a day for the peep

Happy Peep's Day, Peepers.  HAPPY PEEP'S DAY!

Now just hear me out.  I think that...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh.  Well, yeah.  Yeah, you're welcome and all that.

But just hear me out.  Peepers, every year you...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin 'on about now?

Oh.  Well that actually wasn't from me.  Not sure it was from Saffron, either.  Saffy and I both know you're not in favour of us chasin' down and catchin' the local wildlife, so we do our best not to do that sorta thing.  You know some other kitty that might be leavin' dead mousies on the front doorstep for you?

DON'T ANSWER THAT.  I don't wanna know.

MOUSES!

But just hear me out.  The thing is...

WHAT THE MOUSIE MOUSIN' MOUSES ARE YOU BABBLIN' ON ABOUT NOW?

Fine.  I know.   I do know I really shouldn't be raisin' my voice to you on Peep's Day.

But on the other paw...

YOU SHOULDN'T BE CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTIN'.

MOUSES!

So let's try this one more time, shall we?  Now just hear me out.  I think...

*pauses while waiting to be interrupted again*

Well, that's better for sure.  Okay, Peepers, just hear me out.  I'd like to point out that we do this Peep's Day thing-a-ma-jig every year.  Every. Single. Year.  Yup, every year on the second Sunday of May, we have a day just to celebrate you.

So my question is...

WHY THE MOUSES DO WE NOT HAVE A CAT'S DAY EVERY YEAR, TOO?

I mean, you are so very, VERY lucky to have the pleasure of havin' Saffy and me livin' with you.  We give you so much love and attention.  We purr, keepin' your bones all healthy and stuff.  We make messes which get you up off your tush, makin' sure you get your exercise in.  We prime your yarn with slobber when you knit.  Saffy has even taken to taking important things you might happen to drop, and tucking 'em away in incredibly safe places.

FYI, you might try lookin' for that earring you lost last week under the family room chesterfield.  You'll probably find it there with about a dozen or so pens.

MOUSES!

AND WE WOULD BOTH GLADLY HELP keep the house clean and tidy by lappin' up any spilled cream.

If you'd be so kind as to spill some cream, that is.

MOUSES!

So I was thinkin', ol' peep of mine...

WHY-OH-WHY ISN'T THERE A CAT'S DAY ONCE A YEAR, TOO?

Just think, you could go out and buy me a Happy Cat's Day card.  Wrap up a few prezzies like wand toys and a new biff bag or two.  A potted catnip plant for indoors wouldn't go amiss.

And then we could celebrate by havin' a top notch din-din of wild salmon florentine, garnished with a sprig of fresh catnip, along with a nice big saucer of cream.

And then...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' about now?

You're sayin' that short of the Happy Cat's Day card and the big bowl of cream, to some extent, EVERY day is Cat's Day 'round here?

Well, I suppose that to SOME extent you might be right.

But I also think you could do a whole lot better.

But who am I to judge?

MOUSES!

Oh, and by the way, Peepers.  There's another dead mouse outside the front door.  And when you go out, mind where you step.  I think Saffron might have horked up a hairball in lieu of a card.

HAPPY PEEP'S DAY, PEEPERS!

Enjoy it while it lasts.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

one, two, three...

One, two, three...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Countin'.  I'm countin'.

MOUSES!

Gosh darn it, now I'm gonna have to start all over again.

MOUSES!

One, two, three...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

Bees.  I'm countin' bees.

MOUSES!

Gosh darn it, now I'm gonna have to start all over AGAIN.

MOUSES!

One, two, three...

OH FOR MOUSIN' OUT LOUD, PEEPERS.  WHAT ON EARTH IS IT THAT YOU'RE BABBLIN' ON ABOUT NOW?

'Cause I want to, that's why.  I wanna count bees.

MOUSES!

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, I was at...

Hmmm...

Gosh darn it, I'm gonna have to start all over AGAIN.

MOUSES!

Hmmm...

But now there isn't a single solitary bee in sight.  No bees to count, at all.  Can't even count 'em to one!

HEY PEEPERS!  I've got a bone to pick with you, I do.  I was out there in the garden countin' the number of bees there were buzzin' about, but before I could finish counting 'em all, you came along and scared 'em away.  And now I have no bees to count.  Not even one!

So...

