrel at first.

Andy spotted the squirrel right away, but did he move?  Ha!  Did he run and chase the squirrel?  HA!

Nope, no sirree.  Andy, bein' an Andy, just sat there and yawned.

Yes, yawned.  A borin' ol' yawn was all Andy could muster.  A yawn!

MOUSES!

Then Mason came out of her lemon-balm sniffin' trance and turned around.  Looked right at the squirrel.  Right in his eyes.  And then...

Then she went back to the lemon balm which, I might add, stinks.  Did I happen to mention that?  That ol' lemon balm stinks to high heaven, just like stinky ol' lemons.

MOUSES!

Now the peep...  Well the peep just stood there, lookin' at the squirrel.  The squirrel stood his - her? - ground and looked right back at the peep.

Clearly, the peep is not a threat to the local wildlife.

And apparently, neither are we cats.

MOUSES!

Seriously, my friends, that ol' squirrel wasn't the least bit afraid of my lemon balm sniffin' sister, nor my full of yawns brother which, when you think about it, is probably a good thing.  You know, on account of when the grey squirrels get upset 'round here, they tend to hurl objects at the peep.

Remember the Great Acorn Incident of 2016?

MOUSES!

But back to the present and my peep.

So the peep watched as the squirrel took a few steps closer.  Now these were squirrel steps, mind you.  Squirrel steps aren't that big so really, he - she? - didn't travel all that far.

But he travelled far enough, to...

To grab a big ol' juice strawberry from a strawberry plant before turnin' and carryin' it off.

MOUSES!

Now the peep, bein' a peep, was totally annoyed.  Why, I don't know, on account of strawberries bein' right up there in the yuk department as lemon balm.

But you know peeps...

Peeps have no sense of good taste, whatsoever.

And apparently neither does my sister, for there she was, still intent on sniffin' that stinky ol' balm.

MOUSES!

But as far as I'm concerned, that squirrel did Ol' Peepers a really big favour by disposin' of the stupid red strawberry.

The peep, on the other paw, disagreed.

In fact, it was her moanin' and groanin' about what this squirrel did that made me think she - the peep, that is - could benefit from a good stiff, nipped-up drink.

MOUSES!

Now in retrospect, this incident does explain one thing.

No, not the fact that neither Mason nor Andy are cat enough to go after a squirrel.  Believe me, there's NO explainin' that.

No, the incident explains...

The definite lack of strawberries, this year, for the peep.

MOUSES!

what cheek

What cheek.

What cheek!

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, if I had a loonie for every...

Pardon me?  A loonie?  Yeah, a LOONIE.  You know, a loonie!  Loonies are what we Canadian kitties call dollars.

I don't know why.  We just do.

MOUSES!

Anyway...

Anyway, if I had a loonie for every cheeky squirrel I met, I'd be a fat cat, for sure.  And by fat cat, I mean rich, as in havin' lots of loonies.  Not as in...

I'M JUST BIG-BONED, OKAY?

MOUSES!

SO ANYWAY...

So anyway, if I had a loonie for every cheeky squirrel I met, I'd have my weight in loonies, for sure.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH NIP THAT COULD BUY?

MOUSES!

Let me tell you what happened the other day.  There I was sittin' in my office, workin' on my upcomin' adventure, when...

When someone came a-knockin' on my office window.

Now my first thought was, What the mouses is the peep doin' knockin' on my window?  Then my second thought was, WHY the mouses is the peep knockin' on my window?  Then I heard the peep doin' somethin' in the kitchen.  Knowin' it wasn't the peep knockin' on my window, I thought to myself, WHO the mouses is knockin' on my office window?

Bein' a cat, curiosity got the best of me and I got up off my chair, and trotted over to said window, and you are NOT gonna believe what I saw.

There, sittin' in the little flower bed below the window, LAUGHIN' AT ME, was a squirrel.  One of those big grey ones.  You know, the ones with the big long fluffy tails.  And yes, he was laughin'.  And YES, he was laughin' at me.  I could tell on account of his pointin' at me through the window with one paw, and holdin' his tummy with the other, while laughin'.

MOUSES!

Okay, so maybe he wasn't actually doin' that finger pointin' thing.  And maybe he wasn't actually laughin', either.  Maybe he was actually just sittin' there, lookin' at me.

Well I wasn't gonna put up with that.

The next thing I knew, he was down on all four paws, headin' straight for me.

Or maybe he was really headin' for the window.  But anyway, I backed up just in time, 'cause let me tell you, my friends, that grey squirrel jumped up and tried to scale MY office window!

I think he thought he was Spider Man or somethin'.

Spider Squirrel?

Nah, "Spider Squirrel" sounds kinda unrealistic.

