struttin' his stuff

I swear that ol' brother of mine, Saffy Saffron Sassifras, is out there stuttin' his stuff.  Yup, he's struttin' his stuff for all the world to see.

Or at least anyone who happens to be lookin'.

MOUSES!

Now before anyone gets any ideas, yes, my brother has already been neutered.  It's not that kinda stuff he is struttin'.

Get your mind outta the gutter, would ya?

MOUSES!

But neutered or not, he's out there in the backyard, right now, walkin' about this way and that, head held high and tail straight up in the air.  And his walk is more of a...

Well...

An arrogant gait

Yup, he's most definitely struttin'.

MOUSES!

And get this.  Peepers tapped on the window to get his attention and do you know what he did?

Well, DO you?

Well I'll TELL you what he did.  NOTHIN'.  That's right, NOTHIN'!  He just kept on struttin', totally ignorin' the peep's tappin'.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

So why-oh-why is that brother of mine out there struttin', you ask?

Some fool - aka Peepers - told him he was walkin' on water.  And now he thinks he's all special and stuff.

HEY SAFFRON!  WHEN THE WATER HAS FROZEN INTO AN ICY LAYER ON TOP OF A FOOT OR MORE OF SNOW, YOUR WALKIN' ON IT DOESN'T COUNT AS YOUR WALKIN' ON WATER.

MOUSES!

If only you could see him, my friends.  If only you could see him!  Tail still held high.  Chin up in the air, too.  And if I'm not mistaken, he appears to be lookin' down his nose at somethin'.

Or someone.

Or...

Or at ME?

MOUSES!

Nah, that can't be right.  No cat would ever look down their nose at me.  They might look down their nose at peeps, sure, but never at me.

Besides,  LOOKIN' DOWN YOUR NOSE AT OTHERS IS MY JOB, you see.

Some cats can be so arrogant and full of self-importance.

It's pathetic, really.

MOUSES!

HEY PEEPERS!  Those treats you gave me a few minutes ago have gone all stale.  They must have come from the package you opened yesterday.  I, Seville the Cat, am gonna need some that are a bit fresher than that.

And could you please put 'em on a new plate?  I shouldn't have to eat off the same plate, twice.  Even if I didn't actually eat off it the first time.  After all, I AM Seville the Cat.

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, if I don't keep after those peeps of mine, they'll try to get away with just about anythin'.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

hold 'er down!

Hold 'er down, Saffy.  HOLD ER' DOWN!  I've got the tube of dabby stuff right here.

Wait a sec, would you, Saffron?  Gotta get this tube thingy open.

They don't make this easy.

Oh-oh.  Says I'm supposed to wear gloves.

Hmmm...

Good grief, I look like a squid or somethin' like that.  My whole paws fit in one finger of each glove and the other fingers are just left flappin' about.

Sure do hope nobody sees me like this.  Believe-you-me, lookin' like a squid it not an attractive sight.

'Cept to other squids.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

The tubes of dabby stuff aren't meant for people, you say?  They're only meant for cats?

Hmmm...

You've got a good point there, ol' peep of mine.  As a peep, you are way bigger than a cat.  We're gonna have to use multiple tubes of this stuff.

MOUSES!

Oh quit your gripin', Peepers.  This is for your own good.  That's what you always say to us cats.

For mousin' out loud, openin' the tubes of the dabby stuff is impossible to do while wearin' these stupid squid gloves.  How do YOU open 'em, Peepers?

Never mind.  The gloves aren't squid-like on you on account of you havin' all those fingers.

MOUSES!

Keep holding 'her down, Saffron, my man.  As soon as I get this tube open...

Gosh darn it, it just flew straight across the room.

The dabby stuff, I mean; not the peep.

SAFFRON!  WHAT DID YOU DO?  You let her go?  You let Peepers get up and walk away before I dosed her for fleas?  WHAT THE MOUSES DID YOU DO THAT, FOR?

Well no, she doesn't have fleas.

I don't think.

Nah, I'm pretty sure the peep doesn't have fleas.  What she does have, however, is a bite from a tick.  And she's always sayin' we have to get dabbed to prevent ticks for bitin' us, SO I'M PRETTY SURE, if she insists on goin' outside, playin' in the garden and walkin' among the trees, she's gonna have to get dabbed as well.  