So if you're wonderin' how many bees we still have in the garden this year, halfway through the month of October; when we don't usually have many bees, if we have any at all; you're gonna have to keep on wonderin'.

Because...

BECAUSE I WAS gonna count 'em but now that you've scared 'em away, there aren't any bees left to count.

None.

Not even one.

MOUSES!

So go ahead and ask me, Peepers.  Go ahead and ask me just how many bees there still out there in the garden even at this very late date.  Just ask.  Just ask me how many bees there are buzzin' around the dahlias and nasturtiums and calendula and borage and things.  Things THAT NORMALLY WOULDN'T still be blooming 'cept for all this mild weather we've had, and the fact there hasn't been frost.  Go ahead.  Go ahead and ask.  Just ask me, Peepers.  Just ask.

How many bees are there in the garden, today?  You'd really like to know?

NONE.

And Peepers, do you know why there are no bees out there in the garden right now?

WELL I'LL TELL YOU why, I will.  There are no bees out in the garden right now on account of your scaring 'em all away.  Scaring 'em away when I was tryin' to count 'em.  So yeah, there are none.  None as in none.  Zippo.  Not a one.

Gosh darn it, a kitty tries to help out by countin' up bees stickin' around late in the season and is thwarted by his very own peep.

Stupid peep.

NEXT TIME I go to count bees, I'm gonna get Peepers to dress up in bright colours with a fancy schmancy flowery ol' hat, smear honey all over her face, and spray stinky flower perfume on her arms and her legs.  That'll get the bees to come 'round, for sure.  That'll get 'em comin' in droves!

Might even be more bees than I can count.

Best be sure I don't flick my tail around too much and end up gettin' myself stung.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to me.  Happy Birthday to me.  Happy Birthday Dear Sivvers....  Happy Birthday to...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Au contraire ma peep.  It is too my birthday.  Yup, today is most definitely my birthday, for sure.

MOUSES!

Because.

Because is too an answer.  You asked a question and I answered it...

...WITH BECAUSE.

Ipso facto, methinks your stupid claim is defuncto.

MOUSES!

What do you mean I'm not makin' sense?  What do you mean?

Oh pish posh, Peepers.  Pish posh.  I shall explain.

And for anyone at the back of the room, the followin' is what we cats mean when we say we have to catsplain everythin'.

MOUSES!

Peepers, what's yours is mine and what's mine is...  Not yours.  Therefore, what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.  Are you with me so far?

Good.  So yes, today may in fact be your birthday.  And by that I simply mean that on this date, several millennia ago - give or take a century or two - you were born.  Your birth certificate probably does say something 'bout your bein' born on this date.

Still with me, ol' peep of mine?

Good.  Okay, so now remember what I said before: What's yours is mine.  Mine.  Mine as in...  MINE.

So what WAS your birthday is now mine.

Got it?

Good.  So ipso facto, your birthday is now MY birthday; and therefore everyone should join me, Seville the Cat, in singin' a birthday song to me.  ME.  Me.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh yeah.  I do say that quite often, don't I.  I do often say things along the line of your singin' bein' more like caterwaulin' than actual singin'.  Hmmm...

Okay, so we'll try this: I'll sing Happy Birthday to myself with my ever-so-melodious voice and while I'm doin' so, you can help me open my prezzies.

They are mine, Peepers.  The prezzies are mine.  I thought we already went over all this.

My gosh, a cat's catsplainin' is never done.

Peepers, the prezzies are mine.  ALL mine.  MINE.  Doesn't matter if your name happens to be on some of 'em.  Remember, what's yours is mine so therefore....   They're all mine.

'Course, if any of 'em happen to be bottles of stinky stuff or boxes of chockies, you can have those.  You know, on account of my not likin' that kinda stuff.  BUT THE REST OF 'EM ARE ALL MINE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEEPERS SIVVERS!

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

dear diary

Dear Diary...

Hmmm...

DEAR Diary...

Hmmm...

My Dearest Diary...

Hmmm...

Nope, still nothin'.  Still nothin' at all.

MOUSES!

HEY PEEPERS!  What kinda things do you write in your diary?

Nothin'?  You don't write in your diary, you say?

Yeah, I feel your pain, ol' peep of mine.  I'm havin' the same problem here.  I can't seem to find anythin' to write.

Dear Diary...

Nope, nothin' has changed.

MOUSES!

So Peepers, how come you don't use your diary?  You have writer's diary block, too?