MOUSES!

Well like I said, I jumped back just in the nick of time, 'cause there was that squirrel, tryin' to climb up my window.  Then, OUT OF THE BLUE, a second grey squirrel arrived, and he was wantin' to climb up my window, too!

It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen, my friends.  The weirdest thing, for sure.  And believe-you-me, I''ve seen a lot of weird things in my nine lives.

You've MET my peeps, haven't you?

'Nough said.

MOUSES!

"OH PEEPERS...." I cried.  "Squirrels outside are lookin' for nuts.  They're probably lookin' for you."

MOUSES!

Clearly, the squirrels had been the ones knockin' on my office window, and CLEARLY, they were attemptin' to break inside.

WHAT WAS A KITTY TO DO?

Lickin' my lips, I briefly contemplated roasted squirrel with a creamy nip sauce for din-dins that night, but quickly thought the better of that.  That's the kinda thing that gets a kitty in trouble with the peeps, you see.

MOUSES!

Then I thought...

"BOO!"

Okay, so it wasn't so much a thought as an actual word.  Yup, an actual word I actually said out loud.  Although to be honest, it came out soundin' more like a meow.

But nevertheless, my meowy boo did the trick, for sure, for the next thing I knew, those two big grey squirrels were high-tailin'...

And when I say, high-tailin', I mean HIGH-tailin', for those squirrels had REALLY BIG HIGH-FLYIN' tails.

Anyway, the next thing I knew, the two squirrels were high-tailin' it down the driveway, headin' for the big ol' oak tree down by the road.

"AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF COMIN' BACK!" I yelled after 'em.  "UNLESS YOU WANNA BE SERVED FOR DINNER, THAT IS."


I sure told them, I thought to myself.  Won't see the likes of those two scoundrels for a long time to come.  Trottin' back to my desk, bein' VERY PLEASED with myself, I hopped up on the chair and got back to writing 'bout my upcomin' adventure.

Next thing I knew...

SOMEONE was a-knockin' on my office window.

AGAIN.

MOUSES!

they've GOT to be kiddin'

They've got to be kiddin'.

There's NO WAY this can be true.

This has gotta be FAKE news, for sure. MOUSES!

Uh-huh.  Yeah.  Uh...  Ummm...  Eh?

Well I'll be...

MOUSES!

Accordin' to all my many sources, this comin' Saturday is...

Wait for it...

World Naked Gardenin' Day.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, as if peeps don't get into enough trouble already, now they have a World Naked Gardenin' Day.  A day for gardenin', naked?  A day for gettin' naked, and gardenin'?  A DAY FOR...

MOUSES!

What WILL they think of next.

Or maybe...  Maybe the problem is, they're not actually thinkin' at all.

Typical peep behaviour, for sure.  MOUSES!

You know, once, way back when, I accidentally walked into the bathroom when a peep was steppin' into the shower and let me tell you, my friends...

...THERE ARE SOME THINGS A KITTY CAN NEVER UNSEE.

It's 'cause of stuff like this that bathroom doors have locks.  And believe-you-me, locks on bathrooms doors are meant to be used, for sure.

It's bad enough that a kitty has to be careful when walkin' into a bathroom, but now a kitty has to watch out for naked peeps out in the garden, too?

When will the craziness end?  MOUSES!

And I have a question.  Will all those naked peeps runnin' around neighbourhood gardens in all their nakedness, remember to wear their sunscreen. 'Cause seriously, my friends, if not, they could be gettin' sunburns in places where normally, the sun just isn't supposed to shine.

And how 'bout straw hats?  Are they allowed to wear those?  You know, to protect themselves from gettin' wrinkles on their faces and stuff, although truth be told, there isn't a straw hat big enough to protect 'em from gettin' wrinkles...  You know...  Elsewhere. MOUSES!

Hehehehehee...

I just thought of somethin'.  If the first Saturday of May is World Naked Gardening Day, is the first Sunday in May, World Poison Ivy Treatment Day?  'Cause I'm thinkin' there will be more than a few peeps in need of a full body treatment, for sure.

And what about poison oak?

AND THEN THERE ARE NETTLES.

You know, once, way back when, before I was even born, Peep #1 ran through a patch of raspberry canes with her shorts on.

Yeah, stupid, I know.  But what do you expect from a peep?

But my point is, at least she was wearin' SOMETHIN'.  Imagine runnin' through a patch of raspberry canes with nothin' on at all?

MOUSES!

And what if a bird flyin' overhead decides to... You know...  Do what birds so often do?  The peeps won't have any protection at all.

And what if it rains?  Are umbrellas allowed?  Of course, gardenin' while holdin' an umbrella is not the easiest of things to do in the first place.  I would imagine that naked gardenin' while holdin' an umbrella is even harder to do.