Only thing for it, Saffron.  Peepers has gotta get dabbed.

When we catch her again, that is.

On the other paw...

On the other paw, maybe we'll wait until nighttime when she has fallen fast asleep.  She'll never see us comin'.  PERFECT, I do believe.

That is if I can get these stupid gloves off my paws.  They appear to be kinda...

Well...

Stuck.

Gosh darn it, if anyone sees me like this, wearin' squid gloves with tentacles all a-danglin', I'm gonna be the laughin' stock of this here whole neighbourhood.

Saffron, I think that tonight, YOU can wear the stupid ol' squid gloves.

In order to save MY reputation, of course.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

the face

Hey Saffy, what's with the face?

What face?  That face.  YOUR face, to be exact.

MOUSES!

Yeah, yeah...  Yeah, I know Peepers is always talkin' about how good-lookin' you are, and sayin' stuff about how you're such a beautiful and handsome kitty.  And I can understand how you'd think that would mean you have a lovely face, but...

Well...

Well normally you do, to tell you the truth.  Normally you do have a very lovely face, indeed.  After all, you are related to ME, and handsomeness does kinda run in our family, but...

Well...

Well right now...  Right at this moment...

Right at this moment, your face is lookin' kinda pained.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', ol' brother of mine: you keep makin' that pained-lookin' face and it's gonna stick that way for eternity.  And you most certainly don't want that, on account of a pained-lookin' face not bein' up to snuff when it comes to the expectations I have for family resemblances and stuff, when it comes to MY fur-sibs.

MOUSES!

Oh Saffy, you're not IN pain, are you?  'Cause if you're in pain, havin' a pained face is perfectly reasonable, I suppose.  So if you are in pain, I must apologise for makin' fun of...

Well...

Your face.

MOUSES!

What's that?

You WHAT?

Oh for mousin' out loud, Saffron.  Saffy, you don't have to give Peepers a bath.  She's perfectly capable of bathin' herself.  There's no need for either one of us to start lickin' her hands or anythin' like that.

That's just gross, that is.  Gross.

MOUSES!

Why?  Because you never know what Peepers' hands have been doin' prior to your licking 'em, that's why.  You never know just how dirty they are.

Now, had she been diggin' in the garden, that wouldn't be so bad, I suppose.  I mean, dirt is dirt, right?  And we kitties do like rollin' around in the dirt.

And had she been preparin' a nice steak or somethin', I guess that wouldn't be too bad, either.  As cats, we like things like steak.  But need I remind you that Peepers is a veggie and as a vegetarian she never prepares things like steak?  Odds of her hands bein' dirty with the juices of steak are pretty slim, to be sure.

No, it's far more likely that if you lick the peep's hands, you'll end up lickin' hand cream or perfume or somethin' really, REALLY gross like...  SOAP.  No kitty ever wants to end up with a mouth full of soap.  Bleh.  BLEH!  Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, BLEH.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that?  What's that, Saffron, my man?

You say you thought the hand cream she had put on her hands might taste like actual cream, but instead it tasted like flowers?

Ewww...   GROSS.

Well then it's no wonder you're makin' that face.

Saffy you need to go rinse your mouth out in the water bowl, straight away, and then go upchuck in the peep's best pair of shoes.

'CAUSE UPCHUCKIN' IN SHOES IS FUN, that's why.  There's no need to wait until you actually have somethin' to upchuck.

Do I have to explain everythin' to you?

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

in shock

Oh. My. Mouses.

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, my friends.  I'm in shock.

I'm in shock.  Saffy's in shock.  We kitties are most definitely, DEFINITELY in shock.

Definitely.

In shock.

MOUSES!

So I was checkin' on my stash of boxes in the garage the other day.  Counting 'em, inspecting 'em, talking to 'em and letting 'em know how much I adore 'em and can't wait to bring 'em in the house and take a nap in 'em and play with 'em...  And maybe even give 'em a good scratching now and then.

You know, that sorta thing.

Well at least that's what I was GONNA do.

MOUSES!

Okay, so the truth is, I was headin' INTO the garage the other day to check on my stash of boxes, when...

When...

When...

