whew

Well that wasn't fun.

Okay, so actually it was.

MOUSES!

But BUSY, I tell you.  Busy!  Busy, busy, busy, for sure.  THERE WAS SO MUCH TO DO!

But we got 'er all done.

Whew.

MOUSES!

So first there was Christmas Eve.  Saffy fell asleep on the job.

Of course.

He was SUPPOSED to stay up, waitin' for Santa.  He was SUPPOSED to take the first shift.

He was NOT supposed to fall asleep under said tree, only to wake up and find Santa had already been.

MOUSES!

Then came Christmas mornin'.  Tree ornaments to whack about.  Ribbons to shred.  Wrappin' paper to lie on and crush.

You know, those sorta things.

We were goin' full tilt for a while, Saffy and I.  Once the nip in the biff bags kicked in, mayhem ensued.

Saffron tried his best to get into the box his biff bags came in.  "If I fits, I sits!" he yelled out loud.

"But you DON'T fit, Saffron, my man.  That there box is way too small for sittin'," I replied.

"Then I'll wear it as a hat," is what he then said.

And did.

MOUSES!

Christmas Day afternoon and evenin' are kind of a blur.  There was nappin' and snackin',  and MORE nappin' goin' on.  I kinda remember Peepers walkin' about wearin' a lampshade like a hat, and...

No.  Wait.  That was Saffron, I think.  Saffron with a gift box stuck on his head.

Did I mention 'bout how we cats were thoroughly nipped?

MOUSES!

So that was Christmas.  Next came Boxin' Day.

Now BOXIN' Day is the day to wear a box on your head.

MOUSES!

Peepers left a couple big boxes intact just for us, and...

Well most of the day was spent restin'.  Restin' in boxes and recoverin' from nip, and...

Oh, who am I kiddin'?  Saffy and me?  WE WERE BOTH STILL WELL NIPPED.

To tell you the truth, we still are.

My gosh that nip was good stuff.

Santa really did well.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

seventy-eight weeks

So...

So apparently...

So apparently, this comin' week...

This comin' week, the masks are comin' off.

MOUSES!

Not for my peeps though, thank goodness.  My peeps are gonna continue wearin' their masks whenever they're out in indoor public spaces, 'cause wearin' masks helps slow the spread of rabies and distemper and...

Mouses, I mean that peep virus; not rabies.  Not distemper, either.

I don't think.

MOUSES!

Fact is, wearin' masks in indoor public spaces helps slow the virus' spread, so WEARIN' MASKS IN INDOOR PUBLIC SPACES TO PROTECT YOUR COMMUNITY, FRIENDS, AND NEIGHBOURS DURIN' A PANDEMIC - WHETHER MANDATED OR NOT - IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, for sure.

MOUSES!

Plus, over the past four hundred and twenty-four million, five hundred and sixty-nine thousand, six hundred cat seconds, I'm pretty sure Peepers has developed a bit of a beard or moustache or somethin' on that ol' face of hers; and wearin' a mask can hide those kinda things, you see.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

FINE.

*crosses front paws across chest and pouts*

I have been instructed to inform my readers that the stray hair I spotted earlier on the peep's chin was not the beginnings of a beard but rather, one of my marmalade furs.  It drifted up and got stuck on Peepers' chin.

Or so she says.

MOUSES!

But I still stay those masks are good for hidin' things.

It's true!  Like when Peepers is silently swearin' under her breath at the person in front of her with forty-three million items in the twelve item lane?  Yup, that person can't see Peepers' lips movin' under her mask, at all.

Or when Peepers remembers she forgot to brush her teeth after eatin' the parsley garnish at lunch?  Yup, no one can see that ol' bit of parsley stuck in her teeth.  It's completely hidden by her mask, for sure.

Or when Peepers is caught red-pawded, climbin' the grocery store shelves and riskin' bringing them all crashin' down 'cause stuff at the back of the top shelf is outta reach for anyone who's name isn't Hagrid?  Yup, with that mask coverin' half her face, other peeps are highly unlikely to recognise Peepers as the one who brought all the shelving down.