I just thought of somethin'.

WILL THERE BE NAKED GARDENING TOURS?

And I thought squirrels were crazy.  Clearly, the peeps have out-squirrelled the squirrelliness of the squirrelliest of squirrels, for sure.

MOUSES!

Makes a kitty wonder why all the peeps in the world haven't all been locked up by now.  You know, for their own good.  To protect 'em from themselves and stuff.  Stuff like sunburns and poison ivy and poison oak.

BUT OH NO...  Peeps have got to be a allowed to be peeps, and lettin' them loose on the world is all part of their bein'...  You know...  PEEPS.

It's like peeps think they are cats or somethin'.  Just 'cause a cat can walk around in the garden wearin' nothin' but his natural furs, doesn't mean peeps can do so, too.  I mean, a cat can look at a queen.  Peeps stare too hard at the Queen and they might be gettin' a visit from the Royal Guard. MOUSES!

But back to this naked gardenin' business at paw.

Listen up all you peeps out there. DON'T YOU COME CRYIN' TO ME ON SUNDAY WHEN YOU'RE COVERED IN POISON OAK AND HAVE A SUNBURN IN PLACES WHERE THE SUN SIMPLY ISN'T SUPPOSED TO SHINE.  MOUSES!

               ***********************

And in other news...

Reports are comin' in from all four corners of the world.  Cats have been buying RECORD NUMBERS of flashy boxes, smart phones and other recording devices, preparing to take pictures of sunburned, poison ivy stricken peeps.

MOUSES!

I shall endeavour

Uh-huh, uh-huh...  I shall endeavour to inform the peep.

OH PEEEE-PERRRRRS...

Oohhh..   Look at that.  A nip mouse!  Nice.

What did I want, Peepers?  Hmmm...  I forget.  Couldn't have been very important.

Excuse me, I hear someone at the door.


You again?  Oh yeah.  I shall endeavour to inform the peep.

OH PEEEE-PERRRRRS...

Oohhh...  Look at that.  An open bag of treats!  Nice.

What did I want this time, Peepers?  Hmmm...  I don't remember.  Nothin' important, I should think.

If you'll excuse me, I hear someone at the door.

You're back?  Again?  MOUSES!

OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT ENDEAVOUR MEANS.  MOUSES!

OH PEEEE-PERRRRRS...

Oohhh...  Look at that.  Someone left...

Wait a minute.  Was there somethin' I was supposed to tell the peep?

Hmmm...

HMMM...

I know!  Peepers, I just remembered somethin'.  I just remembered, I'm supposed to tell you somethin'.  No sorry, I'm supposed to endeavour to tell you somethin'.

Oh I have no idea.  No, I have no idea what it is I'm actually supposed to be tellin' you.  But I did remember that I was supposed to be tellin' you somethin'.

Like I said, I don't remember that.

Look Peepers, you should thank your lucky stars I'm REMEMBERIN' I'm supposed to be endeavourin' to tell you whatever-it-is I'm supposed to be endeavourin' to tell you.  Rememberin' what it actually is that I'm supposed to be endeavourin' to tellin' you?  Well that's a totally different matter.

OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT ENDEAVOUR MEANS. MOUSES!

Why the mouses does everyone keep askin' me that?

Now if you'll excuse me again, I believe I hear someone at the door.

WAIT A MINUTE!

I REMEMBER NOW.

Peepers, I am supposed to inform you that the squirrels livin' in the big ol' oak tree at the end of the driveway would appreciate some sunflower seeds and peanuts, if you would be so kind as to put some out for them.

There.  I did more than just endeavour to give you the message, Peepers.  I didn't just try.  I actually did it.

And everyone kept askin' me if I knew what endeavour meant.  MOUSES!

Hmmm...

On the other paw...

On the other paw, I think I was supposed to relay that message last week.  I don't think that was the message I was asked to relay today, at all.

HMMM....

I shall have to put my thinkin' cap on and endeavour to REMEMBER.  Yup, I shall have to endeavour to remember what I was asked to endeavour to tell the peep today, for sure.

But on the OTHER paw...

I do have four, you know.  Paws, I mean.

But as I was sayin'.  On the other paw, I think I've already endeavoured to endeavour enough for one day.  I believe I shall endeavour to remember, tomorrow.

MOUSES!

homeward bound

Previously on Nerissa's Life...

Mason put a paw on the shoulder of one of the squirrels and spoke very gently.  "I am very sorry to have to tell you this, but I believe your friend Robin is lost.  He has travelled to a far off land called Canada, and has found himself in another time."