When I discovered my stash of boxes was gone.

That's right, my friends: gone.  Gone, I tell you.  GONE!  Not a trace of 'em anywhere to be found.

MOUSES!

Well as you can imagine, the first thing I did was come inside the house, get on the phone, and call the police.  A missin' stash of boxes is not somethin' to mess around with, at all.  I KNOW how important it is to get the police on the case right away if there's gonna be any chance of gettin' your stash back, unharmed.

Learned that lesson the hard way when my stash of nip disappeared one year, only to find out - TOO LATE - that Peepers had gone and put it in the compost pile on account of the new harvest bein' ready and fresher and stuff, NEVER ONCE THINKIN' about how the older nip stash could have been used to stuff a cushion or somethin' for me to curl up on.

But that's a peep for you, isn't it.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, I got on the blower right away with the police.

Well once the officer on the blower's other end stopped laughin'...

Silly man thought my call was some kinda prank.

So once the officer stopped laughin', he went and hung up on me.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

Well that's when Saffy and I decided we'd have to take matters into our own eight paws.  We'd have to investigate the case and close it ourselves.  And like I said before, we knew how important it was to start right away before the case went all cold like a long-forgotten pot of tea found the next mornin'.

MOUSES!

First thing needin' to be done was to interview all potential suspects, startin' with our numero uno, PRIMO suspecto, for sure: the peep.

MOUSES!

And that's when we found out that Peepers had gone and used OUR stash of boxes to put on the ground before fillin' up her new, STUPID raised garden beds.   She had gone and sliced 'em open, laid 'em flat, put 'em on the ground, and then covered 'em with dirt, like they were garbage or somethin'; and TOTALLY RUINING 'EM, for sure.

And that, my friends, is why Saffron and I are in shock.

It brings a kitty to tears.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

one, two, three...

One, two, three...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Countin'.  I'm countin'.

MOUSES!

Gosh darn it, now I'm gonna have to start all over again.

MOUSES!

One, two, three...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

Bees.  I'm countin' bees.

MOUSES!

Gosh darn it, now I'm gonna have to start all over AGAIN.

MOUSES!

One, two, three...

OH FOR MOUSIN' OUT LOUD, PEEPERS.  WHAT ON EARTH IS IT THAT YOU'RE BABBLIN' ON ABOUT NOW?

'Cause I want to, that's why.  I wanna count bees.

MOUSES!

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, I was at...

Hmmm...

Gosh darn it, I'm gonna have to start all over AGAIN.

MOUSES!

Hmmm...

But now there isn't a single solitary bee in sight.  No bees to count, at all.  Can't even count 'em to one!

HEY PEEPERS!  I've got a bone to pick with you, I do.  I was out there in the garden countin' the number of bees there were buzzin' about, but before I could finish counting 'em all, you came along and scared 'em away.  And now I have no bees to count.  Not even one!

So...

So if you're wonderin' how many bees we still have in the garden this year, halfway through the month of October; when we don't usually have many bees, if we have any at all; you're gonna have to keep on wonderin'.

Because...

BECAUSE I WAS gonna count 'em but now that you've scared 'em away, there aren't any bees left to count.

None.

Not even one.

MOUSES!

So go ahead and ask me, Peepers.  Go ahead and ask me just how many bees there still out there in the garden even at this very late date.  Just ask.  Just ask me how many bees there are buzzin' around the dahlias and nasturtiums and calendula and borage and things.  Things THAT NORMALLY WOULDN'T still be blooming 'cept for all this mild weather we've had, and the fact there hasn't been frost.  Go ahead.  Go ahead and ask.  Just ask me, Peepers.  Just ask.

How many bees are there in the garden, today?  You'd really like to know?

NONE.

And Peepers, do you know why there are no bees out there in the garden right now?

WELL I'LL TELL YOU why, I will.  There are no bees out in the garden right now on account of your scaring 'em all away.  Scaring 'em away when I was tryin' to count 'em.  So yeah, there are none.  None as in none.  Zippo.  Not a one.

Gosh darn it, a kitty tries to help out by countin' up bees stickin' around late in the season and is thwarted by his very own peep.

Stupid peep.

