full of spunk

That darned cat is full of spunk.

Full of somethin', anyway.

But Peepers says it's spunk.  SAYS.  Jury is still out on that, I think.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, it's like this: Saffron has more energy than a million billion kajillion cats all put together.  It's a fact.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, the other day Saffy Saffron Sassafras was lyin' down in the front flower bed that has hardly any flowers right now on account of Peepers' slackin'.  But that's another story for another time, I suppose.  There bein' so few flowers out there - due to Peepers' peepified slackin' - that I can count 'em on my two front paws, I mean.  The bit 'bout Saffy Saffron Sassafras is the story I'm about to tell you right now.

MOUSES!

So there he was, lyin' there, watchin' birdies flit here and there and just about everywhere before landin' - more often than not - on the little tiered red bird feeder.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', how can a cat be full of spunk if he's just lyin' around, watchin' birdies fly past?

Well I'm gettin' to that!

MOUSES!

The thing is, there he was, lyin' there, doin' not much of anythin' but watchin' a little chickadee who had landed on one of the uh...  tiers of that tiered feeder, I suppose, when all of a sudden...

All of a sudden...

All of a sudden, that Saffy Saffron Sassafras leapt in the air and the next thing I knew, he was clutchin' the bottom tier of that tiered feeder with his front paws and swayin' in the wind.

I swear, it was like watchin' Kurt Browning serenely glidin' across the ice before, seemingly out of nowhere, landin' a quad.

MOUSES!

But back to that ol' brother of mine who, at that moment, was still clingin' to the bird feeder and swayin' in the wind.

"GET DOWN FROM THERE!" I yelled.  "GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!!!  PEEPERS SEES YOU BOTHERIN' THE BIRDIES AND NEITHER ONE OF US WILL HEAR THE END OF IT, FOR SURE."

Still swingin', Saffron glared at the birdie now sittin' on the roof of the house, safely out of harms way.  And I swear to you, my friends...  I SWEAR that little birdie was laughin' at him.

MOUSES!

Well long story short, Saffron let go of the bird feeder and landed on all four paws in the almost flowerless flower garden; the birdie got a good laugh; and I, my friends, gave my brother a good chewin' out, explainin' that at this house we cats are far too civilised to go 'round chasin' the birds.

No, I didn't chew him.  I didn't bite him at all!  It's an expression, you see, meanin' that...

Oh, you know what I mean.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

why

No, no, no Saffron.  No Saffron, no.  NO.  NO!!!

Oh my mouses Saffron, we need to talk.

MOUSES!

Saffron, birds are for watchin'.  Birds are not snacks.

Well when you said...  Well you didn't, actually.  You actually DIDN'T say you were gonna eat those birdies out at the feeders, but...

But...

But you licked your lips when you saw 'em.

MOUSES!

Saffron, we cats - that's you and me, by the way - have a deal with the peeps.  Well with Peep #1, to be exact.  But that's beside the point, that is.  The deal is, Peepers feeds the birdies and we don't eat 'em.

MOUSES!

Why, you ask?  WHY?

Well...

Well I don't know why, to be honest.  We just don't, is all.  We don't eat the birdies that come to the feeders.

But...  But what?

Oh yes, I'm sure they are quite tasty, if you're into that sorta thing.  But we - and that's you and me, by the way - are not.  We're not into eatin' song birdies at all.

Why?

'CAUSE WE'RE CATS.

Okay, so that didn't come out quite right.

Umm...

'Cause we're CIVILISED cats, that's why.

MOUSES!

Plus, Peepers gets upset if we even think about doin' such things.  She'll freak out like no peep has ever freaked out before.  She'll...

BUT WE DO CARE WHAT PEEPERS THINKS, SAFFRON.  We do!

Why?  Again you're askin' me, why?

'CAUSE PEEPERS KNOWS HOW TO OPEN THE TINS, and that, my dear Saffron, is the only reason you need.

MOUSES!

Why?

WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE MOUSED-UP QUESTIONS, SAFFRON?  Why this and why that.  My gosh, had I known you were gonna be askin' question after question after question after comin' to live here with me, I would have discouraged Peepers' attempts to...

Why?  You're askin' me why?  AGAIN?  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY!

And yet, there you go, askin' me why, once more.

*unsheaths a glistenin' claw*

I'll tell you why, Saffron, my man.  I'll tell you WHY with my claws.  And then I'll...

AND DON'T YOU DARE ASK ME WHY ONE MORE TIME.