"He had BETTER not be lost!" cried Seville, who had returned to Mason's side after doing his business.  "Mason, if Robin is trapped in twenty-first century Canada, we're trapped here.  Here. Wherever this is.  Not to mention, whenever."

The two cats stared at one another a moment and then cried in unison, "MOUSES!"

                                                     ****************************

"This is bad, Mason.  This is really, really bad," Seville muttered.

Mason nodded in agreement.  "You can say that again."

"This is bad, Mason.  This is really, really bad."  Seville noticed the unamused expression on Mason's face and added rather sheepishly, "Sorry."

A small squirrel approached Seville.  Looking into the cat's eyes he asked, "Is our friend Robin never to come home?  Never?" he sniffed loudly.

Seville reached up behind him and grabbed a tissue.  "Here you go, little buddy," and he gave the squirrel the tissue to wipe his eyes.

Like a flash of lightening, Mason swiped a paw and grabbed at the tissue.  "Where did you get this?" she demanded.

Seville twitched his whiskers.  "It's just a tissue, Mason.  It's not like I stole the Royal Jewels or anythin'.  MOUSES!"

Mason held the tissue before the little squirrel.  "Have you ever seen a handkerchief like this before?" she asked.

The squirrel accepted the tissue, rather gingerly, and examined it a moment before using it to wipe his eyes and then blow his nose.  Seville's eyes opened wide with amazement at the sound.  "Such a big honker for such a little squirrel.  MOUSES!"

Dabbing at his eyes again, the squirrel answered, "'Tis a hankie.  There's nothing odd about that, except...  Except..." and he rubbed the tissue between his paws.  "It is made of paper, and not cloth?  How very odd indeed."

The other squirrels gathered around, all wanting to see the strange paper handkerchief.  Seville reached behind him again, grabbing another tissue.  "Here, this one's clean," and he laid it down before the squirrels.

"Where the mouses are you getting those tissues?" Mason asked Seville.

Seville rolled his eyes.  "Mouses Mason, from where do you think?  I got 'em from that box of..." and he dropped his jaw.  "MOUSES!"

Mason and Seville carefully examined the tissue box protruding from a hollow in the oak tree.  A hollow that had not been there earlier.  Very slowly, they both walked around the tree;  Mason clockwise and Seville, counterclockwise.  Meeting up at the box of tissues again, they stopped. Mason touched the box with a paw.  It felt like an ordinary box of tissues.

"Mason," Seville hissed.  "I don't think they have paper tissues like that in this time period."

"Tell me something I don't know," Mason hissed in return.  "That box of tissues is from our time period, and not that of the squirrels.  "Plus, the hollow in the tree is back."

Seville sat back on his haunches, for as mentioned earlier, that was the position in which he always did his best thinking.  "You think the spacial conduit network is back up and runnin', sis?  'Cause you know...  If it is..."

"We can get home!" Mason finished her brother's train of thought.

"But what of our friend Robin?" the squirrels asked in unison.

"It is not that we do not like you," began one squirrel, "but you are both cats and we, squirrels.  A cat is the mortal enemy of a squirrel.  Also, we dearly miss our good friend."

"Don't worry," Seville comforted the squirrels.  "My sister and I will think of somethin'."  Turning to Mason he asked, "You think of anythin' yet, sis?"

Mason was studying the box of tissues.  "The hollow in the tree is smaller than it was before," she murmured.

"Well it is the entrance to a spacial conduit network."  Thinking Mason looked confused, Seville added, "You know, 'cause different sizes fit into different spaces and things.  Spacial...  Space,,. Mouses Mason, don't you know anything 'bout this stuff?"

Seville pushed Mason out of his way and put one front paw into the tree's hollow, before putting in the other, and then his head.  He looked down.  Way, way, down.  "Hey sis!" he hollered.  "The hollow might appear smaller on the outside, but inside, it's a huge cavern.  Just like it was when we entered the hollow at the tree at our house.  Pass me that box of tissues, would ya?"

Mason handed her brother the tissue box and Seville dropped it.  One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi..."  *THUNK!*  "Seven Mississippies!" he yelled.  "The box took seven Mississippies to fall to the bottom."  He narrowed his eyes, trying to see where the box had landed. "Is that...  Is that...  Is that..."

Way, way down at the bottom of the cavern inside the tree, Seville spotted the tissue box and next to the box, there was a small opening.  Hanging over the edge of the opening was a small squirrel wearing a little green hat.  And in his paws he held a bowl full of acorns.

"Hey Robin!  Is that you Robin?  Robin of Sherwood Forest?" cried out Seville.

"'Tis I," answered Robin.  "What spirit calls to me from the bottom of the hollow within the great oak tree?"