Okay, so that last one never happened.

YET.

But I'm pretty sure one day it will.

MOUSES!

But the bottom line is...

The bottom line is, even though as of the fifteenth masks in indoor public spaces will no longer be mandated here in Nova Scotia, it DOESN'T TAKE A MANDATE for peeps TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

Or does it?

Time will tell, I suppose.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

thirty-five weeks

As those of you who follow my fan page over on Facebook probably already know, I, Seville the Cat, have been battling a stupid ol' squeak that has attached itself to my desk.

No, not a mouse.  A squeak.  An actual annoying whining ol' squeak.

HEY PEEPERS!  GET YOUR TAILLESS TAIL OVER HERE AND GET RID OF THIS STUPID OL' SQUEAK!

Yup, that's what I said and that's how I said it, and everythin'.

And do you know what happened next?

Nothin', that's what.  Nothin'. Nadda.  Not a thing.

MOUSES!

So...

So I repeated myself, only this time I repeated it more loudly.

HEY PEEPERS!  GET YOUR TAILLESS TAIL OVER HERE AND GET RID OF THIS STUPID OL' SQUEAK!

And again, ol' Peepers did nothin'.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

Personally, I'm thinkin' she's gettin' hard of hearin' in her old age.  I mean, when you're as old as the hills - maybe older - I'm pretty sure hearin' is one of the first things to go.

On the other paw, maybe it's those earplugs she ordered from Amazon after my four in the mornin' complaints 'bout this pandemic.

And spreakin' of complainin'...

I, Seville the Cat, am OFFICIALLY complaining 'bout the fact that I've been stuck here in this ol' house with this REALLY OLD peep who, I am sure, is as old as a T-Rex - maybe even older - for thirty-five weeks now.  I'll do the math for you 'cause it's way too complicated for most peeps.  Thirty-five weeks is the equivalent to one hundred and ninety million, five hundred and twelve thousand cat seconds, and...

And that's a whole lot of cat seconds, for sure.

Don't you know.

MOUSES!

So...

So if I'm gonna be stuck here with Peepers for millions and millions of years - I mean, cat seconds, although truth be told, it FEELS like the very same thing - the last thing I want is to be stuck in the same room as a squeaky ol' desk.  It squeaks EVERY TIME I jump up on it and it squeaks even more if I do somethin' like scratch behind an ear or roll around or thwap my tail against it or...  Or...  Or anythin' else we cats like to do on desks, AND IT'S DRIVIN' ME CRAZY, you see.

Even crazier than the peep can drive me, and let me tell you somethin', with Peepers in the drivin' seat, it's a ONE WAY trip to CRAZYland, for sure.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

what a pig

What a pig.

WHAT. A. PIG.

WHAT A MESSY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN'-SLOPPY-EATIN' PIG.

MOUSES!

No Peepers, I'm not talkin' about you.

This time.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!  Come take a gander at this.

NO, it's not a goose.  What the mouses are you talkin' about, woman?  What the....

OH...  I see: gander...  Like in male goose.  Sometimes I really wonder 'bout you.  *scratches behind an ear*  You truly are a very silly peep.

MOUSES!

But it is a bird, I'm talkin' about, here.  Yup, it's a blue jay bird.  A messy, good-for-nothin'-sloppy-eatin' blue jay kinda bird.

What do you MEAN I should be nice?  Have you watched these blue jays eatin' at the feeders?  Have you?  HAVE YOU?  Have you honestly watched 'em at all?  'Cause let me tell you somethin', Peepers.  Let me tell you...

Let me tell you, although they may be pretty birds with their bright blue plumage and stuff, THEY EAT LIKE PIGS.  PIGS, I TELL YOU!  Pigs.

