oh dear...

Oh dear...

Oh dearie, dearie me...

Oh dear!

Wait a minute.  Just hold on, there...

Dear?

Nope, that is not correct.  It's deer.

Better.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' those deer have been munchin' on the peep's roses again.

Well, I'm sure they would if they could, but they can't 'cause they've already eaten all of those.

MOUSES!

Yup, we've had deer.  We've probably had deer all spring and all summer long.  First they ate all the tulips.  Then they ate the roses.  Oh, and they ate Peepers' broccolini, too.

Who the mouses wants to eat broccolini?  It tastes kinda like broccoli, you know.  And who the mouses wants to eat THAT?

Apparently, deer do.

MOUSES!

But even though those deer were usin' my yard as an all-you-can-eat buffet all summer long...

And even though we found the damage they did, over and over again...

We never once saw any deer.

I had almost convinced the ol' peep it wasn't deer eatin' her stuff, but rather little green aliens from outer space.

Almost.

I was THIS close to convincin' her of that.

'Til one day last week...

WHEN SHE ACTUALLY SAW DEER.

Right there in my backyard!

MOUSES!

Yup, a mama and two babies.  Yup, a mama deer and her two babies were right out there in my backyard.

Well, not exactly babies.  Probably the equivalent of teens.

Twin teens.  TWINS!

I bet that mama was sayin' oh dear.

MOUSES!

And in other news, Peepers' daffy down dilly bulbs arrived yesterday in the mail.  She's gonna plant 'em where she planted tulips, last fall.

Bet they won't wanna eat those.

The daffies, I mean.

But they sure did enjoy eatin' the tulips.

MOUSES!

interlopin' antelope

Gosh darn it, Peepers, we've got some interlopers, for sure.

And FYI, you're gonna have to do somethin' about that.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Interlopers.  You know, interlopers.  Someone or somethin' who worms their way into somethin' or somewhere where they're not wanted.  Interlopers.  Do I have to explain everythin' to you?

MOUSES!

Wait a minute.  Now that I think about it...

Now that I think about it, they weren't actually interlopers.  They were antelope.  Yeah, it was antelope that I meant.

Silly me.

MOUSES!

But now that we've cleared all that up, it would be best for you to start dealin' with those antelope right now.  If they start playin' around here, they'll wreck havoc with my nip plants, come spring.

And then they'll be interlopin' antelope, for sure.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

We don't have antelope here?

Hmmm...

Nope, I'm pretty sure you're wrong 'bout that, there, ol' peep of mine.  Which, when you think about it, is somethin' you're probably used to by now.

Bein' wrong, I mean.

MOUSES!

But like I was sayin', you're gonna have to deal with those antelope.  Let 'em know they should play ELSEWHERE.

MOUSES!

And while you're at it, you could...

Oh what the mouses are you gripin' about now?

Like I said, Peepers, there were antelope.  Right out there in our yard.  Well technically, they weren't in the yard.  YET.  They were still out on the road when I saw 'em, but chances are they were on their way into our yard.  Which would be fine if they would confine their munchin' to YOUR plants and stuff, but I'm worried 'bout my nip plants, you see, and...

WHAT THE MOUSES ARE YOU GRIPIN' ABOUT NOW?

Hmmm...

Hmmm....

Well...

Well yeah, I suppose they COULD have been deer.  A big ol' horde of antelope-impostering, hungry ol' deer.

IMPOSTERING IS TOO AN ACTUAL WORD.

I used it in a sentence and everythin'.

MOUSES!

FINE.  What I saw out there early this mornin' MIGHT have been three or four deer, and not an actual horde.

BUT THEY STILL COULD GET INTO MY NIP PLANTS, COME SPRING.

So best you do somethin' about them now.

Like what?  Well, I don't know.  Offer 'em up an alternative menu of tulips and roses like you did last year.  I'm sure if you feed 'em enough of your silly ol' flowers, they'll leave my precious catnip alone.

Seriously, I really do have to explain everythin' to you, Peepers, don't I.

Not a question.  It's a statement of fact.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

oh dear

Oh dear...

OH dear...

Oh deary deary dear...

Oh.... deer?

That's better.

MOUSES!

You can thank me later, Peepers!