Why?  WHY?  You wanna know why?  You wanna know WHY I don't want you askin' me why?

Oh the moused-up trials and tribulations of havin' a brother.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Oh PEEEE-prrrsssss...

Hey Peepers!  There's someone wantin' to see you at the back door.

What do you MEAN you're not expectin' anybody?  I wasn't expectin' anyone, either, but I still went to the door to see who was squawkin'.  And since I wasn't expectin' anyone, when I saw this guy at the door, my first response was to tell him to get lost.

So I did.

MOUSES!

What do you MEAN tellin' guys at the door to get lost is bein' rude?  What do you mean?  It's not like YOU'VE never told someone waitin' at the door to bugger off, you know.  I've seen you do it.  MORE THAN ONCE.

Although you probably used nicer words.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, I told this guy to get lost, but he paid absolutely no attention to me.  He's still out there waitin' for you.

AND HE'S NOT WEARIN' A MASK, EITHER, SO BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!

Gotta look out for my peep.

Oh, and Peepers?  Ummm...  Uh, if he happens to complain 'bout my throwin' a shoe at him, pay no attention to that.  That's nothin' but a lie, that is.  Nothin' but a lie!

It was merely a slipper.

MOUSES!

That reminds me; I must remember to ask Santa to bring Peepers a new pair of slippers for Christmas.

MOUSES!

So um...  What did he want?

What do you MEAN there was no one waitin' outside the door?  What do you mean?  He was there just a minute a go.

I'll be right back.

A cat has gotta do everythin' himself, 'round here.

MOUSES!

He's still there, all right.  You must be goin' blind.  Peepers, you need Santa to bring you a new pair of glasses, this year?  I'm writin' my letter to him this week so if you like, I can tack that onto the list.

AHHH...  That explains your not seein' him.  Well, that and your general lack of observational skills.  The guy is still standin' out there, Peepers, but he's not standin' on the mat.  Come with me and I can point him out.

There, Peepers.  There!  The guy is standin' right there.

No, not there.  THERE!  Look up.  Look way, way up.  Well not so far up that you're lookin' into the sky.  Just far enough up so that you're lookin' at the top of the fence.  See?  THERE!

Well yeah, that's the guy.  That there big ol' crow is the guy who has been at the back door, squawkin' up a storm 'bout his needin' a word with you.

No, he didn't call you by name.  But he sure as mouses wasn't wantin' to speak to me.

Least not after I threw that ol' shoe.

I MEAN, SLIPPER!

But all that aside, he's not wantin' to talk to me.  He's wantin' to talk to you, Peepers.  Like I said, he didn't call you by name but he did give a good description.  The silly ol' sod who fills the bird feeders, is what he said.  Oh, and something 'bout funny lookin' hair.

OBVIOUSLY, he's talkin' about you.

My fur is anythin' but funny.

MOUSES!

So anyway, Peepers, apparently you forgot to put bird food out back, this mornin', and the birds are anythin' but pleased.  In fact, that's why one of 'em is standin' out there at our back door wantin' to have a word in your ear.

Word...  Talk...  Squawk...  Whatever.

So I suggest you go do something about that.

And maybe first run a comb through that hair?

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

Zzzz...

 

CLEAR THE DECK!

We've got a mournin' dove cleared for a landin'.

MOUSES!

I swear, it's like JFK and Grand Central Station out there, all rolled into one.

MOUSES!

So I was lookin' out the livin' room window earlier, wantin' to see if my sister-to-be, Saffron, was anywhere to be found, when what did my little eyes see?

Well, not Saffron, I'm afraid.  Oh, she had been there earlier, for sure.  Plates with the fanciest of the feasts had been licked clean, although much of the dry kibble was untouched.

Peepers adds a few temptin' treats to the bowl with the kibble, you see, and Saffron, bein' a very smart girl...

OF COURSE she's smart.  After all, she's gonna be MY sister.  MOUSES!

...eats the treats and leaves the kibble behind.

MOUSES!

But anyway, even though Saffron wasn't about, the veranda was still filled with activity.  And when I say, filled, I mean, FILLED.  It's like a MADHOUSE out there, to be sure.

We've got mourin' doves and some kinda black birds who like to eat off the ground.  Peepers doesn't actually put bird seed on the ground for 'em, but the blue jays knock seed from the feeders down, and the ground eaters eat it right up.  Then there are finches of some sort and tonnes of chickadees about.  Oh, and every now and then, a woodpecker.  Believe it or not, I've even seen crows.