NEXT TIME I go to count bees, I'm gonna get Peepers to dress up in bright colours with a fancy schmancy flowery ol' hat, smear honey all over her face, and spray stinky flower perfume on her arms and her legs.  That'll get the bees to come 'round, for sure.  That'll get 'em comin' in droves!

Might even be more bees than I can count.

Best be sure I don't flick my tail around too much and end up gettin' myself stung.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

wanna pass me...

Hey Peepers!  Wanna pass me that ol' bottle of glue up there on that there shelf?

Why?

Uh...

No reason.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!  Wanna pass me that ol' broom over in that there corner?  The little one, please.  The one with the short handle is what I need.

Why?

'CAUSE THE BIG ONE IS WAY TOO BIG FOR ME TO USE.

What a silly peep.

MOUSES!

Oh.  I see.  So you uh...  So you weren't wonderin' why I wanted the little paw-sized broom rather than the big one with the long handle but rather, you were wonderin' why I was wantin' any kinda broom at all.

Well uh...

No reason.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!  Wanna pass me...

Well that's just rude, that is.  You didn't even let me finish my sentence.

MOUSES!

Okay.  Fine.  I'LL TELL YOU WHY I NEED...

On second thought, never mind.

'CAUSE IF I TELL YOU WHY, YOU'LL BE ASKIN' ALL SORTS OF AWKWARD QUESTIONS 'BOUT HOW THIS HAPPENED AND HOW THAT HAPPENED AND HOW...

'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE ANSWERIN' AWKWARD QUESTIONS, THAT'S WHY.

And truth be told, I'm not even sure how it happened in the first place.

What?  How what happened you say?

Well...

Well all I know is, there were some papers up on the table in your...  I mean our....   I MEAN MY office, the other day.  But this mornin', said papers were all on the floor.  I have absolutely no idea how they ended up on the floor.  Absolutely NO idea, at all.

I swear.

AND I ALSO HAVE NO IDEA how they ended up all shredded to bits.  Shredded like they went through a shredder or somethin' like that.  Like you know...  A shredder.

Shredder...  Cat's claws...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

WELL THAT'S WHY I WAS WANTIN' THE GLUE!

Well 'cause I...  'Cause I was gonna piece all those pieces of paper together and glue 'em all up, and...

'CAUSE WHEN I USE STICKY TAPE THE TAPE GETS ALL STUCK ON MY FURS!

Learned that lesson the hard way, for sure.

MOUSES!

But don't worry, Peepers.  Even though I have absolutely no idea how what happened, happened, I did check to make sure no one used the aforementioned shredded paper as uh...

Um...

Well as a bathroom, if you know what I mean.

'CAUSE I'M NOT SWEEPIN' UP SHREDDED PAPERS TO GLUE 'EM TOGETHER IF SAID PAPERS ARE COVERED IN PEE.

Or worse.

Nope, that's the kinda job one leaves for a peep.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

'cause

'Cause, Peepers.  'CAUSE.

Peepers, we've talked about this before.  We talked about it just the other day!  'Cause IS TOO an answer.  It's exactly like I told you the last time.  Nothin' has changed. You asked me a question, and I answered it...

WITH BECAUSE.

So once again, ipso facto...

'CAUSE IS TOO AN ANSWER.

Same as it was last week.

Not to mention the week before.

MOUSES!

But if you insist that I elaborate...

'CAUSE IT'S EMBARRASSIN', that's why.

MOUSES!

Lookie here, Peepers.  Listen up.  Cats like Saffy and me don't like it bein' known all over the neighbourhood that once in a blue moon, we don't come inside when you call us.  At least, not right away.  Come inside, that is.  We don't want neighbourhood peeps thinkin' we're bein' naughty by not immediately comin' when you want us inside.  AND WE CERTAINLY DON'T WANT neighbourhood cats thinkin' we're at your beck and call, always scamperin' inside the moment we hear you callin' our names.

'CAUSE LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE...

IT'S EMBARRASSIN'.

MOUSES!

Peepers, if you call for us, softly, and we don't come right away...

YOU CAN ASSUME IT'S 'CAUSE WE'RE BUSY.

MOUSES!

I don't know.  I don't what we're busy doin'.  Depends on the day.  Depends on the time of day, too.  Depends on a whole lotta things in a whole lotta ways.  Suffice it to say...