Just look at that one goin' at the feeder over there.  He sits on the edge and 'cause he's too heavy for the feeder - probably on account of his stuffin' his mouth with a whole feeder's worth of seed yesterday - he tips it way over, practically on its side.  Then he sticks his beak in and starts pushin' the seeds outta the feeder and onto the ground.  Sweeping 'em away in a mad sweepin' frenzy!  THEN, after he's emptied out a good inch of seed, he swoops down onto the ground and stuffs his face with bird seed 'til...

'Till...

'TILL HE'S READY TO FLY UP TO THE FEEDER AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.

HE'S EATIN' US OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!

MOUSES!

And if that's not enough, the little chickadees are havin' a hard time gettin' to the feeders to eat.

AND...

AND...

And I'm thinkin', Peepers...

Don't look at me like that.  I THINK. 

Of all the cheeky good-for-nothin' peeps.

MOUSES!

I'M THINKIN' that the more money you have to spend on feedin' those darned sloppy eatin' birds, the less money you'll have for the important things in life, like...

Well...

ME.

MOUSES!

Go on out there, Peepers.  Go tell off those birds.  SOMEBODY has gotta do it and, quite frankly, they're more likely to listen to you than me.  You know, on account of their flyin' off when they see me comin' because I'm a cat.

Plus...

Well...

Well I'm currently in need of a snack.

AND...

And the blue jays would probably appreciate my gettin' that snack in the kitchen and not out on the veranda 'cause if there's one thing birds like less than cats, it's a hungry cat in need of a snack.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-nine weeks

You know somethin'?

Of course you do.  EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.

Now that somethin' might be silly, like the stupid stuff Peepers knows, or it might be important like the IMPORTANT stuff we cats know, but...

But EVERYBODY knows SOMETHIN'.  Right?

AM I RIGHT?

Of course I am.

You know, on account of my bein' a cat.

MOUSES!

Now where was I...

Oh yeah, I was gonna tell you what I figured out the other night.  I, Seville the Cat, figured out that Peepers - MY PEEP #1 - is a superhero.

MOUSES!

It's true, I tell you.  IT'S TRUE!

And do you know how I know?

Well...

Well 'cause I was surfin' the web the other night, lookin' for chicks...  I mean, LADYcats, and...

And I uh...

Umm....

Oh yeah, I was surfin' and I came across the profile of some ladycat who goes by the name, Cat Woman.

Turns out, she's not actually a cat.

Think that's what they call catfishin'.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, this Cat Woman chick, who is not actually a cat, is what peeps call a SUPERHERO.  Yup, she's a hero...

Heroine?

Whatever.

I think she might actually be both.

MOUSES!

SO ANYWAY...

So anyway, this superhero named Cat Woman wears a mask.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY PEEPERS WEARS A MASK, TOO.

Yup, it's true.  It really, really IS true!  Every time Peepers goes out to the store or takes me to the doctor - which, by the way, is very UNheroine-like of her if you ask me, but even heroes have to have at least one flaw - or goes to the mall or goes into any indoor public space...

SHE FIRST PUTS ON A MASK.

MOUSES!

But then I got to thinkin', do ALL superheroes wear masks?

Well it turns out, not all of them do.  Some just turn big and green and kinda...

Well...

Ugly.

I'm sorry, that's not very nice of me.  I should rephrase that 'cause after all, beauty IS on the inside, not the outer surface, and...

Well...

Well let's just say The Hulk turns green, and leave it at that.

MOUSES!

But even though some superheroes don't wear masks, a whole whack of 'em do.

Just like my peep.

So OBVIOUSLY, my peep is a superhero, too.

MOUSES!

Hard to believe I've been cooped up here in this ol' house with a real live superhero for like one hundred and fifty-seven million, eight hundred and fifty-two thousand, eight hundred cat seconds...

BUT IT'S TRUE.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-two weeks

Whatcha got there, Peepers?

*sniff sniff, sniff sniff sniff*

Hmmm...  That's not nip.

