oh dear...

Oh dear...

Oh dearie, dearie me...

Oh dear!

Wait a minute.  Just hold on, there...

Dear?

Nope, that is not correct.  It's deer.

Better.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' those deer have been munchin' on the peep's roses again.

Well, I'm sure they would if they could, but they can't 'cause they've already eaten all of those.

MOUSES!

Yup, we've had deer.  We've probably had deer all spring and all summer long.  First they ate all the tulips.  Then they ate the roses.  Oh, and they ate Peepers' broccolini, too.

Who the mouses wants to eat broccolini?  It tastes kinda like broccoli, you know.  And who the mouses wants to eat THAT?

Apparently, deer do.

MOUSES!

But even though those deer were usin' my yard as an all-you-can-eat buffet all summer long...

And even though we found the damage they did, over and over again...

We never once saw any deer.

I had almost convinced the ol' peep it wasn't deer eatin' her stuff, but rather little green aliens from outer space.

Almost.

I was THIS close to convincin' her of that.

'Til one day last week...

WHEN SHE ACTUALLY SAW DEER.

Right there in my backyard!

MOUSES!

Yup, a mama and two babies.  Yup, a mama deer and her two babies were right out there in my backyard.

Well, not exactly babies.  Probably the equivalent of teens.

Twin teens.  TWINS!

I bet that mama was sayin' oh dear.

MOUSES!

And in other news, Peepers' daffy down dilly bulbs arrived yesterday in the mail.  She's gonna plant 'em where she planted tulips, last fall.

Bet they won't wanna eat those.

The daffies, I mean.

But they sure did enjoy eatin' the tulips.

MOUSES!

interlopin' antelope

Gosh darn it, Peepers, we've got some interlopers, for sure.

And FYI, you're gonna have to do somethin' about that.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Interlopers.  You know, interlopers.  Someone or somethin' who worms their way into somethin' or somewhere where they're not wanted.  Interlopers.  Do I have to explain everythin' to you?

MOUSES!

Wait a minute.  Now that I think about it...

Now that I think about it, they weren't actually interlopers.  They were antelope.  Yeah, it was antelope that I meant.

Silly me.

MOUSES!

But now that we've cleared all that up, it would be best for you to start dealin' with those antelope right now.  If they start playin' around here, they'll wreck havoc with my nip plants, come spring.

And then they'll be interlopin' antelope, for sure.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

We don't have antelope here?

Hmmm...

Nope, I'm pretty sure you're wrong 'bout that, there, ol' peep of mine.  Which, when you think about it, is somethin' you're probably used to by now.

Bein' wrong, I mean.

MOUSES!

But like I was sayin', you're gonna have to deal with those antelope.  Let 'em know they should play ELSEWHERE.

MOUSES!

And while you're at it, you could...

Oh what the mouses are you gripin' about now?

Like I said, Peepers, there were antelope.  Right out there in our yard.  Well technically, they weren't in the yard.  YET.  They were still out on the road when I saw 'em, but chances are they were on their way into our yard.  Which would be fine if they would confine their munchin' to YOUR plants and stuff, but I'm worried 'bout my nip plants, you see, and...

WHAT THE MOUSES ARE YOU GRIPIN' ABOUT NOW?

Hmmm...

Hmmm....

Well...

Well yeah, I suppose they COULD have been deer.  A big ol' horde of antelope-impostering, hungry ol' deer.

IMPOSTERING IS TOO AN ACTUAL WORD.

I used it in a sentence and everythin'.

MOUSES!

FINE.  What I saw out there early this mornin' MIGHT have been three or four deer, and not an actual horde.

BUT THEY STILL COULD GET INTO MY NIP PLANTS, COME SPRING.

So best you do somethin' about them now.

Like what?  Well, I don't know.  Offer 'em up an alternative menu of tulips and roses like you did last year.  I'm sure if you feed 'em enough of your silly ol' flowers, they'll leave my precious catnip alone.

Seriously, I really do have to explain everythin' to you, Peepers, don't I.

Not a question.  It's a statement of fact.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

what have you done?

Good grief, Peepers, what have you done?  What have you done?

I said, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

MOUSES!

You've done some pretty stupid stuff in your life, Peepers, and I've witnessed it all.  But this time...  Well this time takes the cake, to be sure.  Are you aware we now have the stinkiest garden in the whole, entire neighbourhood?   Are you aware?

I said, ARE YOU AWARE?

MOUSES!

Well let me tell you somethin', ol' peep of mine.  I went outside yesterday mornin' only to find a bevy of deer havin' a meetin', and they were none too pleased, to be sure.

Bevy?  What in tarnation is a bevy, you ask?

I think it's a bunch.

MOUSES!

