persona non grata

Persona non grata, Peepers.  Persona non grata!  You are a very unwelcome person, for sure.

MOUSES!

Except, of course, when I need you to serve me my din-dins.

Which kinda goes without sayin'.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' Peepers must have done somethin' super duper horribly horrific, for her to be persona non grata with Saffron and me.

Well, do you know somethin', my friends?

YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, it all started the other day.  Or maybe it was actually yesterday.  The whole thing is a total blur on account of my tryin' to completely wipe the event from my memory.

MOUSES!

So one day very recently, perhaps even yesterday, Peepers got out the ol' whatchamacallits.  Yeah, that's what she said.  That's the very word she happened to use.

AND THAT'S WHEN I SHOULD have clued in.  'Cause whenever Peepers starts gettin' all vague, usin' words that could be applied to just about anythin', there's bound to be trouble, for sure.

Either that - trouble, I mean - or she has just gone and forgotten her words.  Could go either way, I suppose.  A lot depends on whether or not she has recently had her caffeine.

But whether she's at a loss for the correct word due to self-decaffeination or intentional vagueness or some weird kinda combination of the two....

THERE'S BOUND TO BE TROUBLE, for sure.

MOUSES!

So anyway....

So anyway, out came the whatchamacallits.  I wasn't sure what they were, at first, as she was holding 'em behind her back.

CLUE NUMBER TWO there was terrible trouble a-brewin'.

HOW DID I NOT KNOW?

Nip-induced half-slumber, I suppose.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, out came the whatchamacallits from behind Peepers' back and in one swift movement, she had Saffron in her arms, twisted him around so she was facin' HIS back, and before he could ask WHAT STRANGE INSANITY IS THIS? she had dosed him with perfume.

Okay, so it wasn't perfume.

It was far worse.

FLEA AND TICK ONE AND BE DONE.

MOUSES!

Well!  Well, I have to admit, I almost laughed to myself.  The look on his face...  Oh, it was a good one, for sure.  I mean, I know he's my brother and I really do love him a lot, BUT THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE....

Well...

MOUSES!

So then, when I was busy stiflin' a laugh, closin' my eyes like one does when one stifles, the next thing I knew...

The next thing I knew...

The next thing I knew, I had been treated, as well.

MOUSES!

Which is why...

Which is why PEEPERS IS PERSONA NON GRATA, for sure.

MOUSES!

hold 'er down!

Hold 'er down, Saffy.  HOLD ER' DOWN!  I've got the tube of dabby stuff right here.

Wait a sec, would you, Saffron?  Gotta get this tube thingy open.

They don't make this easy.

Oh-oh.  Says I'm supposed to wear gloves.

Hmmm...

Good grief, I look like a squid or somethin' like that.  My whole paws fit in one finger of each glove and the other fingers are just left flappin' about.

Sure do hope nobody sees me like this.  Believe-you-me, lookin' like a squid it not an attractive sight.

'Cept to other squids.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

The tubes of dabby stuff aren't meant for people, you say?  They're only meant for cats?

Hmmm...

You've got a good point there, ol' peep of mine.  As a peep, you are way bigger than a cat.  We're gonna have to use multiple tubes of this stuff.

MOUSES!

Oh quit your gripin', Peepers.  This is for your own good.  That's what you always say to us cats.

For mousin' out loud, openin' the tubes of the dabby stuff is impossible to do while wearin' these stupid squid gloves.  How do YOU open 'em, Peepers?

Never mind.  The gloves aren't squid-like on you on account of you havin' all those fingers.

MOUSES!

Keep holding 'her down, Saffron, my man.  As soon as I get this tube open...

Gosh darn it, it just flew straight across the room.

The dabby stuff, I mean; not the peep.

SAFFRON!  WHAT DID YOU DO?  You let her go?  You let Peepers get up and walk away before I dosed her for fleas?  WHAT THE MOUSES DID YOU DO THAT, FOR?

Well no, she doesn't have fleas.

I don't think.

Nah, I'm pretty sure the peep doesn't have fleas.  What she does have, however, is a bite from a tick.  And she's always sayin' we have to get dabbed to prevent ticks for bitin' us, SO I'M PRETTY SURE, if she insists on goin' outside, playin' in the garden and walkin' among the trees, she's gonna have to get dabbed as well.  

Only thing for it, Saffron.  Peepers has gotta get dabbed.

When we catch her again, that is.

On the other paw...

On the other paw, maybe we'll wait until nighttime when she has fallen fast asleep.  She'll never see us comin'.  PERFECT, I do believe.

That is if I can get these stupid gloves off my paws.  They appear to be kinda...

Well...

Stuck.

Gosh darn it, if anyone sees me like this, wearin' squid gloves with tentacles all a-danglin', I'm gonna be the laughin' stock of this here whole neighbourhood.