WE'RE BUSY.

Way too busy to come runnin' right away.

MOUSES!

So on the rare occasion - and I really must emphasise RARE - that either Saffy or I don't come immediately when you call for us, whatever you do...

WHATEVER you do...

Whatever you do, DO NOT screech and holler our names at the top of your lungs for hours and hours AND HOURS on end - give or take an hour or two - like you did last night.

Why?

HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENIN', OL' PEEP OF MINE?  HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENIN' AT ALL?

'CAUSE IT'S EMBARRASSIN'.

Saffy and I have reputations to uphold, you know.  We don't want cats in the neighbourhood thinkin' you peeps are in control.  We don't want 'em thinkin' we're not in charge.

Which we are.  In charge, I mean.  Saffy and I ARE in charge of this house.

And we don't want neighbourhood kitties thinkin' we aren't.

'CAUSE THEIR THINKIN' STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT US WOULD BE EMBARRASSIN', THAT'S WHY.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

the aftermath

So let me tell you 'bout the aftermath of...

Hmm...  Perhaps aftermath is too strong of a word.  It does make it sound like there was total disaster and mayhem and the like.

On the other paw...

On the other paw, there was total disaster and mayhem and the like.  So aftermath, it is.

MOUSES!

Okay, so perhaps there was no actual mayhem.

Nope, still goin' with aftermath, my friends.

MOUSES!

So we'll start again.  Let me tell you 'bout the aftermath of the birthday celebrations on Wednesday.

Firstly, there was cake.  Yes, there was cake.  Birthday cake, to be exact.  But said birthday cake was not the birthday cake, I, Seville the Cat, was expectin' for MY birthday.  No sirree.  Nope, that ol' birthday cake was carrot cake, and do you know somethin', my friends?

Do you?

Well in case you don't, carrot cake contains carrots.  And I, Seville the Cat, don't like carrots, you see.  So obviously, it wasn't a very appropriate cake to serve on MY birthday.

Which was disastrous, for sure.

And it gets worse!

Not only did the stupid cake contain carrots, which I don't like, but it DIDN'T contain any of the things I wanted to have in MY birthday cake.

Good things.

Things like salmon and tuna and shrimpy kinda things.

MOUSES!

And not only that...

And not only that, but the cream cheese icin' was the most stupid cream cheese icin' I ever did see.  Not a single ounce of catnip in that icin'.  Not one!  Nope, not even one.

I'm tellin' ya, I don't know who baked that cake but whomever it was did an awful, disastrous job of it, for sure.

Scratch that.  I know exactly who baked that cake.  And her name would be Peepers.

Stupid peep baked a stupid cake.

AND THERE WAS NO BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR ME.

On MY birthday.

So you see?  Aftermath is the appropriate term to be used, for sure.

MOUSES!

And don't even get me started on the lack of prezzies with MY name.

'Course, I was able to circumvent that little issue with a little switcheroo of the tags.  Peepers was x'd out and replaced with Seville.

So that particular disaster was avoided.

'Cause one birthday aftermath a year is more than enough, for me.

Don't you agree?

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to me.  Happy Birthday to me.  Happy Birthday Dear Sivvers....  Happy Birthday to...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Au contraire ma peep.  It is too my birthday.  Yup, today is most definitely my birthday, for sure.

MOUSES!

Because.

Because is too an answer.  You asked a question and I answered it...

...WITH BECAUSE.

Ipso facto, methinks your stupid claim is defuncto.

MOUSES!

What do you mean I'm not makin' sense?  What do you mean?

Oh pish posh, Peepers.  Pish posh.  I shall explain.

And for anyone at the back of the room, the followin' is what we cats mean when we say we have to catsplain everythin'.

MOUSES!

Peepers, what's yours is mine and what's mine is...  Not yours.  Therefore, what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.  Are you with me so far?

Good.  So yes, today may in fact be your birthday.  And by that I simply mean that on this date, several millennia ago - give or take a century or two - you were born.  Your birth certificate probably does say something 'bout your bein' born on this date.

Still with me, ol' peep of mine?

Good.  Okay, so now remember what I said before: What's yours is mine.  Mine.  Mine as in...  MINE.

