a helpin' paw

Of all the ungrateful, unappreciative...

MOUSES!

Hey there kitties.  Do you have problems with your peeps not appreciating you?  Not appreciating when you help 'em and stuff?  You know, when you lend 'em a helpin' paw?

Are your peeps constantly underestimating the value of your assistance?

Do your peeps recognize when you're bein' helpful and say, thank you very much, kind Sir, or...

...Or do they behave like mine.  MOUSES!

My peeps are the most ungrateful, unappreciative peeps there ever were.  I swear!  Yup, if there were ever a contest for ungratefulness and all-round lack of appreciation, my peeps would win said contest, PAWS DOWN.  Well hands down, I suppose, as they have hands instead of paws, but you get the idea, I am sure.  MOUSES!

Why just the other day, I was bein' ever-so-helpful, and started work on those pansies growin' along the side of the driveway.  With the heat and everythin' of the last few weeks, they've been lookin' pretty shabby.  Actually, shabby is a bit of an understatement.  Half-dead is more like it.  For some stupid reason, Peep #1 forgot that when it's super hot out, and doesn't rain much, you've gotta water the pansies.

NO, I did not quench their thirst by peein' on 'em.

I started digging 'em up.  MOUSES!

Anyway, you should have heard the words the peep used.  Mouses this and mouses that.  I could barely get a word in edgewise!  Like I said, I have super ungrateful and unappreciative peeps.

And it's not like she doesn't have more pansy babies waitin' to take their place.  I mean, she has a whole tray of 'em!  But she can't plant 'em out until the old, half-dead ones are removed, so you see my friends, by diggin' up those plants, I was HELPIN' the peep out, for sure.

In fact, if you think about it, I did all the hard work.  Plantin' is easy.  Diggin' 'em up?  In this heat? Not so much.

I'll write up a bill for her in the morning.  MOUSES!

Now I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', Poor Seville.  Imagine havin' to live with a peep like that Peep #1.  Imagine having to put up with such ungratefulness and stuff.  Yes, I know you're all thinkin' that and I want you to know, I appreciate it very much.

But you know somethin'?

IT GETS EVEN WORSE!

Just the other morning, around dawn...

Well I think it was around dawn.  I'm sure I heard a birdie or two singing, although the sun could barely be seen.

Anyway, the other morning around dawn, I realized that at that time of day, it was still nice and cool outside and I thought to myself, what a great time of day this would be to take a little stroll around the yard.

Problem was, Peep #1's alarm clock had not get gone off.  I think it was broken or somethin'. MOUSES!

So I, Seville the Cat, being the ever-so-helpful cat that I am, gave Peep #1 a gentle little nudge on her face, with my paw.

Now it's NOT MY fault, my gentle little nudge didn't wake her up 'cause she had been up late the night before.  Not my fault at all.

So I gave her a whack.  Well that did it, for sure.

Did I mention it was already dawn?  Well almost.  Well I think almost dawn.

Did I mention I think I heard a birdie singing?

NO, not an owl hooting.  A birdie.  The kind that sing in the wee hours of the mornin'.  MOUSES!

I should also mention somethin' else.  About this singing...  About this singing I thought I heard a birdie doing.  That singing was NOT what the peep sounded like at all.  I believe, if I am not mistaken, I heard the word mouses.  MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, Peep #1 didn't get up.  Instead, she rolled over and told me to go back to bed.  Back to bed?  Why would I go back to bed when it was already time to get up?

A kitty helpin' out a peep by actin' like her alarm clock, 'cause hers is OBVIOUSLY broken, deserves a thank you at the very least and certainly does NOT deserve a Go back to bed Sivvers because I'm not letting you out until morning.

Did I mention 'bout that birdie I thought I heard singing?  Clearly it was gettin' ready to be dawn.

I should write up a bill for acting as her alarm clock, too.  Maybe if she sees it in writing, she'll learn to be a little more appreciative.  MOUSES!

But wait.  THERE'S MORE.

The other day, I accidentally knocked some stuff off the nightstand.  Well that's what the peep said. Really...

Really, I was dusting.