But anyway, as I was sayin', this bevy of deer were mighty upset and at first I wasn't sure why.  Oh sure, I knew it was about you.  I knew YOU were the one who had upset 'em.  I mean, who else would do somethin' like that.  But I didn't know exactly WHAT you had done to upset 'em so much.

This time.

MOUSES!

But then I detected a faint whiff of somethin' in the air.  Somethin' stinky, to be exact.  IN FACT, somethin' so stinky I almost ran inside to get a clothespin to cover my nose.  AND I WOULD HAVE done exactly that until I thought better of it, 'cause you know...

It's mighty hard to breath with a clothespin stuck on your nose.

MOUSES!

So I sat there for a mo, ponderin' what to do next.  Should I investigate this assault on my nose?  Or should I just ask that bunch or bevy of deer why they were so darned upset.

That was 'bout when one of the deer stuck a petition in my face.  They wanted me to sign, you see, and figured I would on account of my facial expression as I held my breath and was about to collapse from lack of breathable air.

PEE-EW.

MOUSES!

And that's when I saw it.

Or smelled it.

Whatever.

APPARENTLY, ol' peep of mine, those bars of soap you cut up and scattered all over, have not gone unnoticed.  Not gone unnoticed by the deer.  And just how many of 'em did you use, anyway?  From the stink of it, I'd say at least a couple dozen.

MOUSES!

And why did you do somethin' so stupid?  WHY?  Are you insinuatin' the deer need to bathe?

'Cause that's what they're thinkin', Peepers, and like I said earlier: they're really not pleased.

Although to tell you the truth, there were a couple who could do with a good bath, to be sure.  I didn't say anythin', however, on account of my not wantin' to insult 'em any more than YOU had insulted 'em, already.

Plus, those long legs of theirs look like they might be mighty good at kickin'.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of bein' insultin'...

Speakin' of bein' insultin', the deer are upset not only 'bout the bathin' thing, but also 'bout your havin' stunk up their mornin' meal.

You know, the tulips.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Stinkin' up the bed of tulips was what you were tryin' to do?

Hmmm....

Nope, I think you're gonna have to elaborate a little, ol' peep of mine.  Why would you WANT to stink up their food?

'Cause the tulips were never meant to be food.

Hmmm....

Well to tell you the truth, I think that ship already sailed.

SO WOULD YOU PLEASE GO OUT THERE AND GATHER UP ALL YOUR BITS OF STINKY SOAP SO I WON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO RESORT TO STICKIN' A CLOTHESPIN ON MY NOSE.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

indoor plumbin'

Saffron, you're wrong about that.  You're absolutely, one hundred percent wrong.  You're...

ARE TOO.

MOUSES!

Saffy, Saffy, Saffy...  If there's one thing I know, it's that I know when others are wrong.

MOUSES!

AM NOT.

No, Saffy.  No, no, NO.  I, Seville the Cat, am NEVER wrong.  Never, ever, ever.  And if I, Seville the Cat, am never, ever, ever wrong, I can't possibly be wrong right now.  If there's one thing I know...

Scratch that.  If there are TWO things I know, I know when others are wrong; and I know that I, Seville the Cat, never am.

Wrong, that is.

MOUSES!

Well let me ask you this then, Saffy.  Have you ever heard Peepers say she was gonna go use the little girls' room - or whatever she calls the human litter box these days - and then head outside to do whatever peeps do in human litter boxes?  Have you?  HAVE you?

Don't bother answerin' that, Saffron.  That there was a rhetorical question, for sure.  Thing is, you have NEVER heard Peepers say anything 'bout her goin' to the bathroom outdoors.  Never!  And do you know why that is?

Again, don't bother answerin', Saffron.  That there was another rhetorical question.  Thing is, Peepers is a civilised peep and civilised peeps believe in the advantages of indoor plumbin'.  And that would be indoor as in inside, as in INDOORS.  And we civilised cats believe in the same.  See what I mean?

No, Saffron.  NO!  That there space out there is NOT an outdoor bathroom.  It's not a bathroom at all.  It's not a litter box, a toilet, or anythin' else where a kitty or peep might do his or her business.  That there space is what those of us in the know - like me - call a flower bed.  FLOWER bed.  A bed for flowers.

What?  WHAT?  No, it's not a bed as in where one might sleep.

Well, maybe...  Maybe if you happen to be a flower.

What?  What's that, Saffy?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

NO.  NO!  No, Saffron, you are not a flower.  You're a cat.  Like me.

'Cept not as famous, of course.

SAFFRON!  Bottom line is this: you're not to be poopin' in Peepers' flowers.  Do what the rest of us cats do and have always done, and use the litter box - INDOORS - and...

What?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

Well yes, of course.  There are always gonna be times when a kitty can't quite make it to the litter box in time and when that happens, a shoe does usually suffice.