"I know they're not catnip, Seville, but aren't they pretty?"

Meh.  Like I said, they're not nip.

"Well I like carnations, Seville, so there."

You like a lotta stupid stuff, Peepers, so THERE!

MOUSES!

Don't you roll your eyes at me like that, Peepers.  You and I both know darn well those flowers aren't as good as catnip.  They're not as good as nip mice, or nippy biff bags, or any other kinda catnip-related items, at all.

Not tuna-related, either.

Not that tuna is as good as the nip, but hey, it comes in at a strong, distant second.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, speakin' of nip...  I mean, tuna, how 'bout gettin' me some lunch?  Some albacore flaked white tuna with a sprig of catnip on the side would be nice.

And while you're at it, COULD YOU BRING ME A SAUCER OF CREAM?

Scratch that.  My mouth loves cream but my tummy...  Not so much.

MOUSES!

But speakin' of cream...

Peepers, you ever wonder how you ended up livin' with a kitty like me?  A kitty who is surely the CREAM of the crop?  Not that I'm a crop, or anythin' like that, but I certainly am the feline equivalent to cream.

Cream rises to the top.

In case you didn't know.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of risin'...

Peepers, how come you slept in this mornin'?  I was waitin' for my brekkies 'bout seven-thirty in the am, and I didn't get those brekkies of mine 'til at least eight.

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S SUNDAY.

Gosh darn it, Peepers, my tummy pays no attention to the days of the week.  You know that.

Unless, of course, the calendar makers out there create a NEW day in order to celebrate the nip.  Like uh... Like Niptuneday.  I would pay attention to that.

Has a nice ring to it, I think.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of rings...

Nope, I got NOTHIN' for rings.

'Cept of course, I CAN RUN RINGS 'ROUND YOU, Peepers.  I can run rings 'round you, for sure.

MOUSES!

But back to this calendar and days of the week thing.  You know what day it is today, Peepers?  You have any idea?  Huh?  HUH?  HUH?

Of course you don't.

MOUSES!

As you know absolutely nothin', Peepers, I shall explain.  Today marks twenty-two weeks of MY havin' been STUCK HERE in this house with YOU.  Yup, twenty-two weeks.  TWENTY-TWO.  That's one hundred and nineteen million, seven hundred and fifty thousand, four hundred seconds in cat time.

Did you hear what I said, Peepers?  I said, I'VE been STUCK HERE WITH YOU for ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN MILLION, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED cat seconds.  That's a whole lotta seconds, you know.  A WHOLE LOTTA seconds, for sure.

I deserve a medal of some kind.

Or perhaps a monetary prize.

Oh, I know!  I deserve money to buy myself a new nip mouse.  Or a biff bag!  Or maybe both.  Anythin', really, other than those stupid carnations of yours.

Boy, do they EVER stink.

A rotting tuna would smell better.

A LOT better.

A WHOLE lot better.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty-one weeks

You met my WHAT?

MOUSES!

Peepers, let me get this straight.  While out walkin' the other night, you say you met my...

My...

My DOPPELGANGER?  Is that what you met?

MOUSES!

*scratches behind an ear*

While out on a walk, you say.

*scratches behind the other ear*

MOUSES!

But what were you doin' siftin' through the litter box while out walkin'?

And HOW were you siftin' through the litter box while outside, walkin'?

And how did the litter box end up outside in the first place?  Litter boxes are INDOOR plumbing, Peepers.  INDOORS!

And why...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' about now?

What do you MEAN doppelgangers have nothin' to do with litter boxes and litter?

No, SERIOUSLY, what do you mean?  I always thought...

Uh...

Never mind.

MOUSES!

So what does the word "doppelganger"mean then, Ms Know-it-all Smarty-pants Peepers?  Huh?  HUH?  Betcha don't know.  Betcha don't have a clue.  Betcha...

Oh.

Really?

REALLY?

MOUSES!