So what WAS your birthday is now mine.

Got it?

Good.  So ipso facto, your birthday is now MY birthday; and therefore everyone should join me, Seville the Cat, in singin' a birthday song to me.  ME.  Me.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh yeah.  I do say that quite often, don't I.  I do often say things along the line of your singin' bein' more like caterwaulin' than actual singin'.  Hmmm...

Okay, so we'll try this: I'll sing Happy Birthday to myself with my ever-so-melodious voice and while I'm doin' so, you can help me open my prezzies.

They are mine, Peepers.  The prezzies are mine.  I thought we already went over all this.

My gosh, a cat's catsplainin' is never done.

Peepers, the prezzies are mine.  ALL mine.  MINE.  Doesn't matter if your name happens to be on some of 'em.  Remember, what's yours is mine so therefore....   They're all mine.

'Course, if any of 'em happen to be bottles of stinky stuff or boxes of chockies, you can have those.  You know, on account of my not likin' that kinda stuff.  BUT THE REST OF 'EM ARE ALL MINE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEEPERS SIVVERS!

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

dig it and they will come

Build it and they will come.

I think that's what they said.

Well it was somethin' like that, for sure.  Of course, they weren't talking 'bout Peepers.  Nope, they weren't talking 'bout anythin' Peepers built, for sure.

'Less, of course, they were talking 'bout rescuers comin' to rescue whomever was trapped in whatever the peep built, 'CAUSE ANYTHIN' PEEPERS BUILDS is bound to be a disaster waitin' to happen, for sure. 

Woman doesn't know a screw from a nail.

MOUSES!

Now, I wonder if anyone has ever said the followin': dig it and they will come.

Anyone know?

MOUSES!

Turns out, someone does know.  I know.  Yup, I know the answer, for sure.  Of course, I know the answer to lots of questions and things.  Pretty much practically EVERYTHIN'.

And if I don't know, I just make it up.

MOUSES!

And by the way, the answer is yes.  Yes, someone has said, dig it and they will come.  In fact, I said it earlier today.  Said it yesterday, too.  And do you know somethin' else, my friends?  Do you?

IT'S TRUE!  Yup, the sayin' is absolutely, one hundred and fifty-three percent true.

Give or take a percentage point, or two.

MOUSES!

So on account of my sayin' the sayin' and bein' correct about it and all, Peepers now has an eight foot long mini-greenhouse frame sittin' in her flower bed, two packages of aluminium foil plates - made from recycled aluminium, of course, 'cause Peepers loves the planet and everythin'  - in the kitchen waitin' to be used, a big ol' pile of twigs and things next to the garden bed with the mini-greenhouse frame, and she is currently pickin' hot chilli peppers she plans to chop up later and scatter all over said bed.  And then...

Pardon me?  Pardon?  Why is she doin' all that, you ask?

Well...

Well on account of my bein' right, of course.

Like I always am.

MOUSES!

Dig it, and they will come, I said.  Yup, dig it and they will come.  A peep digs a garden bed up, exposin' nice soil, gettin' the bed ready for some fall plantin', and...

AND THEY COME.

I'm tellin' ya, ol' Noah was never in it.

MOUSES!

Who are they, you ask?

Well...

Well allow me to elaborate, my friends.  The eight foot long mini-greenhouse frame is to stop the deer from tramplin' the plants Peepers is plantin', like they did to Peepers' icelandic poppies last year.  Then she's gonna hang those pie plates from the top of the frame to discourage 'em from reachin' in and eatin' the plants like they ate all but three of her roses this year.  And once the plants are in the ground, she's gonna stick twigs and things in between all the rows before scatterin' those chopped up chilli peppers on the soil to discourage the raccoons from diggin' everythin' up, like they've been doin' ALL year, even now, before anythin' has been planted.

'CAUSE LIKE I SAID...

DIG IT AND THEY WILL COME.

MOUSES!

Excuse me?  Didn't quite catch what you said.

No...  No.  Nope, none of these measures are on account of Saffy and me.

We've already had our fill of diggin' up Peepers' plantings, you see.  Why, we've been diggin' up her stuff all summer long and are gettin' a tad bored with the whole thing.