And those are just the birdies.  Or the flyin' maraudin' critters, as I say.

On the ground we have squirrels.  Big black ones and grey ones, as well as the little red guys, all runnin' about.  There are chippies out there, too.  And every now and then, a mouse.

Okay, so I haven't personally seen any mice runnin' about, but...

But the other day, Peepers was out there sweepin' up sunflower seed shells and found a dead mouse.  It was sad and we held quite an elaborate funeral, and...

Okay, so actually, Peepers just wrapped the little guy up in a paper towel and gently placed him under a big tree, out in the woods.

WE THINK the mouse was left by Saffron.  Not sure if she caught it before decidin' she'd rather eat the yummy fuds Peepers puts out for her, or...

Or if it was a gift.

For Peepers.

MOUSES!

Quite literally, too.  You know, since the gift was a mouse.

MOUSES!

But anyway, with all the ground and air activity goin' on out there, there's never a dull moment for a kitty like me, EVEN IF I DON'T wanna actually go outside.  No sirree.  I can just hang out in the big livin' room chair and watch bird and squirrel TV for hours on end.

Until I get tired.

Until I get sleepy.

Until I get...

*yawns*

Zzzzzzzz.............

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

what a pig

What a pig.

WHAT. A. PIG.

WHAT A MESSY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN'-SLOPPY-EATIN' PIG.

MOUSES!

No Peepers, I'm not talkin' about you.

This time.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!  Come take a gander at this.

NO, it's not a goose.  What the mouses are you talkin' about, woman?  What the....

OH...  I see: gander...  Like in male goose.  Sometimes I really wonder 'bout you.  *scratches behind an ear*  You truly are a very silly peep.

MOUSES!

But it is a bird, I'm talkin' about, here.  Yup, it's a blue jay bird.  A messy, good-for-nothin'-sloppy-eatin' blue jay kinda bird.

What do you MEAN I should be nice?  Have you watched these blue jays eatin' at the feeders?  Have you?  HAVE YOU?  Have you honestly watched 'em at all?  'Cause let me tell you somethin', Peepers.  Let me tell you...

Let me tell you, although they may be pretty birds with their bright blue plumage and stuff, THEY EAT LIKE PIGS.  PIGS, I TELL YOU!  Pigs.

Just look at that one goin' at the feeder over there.  He sits on the edge and 'cause he's too heavy for the feeder - probably on account of his stuffin' his mouth with a whole feeder's worth of seed yesterday - he tips it way over, practically on its side.  Then he sticks his beak in and starts pushin' the seeds outta the feeder and onto the ground.  Sweeping 'em away in a mad sweepin' frenzy!  THEN, after he's emptied out a good inch of seed, he swoops down onto the ground and stuffs his face with bird seed 'til...

'Till...

'TILL HE'S READY TO FLY UP TO THE FEEDER AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.

HE'S EATIN' US OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!

MOUSES!

And if that's not enough, the little chickadees are havin' a hard time gettin' to the feeders to eat.

AND...

AND...

And I'm thinkin', Peepers...

Don't look at me like that.  I THINK. 

Of all the cheeky good-for-nothin' peeps.

MOUSES!

I'M THINKIN' that the more money you have to spend on feedin' those darned sloppy eatin' birds, the less money you'll have for the important things in life, like...

Well...

ME.

MOUSES!

Go on out there, Peepers.  Go tell off those birds.  SOMEBODY has gotta do it and, quite frankly, they're more likely to listen to you than me.  You know, on account of their flyin' off when they see me comin' because I'm a cat.

Plus...

Well...

Well I'm currently in need of a snack.

AND...

And the blue jays would probably appreciate my gettin' that snack in the kitchen and not out on the veranda 'cause if there's one thing birds like less than cats, it's a hungry cat in need of a snack.

MOUSES!

 ***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

the cheek of it

You know, peeps SAY we should turn the other cheek.

Yup, they say that all the time.  They claim it's the best thing to do.  I've heard my peep say it like twenty-nine million times, times two!

So...

So I asked that squirrel sittin' out on my veranda to turn the other cheek, and what did he do?

Well he turned right 'round and I saw that his SECOND cheek was as pudgy as his first.

Oh, the cheek of it.

MOUSES!

Okay, so MAYBE that wasn't the kinda cheek turnin' Peepers had in mind, but...

But...

Ohhh....  Whatever.

MOUSES!

So you all know 'bout the bird feeder business out on our veranda, right?  The bird feeders the birds WERE ignorin' but are now comin' to in droves?

