I'm tellin' ya, if I had a loonie for every...
Pardon me? A loonie? Yeah, a LOONIE. You know, a loonie! Loonies are what we Canadian kitties call dollars.
I don't know why. We just do.
Anyway, if I had a loonie for every cheeky squirrel I met, I'd be a fat cat, for sure. And by fat cat, I mean rich, as in havin' lots of loonies. Not as in...
I'M JUST BIG-BONED, OKAY?
So anyway, if I had a loonie for every cheeky squirrel I met, I'd have my weight in loonies, for sure.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH NIP THAT COULD BUY?
Let me tell you what happened the other day. There I was sittin' in my office, workin' on my upcomin' adventure, when...
When someone came a-knockin' on my office window.
Now my first thought was, What the mouses is the peep doin' knockin' on my window? Then my second thought was, WHY the mouses is the peep knockin' on my window? Then I heard the peep doin' somethin' in the kitchen. Knowin' it wasn't the peep knockin' on my window, I thought to myself, WHO the mouses is knockin' on my office window?
Bein' a cat, curiosity got the best of me and I got up off my chair, and trotted over to said window, and you are NOT gonna believe what I saw.
There, sittin' in the little flower bed below the window, LAUGHIN' AT ME, was a squirrel. One of those big grey ones. You know, the ones with the big long fluffy tails. And yes, he was laughin'. And YES, he was laughin' at me. I could tell on account of his pointin' at me through the window with one paw, and holdin' his tummy with the other, while laughin'.
Okay, so maybe he wasn't actually doin' that finger pointin' thing. And maybe he wasn't actually laughin', either. Maybe he was actually just sittin' there, lookin' at me.
Well I wasn't gonna put up with that.
The next thing I knew, he was down on all four paws, headin' straight for me.
Or maybe he was really headin' for the window. But anyway, I backed up just in time, 'cause let me tell you, my friends, that grey squirrel jumped up and tried to scale MY office window!
I think he thought he was Spider Man or somethin'.
Nah, "Spider Squirrel" sounds kinda unrealistic.
Well like I said, I jumped back just in the nick of time, 'cause there was that squirrel, tryin' to climb up my window. Then, OUT OF THE BLUE, a second grey squirrel arrived, and he was wantin' to climb up my window, too!
It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen, my friends. The weirdest thing, for sure. And believe-you-me, I''ve seen a lot of weird things in my nine lives.
You've MET my peeps, haven't you?
"OH PEEPERS...." I cried. "Squirrels outside are lookin' for nuts. They're probably lookin' for you."
Clearly, the squirrels had been the ones knockin' on my office window, and CLEARLY, they were attemptin' to break inside.
WHAT WAS A KITTY TO DO?
Lickin' my lips, I briefly contemplated roasted squirrel with a creamy nip sauce for din-dins that night, but quickly thought the better of that. That's the kinda thing that gets a kitty in trouble with the peeps, you see.
Then I thought...
Okay, so it wasn't so much a thought as an actual word. Yup, an actual word I actually said out loud. Although to be honest, it came out soundin' more like a meow.
But nevertheless, my meowy boo did the trick, for sure, for the next thing I knew, those two big grey squirrels were high-tailin'...
And when I say, high-tailin', I mean HIGH-tailin', for those squirrels had REALLY BIG HIGH-FLYIN' tails.
Anyway, the next thing I knew, the two squirrels were high-tailin' it down the driveway, headin' for the big ol' oak tree down by the road.
"AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF COMIN' BACK!" I yelled after 'em. "UNLESS YOU WANNA BE SERVED FOR DINNER, THAT IS."
I sure told them, I thought to myself. Won't see the likes of those two scoundrels for a long time to come. Trottin' back to my desk, bein' VERY PLEASED with myself, I hopped up on the chair and got back to writing 'bout my upcomin' adventure.
Next thing I knew...
SOMEONE was a-knockin' on my office window.