Like seriously, does the woman not know which end of the duster to use?  I mean...  REALLY?

Look, truth is, the nightstand looked a little dusty and I said to myself, Seville, be a nice kitty and dust off the top of that nightstand.  Peep #1 will say thank you, for sure.  So I got right to work and BY ACCIDENT, the alarm clock...

MOUSES!  I bet that's why that ol' alarm clock didn't go off the other morning.  I was right.  It IS broken, for sure.

Anyway, I got right to work dusting, and the next thing I knew...

The next thing I knew, I heard the peep sayin' somethin' about mouses again.  I mean, mice.  No, I mean mouses, for sure.  MOUSES!

But my point is this.  Peep #1 was ungrateful and unappreciative, and that, my friends, is puttin' it mildly.

Anyone know how much peeps charge for dusting 'cause I'm thinkin' I should write up a bill for my dusting work, too. MOUSES!

how rude

Hey!  What do you think you're doing? MOUSES!

Lookie here, little birdie, this ain't no tug-of-war, it's...

Do you see what you just made me do?  I used the word ain't.  Ain't ain't even a word!  I mean, it isn't.  MOUSES!

Now come on, Mr. Birdie...  Or are you a missus?  Doesn't matter, really.  All I know is that you're rude.  Rude as the rudest of birds can be.  MOUSES!

Yeah, you.  Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU.  I'm talking to you, the tug-of-war playing rude birdie who's ripping apart the peep's flowers and making me use bad grammar.

Don't bother looking over your shoulder, little birdie.  There's no one back there. Don't think you're gonna palm the blame off on someone else.  You don't even have palms.  You're a bird!  MOUSES!

                                             ********************************

This was what happened at my house, the other morning.  As you can imagine, I was saying a whole lot of MOUSES! on account of the mousin' rudeness of that moused-up bird.  MOUSES!

Now you're probably wondering how a little birdie got me so worked up as normally, this here garden of mine is a bird-friendly zone, for sure.  Well wonder no more 'cause I'm gonna spill the beans right here and right now.

Please note that my spilling of beans does not involve any actual beans.  I'm gonna tell you right here and right now that there are no beans planted in my garden.  Do you know what happens when you plant beans?  I'll tell you what happens.  You get beanstalks growing, for sure.  And do you know what happens when those beanstalks that are growing happen to be growing from magical beans?

YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!

Believe me, I know.  MOUSES!

But back to the beans...

No, I mean, the bird.  The rude bird.  The rudest bird ever, and for sure.  MOUSES!

What's that, Andy?  Was the bird being rude on account of his having eaten some beans?  I don't think so, Brother Anderson, also known as Sir Fartsalot.  That's your department.  Remember? MOUSES!


Anyway, there was this bird.  I don't know what kind of bird he was except for the fact that he was black like a crow but too small to actually be a crow so I'm thinking he was one of those birdies called Blackbirds or something. You know the ones, I am sure.

So there was this bird who was smaller than a crow but bigger than a little Chickadee or Goldfinch.  A medium-sized bird with gargantuan-sized rudeness packed right in.

And he was rude.  Rude as rude can be.  Do you know what he did?

I'll tell you what he did.  He tore up Peep's rock cress, for sure.

That's right, I was looking out the front door and I saw this medium-sized birdie, we think might be a Blackbird, grab hold of the rock cress and start pulling and pulling and pulling like there was no tomorrow.  He was pulling that ol' rock cress like it was a worm in the ground, holding onto said ground for dear life, except for the fact that it wasn't a worm but rather, a sprig of the peep's rock cress she had planted in the front garden.

I WAS GONNA POSSIBLY POSE NEXT TO THAT ROCK CRESS FOR PICTURE TAKING AND EVERYTHING.  MOUSES!

Well at least I was thinking about posing.  Posing like Rushton did, earlier.  I was giving it some consideration, for sure.  Maybe.  Kinda.  Possibly.  That sort of thing.  MOUSES!

Anyway, so the rude bird pulled and pulled and pulled until the rock cress could hold on no longer and gave up on the ol' game of tug-of-war, and let go.