Seville thought for a moment, twitching his whiskers this way and that.  "The bottom?  No, I'm up here at...  Ummm..."  He thought a moment longer.  Robin was at the bottom of the tree and he was at the top.  But Robin thought he was at the top of the tree and that Seville was at the bottom. "But that's impossible," Seville murmured.  "Or is it..."

"I know how to get home!" Seville cried excitedly.  He tried to back himself out of the tree's hollow but realized he was stuck.  "Awww...  MOUSES!  Stupid spacial conduit network changin' sizes and stuff.  Makin' me look fat.  A ginger lad eats one too many treats and the next thing you know..."

"What on earth are you going on about?" asked Mason from outside the tree.  "And who's in there with you?"

"Never mind that, sis.  Just hold onto my tail, like you did at our house when we first fell through the tree, and whatever you do, DON'T LET GO.  Oh, and you're gonna have to give me a good shove. Maybe get the squirrels out there to help push.  Openin' is a bit of a tight squeeze, I'm afraid."

"But what of Robin?" Seville heard the squirrels outside the tree ask.

"Don't worry pals.  He's on his way!  Just give Mason a good shove, okay?" Seville told them.  Then he called down to Robin and told him to climb through the hollow in the tree and jump.

Down, down, down Seville and Mason fell.  As before, the hollow within the tree was much larger than the oak tree itself.  About halfway through their journey, they passed a squirrel wearing a hat and clutching a bowl of acorns.

"Was that..." Mason began to ask.

"Yup, that's Robin!" Seville answered with a smile.  "On his way home to his pals."

Three Mississippies later - for Seville had been counting - the two cats landed with a thud, before somersaulting forward and tumbling straight through the hollow at the bottom of the cavern, finding themselves sitting next to their very own oak tree, which stood at the end of their very own driveway.  They silently sat for a moment, gazing at the welcome sight before them:  their very own house.

"Sivvers!  Mason!  Din-dins!!!"

Seville and Mason both heard Peep #1 calling them for dinner.  Scrambling to their paws, they raced toward the house and inside, although Seville did spare a moment to glance back toward the oak tree, and he sighed with relief when he saw the hollow in the tree, the entrance to the spacial conduit network, slowly disappear, before his very eyes.

the fine nuances

Previously on Nerissa's Life...

The sound of horses approaching interrupted Mason's explanation and the two cats, along with all the squirrels, looked off toward the noise.

"It's the Sheriff!" cried one of the squirrels.

"Run!" cried another.

"Hide!" yelled a third.

"How are your climbin' skills, sis?" asked Seville, and the two cats dashed up the tree, as high as they could go.

                                    ****************************************

Seville, Mason, and the squirrels hid in the oak tree, while the Sheriff and his men milled about below.  Every now and then a horse would rear up on its hind legs, and Seville was sure someone would look up, spotting them, but instead they seemed more content to bicker amongst themselves. "Just like me with my fur-sibs," Seville whispered to himself.  "Hehehe..."

"Neither hide nor hair.  There is not a trace of them to be found," stated one of the men.  "'Tis time we return to Nottingham to ensure we are back by nightfall," and with that, the men galloped off on their horses, in the direction from where they had originally come.

Once out of sight, the squirrels scampered down the tree.  Mason and Seville followed.

"Who were those men?" Mason asked, "and why were they looking for you?  I assume it was you they were after."

"Those are the men we believe to have captured our friend, Robin," said one squirrel.

"And may be holding him captive as we speak!" piped up another.

Seville sat back on his haunches, for this was the position in which he always did his best thinking. "Hmmm...  I don't think they have your friend.  I have a sneaking suspicion that someone told them to look for you by this oak tree.  After all, they did come all this way and stop right here.  It's like they had intel or somethin'.  But if that intel had come from Robin, surely he would have told them you'd hide in the tree.  Up in its branches.  But none of 'em ever looked up.  I thought they were gonna, for sure, but no one did.  Their intel must have come from somewhere else."

"But if the Sheriff and his men don't have Robin, who does?" asked one of the squirrels.  "If Robin could come home, he would.  He must know we're worried about him.  The only way he wouldn't come home is if he couldn't come home.  Couldn't because he was being held captive."

"Perhaps he's being held captive by someone other than the Sheriff," suggested Mason.

"Well that's all we need!" and one of the squirrels threw the acorns he was holding up into the air. "ANOTHER enemy running about, trying to imprison us."

Seville narrowed his eyes.  "I don't suppose you've ever encountered anyone form the Weasel Syndicate, have you?  'Cause this is just the sort of thing those dastardly weasels would do."

Seville waited for the squirrels to answer but was met with nothing but blank stares.

