I said, it's embarrassin'.
Peepers, I SAID, it's embarrassin'.
I SAID, IT'S EMBARRASSIN'!
Because it is.
My gosh, a kitty has to say somethin' like a million gazillion times before said kitty's peep understands.
Even when said kitty is statin' the obvious.
Peepers, word on the street is, I'm livin' in a zoo. And let me tell you somethin', ol' peep of mine: cats and dogs in the neighbourhood callin' my house a zoo is embarrassin'.
Why just this mornin'...
Just this mornin', I looked out the front window over at the red glass bird feeder in which you put the sunflower seeds, and what did I see? I saw a long dark tail hangin' down from the top dish. And in case you were wonderin', no, it wasn't Saffron's. That tail belonged to one of those big dark grey squirrels, it did. Yup, a big dark grey squirrel must have managed to scale the shepherd's hook thingy and jump from the stand to the top glass dish, before settlin' in for a mid-mornin' snack. And you know what, ol' peep of mine? You know what?
It is so embarrassin', on account of other cats in the neighbourhood chasin' squirrels and things, keeping 'em out of their yards. But I, Seville the Cat - bein' the GentleCat I am, and not really likin' the idea of gettin' my own paws dirty - don't.
Plus, they can be kinda fun to watch.
BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT ALL THE NEIGHBOURHOOD CATS ARE LAUGHIN' AT ME BEHIND MY BACK, SAYIN' I'VE LOST CONTROL OF MY OWN GARDEN AND HOUSE, AND AM TOO LAZY OR SCARED TO CHASE AWAY A FEW SQUIRRELS.
And don't get me started on the neighbourhood raccoons. They're menaces, they are. Diggin' up this and diggin' up that. They never dig up my catnip, of course, on account of the agreement I made 'em sign; but OTHER CATS in the neighbourhood are sayin' I'm too scared to chase 'em away, too.
Okay, so it's really the neighbourhood dogs that started that rumour, but still...
But still, it's embarrassin', I say. EMBARRASSIN'!
And then there are the birds.
Okay, so I quite enjoy watchin' the birdies flit here and there and just about everywhere, but one of 'em pooped on Saffron's head the other day and...
Okay, so that was part of the show and quite honestly, THE BEST BIRD TV I've seen in years, so...
So even though gettin' pooped on by a bird might have been embarrassin' for Saffy, it wasn't for me.
But I can't have the neighbourhood cats laughin' at me behind my back! So it's like this, Peepers... It's like this: YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING 'BOUT THE SQUIRRELS AND RACCOONS AND ANY OTHER CRITTERS OUT THERE 'CAUSIN' A RUCKUS. Okay? Okay.
'Cept for the birdies, of course, on account of my wantin' to see the sequel to Poop on Saffy's Head.
What? What's that, Saffron?
Excuse me a mo there, Peepers. Saffron has somethin' to say.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? THAT'S BRILLIANT, THAT IS. BRILLIANT!
Change of plans, there, Peepers. The neighbourhood wildlife can stay. What I now need you to do is print me up some tickets. Yup, lots and lots of tickets. Ten bucks a pop and cats, dogs, and peeps can all watch birdies poop on Saffron's head.
What's that, Saffron?
Okay, so Saffy doesn't actually want a repeat performance of the poopin' business, but facts are facts, and the fact of the matter is: THAT'S GONNA BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE PROGRAM. No way, no how, are we cuttin' that bit.
My gosh, even I'LL buy a ticket to see that and I don't need tickets on account of the fact that I'm puttin' myself in charge of this here show.
Remember to mask up, too.