birds

Knock it off!

KNOCK IT OFF!

I SAID, KNOCK IT OFF OUT THERE, YOU STUPID BIRDS!!!

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya...

Birds.

MOUSES!

Peepers.  PEEPERS!  Peepers, this is all your fault, you know.  It's ALL. YOUR. FAULT.  If you hadn't fed those darned birds all last winter, then planted a whole bunch of stuff for 'em to eat in the summer, they wouldn't be hangin' out in the garden next to MY office window, right now.  YOU are to blame, Peepers.  You are TOTALLY to blame.

MOUSES!

Actually, I wouldn't mind 'em all that much if it weren't for that incessant noise they keep makin'.  All that cawin' and squawkin' and stuff.

They're disturbin' my peace!

They're almost as bad as the peep when she caterwauls.  Not quite, but pretty darned close.

MOUSES!

I know!  I shall call the RCMP and let 'em know there's a flock of crows and blue jays in my yard all hootin' and hollerin; and disturbin' the peace.

Now let's see...  Nine...  One...

PEEPERS!  You might wanna check on those birds.

I DON'T CARE if you're not bothered by their loud cawin'.  I'm phonin' the police 'cause I'M bothered by all that noise.  But you might wanna get out there toot suite, my peep, 'cause I'm bettin' you'll be bothered by what they've started doin' now.

Don't tell me to wipe that Cheshire Cat grin off my face.  That grin is there for a reason.  That grin is there 'cause I know somethin' you don't know, and I know you'll be upset when you do know, too.

One.

*ring a ling ding*

Gosh darn it, police put me on hold.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah, Peepers.  I'm tellin' ya, you had best get out there now.  I'd come with you but I'm still on the phone.  I'm on hold.

Oh, hello there Mr. Police Person, Sir.  Seville the Cat, here.  I'm callin' to let you know...

WHAT?

They hung up on me.

MOUSES!

You'd think they'd never before been called by a cat.

MOUSES!

Well I'll just have to take care of those birds, myself, then.  Take matters into my own four paws.  I'll just have to let those birds know who's boss 'round here, and...

Oh, here comes Peepers back from outside, now.

Told ya.  Yup, I told you, you wouldn't be happy.  I TOLD YOU.

Hehehehehehehe...

Whatcha doin' there, Peepers?  Who are ya gonna call?  Don't bother callin' the police 'cause if they're not takin' calls from me, they're definitely not gonna take one from you.  I mean, I'M a cat, and you...   Well you're norhin' more than a mere peep.  A peepling, in fact.  A...

YOU GOT THROUGH?

MOUSES!

Well you don't need 'em, Peepers.  'Cause I'm headin' out there right now and I'm gonna deal with those birds once and for all.  By the time I'm through with 'em, it'll be quiet 'round here, and I'll be able to get back to my nap...  I MEAN, back to workin' on my book.

MOUSES!

Be back in a sec.

OH MY MOUSES, PEEPERS!  CALL THE POLICE!  CALL THE POLICE!  THERE'S A BUNCH OF ANGRY BIRDS OUT THERE BEIN' EVEN LOUDER THAN BEFORE, AND IT'S LIKE THEY'RE READY TO ATTACK.  THEY'RE HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN' AND SWOOPIN' AND FLAPPIN' THEIR WINGS, AND...

AND IT'S MAYHEM AND MADNESS, FOR SURE!

Plus, they've been busy pullin' out a whole whack of your plants.  At first, I thought they thought it was a game of some sort, but now...

But now, I think they're preparin' for war.

Those birds mean business, Peepers.  They mean business, for sure.

BIRDS.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-nine weeks

You know somethin'?

Of course you do.  EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.

Now that somethin' might be silly, like the stupid stuff Peepers knows, or it might be important like the IMPORTANT stuff we cats know, but...

But EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.  Right?

AM I RIGHT?

Of course I am.

You know, on account of my bein' a cat.

MOUSES!

Now where was I...

Oh yeah, I was gonna tell you what I figured out the other night.  I, Seville the Cat, figured out that Peepers - MY PEEP #1 - is a superhero.

MOUSES!

It's true, I tell you.  IT'S TRUE!

And do you know how I know?

Well...

Well 'cause I was surfin' the web the other night, lookin' for chicks...  I mean, LADYcats, and...

And I uh...

Umm....

Oh yeah, I was surfin' and I came across the profile of some ladycat who goes by the name, Cat Woman.

Turns out, she's not actually a cat.