"Guess not.  Guess there aren't any weasels involved.  But somebody sure did tell those men where to look for you, and your friend Robin is missin' and..."

"But there's no evidence that the two are actually connected," interjected Mason.  Robin might be missing for an entirely different reason and, I suspect, it has something to do with this oak tree."

"You believe it is the tree holding our friend captive?" asked one of the squirrels.  "Because if you do, you sound very foolish, indeed.  An oak tree holding a squirrel captive.  Ridiculous!"

"It does sound kind of hinky, sis," Seville hissed under his breath.  "We have an oak tree back home and we have lots of squirrels, too.  Never once have I ever seen any of 'em bein' held captive. MOUSES!"

"BOYS," and Mason stomped a paw with disgust.  She grabbed her measuring tape and held it up in the air.  "Do you remember how, before I was so rudely interrupted by those men on horses, I was trying to explain to you about the size differential between this oak tree and the one in our driveway? Well I won't go into too many details because the math is very complicated and I doubt any of you would understand..."

Seville opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it.

"So I'll jump right to the chase.  This tree and the tree at the end of our driveway are interconnected, Seville.  There's some sort of spacial conduit network between the two."

"More magic!" cried a squirrel.

"It has nothing to do with magic," Mason scolded, "unless you squirrels were magically shooting arrows at my brother and me earlier today."

Seville tugged at his sister's tail.  "Well actually, they were shootin' arrows at us, earlier. Remember?  We were standin' by the tree and they were shootin'..."

"I MEANT AT OUR HOUSE!"  Mason took a deep breath to calm herself.  "Remember?  Remember the arrows that were shooting out of the tree at us, when we were back at our own house, in our own yard?"

"Oh yeah...  Hey you squirrels, you.  How come you were shootin' at us before?  MOUSES!"

The squirrels looked at one another and began to chatter, discussing the situation.  "We weren't shooting any arrows at you at all until, as if by magic, you appeared by this tree."

"Well before we appeared by your tree, we were by OUR tree in our very own yard, nowhere near this tree of yours, and there were arrows comin' at us left, right and center.  MOUSES!"  Seville glared at the squirrels.  "So what do have to say to that?"

Mason stepped between her brother and the squirrels.  "That's what I'm trying to explain, Seville. They weren't shooting at us.  They were shooting at the tree.  Isn't that right?  Target practice or something like that?"

The squirrels all nodded their heads in agreement.

"The arrows must have hit the tree and been transported to twenty-first century Canada by the spacial conduit network.  And then you and I, while investigating the appearance of the arrows, were transported here."

"But what does this have to do with our missing friend?" demanded a squirrel.  "Is it your claim that he has been transported to another land?  BY A TREE?"

"Well not by the tree, exactly, but by the spacial..."

"Yeah, I don't think they're gonna understand all the fine nuances, sis.  Just tell 'em Robin disappeared in the tree," Seville suggested.

"But of course he did!" cried a squirrel.  "We told you when you first arrived:  Robin climbed the oak tree in search of acorns, and we never saw him again."

"Uh Mason..." and Seville pulled at his sister's tail again.  "I don't suppose you've given any thought to usin' that spacial conduit network to get us back home, have you, 'cause I really need to use the litter box, and I don't see any litter boxes lyin' about 'round here and..."

"Oh go do your business behind one of those trees over there!" and Mason pointed toward the edge of the clearing.  "BOYS.  Now where was I..."

"You were explaining that Robin is being held captive by the oak tree."

"TOLD YOU THEY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THE FINE NUANCES!" yelled Seville from the edge of clearing.

Mason put a paw on the shoulder of one of the squirrels and spoke very gently.  "I am very sorry to have to tell you this, but I believe your friend Robin is lost.  He has travelled to a far off land called Canada, and has found himself in another time."

"He had BETTER not be lost!" cried Seville, who had returned to Mason's side after doing his business.  "Mason, if Robin is trapped in twenty-first century Canada, we're trapped here.  Here. Wherever this is.  Not to mention whenever."

The two cats stared at one another a moment and then cried in unison, "MOUSES!"

                                                *************************

Be sure to return Wednesday for the conclusion of our adventure.

magic and wizardry

Previously on Nerissa's Life...

Seville found himself sitting at the base of a huge oak tree.  It looked exactly like the tree at the end of his driveway, only bigger.  The tree stood at the edge of a grassy, sunlit field.  He squinted in the bright sunlight. Mason appeared by his side and together, they took in the view before them.

"Oh my..." Mason gasped.

"OH MY MOUSES!" Seville yelled.

"Look yonder!" they heard someone cry, immediately before spotting a barrage of arrows heading their way.