Just to clarify, it was the rock cress who let go and not the birdie.  No, the birdie held on, causing him to stagger back and when he did, he had a sprig of flowering rock cress in his beak.  Then he began to strut about, showing off his prize, like he was cock of the walk and then...

Okay, there was no actual strutting involved.

But after the tug-of-war game ended and I stopped yelling, the birdie took one look at me and flew off with that rock cress still in his beak.  Yup, flew off to parts unknown wherever those parts may be.  MOUSES!


I, of course, was disgusted.

But I got over my disgust and immediately went and told the peep on that birdie, so as to make sure she didn't blame me for the missing rock cress, thinking I had ripped it apart so as not to have to have my picture taken with it.  MOUSES!

Later that day, I discovered two pansy flowers lying on the driveway, nowhere near where any pansy plants grow. Lying there, wilting away.  Methinks that birdie had something to do with the demise of the pansies, too.  MOUSES!

it's a secret

What's that incessant beeping noise?  Peepers, you know what that is? That beeping beep-beep-beep noise.  It's driving me nuts.  MOUSES!

What, you don't have an answer, Peepers?  It's some kind of secret, huh? Well if the beeping outside doesn't stop soon, I'm going to have to send you out there to investigate.  I'd check it out, myself, but I think it's coming from down the road and as you know I, Seville the Cat, am not allowed out on the road.  Remember?  MOUSES!

If peeps wanna keep secrets, they should keep them quietly.

But speaking of secrets...  You know, my Peep #1 loves a good secret.  She really does.  Honestly and truly, for sure.  Peep #1 simply LOVES a secret.

I think it's because she grew up on Nancy Drew books and stuff.  Way back when, in the golden olden days, when she was a mere kitten herself, she read all those Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books.  Then sometime during the Jurassic Age, when she was a little older, she decided that when she 'grew up,' she wanted to be Jessica Fletcher.  Little did my peep know that when she grew up, she'd just be the peep.  MOUSES!

I've heard that one time, way back when, during the times of dinosaurs and whatnot, Peep #1 went to Toronto for a week.  She was like ten or something.  Anyway, when in Toronto at that time, she went to this house or castle or whatever it was, where there was supposed to be a secret passage. The peep was so excited.  She was going to get to find a real secret passage just like the ones Nancy Drew used to find.

Long story short, her secret passage hunting adventure turned out to be the disappointment of the decade for the peep.  Let me just say this...  It's not a secret passage if you open the door to the passage and put up a big sign with an arrow saying, "SECRET PASSAGE" next to it.  You do that and it's just a passage.  MOUSES!

That's the thing about secrets.  You've got to keep 'em secret.  You've go to be quiet and stealthy and stuff or they won't stay secrets at all.

Case in point, the incessant beeping noise is not going to remain secret much longer because as it's loud enough to annoy me, I'm going to have to send out a reconnaissance team to find out what it's all about.  And when I say reconnaissance team, I actually mean the peep.  Hope she's up for the task.  Maybe there will be a big sign with an arrow plastered to whatever is making that noise to guide her on her way.  That should help her out, for sure.  MOUSES!

But do you know what?  We have a real live secret right here at my house!

Long, long ago, during ancient times and before I was born, the peeps moved into this here house. In the front yard next to the driveway, grew a hedge.  Not a great hedge.  Just a hedge.  Peep says she thinks it was free or something.

Anyway, every year Peep #1 has to trim that hedge and truth be told, she's not very good at trimming hedges.  Not once in recorded history has the top of the hedge ever been parallel to the ground.  It always kind of slopes after the peep goes at it with the trimmer.  Not that she doesn't try to trim it evenly.  Not that she doesn't try really hard.  Her trying is just not good enough, you see.

What's more, not only does the hedge always slope but it's never really straight, either.  And there are always a few odd pieces sticking out, here and there.  Pieces she couldn't reach or something, I think.  The hedge is a little on the tall side and even with the step stool, the peep has problems.

One year however, she was totally ruthless.  So ruthless, in fact, that said hedge has never quite recovered.  One more issue with the appearance of the hedge.  MOUSES!

But in her ruthlessness, Peep #1 made a discovery.  She discovered...  Wait for it...  Drum roll, please.