When you find my bill in the mail.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, some of you out there might remember the problems ol' Peepers had, last winter, with the deer.

What?  What's that?  You mean I forgot to tell you all about the deer?

Oh dear...

MOUSES!

WELL, last winter, there was a whole whackin' herd...

Or I suppose it might have been just one family...

Perhaps just a couple of pals.  Who happened to be deer.  And who happened to use Peepers' garden as some sorta highway.

They must have been comin' from the road, cuttin' through the trees, then walkin' through the garden to get to the compost bins and stuff.  And anythin' lyin' in the path of those deer, got trod on along the way.

BUT DON'T WORRY!  Don't you be worryin' about my catnip.  My nip plants were safe 'cause they weren't planted 'round there.

But as for Peepers' Iceland Poppies...

Well they didn't fare quite so well.

MOUSES!

That's right, come springtime last year, there were deer hoof prints ALL OVER the place.  Those prints were here and there and pretty much everywhere, INCLUDIN' the raised bed with all Peepers' poppies.

A lot of 'em got all mushed.

The poppies, I mean.

MOUSES!

Now let me tell you somethin', my friends: deer might not wanna EAT Iceland Poppies, but they sure don't mind mushing 'em right into the ground.

MOUSES!

BUT THANKS TO MY GENIUS-LIKE THINKIN', Peepers put those greenhouse frames up last September.  There are no plastic coverings, or anythin'.  Only the frames.  But JUST AS I THOUGHT would happen, the deer are now walkin' AROUND the raised beds, instead of straight through 'em.

Like I KNEW that they would.

So even though there may be a whole mess of hoof prints out there, there're not nearly as MESSY as one might expect.

Mess of...  Messy...  Get it?

Heeheeheeheehee...

MOUSES!

But anyway, those deer are followin' the paths between the flower beds in nice, straight, neat lines, and by gosh and by golly...

By gosh and by golly...

By gosh and by golly, there are NO MUSHED UP PLANTS to be found.

Turns out I, Seville the Cat, am a deer-wrangler at heart.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

dig it and they will come

Build it and they will come.

I think that's what they said.

Well it was somethin' like that, for sure.  Of course, they weren't talking 'bout Peepers.  Nope, they weren't talking 'bout anythin' Peepers built, for sure.

'Less, of course, they were talking 'bout rescuers comin' to rescue whomever was trapped in whatever the peep built, 'CAUSE ANYTHIN' PEEPERS BUILDS is bound to be a disaster waitin' to happen, for sure. 

Woman doesn't know a screw from a nail.

MOUSES!

Now, I wonder if anyone has ever said the followin': dig it and they will come.

Anyone know?

MOUSES!

Turns out, someone does know.  I know.  Yup, I know the answer, for sure.  Of course, I know the answer to lots of questions and things.  Pretty much practically EVERYTHIN'.

And if I don't know, I just make it up.

MOUSES!

And by the way, the answer is yes.  Yes, someone has said, dig it and they will come.  In fact, I said it earlier today.  Said it yesterday, too.  And do you know somethin' else, my friends?  Do you?

IT'S TRUE!  Yup, the sayin' is absolutely, one hundred and fifty-three percent true.

Give or take a percentage point, or two.

MOUSES!

So on account of my sayin' the sayin' and bein' correct about it and all, Peepers now has an eight foot long mini-greenhouse frame sittin' in her flower bed, two packages of aluminium foil plates - made from recycled aluminium, of course, 'cause Peepers loves the planet and everythin'  - in the kitchen waitin' to be used, a big ol' pile of twigs and things next to the garden bed with the mini-greenhouse frame, and she is currently pickin' hot chilli peppers she plans to chop up later and scatter all over said bed.  And then...

Pardon me?  Pardon?  Why is she doin' all that, you ask?

Well...

Well on account of my bein' right, of course.

Like I always am.

MOUSES!

Dig it, and they will come, I said.  Yup, dig it and they will come.  A peep digs a garden bed up, exposin' nice soil, gettin' the bed ready for some fall plantin', and...

AND THEY COME.

I'm tellin' ya, ol' Noah was never in it.

MOUSES!

Who are they, you ask?

Well...