Or should that be diary writer's block?

Hmmm...

Really?  You don't have a diary to use?  Interestin'.

Hmmm...

Okay Peepers, let's say you did have a diary.  Now if you had a diary, what would you write?  What kinda stuff?  Anythin' I could happen to use?

You'd probably use it to write lists?

What kinda lists, Peepers?  Interestin' lists?  Lists cats and other peeps might wanna read?

The grocery list?  A "to do" list, you say?  A list of what you planted where and when, so that when stuff starts growin' in the garden, you know what said stuff is?

WHAT KINDA STUPID LISTS ARE THOSE?

Oh yeah.  Peep lists.

MOUSES!

Peepers, you are of absolutely NO help, at all.

MOUSES!

Dear Diary...

Oh, who am I kiddin'?  I'm not into this diary writin' business.  I've nothin' interestin' to write about, you see.  Nothin' at all! 

And I'm really not convinced it's supposed to be used to write stupid lists.

I'll be lucky if I can...

WAIT A MINUTE....

HEY PEEPERS!  YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO WRITE A PURELY FICTIONAL DIARY?  DOES A FICTIONAL DIARY, STILL A DIARY MAKE?

You don't think so, huh?

Hmmm...

But what do you know, Peepers?  You don't even HAVE a diary.  You have not one whit of diary writin' experience.  You don't even know what a diary is.

No, you surely don't.  'Cause let me tell you somethin', ol' peep of mine: I am one hundred thousand kajillion percent sure, diaries are NOT supposed to be used for writin' lists.

MOUSES!

Dear Diary.  Today I, Seville the Cat, woke up to a call from the Prime Minister's Office concernin' a phone call the PM had from King Charles, requestin' my assistance with...

Oh my mouses, now THIS is the kinda diary entry, cats like me should make.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

and another thing...

Hey Peepers!

HEY PEEPERS!

PEEPERS!!!

Boy-oh-boy it's hard to get your attention, you ol' peep.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that I, Seville the Cat, yell at the peep an awful lot.

Well...

Well you might have a point there, but the thing is...

The thing is, I HAVE to yell at her a lot to get her attention.

Think she must be hard of hearin' or somethin' like that.

Or...

Or she just gets her jollies by ignorin' me.

MOUSES!

Nah, that can't be right.  Who in their right mind would ever want to ignore a cat like me?

'Course that's assumin' she IS in her right mind.

Hmmm...

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh, so you heard that, did you?  You managed to hear what I muttered 'bout your not bein' in your right mind, huh?  So hard of hearin', you are not.

Hmmm...

What the mouses?  Peepers, are you sayin' you DO get your jollies by ignorin' me?

Of all the no good for nothin' things.

And what are jollies, anyway?  Anyone know?

I'm tellin' ya, IT'S NO WONDER I'm always havin' to yell at the peep.

MOUSES!

And another thing...

And another thing...

And another thing, uhhh...

Ummm...

Uh...

Gosh darn it, what with all this business with my HAVIN' to yell at the peep, I've gone and forgotten why I was tryin' to get her attention in the first place.

If only the peep were better at listenin'.  This is totally HER fault, for sure.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

no way, no how...

"No way, no how, is this here plant gonna fit in that there pot.  MOUSES!"

I remember that joke my late, great brother Nissy made when he wrote it; and boy-oh-boy was it ever a super duper good joke, to be sure.

Nissy always wrote the best jokes.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, I do believe Nissy wrote that joke 'round about Peepers' Day, way back when.  Peepers' Day; the day we cats celebrate our motherin'-type peeps.

Yeah, yeah... Some call it Mother's Day.  So sue me.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, today is the day Saffy and I are celebratin' Peepers although truth be told, I'm not entirely sure why.  I mean, when you think about it...  When you really, REALLY think about it, Peepers kinda has it made 'round about here.  It's like EVERY day is Peepers' Day, to be sure.  

What we need is a Kitty's Day, or somethin' like that.  Unfortunately, the last time havin' a Kitty's Day was suggested, Peepers laughed 'til she was blue in the face.  In fact, she laughed so hard...

She laughed so hard I, Seville the Cat, thought I was gonna have to give her mouth to mouth or somethin' like that - which WOULD BE GROSS - but thankfully, Saffron came to my rescue and gave the peep a good slap, and that smartened her right up.