Plus, compost is awfully hard to get out from under one's claws.

So Saffy and me...  We made a deal.  Yup, we made a deal with the peep.

Deal...  Accepted a bribe...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

Lee

AND DON'T BOTHER COMIN' BACK, EITHER!

MOUSES!

Well I sure am glad that's over and done with.  Sure am glad to see the back of him.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Yellin'?  I have no idea.  I didn't hear anyone yellin', at all.  Probably couldn't hear whomever it was on account of my raisin' my voice...

Oh.

Right.

Yeah, that was probably me.

MOUSES!

Well I HAD to yell at him, Peepers.  I had to give him a right tellin' off.  Had to make him understand I didn't want him ever comin' back here.  Not anywhere near my house.  Had to make him understand that I, Seville the Cat, meant some serious business, you see, WHICH IS WHY I had to yell.

Who?  At whom was I yellini'?

Lee.

MOUSES!

'Cause I don't like storms in general, Peepers.  And I especially don't like storms named Lee.

Okay, so truth be told, I don't like any storms, no matter what their names.  And I especially don't hurricanes.  Don't like post tropical cyclones, either.  AND I DON'T want 'em comin' anywhere near my house.

Good for nothin' unwanted guests, they are.

MOUSES!

AND I DON'T...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Well OF COURSE Lee has left.  I yelled at him, remember?  Told him to leave.  Remember?  Remember how you heard me yellin'?

Good grief, Peepers, your memory resembles a sieve.

MOUSES!

AND WHAT'S MORE...

OF COURSE Lee left on account of my yellin' at him.  Why else would he leave?

'Cause that's what hurricanes do, you say?  They come, wreck havoc, then leave?

Hmmm...

Nope, I'm pretty sure they leave 'cause cats like me are on the ball.  'Cause of cats like me yellin' at 'em, TELLING 'EM to leave.  Why, if it weren't for cats like me...

There'd be a whole lot less yellin' around here, you say?

Perhaps, but let's face it, Peepers: you'd miss not hearin' me yellin', for sure.  And you know what else you'd miss, ol' peep of mine?  You know what else?

Why, you'd miss my not doin' you the favour of my gatherin' intel out in the yard for you, you would.  And gatherin' garden intel is exactly what I did earlier today.  For your information, there is no structural damage.  No major damage in our yard, at all.  Nip plants are holdin' steady, for sure.  However, there are a whole whack of twigs with leaves and things lyin' about all over the ground.  Little stuff that needs cleanin' up.  Shouldn't take you more than a day.

Well I'M not cleanin' it up.  I've got far better things to do with my time.

LIKE TAKIN' A NAP, is what.

All that yellin' is exhaustin', for sure.

Not to mention all the catsplainin' I had to do.

Catsplainin'.  You know what it is, Peepers.  Or at least you should.  Catsplainin' is when cats like me have to explain even the simplest of things to peeps like you.

It's not like I haven't had to do it many a time, before.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

heads-up

Hey Peepers!  Just givin' you a heads-up: you've got a bunch of stuff lyin' on the floor in your closet.

MOUSES!

And FYI, it has NOTHIN' to do with me.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

No.  No...  No, definitely not me.  I had absolutely nothin' to do with all the stuff lyin' on the floor in your closet.  Nothin' at all.  Nothin' in the least.  Nothin', as in...

Well...

Nothin'.

MOUSES!

Okay, so I MIGHT have had a wee little somethin' to do with it.

Not my fault Saffy took my advice.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

You wanna know what advice I gave Saffy?

Well...

Nothin'.  Nothin' at all.  Nothin' as in nothin', I say.  NOTHIN'!  I gave Saffy absolutely no advice.

Least not on purpose, that is.

MOUSES!

Okay, so I MIGHT have mentioned to Saffy how if you pile up a whole whack of clothes on the floor, said pile makes an excellent and extremely comfy spot for nappin'.

A fact I know from personal experience, you see.

But not this time.  I, Seville the Cat, had nothin' to do with that comfy pile of clothes lyin' on the floor at the back of your closet.  Nothin' at all!

Well just check the colour of the fur stuck to all those clothes, Peepers.  You won't find a single gorgeous marmalade hair on 'em.  Not a single marmalade hair!  All the fur stuck to those clothes is dark charcoal grey.  Coincidentally, the same colour as my brother Saffron.