                                                    *****************************

For a split second, the two cats watched in horror as the multitude of arrows approached them. Coming to their senses, they ducked in the nick of time.  Moments later, a bow-toting squirrel marched up to them both and demanded, "Whence came thou?"

Seville scrunched up his nose.  "Thou?  Who's thou?"

Mason kicked her brother with a hind paw and hissed, "He means us, Seville.  He wants to know from where we came?"

"How do you know that?" Seville hissed back.

Mason kicked him again.  "I watch PBS with the peeps."

"ENOUGH USELESS BANTER!" and the squirrel angrily stomped a paw.  "Who are you and what is this fiendish magic and wizardry at play?"

Mason was the first to gain her composure and extended a paw.  "My name is Mason and this is my brother, Seville.  We're cats and we came from..."

"From inside that tree!" and Seville pointed a paw in the direction of the tree behind him.  "We came from inside there."

"I knew it!" twittered a second squirrel who had scampered up behind the first.  "There is magic at work.  Some sort of evil spell and of that, I am sure.  One cannot come from inside a tree.  It is impossible."

"But we did.  Honestly," and Seville turned to point out the hollow in the tree, from where he and Mason had emerged.  But where there had been an opening minutes before, there was now nothing but the rough, grey bark of the oak tree.

By now, a dozen or so more squirrels had approached.  Mason and Seville backed up against the tree and the squirrels began to chatter amongst themselves, seemingly discussing what to do with the two cats.

Finally, one of the squirrels shooed the others away and approached Seville.  "Sir Cat, I do not know who you are, nor how you came to live with the spirits of the oak tree behind you, but perhaps you can help my friends and I."

"Me," interrupted Seville.

The squirrel raised an eyebrow and Mason hissed, "Enough with the grammar policing, Seville. Never annoy a squirrel who knows how to use a bow and arrow."

"But he should have said, my friends and me...  Awww...  Never mind.  MOUSES!"  Seville turned back to the squirrel.  "Go on."

"Perhaps you can help my friends and me," Seville smiled as the squirrel continued.  "Our friend, Robin, has been missing for what seems likes an eternity.  He left more than a fortnight ago, in search of acorns, but has yet to return.  We are worried he has been captured and imprisoned."

Mason sidled up to Seville and the squirrel.  "But why do you think my brother and I might be of assistance?"

"Because you yourselves admit to having been to the land inside the oak tree.  You claim to have exited that very tree, using magic and wizardry and.."

"Uh hold on a minute there, you merry little squirrelly fellow, you," Seville interrupted.  "My sister and I never admitted anythin' about usin' any kind of magic.  At least I don't think we did.  Did we, Mason?  I know we seem to have travelled through an inter-dimensional vortex of some kind, perhaps even to an alternate universe.  Might even have been a tad of time travellin' involved.  But that's not magic.  That's science!"

The squirrel raised an eyebrow again and Mason helpfully translated, "He means, alchemy."

"How do you know that?" Seville asked his sister.

"I told you.  I watch PBS with the peeps.  You need to start watchin' it, too."

"But I do..."

"No, you fall asleep while cuddling with the peeps, while I watch PBS with them," Mason scowled.

"Awww...  MOUSES!"

"Who are these mouses of whom you continually speak?" asked the squirrel.

"Ummm...  Not important.  Now tell me more 'bout your pal," Seville encouraged the squirrel.  "He's a red-breasted bird, you say?"

"No, he's a squirrel."

"But I thought you said he was a robin."

Sighing loudly, the squirrel explained, "His name is Robin, but he is a squirrel, I can assure you.  As am I."

"Well I can see that.  Why didn't you tell me he was a squirrel too, in the first place?" and Seville sat back on his haunches.  He lifted a paw to scratch behind an ear.  "So you say your pal went off lookin' for acorns, but he never came home, huh?  He ever disappear like that before?"

"He has been captured many a time.  Even imprisoned!  But we've searched all the dungeons and cells for miles around, and found not a trace of our friend.  He is nowhere to be found.  But that was to be expected, I'm afraid, for the last we saw of dear Robin, he was climbing up that very tree from which you appeared, and not anywhere near the village where he might run afoul of the Sheriff and his men."

"So you think he's lost up in the tree?  MOUSES!"  Seville craned his neck and looked way, way up.  "Well it is a very big tree. "  He caught movement out of the corner of an eye and asked, "Mason, what the mouses are you up to now?"

"Don't be silly.  I'm measuring the oak tree.  Boys!" and Mason finished up what she was doing. "Just as I thought.  This tree, and the oak tree at the end of our driveway, have a size differential of..."

The sound of horses approaching interrupted Mason's explanation and the two cats, along with all the squirrels, looked off toward the noise.