Slap...  Bitey...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

And there went my dreams of havin' a Kitty's Day to celebrate every year.

MOUSES!

So since it's just Peepers' Day and not Kitty's Day, I guess Saffy and I are expected to do somethin' special for the peep.  

Or so I've been told.

But figurin' out what that somethin' special should be is kinda hard 'cause like I said before, PEEPERS APPEARS TO ALREADY HAVE IT MADE 'round about here.  For mousin' out loud, SHE HAS THE PLEASURE OF LIVIN' WITH SAFFRON AND ME!

What on earth could be more special than that?

MOUSES!

But Saffy, bein' the suck up kinda kitty he is, decided to start early and sleep up on the bed by Peepers' tootsies the night before last which is somethin' Saffy never, ever has done before.  And he slept by her tootsies without even pouncin' on 'em or clawing 'em or biting 'em or anything like that which must have been really hard for Saffy on account of pouncin', catchin', clawin', and bitin' the peep's toes is one of his favourite pastimes, to be sure.

Guess he was too busy sleepin' to do any of that.

MOUSES!

And as for me...

Well as for me, since I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of goin' anywhere near Peepers' toes, and I don't have any other kinda gift at the ready...

And since it's already Peepers' Day, and all...

Well...

Well I guess I've decided to give her a gift certificate or somethin' similar.

BUT NOT A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR MY SLEEPIN' ON THE BED OR ANYTHIN' LIKE THAT!

'Cause I'm not that kinda kitty, you see.

But perhaps I could stretch to give her a certificate entitling Peepers one hour of givin' me chin tickles or behind the ear scritches or even belly rubs.  One whole hour of havin' me all to herself.

Now THAT sounds like THE PURRFECT PEEPERS' DAY GIFT, to be sure.  One kitties all 'round the world can give to their peeps.

And one with no stinky peep toes at the foot of the bed to be found.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

fifty ways

Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.

Hmmm....

Nope, that doesn't work for me.  I've been neutered, you see.

MOUSES!

But some guy wrote that song and made big bucks doin' so, so I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin' I, Seville the Cat, writer extraordinaire, can probably write somethin' similar.

Hmmm...

Got it!  *snaps claws*  Fifty Ways to Freak Out Your Peep.

MOUSES!

If ever there was anythin' I excel at - besides all the other stuff at which I excel, of course - it's freakin' out Peepers.  Combine my knowledge of peep freakin' with my talent for writin', and...

I'VE GOT IT MADE.

MOUSES!

I'm gonna have to do a little research, of course.  I mean, it's not like I know nothing 'bout peep freakin'.  It's not like I'll have to start from scratch.

Scratch, get it?  MOUSES!

But fifty ways is a whole lotta ways.  Might have to come up with a half dozen or so new ways to add to my repertoire.  And just in case some other cat out there decides they might wanna write a similar song...

Well OBVIOUSLY, I'm gonna have to start my research and experimentation tonight.   Yup, tonight it is.  Tonight is the night I'm gonna start freakin' out the peep.

Okay, continue.  CONTINUE freakin' out the peep.

'Cause it's not like I haven't done this before.

PLUS, I have Saffy Saffron Sassifras to help with the research.  And you know what they say.  They say, many paws make quick work.

Or somethin' like that.

MOUSES!

Why just last night, Saffy stared at a corner in the family room for like twenty minutes or so.  Well, maybe more like five.  But the point is, it was long enough for Peepers to notice and realise that whatever Saffy was starin' at, she could not see.  Like an invisible to the peep's eye apparition or somethin' like that.  And that TOTALLY freaked out the peep.  TOTALLY!  

Truth be told, I think it was some dust.  Peepers needs to get better acquainted with the duster, I think, but we won't tell her 'bout that.  Better we just let her freak out.

Note to self: Experiment with staring at nothing in different corners of the room for varied lengths of time this evenin'.  Then move on to horkin' up hairballs in various parts of the house, particularly where hairball horkin' can do the most damage.  Places like closets with shoes and stuff.

Oh, this is gonna be good.  I'm gonna totally freak out the peep.  TOTALLY.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Happy Peepers' Day

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', there's no such thing as Peepers' Day; and do you know what?  You would be right.

MOUSES!

But the thing is...

The thing is, even though today is actually MOTHER'S Day, I don't really remember my mama, so all I've got is a peep.

MOUSES!