BUT NOT A FLOWER BED.  YOU HEAR?

Just wait 'til Peepers goes out there to plant her tulips.

MOUSES!

**********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

our new loo!

Some of you may have heard that we have a new flower bed in the front yard.  Kinda have a couple of 'em, actually.

Well they're not so much new as...  hmmm...  uh... different.  Yeah, different. Different from what they were before.

You see, we used to have these three big ol' cedar thingies in the front yard, right up by the house.  Bit by bit, Ol' Peepers has been gettin' rid of 'em and finally, last week, the peeps had someone come over and take away the roots.  They're gone now.  Outta here.  Never to be seen again.

Truth be told, I was sorry to see the cedars goin', at first.  I loved those cedars.  As a kitten, I used to play in those cedars and hang out in them, waitin' for Peep #1 to come out and talk to me and say nice things to me and teach me how to play with nip mice and whatnot.

That was when I was still livin' outside with my mama and fur-sibs.  When I was still feral but beginnin' to learn that my Peep #1 wasn't evil or anythin'.  Good times.  I remember them like they were yesterday even though they were actually eleven years ago.

Anywho...  Since Ol' Peepers took like...  A YEAR to get rid of the cedars completely, I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea.  In fact, in the past few months, I've been quite anxious for the beds to be cleared out properly.  They were lookin' pretty messy with half a cedar, here, and a quarter of one, there.  It was embarrassing.  Nosey-neighbour-cat didn't have partial cedars scattered around at his house.  He was mockin' me over the whole affair. "You've got messy cedars...  You've got messy cedars..." he would taunt.

Then last Friday, the last of the cedars' bits and pieces were removed and the upper bed was free from all plants and the soil, levelled off.  The lower bed still had some stuff like honeysuckle in it but in the biggest corner where the third cedar had been, it was all cleared out.  Those beds were lookin' pretty good.  They were ready for plantin'.

Of course, my first reaction to the beds was...  NIP!  The peep is gonna plant us up a nice big ol' nip garden right here in the front yard, I thought.  I was gettin' really excited about the idea.

Mason felt otherwise.  She took one look at those new beds and cried, "Our new loo!"  She pranced and she danced as only a Mason will do.  She hopped right in there and started diggin'.

I tried to explain to Mason that these were flower beds and not a big ol' loo.  Then I got to thinkin'. Maybe it was our new loo.  We lost our old one when Mason was supposed to be supervisin' the peep and allowed Ol' Peepers to plant it up with primroses.

And if these beds were meant as the new loo, it was a way better loo than the previous one.  Upper and lower levels.  Very spacious.  Nice, soft earth free from plants and whatnot that would only get in our way.  "Wow!" I exclaimed to Mason.  "I think you're right about this.  Ol' Peepers has built us a deluxe model loo.  EXCELLENT."

I was bettin' the peep built the new loo in order to celebrate the publishing of my 300th blog post which, by the way, is this here post I'm publishin', today.  A super-duper, deluxe model, multi-level, brand-spankin' new loo would be a great way to celebrate that, for sure.

Long story short, by nightfall, several of us had used the new loo as...  well...  a loo.  I happened to use it myself.  Biggest outdoor litter box I had ever seen, much less used.

The next mornin', I was informed by the peep that the super-duper, deluxe model, multi-level, brand-spankin' new loo was not, in fact, a loo but rather, a couple of flower beds.  MOUSES!

But all was not lost 'cause if it wasn't the best outdoor litter box that ever-there-was, it would still make a really nice nip bed.  Ah....  nip.  The glorious plant that is the nip.  Flower beds that size would hold a whole whack of nip plants, I thought to myself.  Life was good.

That's about when I saw that the peep had some newly purchased tulip and hyacinth bulbs.  "What are you gonna do with those?" I asked her.

"You're gonna what?" I cried.  MOUSES!

You guessed it, Ol' Peepers was intendin' on plantin' the tulips and hyacinths in my nip bed.  Right there in my nip bed.  MY nip bed.  My NIP bed.  My bed meant for nip.  Not only that, there was talk of delphiniums and phlox, too.

I fired up the ol' computer and did a quick search for catnip.  I pulled up some pictures and showed 'em to the peep sayin', "Now look here, Peepers. THIS is what nip looks like."  Then I pointed to some pictures of tulips and said, "See those?  Those aren't nip plants.  Those are tulips.  Now look over here.  Hyacinths.  Repeat after me...  hi-ya-sinths,  Not nip."

Needless to say, the peep was not impressed by my lessons in horticulture.  At least not favourable, anyway.

Bottom line is, the loo is not a loo and the nip beds are not for nip.  They're for flowers.  Flowers that are not nip.  MOUSES!