So let me get this straight, while you were out walkin' the other night, you happened to come across a kitty that looks exactly like me.

Well that must have been one VERY GOOD LOOKIN' kitty, for sure.  I mean, if he looked exactly like me...

Just how good lookin' was he, Peepers?  Was he REALLY as good lookin' as me?  Was he...

Was he BETTER lookin' than me?

Nah, that would be an impossibility, for sure.

He wasn't better lookin' than me, was he Peepers?  Tell me the truth.  I..  I...  I can handle it.  I can..

NO, DON'T tell me.  Don't give me an answer.  Don't...

Unless, of course, you're gonna tell me I'M the better lookin' kitty.  You can tell me that.  I can handle hearin' that.

MOUSES!

I see...  So he's not nearly as good lookin' as me.

Thought so.

MOUSES!

He doesn't have a locket, you say?  He doesn't have that cute little patch of cream fur I wear 'bout my neck?

And no adorable freckles on the nose, either, huh?

OH...  Well then OF COURSE he's not as good-lookin' as me.

But he does look like me in every other way.

Or so you say.

Hmmm...

You know what, Peepers?  You and I have been cooped up in this here house for a whole twenty-one weeks, now.  For a whole one hundred and fourteen million, three hundred and seven thousand, two hundred seconds in cat time.  AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

In all that time, we never knew my doppelganger was living 'round here.

As opposed to livin' in the litter box, but I guess that's not what bein' a doppelganger is really about.

You think this doppelganger business could be some kinda wacky, alternative universe crossover, pandemic-inspired super weird kinda thing?  After all, it is 2020, Peepers.  A kitty never knows what to expect next.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

twenty weeks

Don't get any ideas, Peepers.  DON'T GET ANY IDEAS.  DON'T EVEN THINK 'BOUT BRINGIN' HIM HOME!

I'm tellin' ya...

PEEPS.

MOUSES!

So the peeps and I have been pretty much stuck here together for twenty weeks now, due to this pandemic thingy.

And just so you know, twenty weeks is one hundred and eight million, eight hundred and sixty-four thousand seconds in cat time; and that's a whole LOTTA seconds, for sure.

MOUSES!

THANKFULLY, Peepers has taken to goin' for evenin' walks once more, and I can get her out of my fur for an hour or so every night.  That means 'bout an hour less of hearin' her cry, Sivvers, don't you want to come into the family room for a cuddle?

Did I say cry?

I meant WHINE.

MOUSES!

Now durin' these last twenty weeks, we've had ZERO peeps visitin' the house.  Oh sure, the courier comes every now and then, but he just drops the parcel he's carryin' and runs.  Never gets to step inside the door.

Not that he ever did before.

MOUSES!

But other than the courier, NO ONE has stepped paw even near the house.

In other words, we're not open for visitors.


MOUSES!

But last night...

Last night, Peepers went out for her walk, and...

SHE CAME ACROSS THE BEAR.

Okay, so technically SHE didn't come across the bear.  A neighbour did.  And he cycled up behind her and said, "Just saw a bear three streets down.  Biggest bear I've ever seen."

Or somethin' like that.

MOUSES!

Now YOU'D THINK that after hearin' that, Peepers would turn tail...

Ponytail?

Yeah, that works.

I suppose.

But like I was sayin', you'd think that after hearin' the biggest bear this neighbour has ever seen was just three streets over, Peepers would make a beeline for home.

But...

But my peep...

IS SUPER STUPID, AT BEST.

MOUSES!

Instead of comin' home and inside, Peepers continued along on her merry way, walkin' her usual walk.

Totally OBLIVIOUS of the bear.

Oblivious...  Stupid...  Whatever.

My PURRsonal theory is that with all this stayin' at home for twenty weeks business, Peepers is lonely.  That's she's missin' havin' other peeps over.  That she...

That she figured if she met up with the bear, she'd invite him on over for dinner.