Now to be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure why I'm celebratin' Peepers' Day, anyway.  I mean, what's there to celebrate?  Oh sure, she feeds me and keeps me safe and all that stuff, but...

But she also takes me to the vet.

And you ALL KNOW how I feel 'bout vets.

MOUSES!

She - aka Peepers - also makes rules.  Rules that are stupid as stupid can get.  Don't knock over the plants.  Don't eat the plants.  Don't pee on the plants.  You know, that sorta thing.

Like I said: STUPID.

MOUSES!

And what's more...

What's more, she went and brought Saffron into the house.  So now, not only do I have a couple of good-for-nothin' peeps, but I've got a brother as well.

MOUSES!

And just 'cause it's Peepers' Day, I'm supposed to buy her a prezzie?

Pffft.  Well I thought 'bout givin' her flowers.  I thought about doin' that, I say.  But she has lots of flowers, already.

So I fertilised her flowers, instead.

MOUSES!

But...  But...  But...  But what's the point of a day just for Peepers?  I mean, WHAT IS THE POINT?  It's not like she doesn't get to do what she likes the rest of the year.  Peepers, like most peeps, pretty much does what she likes, whenever she likes, like...  Like whenever she feels like doin' it.  Is she not actually celebratin' Peepers' Day, EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR?

And just who does she think she is, that ol' peep of mine, doin' whatever she likes any day of the year?  Who the mouses does she actually think she is?

DOES THE WOMAN THINK SHE'S A CAT?

The nerve, I tell you.  The nerve!

If you ask me, today should be a day set aside for the celebratin' of cats.

Or me.  Yeah, it could be just a day for celebratin' me.  Me, Seville the Cat.  A day called Seville the Cat Day has a nice ring to it, for sure.

Of course, every day is kinda Seville the Cat Day 'round here.

Just as it should be.

MOUSES!

So...

So HAPPY PEEPERS' SEVILLE THE CAT DAY EVERYBODY!

Yeah, that sounds about right.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

peepus interruptus

'Mongst other things.

MOUSES!

And what is a Peepus interruptus, you ask?

Well...

Well it's a peep.

Who interrupts.

MOUSES!

In other words, it's my Peepers.

MOUSES!

There I was the other day, tryin' to work on my book when into the office comes Peepers.  Well she shuffled here and she shuffled there and quite frankly, she shuffled pretty much everywhere, and then...

And then she proceeded to babble.

Like the constant shufflin' wasn't distractin' enough.

MOUSES!

And let me tell you somethin', my friends, when my peep - aka Peepers - babbles, it's THE MOST distractin' thing in the world.

It's true!  They held a competition and everythin'.

Spoiler Alert:  Peepers took first place.

MOUSES!

Now sometimes when Peepers babbles, a kitty can kinda tune her out.  You know, like one does with those sound machines and stuff.  But when she's right there, IN YOUR FACE, incessantly babblin' on about this and that, and that and this, and then some more of this and that because quite frankly, she has babbled on so much she has completely forgotten what she was goin' on about...

Well when she's doin' that, she's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to ignore.

Why, just the other day...

Uh...

Umm...

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, just the other day - the day when I was tryin' to work on my book, in fact - she was babblin' on about something 'bout not bein' able to find whatever she was lookin' for which is probably why she had been shufflin' here and there and everywhere prior to the onset of the babblin', and then because I had been TRYIN' to tune her out - quite unsuccessfully, I might add, but I had been tryin' - she decided to stop shufflin' and sit down next to me and start babblin' right in my face.

Okay, so she didn't so much sit down next to me - on account of her havin' to sit on the floor in order to do that, as I was on the chair - as she picked me up, plopped her fat tail on MY chair, and took me on her lap, which interrupted my train of thought to no end.

Trains...  You ever been on a train, my friends?

Yeah, neither have I.

Probably on account of my bein' a cat.

But the thing is...

Umm...

Oh yeah, the thing is, Peepers babbles on and on AND ON.  I'm tellin' ya, NO CAT has ever babbled on like that.  NOT EVER!

And...

And when Peepers babbles on and on AND ON IN MY FACE, she interrupts like no peep has ever interrupted before, and...

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PEEP A PEEPUS INTERRUPTUS, MY FRIENDS.

It's some kind of human subspecies, I do believe.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

forty-three weeks

 

Hmmm...