MOUSES!

Oh, and I forgot to mention, Peepers.  Another heads-up: you've got a bunch of tops and pants and other items of clothin' at the back of your closet, all covered in fur.

You might wanna do somethin' about that.

You know, BEFORE you put 'em on to wear.

'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS cat hair sticks to clothin' like the dickens.  It's super hard to get off.

Again, I speak from personal experience.

But again, NOT THIS TIME.  This time, that fur is all Saffy's doin'.  None of it is mine.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

give me a cup of tea, please

I'll have one, too, Peepers.

I said, I'll have one, too.

Oh for mousin' out loud.  Just give me a cup of tea, already.

Wait!

If you would be so kind, please make mine with extra milk.  Actually, cream would be better.  And why don't you skip the hot water.  You can skip the teabag, too.  And in case you were wonderin', I really don't need that ol' cup.  Just pour some cream in my saucer.

Please.

MOUSES!

Well now that that's taken care of, you can be off.  Off to do whatever you peeps like to do, nowadays.  I, myself, have important things on the agenda.  Important things I'd like to do without havin' you hoverin' over my shoulder.

Important things like writin' my blog.

MOUSES!

Good, she's gone.  Gone off to do whatever peeps do.

So the other day, my friends, I caught Peepers readin' a few of my blog posts.  She was readin' some really good ones, too.  Some of my best!  Some of the funniest blog posts I ever did write.

Thing is though, she wasn't laughin'.

And I really don't know why.

MOUSES!

Now I SAY I don't know why - why she wasn't laughin', I mean - but really, I do.  At least I think I do.  I THINK I might know why the peep didn't find those blog posts the least bit funny.

The thing is...

The thing is...

The thing is, some peeps find it hard to laugh at themselves.  

Fact.

MOUSES!

It's true!  Peeps get all uppity when a cat publicly makes fun of 'em, and let's face it, my friends: my whole blog is all about makin' fun of my peeps.

But you know what I say?

I say, if you don't want me to write about and make fun of all the stupid things you do, don't do all those stupid things in the first place.

MOUSES!

But for some strange reason, Peepers doesn't agree.

OH SURE, she has no issues with makin' fun of the stupid things I do.

Well, she would have no issues makin' fun of the stupid things I do IF I did stupid things.

Which I don't.

So there.

MOUSES!

Besides, EVERYONE KNOWS one should never make fun of or laugh at a cat.  If there's one thing we cats hate, it's bein' laughed at.  There are a few other things, too, but bein' laughed at is right at the top of the list.  Nothin' worse a peep can do than laugh at a cat.  We cats are dignified creatures, you see, and as such, we absolutely HATE bein' laughed at.

Fact.

MOUSES!

Why just the other day...

Just the other day, I was gettin' some chin scritches and stuff - and thoroughly enjoyin' the attention - when I happened to forget just how close I was to the edge of the bed, and...

Well...

Well long story short, I almost fell off.

And I caught that peep of mine.  I caught that smirk formin' on her face.  I was SURE she was about to let out a loud laugh.

So I grabbed onto her leg with my two front paws - not to mention those paws' claws - and held on tight.  That's right, I sunk my claws into her leg and pulled myself back up onto the bed, and...

Well to make ANOTHER long story short, her laugh turned into a bit of a scream.

Well more like cry, really.

Yeah, the ol' cry of pain one hears when claws sink into a leg.

That'll teach her to laugh at a cat.

MOUSES!

But remember, the reverse situation where I, Seville the Cat, make fun of a peep is perfectly fine.  Perfectly acceptable, for sure.  In all honesty, it's really..

Well actually...

Well it's just the way things are supposed to be done!

Which is why, after sendin' the peep off to do whatever she's doin' right now, I'm feelin' free to write today's blog post 'bout her doin' a whole bunch of stupid ol' things.  Yup, I now have the privacy to write my blog post all about her stupidity, in peace.  To write it without havin' her hoverin' over my shoulder and stuff, correctin' what I write, and complainin' that I'm makin' her look silly or stupid or...

Well...

Bad.

Not my fault she does stupid things.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.