Because as far as we know, bears don't carry the virus.

But that brings me back to what I said earlier:

DON'T EVEN THINK 'BOUT BRINGIN' HIM HOME!

MOUSES!

'Cause when one invites a bear over for dinner, one never really knows WHO that dinner might be.

Or should that be whom?

Whatever.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

nineteen weeks

COMIN' THROUGH!

Ahhh... 

That's better.

Oh hey there, Peepers.  You might wanna go the other way 'round.  I just used the little boys' room over here, and it's uh...

Well...

Little stinky.

MOUSES!

But don't worry, Peepers.  I'll cover that all up.  Yup, I'll scratch the wall here for a good three or four minutes, 'cause you know...

Scratchin' at walls helps cover stuff up.

MOUSES!

YOU DON'T KNOW THERE'S NO KITTY LITTER ON THAT THERE DARNED WALL.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of litter...

Peepers went for groceries on Friday, and do you know what she saw?

I'll tell you what she saw.  I'll tell you what she saw, right now.  She saw a mask on the ground in the parkin' lot, where some stupid peep must have gone and thrown it down.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

Oh sure, it was one of those disposable ones, but peeps are supposed to dispose of them in the proper manner.  They're not supposed to be tossin' them out on the ground.

That's litterin', that is.  LITTERIN'.

Masks should be disposed of at home.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of masks...

Peepers made some more biff bags for me.

I know, I know...   I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', what's the connection between biff bags and masks?

Well...

Well she used the scraps of fabric leftover from makin' a pawful of cotton masks for herself and Peep #2, to make those biff bags for me.

WAIT A MINUTE.

She used the LEFTOVER scraps from the masks to make MY biff bags?

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND.

Next time, I'll be sure she uses the scraps of fabric LEFT OVER FROM MY BIFF BAGS to make her stupid ol' masks.

MOUSES!

But I can forgive her, I SUPPOSE, on account of her fillin' those big bags with catnip.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of nip...

When Peepers was leavin' the parkin' lot - the one with the disposable mask recklessly tossed on the ground - she noticed the lineup to get into the human nip store was like twenty gazillion miles long.

Okay, so there were like twelve, thirteen, fourteen people in line, each standin' six paws apart.  She ran out of fingers to count 'em after ten, so an in EXACT count is not to be found.

But I'm tellin' ya, peeps out there must really want their nip to be willin' to stand in a lineup that long.

Good thing I now grow my own.

MOUSES!

And speakin' of growin'...

I've now been cooped up in this house with the peeps for a whole NINETEEN weeks now, seven days longer than this time, last week.

And that's one hundred and three million, four hundred and twenty thousand, eight hundred seconds in cat time.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

eighteen weeks

So for like the past ninety-seven million, nine hundred and seventy-seven thousand, six hundred seconds in cat time, I've been stuck with the peeps' presence day in and day out, and it has literally been drivin' me crazy.

MOUSES!

Literally.  Yes, that's what I said.  LITERALLY.

MOUSES!

But then last Thursday...

Last Thursday, THEY LEFT ME ALL ALONE.

ALL ALONE!

ALL. DAY. LONG.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

That's right folks, for about two hundred and fifty-nine thousand and two hundred cat seconds, I WAS LEFT ALL BY MYSELF, ALL ALONE.

Now some of you might be thinkin' that's a good thing.  Come to think of it, there was a time not all that long ago that I, myself, might have thought havin' the peeps out of my fur for most of the day was a good thing, too, but...

But it turns out, bein' left home alone for hours and hours on end is not all it's cracked up to be.

MOUSES!

And why is bein' left home alone all day not all it's cracked up to be, you ask?

Well I'll tell you why.  I'll tell you why right now.

For starters, I had no one waitin' on me paw and paw.  No one tendin' to my daily needs.  No one...

NO ONE TO COMPLAIN TO AT ALL.