HMMM...

Boy-oh-boy, I've got nothin' to blog about today.  Nothin'.  NOTHIN'!  Nothin' as in zilch, nadda, and zippo.

MOUSES!

Although, of course...

Of course, I could always blog 'bout the stupid stuff Peepers has been doin'.  That's always good for a laugh.  But where-oh-where do I start?

Oh, I know!  I'll start at the beginnin'.

MOUSES!

So at the beginnin' of this here forty-third week - that's two hundred and thirty-four million, fifty-seven thousand, six hundred cat seconds, don't you know - of the pandemic, Peepers was pretty much up to the regular stupid stuff she has a propensity to do.  Well, regular plus a couple new additions, I should say.

The week started with her breakin' a plate, you see.  Not on purpose, mind you.  It's not like she threw it against a wall, or anythin' like that - I don't think - but she broke it, nonetheless.  Slipped out of her hand when she was gettin' it down from the shelf.  Or so she said.

I, of course, couldn't care less.  Nope, not even if I tried.  I mean, it was a soup plate.  DO I LOOK LIKE A KITTY WHO EATS SOUP?

She's just lucky it wasn't one of MY plates.  Now THAT I would have cared about, for sure.

MOUSES!

Next on the peep's list of stupid stuff peeps shouldn't do, was when she dropped the needle she was usin' for sewin'.

Not that I really cared 'bout the needle bein' dropped, as at the time she wasn't puttin' her sewin' skills to good use, anyway.  In other words, she was sewin' somethin' stupid.  A scrunchie for her hair, I do believe.  DO I LOOK LIKE A KITTY WHO WEARS HAIR SCRUNCHIES?

Had she been sewin' up a nippy biff bag for me, it would have been different.  Now THAT I would have cared about, for sure.

MOUSES!

Well after spendin' like two hours or somethin' lookin' for that darned needle in a haystack...  I mean, carpet - to make sure it didn't end up in one of my paws, you see - I figured Peepers had done enough stupid stuff for one week...

But OH NO, NOT MY PEEP.

A cat should never underestimate the stupidity of peeps.

So after the stupid broken plate and silly lost needle, Peepers decided to outdo herself, for sure.  That was when...

That was when...

That was about when Peepers knocked over the container of bird seed.  Not that I actually care 'bout spilled birdseed and ridiculous stuff like that.  I mean, DO I LOOK LIKE A KITTY WHO EATS SEEDS MEANT FOR BIRDS?

Had it been my kibble, it would have been a totally different matter.  Now THAT I would have cared about, for sure.

MOUSES!

So after the four cups of assorted seeds ended up scattered all over the floor...

Well that's when I decided that enough was enough, and sat ol' Peepers down.  "YOU BEEN INTO THE NIP?" I said.

Her answer was no.

Then she hiccuped.

And did I hear a slight slur to her words?

Nah, just kiddin' my friends.  Peepers was as sober as sober can be.  If there's one thing I can say 'bout my peep with one hundred percent certainty, it's that SHE DON'T NEED NO ALCOHOL OR NIP TO BE STUPID AND CLUMSY AND STUFF.

*burp*

Nope, no sirree.  MY peep does stupid clumsy stuff all on her own.  Completely sober.   No inebriation required.

MOUSES!

And in other news...  I hear the Government of Nova Scotia is plannin' on introducin' a new statutory  holiday.  Gonna be called STUPID PEEPERS' DAY, in honour of my peep.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-nine weeks

You know somethin'?

Of course you do.  EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.

Now that somethin' might be silly, like the stupid stuff Peepers knows, or it might be important like the IMPORTANT stuff we cats know, but...

But EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.  Right?

AM I RIGHT?

Of course I am.

You know, on account of my bein' a cat.

MOUSES!

Now where was I...

Oh yeah, I was gonna tell you what I figured out the other night.  I, Seville the Cat, figured out that Peepers - MY PEEP #1 - is a superhero.

MOUSES!

It's true, I tell you.  IT'S TRUE!

And do you know how I know?

Well...

Well 'cause I was surfin' the web the other night, lookin' for chicks...  I mean, LADYcats, and...

And I uh...

Umm....

Oh yeah, I was surfin' and I came across the profile of some ladycat who goes by the name, Cat Woman.

Turns out, she's not actually a cat.