Saffron, I think that tonight, YOU can wear the stupid ol' squid gloves.

In order to save MY reputation, of course.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

gosh darn it

What?

WHAT?

WHAT?

Gosh darn it, she went and dabbed me.

MOUSES!

Peepers, why the mouses did you go and do that?  WHY?  WHY?  Why, I ask you.  WHY?

'Cause Saffy was doin' the zoomies, you say?

Just what do Saffy's zoomies have to do with anythin'?  Saffy zooms on a regular basis.

You really should know that by now.

MOUSES!

Oh, I get it.  You thought Saffy was doin' the zoomies on account of his havin' fleas.

Hmmm...

Well did you ever think of this, Peepers?  Did you ever think that Saffy was doin' the zoomies on account of Saffy just LIKIN' to do the zoomies?  And did you ever think that his likin' to do the zoomies has absolutely nothin' to do with fleas?

And did you even SEE a flea, Peepers?  DID you?  Bet you you didn't.  We cats have nearly perfect eyesight and neither Saffy nor I saw any fleas.  If there were fleas to be seen, we would have seen 'em first, and that is for sure.

Fact.

MOUSES!

And what's more...

ZOOM!!!

See?  Dabbed with the flea stuff or not, Saffy is STILL doin' those zoomies.  'Cause he likes zoomin', is why.  Has absolutely NOTHIN' to do with nothin' about fleas.

ZOOM!!!

On the other paw, he could be doin' the zoomies 'cause zoomin' around is the fastest way to get past you.  That's right, ol' peep of mine, he might be wantin' to get past you as fast as he can on account of his not wantin' to spend too much time anywhere near you.  You know, on account of his not speakin' to you today.

That's what I said, Peepers.  That's what I said.  I said, TODAY, Saffy Saffron Sassifras is not speakin' to YOU.

'CAUSE YOU DABBED HIM, THAT'S WHY.

And speakin' of gettin' dabbed, you dabbed me, too.  SO I'M NOT SPEAKIN' TO YOU, EITHER.

Gettin' dabbed in the middle of October.

In Canada!

Ridiculous, I say.

I really do hate when she dabs me.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

eighty-three weeks

Social distancin', Saffron.  SOCIAL DISTANCIN'!  If there's one thing I, Seville the Cat, know; it's that social distancin' saves lives.

Okay, so I, Seville the Cat, happen to know a lot of things.  I certainly know more than ONE.  Why, I know...

Well...

Well I just know lots of stuff, okay?  Lots and LOTS of stuff.  More stuff than I can possibly detail here on my blog.  Why, if I, Seville the Cat, were to detail all the stuff I know, it would take up a whole book!  And it would be a super duper long book, for sure.

Maybe even a trilogy.

MOUSES!

Stuff Seville the Cat knows: Book 1.

MOUSES!

But where was I?

Oh yeah, I was remindin' Saffron about social distancin'.  And WHY was I remindin' him 'bout social distancin', you ask?  That's a very good question, indeed.

Okay, so maybe not THAT good of a question.  I mean, we've been doin' this social distancin' stuff for like four hundred and fifty-one million, seven hundred and eighty-five thousand, six hundred cat seconds now.  We should all have it down pat.

And some of us do, actually.  Some more than others.

But I digress.

MOUSES!

Point is, durin' a pandemic, social distancin' and limitin' one's social circles can save lives.  My soon-to-be brother, Saffron, has very much taken this to heart; which explains why he's still not ready to come live inside the house, I suppose.  What with his keepin' his distance from the peeps and all, but...

But...

But he does get up close and personal to Peepers every mornin', now.  Sometimes in the afternoon, too!  Yup, and he rubs up against her legs and purrs and purrs and purrs.  It's true.  Saffron lets Peepers pet him and stuff.  He LOVES bein' petted, in fact, and said pettin' makes him purr all the more.  But when the peep tries to pick him up...

Well, Saffron is not into that.

MOUSES!

But it has come to my attention this past week that Saffron and I are gonna have to have THE TALK.

Yup, that's the one.

MOUSES!

Saffron, when it comes to social distancin', it's very, very, VERY important to apply this technique to not only stranger peeps, but also...

TICKS.

MOUSES!

That's right, Peepers found a tick on the back of Saffron's neck the other day.  AND she found another one by his ear, today!  She got 'em both off, which is pretty darn amazin' considerin' the fact that Saffron is apparently still social distancin' with the peep to some extent but hey, my Peep #1 can be pretty resourceful when need be.

But the thing is...

The thing is...

The thing is, Saffron, it's very, very, VERY IMPORTANT to social distance from ticks!

MOUSES!

And since you've failed at Social Distancin' from Ticks 101, don't be too surprised when Peepers comes at you with a dab of the stinky stuff for the back of your neck.  It doesn't hurt but yeah, it's definitely gonna stink.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

we need to talk

Peepers, we need to talk.

