of all the...

Of all the...

MOUSES!

Of all the mousin', moused-up, stupid things...

MOUSES!

Peepers, just what the mouses do you think you are doin'?

Did I hear correctly?  Are you seriously puttin' perfume on us cats?  Perfume?  PERFUME?  Are you seriously puttin' perfume on Saffy and me?

'Cause if you are...

'Cause if you are tryin' to put perfume on Saffy and me, I want you to know in no uncertain terms that as cats, WE DO NOT WEAR STINKY OL' PERFUME.  Stinky ol' perfume is reserved for stinky ol' peeps, who probably need to wear it in order to cover up their general...

Well, you know...

Stink.

Yes Peepers, I am well aware you wear perfume all the time.

I rest my case.

MOUSES!

But let me remind you: as a cat, I DO NOT WEAR STINKY PERFUME.

Okay, so there was that one time.  But in my defence, I was pretty nipped up when it happened.  AND HOW WAS I TO KNOW those clothes I was nappin' on had the remnants of perfumery stink?

Took me ages to wash off that rose-smellin' smell.

MOUSES!

But back to the topic at paw.  Saffron has told me you caught him and held him and applied stinky perfume to the back of his neck.  AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', ol' peep of mine: Saffy was none-to-pleased 'bout the experience, to be sure.

Plus...  Now...  He stinks.

Or so I've been told.

MOUSES!

You were what?

Oh.

Well that's not too bad, I suppose.  I had noticed Saffy was scratchin' and stuff and yeah, I DID FIGURE it could be on account of his encounterin' fleas.  Or ticks.  Or ticks with fleas.

Do ticks even get fleas?

No matter.  Yeah, I had noticed all that.  So I guess one might say it's a good thing you dabbed him with the flea stuff on the back of his neck.  After all, if Saffy were to get fleas, he might give 'em to me and I don't want anyone givin' me fleas.

Not even my brother.

MOUSES!

Peepers, why are you lookin' at me like that?

Peepers, why is there a gleam in your eyes?

PEEPERS, WHAT ARE YOU...

WHY ARE YOU...

Gosh darn it, now I've been dabbed on the back of the neck.

Now I'M gonna stink, too!

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

I've still got it

"Is that a new perfume, Peepers?"

"It smells..."

"Hmmm..."

"It smells kinda FUNKY, if you ask me."

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, it all started early one mornin', when the peep, bein' a peep, informed me that someone had sprayed on a chair.  A chair that just happened to have some clothes lyin' on it.

Well if you ask me, chairs aren't supposed to be used as clothes closets in the first place, so if you go around leavin' clothes lyin' about on 'em, you're just askin' for trouble with a capital 'T'.

MOUSES!

I, of course, bein' the ever so helpful kitty I am, immediately pointed that out to the peep.

Then, I, bein' the EXTREMELY EVER SO HELPFUL kitty I am, explained to the peep how she should take care not to do stuff like...  Well...  Well like sprayin' on chairs and clothes and things.  'Cause sprayin' is simply not becomin' of a peep.

I also added that accordin' to several advertisements on TV, there are products available to treat issues like these.

Yeah, well it kinda went downhill after that.

The conversation, I mean.  Not the pee.

Although...

Never mind.

MOUSES!

You know, there I was, bein' SO VERY, VERY HELPFUL, explainin' how important it is to get to the litter box before...  Well, you know...  Before it's too late, when...

"Oh sure, accidents can happen," I explained to the peep, "but they don't need to, you see.  You just have to..."

And that, my friends, is where the conversation hit rock bottom, for sure.

And when I say rock bottom, I mean the very bottom rock, underneath a whole big ol' pile of rocks, lyin' at the bottom of a bottomless pit of rocks.

Or somethin' like that.

MOUSES!

But I, never one to give up, forged ahead.

With the conversation, I mean.

"You just have to..." I began, again.  "HEY.  PEEPERS!   ARE YOU EVEN LISTENIN' TO ME?" I politely enquired.

Okay, so maybe not quite politely, for seriously, it was time to switch gears.

"So what you're sayin' there, Peepers, is that it wasn't YOU who sprayed on the chair.  Hmmm...  Interestin'..."

"WELL IT CERTAINLY WASN'T ME!" I cried with indignation, realising the peep might be tryin' to palm the blame off on a TOTALLY BLAMELESS marmalade cat.

"No one's sayin' it was me, are they?" I enquired.  "Because let me tell you..." I huffed.  "LET ME TELL YOU..." I puffed.  "LET ME..."

"Now um...  What chair did you say that was, again, Peepers?"

No, my friends.  I was NOT acceptin' responsibility.  I was NOT suggestin' there was a possibility, as remote as such a possibility could be, that I, Seville the Cat, could be responsible for...  Well, you know...  The pee.

I was simply dottin' my 'i's and crossin' my 't's.

MOUSES!

I sat back on my haunches and looked up at the peep.  "Peepers," I said.  "You and I both know I never make messes outside of the litter box.  And I hardly ever spray.  Oh sure, there WAS that one time when I sprayed on a peep..."

I stopped myself short, for in hindsight, I realised, unfortunately AFTER lettin' it slip, that it might not be wise to remind the peep about how once upon a time, a VERY LONG time ago, I had, in fact, sprayed upon a peep.  And that that peep just happened to be her.

MOUSES!

