This is Seville the Cat here, bringin' you Nova Scotia's most up-to-date and accurate news, direct to you from my desk here at Nerissa's Life.
Reports are comin' in fast and furious, my friends. They're comin' in fast and furious, for sure.
I'm told we've had a groundhog sighting on the corner of Commercial and Main. Is there confirmation of the varmint's identity, Bob? Do we know whether or not it's Sam? Or is it some other varmint goin' by some other name?
ANOTHER one? That's rights, folks. You heard it here, first. There's been ANOTHER groundhog sighting. This one, over on Spring Garden Road.
Kinda ironic, when you think about it, considerin' those weather-forecastin' varmints are on the lam due to a lack of spring.
Hold on... Hold on... Hold on everybody... HOLD ON.
WE HAVE MORE REPORTS COMIN' IN. They're comin' in so fast, I can barely keep up. My claws are clickin' at record speeds.
And we have confirmation on that?
My friends, Mother Nature has been spotted, keepin' herself warm, drinkin' hot nip tea in an upscale bistro in the heart of downtown.
And in OTHER news..
We still have snow.
I don't know if you can hear what I'm hearin', my friends, but there are sirens off in the distance. A whole lot of them, too. They're gettn' closer and closer.
Do we have any reporters out at the scene? DO WE?
AND WE HAVE ANOTHER VARMINT SIGHTIN'.
This most recent sightin' is comin' from...
Uh.... Never mind. This latest one appears to have been a false alarm. Apparently, some peep wearin' brown fuzzy slippers went out to get the mornin' paper, slipped on a patch of ice, and fell headfirst into a snowbank. Neighbours mistook his fuzzy slippered feet, flailin' about in the air, to be a furry ol' groundhog.
Hold on, everybody! HOLD on.
I'm told we have my sister Mason on the line, reportin' LIVE from outside the local courthouse, where the police have been badgerin' judges to issue a warrant for the arrest of Shubenacadie Sam,
What? What? What's that, Mason? Badgers? No, Sam isn't a badger. He's a groundhog, for sure.
Okay, we have it on good authority that a judge has just issued a warrant for the arrest of Shubenacadie Sam.
And Mother Nature, too?
You heard it here first, my friends. Arrest warrants have been issued for BOTH Shubenacadie Sam AND Mother Nature, herself, and...
You're breakin' up, Mason. You're breakin' up. What's that you're sayin'?
Shut. The Litter Box. Up.
MOTHER NATURE IS OUT ON THE LAMB.
You mean the lam, there, don't you Sis?
No? You mean she really has a flock of spring-lovin' lambs?
You mean she has KIDnapped a flock of spring-lovin' lambs?
And a bunch of baby goats, too?
Accordin' to authorities, Mother Nature is also a person of interest in the investigation into a number of missing...
Of missin' spring flowers?
Authorities are sayin' there isn't a crocus or primrose or snowdrop in sight. Investigators are lookin' deeper into Mother Nature's whereabouts durin' the month of March, when the spring flowers were first noticed to be missin'.
Well there you have it, my friends. Mayhem has broken out all over our fair province of Nova Scotia. Groundhogs are on the run and Mother Nature is on the lam, accompanied by a flock of missin' lambs, and some kidnapped baby goats, too, not to mention those missin' spring flowers.
And in OTHER news...
THERE'S STILL SNOW.