Hey ho, Sivvers the Cat here, givin' you a play by play report on the Canadian 2021 Federal Election.
Results are comin' in, my friends. They're comin' in, fast and furious, they are. I've got my best peeps... I mean, CATS. I've got my best CATS on the job, mannin'.... I mean, CATTIN' the polls. Nerissa's Life is here givin' you firstpaw results from the official exit polls.
That's right, my friends, Saffron and I are here at the polls, doin' the ol' exit poll thingy. You know, askin' peeps for whom they voted. And we're relayin' the numbers to you LIVE! from Nerissa's Life Election Central.
Okay, so when I say peeps, I actually mean cheeps.
And when I say for whom, I actually mean for what.
Yes, Saffron and I are here at Nerissa's Life Election Central, askin' the birdies for what kinda bird seed they voted, 'cause Peepers is puttin' up their feeders for the fall of 2021.
And we're bringin' those results to you, LIVE!
Hello there Mr. Chickadee...
Mister? Hmmm... You may, in fact, be a Mrs.
HEY! YOU! Yeah, you. You, the chickadee. Will you kindly tell our viewers from LIVE! at Nerissa's Life Election Central, for what bird seed you voted, this year?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yup, uh-huh. Okay, can you repeat that, please, Sir? Ma'am? Whatever. Can you please repeat what you just said? I didn't quite catch it on account of your havin' that ol' black-oiled sunflower seed stuck in your beak, and....
Okay, I get it now.
To all our viewers out there, Mr. or Mrs. Chickadee voted for the black-oiled sunflower seeds.
Now I can see a big ol' blue jay over there, tossin' bird seed out of the feeder, down onto the veranda floor. Normally, I would approach that big ol' blue jay and ask him or her for what seed he or she voted, but on account of...
Did I mention he was BIG?
Yeah, on account of him bein' a REALLY BIG bird, I'm just gonna do a little investigatin' on the ground here, and...
Okay, the big ol' blue jay has been chuckin' out the millet and canary seed and stuff. I think it's safe to say that with my INVESTIGATIVE REPORTIN' SKILLS, we can conclude the big ol' blue jay voted for the sunflower seeds and peanuts.
That's right, my friends. That's right! The big ol' blue jay voted for TWO things.
HE VOTED TWICE!
Calm down, calm down out there. I know no one is supposed to vote twice, but...
Did I mention he was BIG?
Now onto Mr Woodpecker. Mr Woodpecker, sir! SIR! Yeah, you. You up there. You.
Can you stop that peckin' there, Sir? Please? I CAN'T HEAR YOU ON ACCOUNT OF THE DIN OF YOUR PECK, PECK, PECKIN' AT THAT FEEDER!!!
NO, I'M NOT COMIN' UP THERE, TO YOU. I'M NOT COMIN' UP THERE, AT ALL. I'M A CAT, YOU SEE, AND WE CATS CAN'T FLY. I NEED YOU TO COME ON DOWN HERE, TO ME.
*Mr Woodpecker flutters to the ground*
Thank you for givin' us a moment of your time, Sir. Thank you for agreein' to appear here LIVE! on Nerissa's Life Election Central. Will you please tell my viewers for what bird seed you voted?
Not seed, but suet, you say?
Was suet even on the ballot?
Okay folks, we appear to have found someone who did the ol' write-in ballot thingy. Not sure it's gonna count as Canadian Federal Elections don't allow for write-in ballots but hey, birds will be birds, I suppose.
They're known to be flighty.
And now, movin' ahead to the....
What? You're no birdie there, Sir. You, Sir, are a squirrel, AND SQUIRRELS AREN'T ELIGIBLE TO VOTE, you see, and...
Hey... HEY! Stop that. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! I SAID STOP!!!
And now all your friends are comin' to join in on this assault? And.... Stop, I tell you. STOP!!!
Grab the cameras, Saffron. We're high-tailin' it - LITERALLY! - into the house before we get pelted with any more acorns, by this maraudin' gang of squirrels.
LIVE! at Nerissa's Life Election Central.......
Ouch! That last acorn got me on the nose.
Remember to mask up, too.