But to be fair, that one time, way back when, occurred right after I had recovered from a bout of the crystals.

Plus, it was Valentine's Day.

So, you know...

MOUSES!

"But Peepers, that little Valentine's Day incident aside, you and I both know I WOULD NEVER spray on a chair."

I stopped myself short once more.

"What chair was that again?  I don't believe you ever actually said."

Well the look on the Peep's face told me all I needed to know.

"ANDY DID IT!" I cried.  "It was Andy, for sure.  Oh yeah, sprayin' on a chair?  That sounds just like a thing an Andy would do."

And the peep, bein' a peep, BELIEVED ME.

What can I say?

I've still got it.

MOUSES!

we're gonna have nip!

MOUSES!  I spend a day in the tropical island paradise of the Turks and Caicos Islands, lookin' for plumies and whatnot and ol' Mother Nature starts messin' around with the weather up here in Canada.  It's true.  You'll never guess what happened last week.

Seville and I had our little tropical adventure last Wednesday, arrivin' home late Wednesday night.  Then on Thursday mornin' we awoke to... FROST!  Yes, you heard that correctly. Sometime overnight, Ol' Jack Frost made his presence known and left frosty white frost, all over the place.

Oohhh...  the peep was upset.  Awakening to frost on the 29th of May is a very upsettin' thing for a peep.  Me?  I wasn't too concerned although it did interfere with my nappin' abilities.  Hard to nap with all that huffin' and puffin' and stompin' around of a peep who is that upset and believe you me... Peep #1 was THAT upset.

Actually, some of the frost was kind of pretty.  The violets in the so-called lawn that has more violets than grass were all outlined with white.  The leaves were all sparkly and whatnot.  And there's a giant thistle in the backyard that looked spectacular.  Could have made a Christmas ornament with it's leaves all frosty like that.  Kind of looked a little bit like holly, last Thursday mornin'.

Ummm...   You're probably wonderin' why there's a giant thistle in the backyard.  Well...  we had a thistle growin' near there last year and I guess it set seed.  I have been monitoring this new thistle's growth since it first appeared a few weeks ago.  I didn't say anything to the peep about it though on account of the likelihood of her gettin' rid of it had she known it was there.  It's in the lawn, you see... amongst the violets.  But I don't want her to get rid of it 'cause goldfinches like thistle seed and fluff and I like watchin' goldfinches.  Hmmm...  I think it's the goldfinches that like the thistles. Someone does.  I know that for sure.  I also know that I will enjoy watchin' whoever it is that likes 'em.  Gotta keep that thistle growin'.  Gotta keep the peep away from it.  I know that, too.

But back to the frost.  It was everywhere!  You should have seen the car.  When I first saw it, I thought I had miscalculated my return teleportation from the Turks and Caicos Islands and somehow arrived home in January or somethin'.  MOUSES!

The peonies were all droopy and the peep wondered if the buds would ever open.  They have since recovered and things are lookin' good on that front.  The lilies all looked dead.  They, too, are on the mend.

There weren't many blossoms on the peach tree this year but those that were there are...   well... toast comes to mind.  Burnt toast, if you know what I mean.  The blossoms on one cherry tree seem okay but the second tree is servin' burnt toast just like the peach.

Thankfully, the blossoms on the big crab apple tree hadn't really blossomed yet and were spared any damage.  I was quite concerned about those blossoms.  Sure, they're pretty and all and I know the peeps really like sniffin' the air when they're bloomin' but I was concerned that if the blossoms were killed, there would be no little crab apples for the birds to eat in the winter.  That would really interfere with the January programming of Bird TV, if you know what I mean.  Can't have that.

And speakin' of peeps sniffin' the air when the crab apple tree is in bloom.  Anyone know if anybody makes bottles of stink that smell like apple blossoms?  Peep #1 just goes crazy for that smell.  I prefer nip - of course - but the peep has weird taste and obviously, an even weirder sense of smell.  I kind of think she'd like it if I gave her a bottle of stink that smelled like apple blossoms.

And speakin' of stinky stuff.  The lilacs and lilies-of-the-valley completely escaped the wrath of Mother Nature and Jack Frost.  They're bloomin' now and even I have to admit that they're fillin' the air with nice smells.  Not as nice as the delicious scent of a field of nip but really and truly, pretty nice, indeed.

Hmmm...  I wonder if they make bottles of stink that smell like lilacs or lilies of the valley.  Anyone know?

Better yet, does anyone know if they make bottles of stink that smell of nip?  Wow!  If Peep #1 were to wear nip perfume...  IT WOULD BE HEAVENLY.

And speakin' of the nip.  I have good news on the nip front.  You know the seeds the peep planted a few weeks ago?  They all have true leaves now.  They're lookin' pretty good, actually.  And just yesterday I was sniffin' around the cage in which she planted nip seeds before.  You remember.  It was the time when she failed miserably in her nip-growin' attempts on account of the nip seed not germinating.  Well...  I FOUND NIP!  Just three little plants and they are really little.  Just an inch high or so but...  they're nip!  There's hope for Ol' Peepers yet.

Let me tell you, findin' those nip plants yesterday was like findin' a long-lost treasure.  It was like findin' the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.  It made my day.  It made my week. My gosh...  it made my year!  Glory be...  we're gonna have nip!  FINALLY, the peep has managed to do somethin' right and when that somethin' is growin' nip, it's a very good thing, indeed.