She discovered a secret stone wall!

Okay, it's not really a wall.  It's only a foot or so high and actually, it's only a foot high at one end. At the other end, it's much lower.  Almost fades into nothingness, I do believe.  Apparently, the stone wall slopes just like the hedge.  MOUSES!

But it is made out of stones.  Stones, rocks, whatever.  And the best part of the wall is that it's a secret!  It's true. The peeps never knew it was there.  It was completely hidden by that big old overgrown hedge.  Could you believe it? Peep #1 said discovering the wall was like finding the secret passage she never got to find.  You know, the passage that wasn't a secret as there was a sign pointing to it and explaining what it was.  Of course, the sign was all wrong.  The sign should have read, "PASSAGE," and not "SECRET PASSAGE" because the posting of the sign ruined the whole secret part, for sure.  MOUSES!

Anyway, as my peeps did not post any "secret stone wall" signs with arrows and as the stones did not squeal like stone wheels skidding out of Bedrock, Peep #1's little discovery remained a secret. No one else knew it was even there.

But earlier this year, Peep #1 took the plunge.  No, she didn't post a "secret stone wall" sign.  What she did instead, was shocking.

The peep started hacking away at that old hedge.  Little by little, she has been removing the hedge. It's pretty slow going; partly because she can only get rid of one green bin's worth of hedge bits every two weeks but mostly because she doesn't really know what she's doing.

But I have to say, I was looking at the hedge just yesterday and I do believe Peep #1 has managed to get rid of about a third of it.  The roots are still there, though, and I don't know what she intends to do about them.  Don't think she knows, either.  Paws crossed she can figure something out because to be perfectly honest, hedge roots with no hedge look pretty darned silly, for sure. MOUSES!

As the peep started at the end where the hedge and stones were at their lowest, the secret wall has not yet been exposed but once it is, the secret will be out for all the world to see.  Well, anyone walking down the street, at least.  Peep says she's going to plant some pansies along that stone wall.  Blue pansies with a hint of lavender.  She says they'll look lovely up against the bluish-grey stones.  I, on the other paw, am not so sure.

Let me explain.  Being a cat, I'm much shorter than the peep.  Not that I'm short or anything.  In cat terms, I'm really quite tall.  Taller for a cat than the peep is for a peep!  No one ever accused my peep of being tall.

Anyway, let's just say I have a different vantage point of the stone wall than does the peep and from my vantage point, I have to say, I kind of think that said stone wall is sort of holding up the front yard.  It's true.  The front yard is higher than the driveway by about a foot, at one end. Coincidentally, that is the very same height as the secret stone wall.  MOUSES!

My concern is that the overgrown hedge may, in fact, be holding up the stone wall that appears to be holding up the front yard.  If the peep isn't careful, we could have rolling stones all over the place.  Not to mention a rolling front yard, too.

But the peep is bound and determined she's going to get rid of that hedge and that next year when the pansies are blooming, they're going to look all pretty and stuff.  Pretty as a picture, she says. Personally, I'm still picturing the collapse of the front yard but to each his own, right?  Nah, that can't be right.  If one of us is going to be correct, it's bound to be me.  Hope Ol' Peepers likes the picture of stones from the stone wall rolling all over the place.  MOUSES!

The peep is willing to admit that once the hedge is all gone, the secret of the secret stone wall will be secret no more.  She's got that right.  The only secret neighbourhood peeps will be talking about then is how the peep manages to get herself dressed in the mornings which may, in fact, be one of the better kept secrets of the twenty-first century.  Truth is, I help her pick her clothes out. The ones I don't shed all over are the ones she has to wear.

Oh-oh, I've just let the cat out of the bag and the dressing secret is now a secret no more.   Awww...  MOUSES!

But peeps will be talking.  They'll be talking, for sure, because let me tell you, if the peep's removal of the aforementioned hedge causes the front yard to collapse, watching her try to uncollapse it is going to be the talk of the town. Town, street, whatever.

Back to the original secret.  The incessant beeping noise from down the street has stopped. Interesting.  I guess that that is one secret that will remain secret after all.  MOUSES!