Well allow me to elaborate, my friends.  The eight foot long mini-greenhouse frame is to stop the deer from tramplin' the plants Peepers is plantin', like they did to Peepers' icelandic poppies last year.  Then she's gonna hang those pie plates from the top of the frame to discourage 'em from reachin' in and eatin' the plants like they ate all but three of her roses this year.  And once the plants are in the ground, she's gonna stick twigs and things in between all the rows before scatterin' those chopped up chilli peppers on the soil to discourage the raccoons from diggin' everythin' up, like they've been doin' ALL year, even now, before anythin' has been planted.

'CAUSE LIKE I SAID...

DIG IT AND THEY WILL COME.

MOUSES!

Excuse me?  Didn't quite catch what you said.

No...  No.  Nope, none of these measures are on account of Saffy and me.

We've already had our fill of diggin' up Peepers' plantings, you see.  Why, we've been diggin' up her stuff all summer long and are gettin' a tad bored with the whole thing.

Plus, compost is awfully hard to get out from under one's claws.

So Saffy and me...  We made a deal.  Yup, we made a deal with the peep.

Deal...  Accepted a bribe...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

what have you done?

Good grief, Peepers, what have you done?  What have you done?

I said, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

MOUSES!

You've done some pretty stupid stuff in your life, Peepers, and I've witnessed it all.  But this time...  Well this time takes the cake, to be sure.  Are you aware we now have the stinkiest garden in the whole, entire neighbourhood?   Are you aware?

I said, ARE YOU AWARE?

MOUSES!

Well let me tell you somethin', ol' peep of mine.  I went outside yesterday mornin' only to find a bevy of deer havin' a meetin', and they were none too pleased, to be sure.

Bevy?  What in tarnation is a bevy, you ask?

I think it's a bunch.

MOUSES!

But anyway, as I was sayin', this bevy of deer were mighty upset and at first I wasn't sure why.  Oh sure, I knew it was about you.  I knew YOU were the one who had upset 'em.  I mean, who else would do somethin' like that.  But I didn't know exactly WHAT you had done to upset 'em so much.

This time.

MOUSES!

But then I detected a faint whiff of somethin' in the air.  Somethin' stinky, to be exact.  IN FACT, somethin' so stinky I almost ran inside to get a clothespin to cover my nose.  AND I WOULD HAVE done exactly that until I thought better of it, 'cause you know...

It's mighty hard to breath with a clothespin stuck on your nose.

MOUSES!

So I sat there for a mo, ponderin' what to do next.  Should I investigate this assault on my nose?  Or should I just ask that bunch or bevy of deer why they were so darned upset.

That was 'bout when one of the deer stuck a petition in my face.  They wanted me to sign, you see, and figured I would on account of my facial expression as I held my breath and was about to collapse from lack of breathable air.

PEE-EW.

MOUSES!

And that's when I saw it.

Or smelled it.

Whatever.

APPARENTLY, ol' peep of mine, those bars of soap you cut up and scattered all over, have not gone unnoticed.  Not gone unnoticed by the deer.  And just how many of 'em did you use, anyway?  From the stink of it, I'd say at least a couple dozen.

MOUSES!

And why did you do somethin' so stupid?  WHY?  Are you insinuatin' the deer need to bathe?

'Cause that's what they're thinkin', Peepers, and like I said earlier: they're really not pleased.

Although to tell you the truth, there were a couple who could do with a good bath, to be sure.  I didn't say anythin', however, on account of my not wantin' to insult 'em any more than YOU had insulted 'em, already.

Plus, those long legs of theirs look like they might be mighty good at kickin'.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of bein' insultin'...

Speakin' of bein' insultin', the deer are upset not only 'bout the bathin' thing, but also 'bout your havin' stunk up their mornin' meal.

You know, the tulips.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Stinkin' up the bed of tulips was what you were tryin' to do?

Hmmm....

Nope, I think you're gonna have to elaborate a little, ol' peep of mine.  Why would you WANT to stink up their food?

'Cause the tulips were never meant to be food.

Hmmm....

Well to tell you the truth, I think that ship already sailed.

SO WOULD YOU PLEASE GO OUT THERE AND GATHER UP ALL YOUR BITS OF STINKY SOAP SO I WON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO RESORT TO STICKIN' A CLOTHESPIN ON MY NOSE.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!