Think that's what they call catfishin'.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, this Cat Woman chick, who is not actually a cat, is what peeps call a SUPERHERO.  Yup, she's a hero...

Heroine?

Whatever.

I think she might actually be both.

MOUSES!

SO ANYWAY...

So anyway, this superhero named Cat Woman wears a mask.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY PEEPERS WEARS A MASK, TOO.

Yup, it's true.  It really, really IS true!  Every time Peepers goes out to the store or takes me to the doctor - which, by the way, is very UNheroine-like of her if you ask me, but even heroes have to have at least one flaw - or goes to the mall or goes into any indoor public space...

SHE FIRST PUTS ON A MASK.

MOUSES!

But then I got to thinkin', do ALL superheroes wear masks?

Well it turns out, not all of them do.  Some just turn big and green and kinda...

Well...

Ugly.

I'm sorry, that's not very nice of me.  I should rephrase that 'cause after all, beauty IS on the inside, not the outer surface, and...

Well...

Well let's just say The Hulk turns green, and leave it at that.

MOUSES!

But even though some superheroes don't wear masks, a whole whack of 'em do.

Just like my peep.

So OBVIOUSLY, my peep is a superhero, too.

MOUSES!

Hard to believe I've been cooped up here in this ol' house with a real live superhero for like one hundred and fifty-seven million, eight hundred and fifty-two thousand, eight hundred cat seconds...

BUT IT'S TRUE.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

I'z so conflicted!

 

I'z so conflicted!

I'Z SO CONFLICTED!

I'Z SO...

Hold on there, Peepers.  Don't you go closin' that door just yet.

I'M STILL CONFLICTED.

MOUSES!

What to do, what to do...  What on Earth is a kitty to do?

Do I go outside?  The ground looks kinda wet.  I'm pretty sure it's been rainin'.

BUT THE BREEZE FEELS SO NICE ON MY FURS.

Hmmm....  I could just sit here by the back door, I suppose.  You know, sit here with the door wide open.  I could just sit here for a while enjoyin' the lovely breeze while stayin' indoors, out of the drizzle and rain.

But what if that breeze were to get stronger and slam the door shut?  What if it slammed the door shut while I was sittin' here, and...

Oh, that's too horrible to even think about.

MOUSES!

But you know...   What good is havin' a peep, if you can't make use of 'em, right?  AM I RIGHT?  Right.

Peepers, you don't mind standin' there by this here back door, holdin' onto it to make sure it doesn't slam shut on me while I sit here enjoyin' the fresh air, do you?

Of course you don't.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN you do mind?  Have you forgotten you're nothin' more than a lowly peep?

Besides, it's not like I'm gonna be here for long.  An hour or two, tops.  Well...  Well maybe three.  I might feel like takin' a short nap, and...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT WILLIN' TO STAND THERE HOLDIN' ONTO THE DOOR FOR ME ALL AFTERNOON?

Of all the no good for nothin' peeps.

MOUSES!

Okay, how 'bout this, then?  How 'bout you SIT there by the door, holdin' onto it so that it doesn't slam shut on me while I'm sittin' here...

Well you can go get yourself a CHAIR, woman!  I didn't say you had to sit on the floor.

Although truth be told, if the floor is good enough for me...

MOUSES!

Why are you countin', Peepers?  Why have you started countin'?

YOU'RE WHAT?  You're countin' to three, and by the time you get to three the door is gonna be shut one way or the other, so I have to decide on which side of the door I wanna be?

BUT I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE.  IT COULD RAIN ON ME!

You know I'm not partial to that.

No, I can't stay inside, either.  I'm enjoyin' the fresh air, and...

*Three.*

You...  You...  You...

YOU...

YOU CLOSED THE BACK DOOR ON ME.

MOUSES!

Well that's that, then, I guess.  But just so you know, Peepers, I'M STILL CONFLICTED.  Oh sure, I may no longer be conflicted 'bout whether I should go outside or stay in.  Hard to be conflicted 'bout that since you went and made my decision for me, but...

BUT I'M STILL CONFLICTED, PEEPERS.  I'm still conflicted, for sure.  I'm just conflicted 'bout other stuff, is all.

What to do, what to do...

Should I teach Peepers a lesson by peein' on her sweater?  Or should I perhaps poop in her shoe?  Or maybe I should just throw up on the floor next to her bed.  Right where she puts her feet in the mornin' when gettin' up.  That's the best place for tossin' one's cookies, for sure.

So many decisions for a kitty to make.

WHAT IS A KITTY TO DO?

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.