Think that's what they call catfishin'.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, this Cat Woman chick, who is not actually a cat, is what peeps call a SUPERHERO.  Yup, she's a hero...

Heroine?

Whatever.

I think she might actually be both.

MOUSES!

SO ANYWAY...

So anyway, this superhero named Cat Woman wears a mask.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY PEEPERS WEARS A MASK, TOO.

Yup, it's true.  It really, really IS true!  Every time Peepers goes out to the store or takes me to the doctor - which, by the way, is very UNheroine-like of her if you ask me, but even heroes have to have at least one flaw - or goes to the mall or goes into any indoor public space...

SHE FIRST PUTS ON A MASK.

MOUSES!

But then I got to thinkin', do ALL superheroes wear masks?

Well it turns out, not all of them do.  Some just turn big and green and kinda...

Well...

Ugly.

I'm sorry, that's not very nice of me.  I should rephrase that 'cause after all, beauty IS on the inside, not the outer surface, and...

Well...

Well let's just say The Hulk turns green, and leave it at that.

MOUSES!

But even though some superheroes don't wear masks, a whole whack of 'em do.

Just like my peep.

So OBVIOUSLY, my peep is a superhero, too.

MOUSES!

Hard to believe I've been cooped up here in this ol' house with a real live superhero for like one hundred and fifty-seven million, eight hundred and fifty-two thousand, eight hundred cat seconds...

BUT IT'S TRUE.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-eight weeks

Well here we are, twenty-eight weeks into this ol' pandemic thingy.  One hundred and fifty-two MILLION, four hundred and nine thousand, six hundred cat seconds into it, and...

And do you know how we're celebratin'?

We're celebratin' by Peep #1 havin' a birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEEPERS!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

How does it feel to be one hundred and twenty-two million years old?

You're NOT?

Hmmm...  Hold on a sec.  Let me check my math.

Okay.  I've got it sorted now.  I forgot to carry the nine.  How does it feel to be three hundred and seven million years old, Peepers?  HOW DOES IT FEEL?

What, AGAIN with the complaints 'bout my math?

Never pays to argue with an old geezer, I guess.

Geezerette?

Whatever.

MOUSES!

So anyway, I've got it all planned out.  I'm makin' Peepers a special birthday dinner today, in honour of her special day.  First I'll open up a tin of salmon and shrimp feasts of the fancy, then...

Yeah, yeah, I know.  I know Peepers is a vegetarian and doesn't eat those kinds of things.

That just leaves all the more for me.

MOUSES!

Then after we..  I mean, I polish off the appetiser, I'll open up a tin of the fanciest of the feasts beef.  I was gonna go with the chopped grill selection, on account of my lovin'...  Um...  On account of it bein' such a wonderful variety that I enjoy and thought the peep might, too, but the word "chopped" sounded kinda common, you know?  And today IS Peepers' birthday, so I figured beef flavour might be better.  I'm gonna serve it with a creamy nip sauce which'll fancy it right up for her.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  I know!  I know all 'bout Peepers bein' a vegetarian.  Didn't we discuss this before?

So anyway, after the salmon and shrimp appetiser and beef flavoured entree, for dessert, I have catnip ice cream.  Mmmm...  It's gonna be absolutely delicious, I am sure.

Yup, I made that ol' ice cream all by myself with my very own catnip.  I even milked the cow and everythin'.

OKAY, so I didn't actually milk the cow, on account of my not havin' a cow to milk.

I don't even know any cows.

MOUSES!

But nevertheless, I DID make the ice cream.

And it's gonna be DELICIOUS, I tell you.  DELICIOUS!

I added tuna water for extra flavour.

MOUSES!

And what if the peep doesn't like catnip ice cream, you ask?

Well...

WELL THEN, ALL THE MORE FOR ME!

MOUSES!

And for her prezzie, I'm givin' Peepers the gift of my company.  Yup, I'm gonna let her tickle my tummy and give me chin scritches, and everythin'.  Might even let her scratch behind my ears!

After all, I do like all those things.

SO I'M THINKIN' PEEPERS WILL LOVE BEIN' ABLE TO DO THEM FOR ME.

I know, I know...  I know you simply can't get over what a thoughtful kitty I am, can you.

Not a question.  Statement of fact.

MOUSES!

So what do all you cats out there do for YOUR peeps on their birthdays?  Same as me?  I highly recommend it, for sure.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

happy peeper's day

Mornin' Peepers.  Happy Peeper's Day.

