eighteen weeks

So for like the past ninety-seven million, nine hundred and seventy-seven thousand, six hundred seconds in cat time, I've been stuck with the peeps' presence day in and day out, and it has literally been drivin' me crazy.

MOUSES!

Literally.  Yes, that's what I said.  LITERALLY.

MOUSES!

But then last Thursday...

Last Thursday, THEY LEFT ME ALL ALONE.

ALL ALONE!

ALL. DAY. LONG.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

That's right folks, for about two hundred and fifty-nine thousand and two hundred cat seconds, I WAS LEFT ALL BY MYSELF, ALL ALONE.

Now some of you might be thinkin' that's a good thing.  Come to think of it, there was a time not all that long ago that I, myself, might have thought havin' the peeps out of my fur for most of the day was a good thing, too, but...

But it turns out, bein' left home alone for hours and hours on end is not all it's cracked up to be.

MOUSES!

And why is bein' left home alone all day not all it's cracked up to be, you ask?

Well I'll tell you why.  I'll tell you why right now.

For starters, I had no one waitin' on me paw and paw.  No one tendin' to my daily needs.  No one...

NO ONE TO COMPLAIN TO AT ALL.

And I had plenty of complainin' to do, for sure.  My water dish was not filled hourly with cold water.  My food dishes were not replenished after each bite.  Why...

WHY AT ONE POINT, MY BOWL OF KIBBLE WAS HALF EMPTY.

MOUSES!

And then there was the issue with the door.

I am a cat who NEEDS an automatic door, you see.  You know the kind.  The kind that open right up whenever I want.

Now in the past, the doors to the house have been on a kinda manual automatic system.  The peeps have to open 'em manually, but they do so automatically when I desire.

The system works.

Pretty much.

MOUSES!

But on Thursday, with no peeps around to open the door when I wanted it opened...

I HAD TO SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY IN THE HOUSE.

MOUSES!

And this, my friends, is unacceptable.  This kinda behaviour by the peeps will simply not do.  This is verging on negligence of the most horrible kind.  This...

THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF, FOR SURE!

Are you sittin' down out there, my pals?  You need to sit down before I tell you the worst of what happened that day.

When they got home...

When they got home...

WHEN THEY GOT HOME...

THEY KISSED ME AND CUDDLED ME AND PRACTICALLY SMOTHERED ME TO DEATH.

Yuck.

Icky.

It was disgusting, my friends.

Odds are they gave me their peep germs, for sure.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

And remember to mask up, too.

home alone

So yesterday, the peeps went out for the day.

ALL DAY.

ALL. DAY. LONG.

Okay, so it was more like three or four hours, but it felt like an entire day to me.

MOUSES!

What am I sayin'?  It felt like forever.  At least a couple weeks.  IT WAS AN ETERNITY, for sure.

MOUSES!

And as Peep #1 was leavin' the house, she called out, "Be good you two!  Be nice to one another.  There's plenty of food and water in your dishes."

Well let's break that down, shall we?

Be good.  Humph.  From personal experience I know that my idea of bein' good, and the peep's idea of bein' good, are TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT things.  What's more, bein' good has NOTHIN' TO DO WITH NOTHIN' about bein' nice to my brother.  For example, a good smacky-paw to Rushy's ear might not be nice, I suppose, but it might also be totally necessary.  I shouldn't be penalised for doin' things that are necessary, AND I MOST CERTAINLY SHOULDN'T be told I'm bein' naughty for doin' what must be done.

MOUSES!

And what's this crapola 'bout there bein' plenty of food and water in our dishes?  I also know from personal experience that the peep's idea of plenty of food and water in our dishes, and my idea of plenty of food and water in our dishes, are TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT things.

HAS SHE NEVER SEEN RUSHTON EAT?

Why, that ol' long-haired freak of a brother of mine can eat his weight in kibble.

AT ONE SITTING.

MOUSES!

Doesn't leave a whole lot left for me, you know?

MOUSES!

So anyway....

So anyway, the peeps left the house, yesterday, 'bout three in the afternoon.

By five past three, I was pretty sure we were both gonna starve.

And by ten past three, I KNEW we were gonna starve, for sure.

MOUSES!

As there was nothin' left to do but sit and wait for our impending demise, I decided to take a nap.

Well you can imagine how upset I was when I woke up 'bout an hour later to find the peeps still hadn't returned.  Oh sure, there was still kibble in the bowl - which was pretty miraculous considerin' the feline competitive eater otherwise known as Rushy was in the house - and there was water, too.

But still...

But still, the water wasn't fresh.  It wasn't straight from the tap, you know?  That bowl had been filled for over an hour.

Not that I like it fresh from the tap or anythin'.  Truth be told, I prefer good ol' puddle water to tap water, but a kitty can never find a good puddle when inside the house.

Believe me, I know.

MOUSES!

So after turnin' my nose up at the water that was not from a vintage puddle, and the kibble that Rushy had possibly breathed upon whilst I was taking a nap, I stared out the window for a bit.  Then I batted at a nip mouse, knocked a couple things off the coffee table, and considered makin' the left arm of the pink chair in the family room match the right arm by tearin' at a few threads.

"OH WOE IS ME!"  I cried, but alas, there was no one home to hear.

'Cept Rushy.

MOUSES!

I looked at the clock on the wall.

It was quarter past four.

MOUSES!

Tick-tock.  Tick-tock.  Tick-tock.  How many ticks and how many tocks would it take before my peeps would return home?

Mesmerized by the tickin', I must have fallen asleep once more, for the next thing I knew, the peeps were comin' in the back door.

"YOU'RE HOME!  YOU'RE HOME!  Oh my mouses, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HOME!"  I yelled.

In my mind.

'Cause let me tell you somethin', my friends; after havin' left us home alone to fend for ourselves FOR AN ETERNITY like they did, I wasn't gonna speak to those peeps ever again.  I was gonna give 'em the cold shoulder for sure.  I was gonna make 'em TALK TO THE TAIL if they wanted to converse with me.  I was gonna...

Well let's just say, I had to inspect their bags for toys and treats in TOTAL SILENCE, without so much as a purr or a squeak.

MOUSES!