"It's the Sheriff!" cried one of the squirrels.

"Run!" cried another.

"Hide!" yelled a third.

"How are your climbin' skills, sis?" asked Seville, and the two cats dashed up the tree, as high as they could go.


                                                    *****************************

Be sure to return on Sunday for part three of our adventure.

watch out!

"What the mouses?" Seville cried as an arrow flew past him, narrowly missing his head.

"Who the mouses is shootin' arrows at me, from that ol' oak tree at the end of my driveway? What kind of ornery character would do such a thing?  A weasel?  It sounds like somethin' a weasel would do, for sure."

"WATCH OUT!" Mason yelled as a second arrow whizzed past Seville's head.

Spread eagle on the driveway, Seville cried out to his sister, "The weasels are shootin' arrows at me.  Or maybe it's the squirrels.  HELP!"

Mason ran to her brother, grabbed Seville by his tail, and hauled him onto his paws.  "I don't think so, Seville.  At least if they are, they have the worst aim in the history of...  Of...  Of aiming!."  The two cats watched as three more arrows shot out of the tree.  Luckily, these ones didn't come anywhere near either one of them.  "Besides," Mason added, "the Weasel Syndicate has been rather quiet as of late, and the squirrels around here are more likely to use slingshots armed with acorns, than arrows."

Seville nodded.  "True.  Hmmm..."  He approached the tree, jumping back as another arrow whizzed past.  "Now that's odd.  Never noticed that before."

"Is that some sort of hollow in the tree?" asked Mason as she crept up behind her brother.  "Was that there yesterday?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't think it was there this morning!"  Both cats jumped back as one more arrow flew out of the tree's hollow.  Seville looked at his sister.  "Mason, those arrows aren't comin' from the tree.  They're comin' out of it.  It's not the squirrels shootin' at us.  It's the tree, itself. MOUSES!"

"Don't be silly, Seville," Mason scolded.  "Trees don't shoot arrows.  At least I don't think they do." She paused.  "Well I've never heard of them doing anything like that.  I've..."  She stopped short as another arrow shot past.

"Well someone is shootin' arrows and that, sis, is a fact.  Somebody from inside that tree."  Seville put his front paws on his hips and firmly stated, "I'm goin' in."

"That's not a good idea, Seville.  There's no telling who you'll find inside that tree.  Or what, for that matter," and she grabbed her brother's tail and pulled him back.

"Let go of my tail!" Seville demanded as he peered inside the tree's hollow.  "Mason, it's a whole lot bigger inside here than you'd think.  It's like...  HUGE."  Huge, huge, huge...  his voice echoed. "Who would have thunk the inside of a tree could be so much bigger than the outside?  And is that..."  He leaned over the edge of the tree's hollow, trying to get a better look at what had caught his attention.  "Is that..."  He leaned over some more.  "Is that..."

Losing his balance, Seville slipped forward.  "Mason, get me out of here!" Seville yelled.  "I'm losin' my pawhold!"

Mason grabbed her brother's tail again.  Leaning backwards, she attempted to pull Seville out of the tree's hollow, but it was to no avail, for Seville was the much heavier cat.  She braced her back paws on the outside of the tree, holding onto Seville's tail for dear life, and pulled again.  Her brother's tail seemingly stretched like a bungee cord might, and Seville dangled in the abyss of the hollow.  "PULL HARDER!" he cried frantically.  "YOU'RE NOT PULLIN' HARD ENOUGH!"

Mason held on tightly and pulled backwards with all her might, but it was of no use.  Seville wouldn't budge.

Then disaster struck.  Mason lost her footing on a loose piece of bark, causing her to stumble forward.  Seville dropped further into the hollow and Mason, still holding onto her brother's tail, was dragged into the opening herself.  Before they knew it, the two cats were in free fall.

Down, down, down, they went.  Down further than they could ever have imagined, for the hollow within the tree was so very much larger than the oak tree itself.  After what seemed like an eternity had passed, they landed with a thud on a dirt floor, Seville first and Mason, seconds later.  Seville somersaulted forward and passed through an opening directly ahead. Mason scrambled to her paws and quickly scampered after him.

Seville found himself sitting at the base of a huge oak tree.  It looked exactly like the tree at the end of his driveway, only bigger.  The tree stood at the edge of a grassy, sunlit field.  He squinted in the bright sunlight. Mason appeared by his side and together, they took in the view before them.

"Oh my..." Mason gasped.

"OH MY MOUSES!" Seville yelled.

"Look yonder!" they heard someone cry, immediately before spotting a barrage of arrows heading their way.

                                                   *****************************

Be sure to come back on Wednesday for part two of our adventure.  PURRS.