And I had plenty of complainin' to do, for sure.  My water dish was not filled hourly with cold water.  My food dishes were not replenished after each bite.  Why...

WHY AT ONE POINT, MY BOWL OF KIBBLE WAS HALF EMPTY.

MOUSES!

And then there was the issue with the door.

I am a cat who NEEDS an automatic door, you see.  You know the kind.  The kind that open right up whenever I want.

Now in the past, the doors to the house have been on a kinda manual automatic system.  The peeps have to open 'em manually, but they do so automatically when I desire.

The system works.

Pretty much.

MOUSES!

But on Thursday, with no peeps around to open the door when I wanted it opened...

I HAD TO SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY IN THE HOUSE.

MOUSES!

And this, my friends, is unacceptable.  This kinda behaviour by the peeps will simply not do.  This is verging on negligence of the most horrible kind.  This...

THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF, FOR SURE!

Are you sittin' down out there, my pals?  You need to sit down before I tell you the worst of what happened that day.

When they got home...

When they got home...

WHEN THEY GOT HOME...

THEY KISSED ME AND CUDDLED ME AND PRACTICALLY SMOTHERED ME TO DEATH.

Yuck.

Icky.

It was disgusting, my friends.

Odds are they gave me their peep germs, for sure.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

And remember to mask up, too.

seventeen weeks

It's a definite improvement, for sure.

MOUSES!

Oh quit your griping, woman.  I didn't actually say you were ugly.  I SAID, you looked better with the mask on than off.

MOUSES!

And I'd like you know, I HAVE THE AESTHETICS OF A CAT.

You should be so lucky to have the same.  But as a peep, you don't, so you aren't aware 'bout how much better your face looks when half of it is all covered up like that.

MOUSES!

******

And such was the start of my day.

A few hours later...

Peepers, are you still goin' on about this?  Let me tell you some facts.  I've been lookin' at that ol' mug of yours for like uh...  For ninety-two million, five hundred and thirty-four thousand, four hundred seconds.  And let me tell you somethin' else: THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF SECONDS, for sure.

Even if they are in cat time.

And gettin' a bit of a reprieve by not havin' to look at your WHOLE mug all the time is...

Well...

Well I'll take what I can get, okay?

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers, you ever look at a raccoon?

Of course you have.

Well raccoons are cute, right?

RIGHT?

Right.

And raccoons look like they're wearin' masks.  Now if raccoons are cute while wearin' a mask, maybe you could look cute wearin' one, too.

Not buyin' that, huh?

Well...

Well why aren't you?  You know darn well raccoons are cute.

YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE AS CUTE AS A RACCOON.

MOUSES!

Of course, bein' as cute as a cat would be even better, but let's face facts...

Face facts.

Pun intended?

Oh yeah.

MOUSES!

But let's face facts, your face is NEVER gonna look as cute as mine 'cause uh...

Well...

Well 'cause I'm a cat and you, my dear Peepers, are only a peep.

And peeps...

Well peeps just aren't as cute as us cats.

But like I said before, the mask does help.  As much as anythin' can, I suppose.  Makes you at least tolerable to look at, and...

QUIT YOUR GRIPING, WOMAN!  I AM NOT BEIN' INSULTIN'.  I'M MERELY EXPLAININ' HOW YOUR LOOKS CAN BE IMPROVED WITH A MASK!!!

Boy oh boy, a cat tells his peep the mask she's wearin' to be a good global citizen and keep other peeps safe durin' this pandemic thing looks good on her, and what does a cat get?

Nothin' but grief.

MOUSES!

SO WHAT IF I EXPLAINED IT IN SUCH A WAY AS TO MAKE YOU THINK I WAS SAYIN' YOUR HIDIN' YOUR FACE WAS AN IMPROVEMENT?

I mean, that IS what I meant, but so what if that's the way I said it?  I was still tellin' you, you look good in a mask.

Peeps, they're never satisfied, you know?

Of course you do.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

And remember to mask up, too.