I said, MORNIN'!  HAPPY PEEPER'S DAY!

Boy-oh-boy Peepers.  Are you hard of hearin' or somethin'?

HAPPY PEEPER'S DAY!!!

MOUSES!

What?  What's that?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Yeah, it is six in the mornin'.  And yeah, it's a Sunday, too.  Nice to know you can tell time.

MOUSES!

But OF COURSE I had to get you up early today.  It's Peeper's Day, Peepers.  A day when kitties like me celebrate by bringin' joy to their peeps.  And the sooner I get you up, the sooner you'll be able to join in on the celebratin', too.

Makes sense, no?

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, since today is Peeper's Day and all that, I have a full day of excitement and entertainment in the works for you.  Today is gonna be a fun-filled day, for sure.

MOUSES!

We'll start off by your gettin' me my breakkies, and...

What?  What's that?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Well you didn't let me finish, did you.  Not a question; statement of fact.  Yes, I know that on Mother's Day, baby peeps usually get their mama's their breakkies and stuff.  But that's not how cats roll, ya ol' peep.  On Peeper's Day, you, the peep, still have to get me my breakkies, but...

But I'm not gonna complain or anythin' if I don't like it.

MOUSES!

Then after breakkies, I figured I'd give you your Peeper's Day prezzies.

By the way, you LIKE nip mice, right?

Just checkin'.

Oh, and don't worry, it's only slightly used.  You'll hardly even notice.  In fact, had I not mentioned the used part, you probably wouldn't have noticed at all.  I mean, there's just a teeny-tiny bit of slobber on one little part.

MOUSES!

Now after the openin' of the prezzies, I'll be ready for my mid-mornin' nap, and...


Let me finish, would ya?

AND, if you would care to take a nap with me, I shall allow it.  You know, on account of it bein' Peeper's Day and all that.

MOUSES!

Now when I wake up from my mid-mornin' nap, I'll be expectin' a snack or somethin' like that.  And since it's Peeper's Day, I'll share!

MOUSES!

We'll probably wanna work some playtime in about then.  You know, after my post nap snack.  Peepers, would you prefer chasin' a knitted ball, a nip mouse, or a feather toy?  Oh, I know!  How 'bout a tasslerope?  Better yet, how 'bout my teaser?  Oh yeah, that's one of the best toys of all.  I'll stand on the chesterfield and dangle it before your eyes, and you can try to grab onto it, and...

What?  What's that?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh yeah.  I forgot how you, bein' a peep and all, weren't all that good at chasin' and catchin' cat toys and stuff.  Hmmm...

Tell you what.  We'll play with my toys in the traditional way.  You know, where you do my biddin' and dangle whatever toy I want to chase at the time.

Sound good?

Of course it does.

MOUSES!

Now about lunch.  Since it's Peeper's Day and all, I'll let you choose which kinda fanciest of the feasts you'd like to prepare for me.  No questions asked.  And by that I mean, I won't complain 'bout your choices.  Then after lunch...

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAININ' ABOUT NOW?

Oh.

Hmmm...

You're wonderin' how come Peeper's Day is very much like any ol' regular day around here.  You're wonderin' how come you, the peep, are still required to do my biddin' on Peeper's Day, just like any other day.

Really?

Well did you not hear the bit 'bout how I was gonna let YOU choose what kinda tins you'd open?

And did you not hear the bit 'bout how I wasn't gonna complain 'bout your choices?

What's more, did you not hear the bit 'bout how the nip mouse I'm givin' you is only SLIGHTLY used?

Mouses, Peepers.  You know, I was kinda joking earlier when I asked if you were hard of hearin', but I'm tellin' ya, I'm thinkin' you really are hard of hearin', for sure.  I mean, YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANY OF THE IMPORTANT STUFF 'bout the plans I made for you on Peeper's Day, or anythin'.  You really must be SUPER hard of hearin', for sure.

*sighs in a huffy, fed-up-with-the-peep kinda way*

So Peepers, why don't we play it like this:  You accept this slightly used nip mouse as a gift from me for Peeper's Day, and for the rest of the day we'll just do what we normally do.

Okay?

Okay.

After all, when you think about it, EVERY day is Peeper's Day, when a peep is lucky enough to live in a house with such a wonderful cat as me.

MOUSES!