Well...

Well now we've got squirrels.

MOUSES!

Now don't get me wrong.  We've ALWAYS had squirrels.  Little red ones, big grey and black ones, etc, etc, etc...

But NEVER BEFORE did they come this close to me and my house!

MOUSES!

The other day, I was lookin' out the livin' room window and down on the ground, right below one of the feeders, was this big ol' grey squirrel.  He sat there for the longest time, his tail all puffed out like a powder puff on steroids, stuffin' his face with bird seed.

Yup, that's what he was doin' all right.  He was eatin' the seeds the birdies had spilled, for those little gold finches are a messy lot, indeed.  Seems there are some seeds they like better than others, and when they come across one they don't like, they spit it out on the ground.

I'm tellin' ya, if my table manners were that bad, ol' Peepers would be havin' connptions and fits.

MOUSES!

But back to that squirrel.

So anyway, there he was, eatin' and eatin' and EATIN' all the bird seed on the ground.  Stuffin' his face like a Thanksgivin' turkey.

On steroids.

MOUSES!

And for the nine lives of me, I HAVE NO IDEA how he fit it all in!

Yup, it was that bad.

MOUSES!

So I called ol' Peepers to the window and pointed down at the ground.  I told her she was gonna have to do something 'bout that squirrel and she was gonna have to do somethin' fast, OR I WAS GONNA GO OUT THERE and do somethin' myself.

But do you know what?

She thought that ol' stupid squirrel was cute.

Oh, the cheek of it.

MOUSES!

BREAKING NEWS...

BREAKING NEWS...

THIS JUST IN:

RECENT REPORTS INDICATE...

This just in:  Recent reports indicate that on Friday January10th, two chickadees were spotted at the newly installed bird feeders on the veranda belongin' to none other than Seville the Cat.  Two, my friends.  TWO!  Not as many as were first sighted on Christmas Day, but two more than have been seen since December 25th.

Scientists have been brought in to try to discover why...

Okay, so there were no scientists brought in.

Peepers has been employed to find out...

Okay, so she isn't so much bein' employed as...

Well...

Well I just asked her to make some enquiries, okay?.  It's not like I'm actually payin' her.

MOUSES!

Peep #1 is on the job...

Peep #1 IS NOT BEIN' PAID - at least not by me, no matter what she tries to tell you - but on the job, nevertheless, in an attempt to figure out why after visitin' on December 25th, all but two of the chickadees have failed to return.  And those two only returned for a short period, and only the other day.

THERE HAVE BEEN REPORTS GOIN' ON AROUND THE NEIGHBOURHOOD that there are other peeps fillin' their bird feeders with premium bird seed, IN A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT to shut out the feeders at the house of Seville the Cat.  These reports are currently unsubstantiated however, the RCMP and CSIS have been contacted and are expected to start an investigation in the coming days.  I have it on good authority, their first plan of action will be to track down and interview the two chickadees spotted at the feeder on Thursday, so anyone knowing the whereabouts of said chickadees is asked to IMMEDIATELY call their local law enforcement agencies, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

What do you MEAN the RCMP and CSIS aren't gonna investigate?  What do you MEAN?

What do you MEAN the RCMP and CSIS have better things to do than hang out by our bird feeders and investigate the lack of chickadees?  What do you MEAN?

What do you MEAN I shouldn't be tellin' peeps to call the RCMP and CSIS if they know the whereabouts of those two chickadees I saw the other day?  What do you MEAN?

Oh for mousin' out loud, Peepers.  You know, if you were a better peep than the peep you are, you'd know how to get those chickadees back here, pronto, and the RCMP and CSIS wouldn't have to investigate the lack of chickadees in the first place!  This is all your fault, Peepers.  ALL YOUR FAULT.  Don't you go tryin' to accuse me of whatever it is you're accusin' me of doin'.  IT'S NOT MY FAULT I have a case of missin' chickadees on my paws.  Not my fault at all!

Besides, my sources tell me the RCMP and CSIS REALLY ARE startin' up an investigation, and my sources are sound.

SO THERE.

MOUSES!

Who might my sources be, you ask?

Well...

Well would you believe it if I told you one of 'em was Rushy?

He does so know.

DOES TOO.

Yeah, he does.  He heard it from some cat, who heard it from some cat, who heard it from some other cat, who heard it from some handsome marmalade author-type dude who happens to be very known in the cat bloggin' world, and

Uhh...

Umm...

Hmm...

Awww...  Never mind.

MOUSES!