Now.

MOUSES!

Okay Peepers, I'm gonna say a four-letter word and I don't want you to freak out 'bout this or anythin', but...

NO, NOT THAT FOUR-LETTER WORD.  What kinda kitty do you think I am?  What kinda kitty goes around sayin' THAT word?  You honestly think I'm a kitty like that?

MOUSES!

Okay, you had best sit down, Peepers.  Yup, you had best sit down, for sure.  I am now gonna say the four-letter word.

TICK.

MOUSES!

No, you don't have a tick on you.

I don't think.

Want me to check?

MOUSES!

Nah, I'm pretty sure you're good for now, but the thing is...

The thing is...

Well we took a vote, you see, and...

Who is we?  You wanna know who was in on the votin'?

Oh.

Well...

Well that would be me, myself, and I, of course.  I, Seville the Cat, get three votes, on account of...  Well I just do 'cause I'm me.  Saffron would have had a vote, too, but she wasn't around at the time.  But there were two cute little chickadees, one squawky blue jay, a big ol' rocky raccoon, and three squirrels.

Oh, and there was this bumblebee who wanted in on the action but the rest of us took ANOTHER vote and decided bees couldn't vote on account of our not trusting 'em to vote against the interests of other bugs, if you know what I mean, so...

So...

So the vote was unanimous: ten votes for, and zero against, and...

And...

AND THE VOTE IS IN.  PEEPERS, YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND MOW THE FRONT LAWN.

MOUSES!

What has lawn mowin' got to do with ticks, you ask?

Well...

Well ticks like long grass, you see, and the longer the grass, the more those dastardly ticks are gonna like our front lawn, and...

AND I DON'T WANNA BE HAVIN' TICKS DININ' ON ME.

MOUSES!

Actually, to be totally honest, I'm not too concerned 'bout myself on account of my gettin' my monthly dab on the back of my neck.  That takes care of those ticks not gettin' on me, but...

But YOU'LL be like an all you can eat buffet if they end up on you.

Of course, what we COULD do...

Peepers, you want me to dab some of that stuff from Dr T on the back of YOUR neck to keep the ticks at bay?  Works like a charm, it does.  Doesn't hurt one bit.  Now, you're a bit bigger than me, so I'll likely have to use a couple vials - at least - but I'm willin' to share my flea and tick begone meds with you, and...

WELL IF YOU WON'T LET ME DAB THE BACK OF YOUR NECK, GO OUT THERE AND MOW THAT FRONT LAWN!!!

Neighbours didn't get a vote but I'm pretty sure if they had, they'd have voted in favour of your reacquaintin' yourself with that ol' lawn mower, too.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

the blood-suckin' pest

Stupid blood-suckin' rrr-rrarr-ruh, bluh-bluh, Bwoibbrrrubbbubbba RRRAWWWRRRR.

I'm tellin' ya, those blood suckin' zombies are already out.

I mean, vampires.

I mean ticks.

MOUSES!

BREAKING NEWS...  Blood-suckin' ticks have been spotted in Nova Scotia.

BREAKING NEWS...  A blood-suckin' tick was spotted on Seville the Cat in Nova Scotia.

BREAKING NEWS...  A blood-suckin' tick was spotted on, and removed from, Seville the Cat in the Province of Nova Scotia.

MOUSES!

And...

And because Peepers is as stupid as the stupid tick she removed, she ended up REMOVING half of my fur, too.

MOUSES!

Okay, so it was just two or three strands of fur she accidentally pulled while gettin' rid of that tick, but still...

I FELT. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

Ticks.  There oughtta be a law against 'em or somethin'.

MOUSES!

And just who invited 'em to party hardy in my yard, anyway?  I know FOR A FACT I never invited 'em to party on me.

I guess I should be thankful Peepers got to that ol' tick before he got a good hold on me.  I GUESS I should be thankful she was givin' me a back of the neck and behind the ear scritch and noticed he was there, but...

But now, BECAUSE OF THAT TICK, Peepers is gonna insist on dabbin' the back of my neck with the flea stuff first thing in the mornin'.

MOUSES!

And I still say that ol' tick was an unwelcome guest.

Kinda like a wedding crasher, you know?

Yeah, YOU know.

MOUSES!

Oh my mouses, I just had a horrible thought.

What if...

What if that ol' tick wasn't actually crashin' a weddin', but rather, was an invited guest?  A guest at a weddin'.  At a weddin' for ticks!  And what if the ticks gettin' married decide to settle down in my fur and have babies and the next thing I know I have a family of ticks livin' off me, suckin' my blood like college students drinkin' beer on spring break, and...

PEEEEE-PERRRRSSSSS!!!!

Peepers, time to get out the flea and tick stuff.  I need you to dab the back of my neck!

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!