we're in need

HEY PEEPERS!  I'm in need of some help over here.

Yeah, yeah...   I know I'm not supposed to be orderin' a lot of unnecessary stuff on-line.  But the thing is...

THIS STUFF IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

For sure.

MOUSES!

'Cause Peepers, Saffy and I are in desperate - DESPERATE, I tell you - need of some boxes.

MOUSES!

Why?  You're askin' me WHY my brother and I are in need of boxes?

My gosh, she's actually dumber than I thought.

MOUSES!

Because, Peepers, cats need boxes.  We need boxes to play in; to sleep in; to hang around thinkin' about solvin' all the world's problems in; to uh...  Well you know, those sorta things.  Big important, world changin' things.

Bottom line is, WE'RE IN NEED OF SOME BOXES.

MOUSES!

'Cause Peepers, Saffy's box is dirty and mine is...  Well...  Old.  Mine needs replacin' right away.

I DON'T CARE what it is I'm orderin' on-line that comes in the boxes, as long as whatever it is ACTUALLY COMES INSIDE A BOX.

A BIG BOX.

A BOX OF ADEQUATE SIZE.

And speakin' of size...

And speakin' of size, I'm not sure if you've noticed this or not but Saffy is gettin' a little chunky in his old age.  He's gonna need a box that's a bit bigger than the one he's already got.

MOUSES!

I know, right?  RIGHT?  Cat eats like a bird and yet there he is, lookin' kinda...  Well...  Well the word rectangular kinda comes to mind.

You know, like a bread box.

BREAD BOX!  By gosh and by golly, I bet a bread box would come inside a nice big cardboard box.  A good sized cardboard box, to be sure.  You in need of a couple bread boxes, ol' peep of mine?

Don't bother answerin'.  Doesn't really matter if you need bread boxes or not.  Like I said earlier, I'm shoppin' for boxes.  Doesn't matter what's comin' inside.  

Peepers, how come you're lookin' that weird shade of green?  Puce?  Is that what's it's called?  Nah, that's not puce.

It's more like barf green.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, now that I've figured out what to order, I'll need your plastic thing-a-ma-gig to place said order.  For some strange reason, it's not in the drawer where you usually keep it.  I don't know why.  Think it must have been accidentally misplaced.

Or somethin' like that.

MOUSES!

**********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

on-line perveyors

Oh my mouses, that's funny.

What am I sayin'?  That's not funny.  It's ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, for sure.

MOUSES!

So anyway...

So anyway, I was browsin' over on Amazon this mornin' - usin' the peep's account, of course - lookin' for purveyors of cat toys, cat beds, vine, and the like, when...

When all of a sudden, Amazon came up with a bunch of suggested items for me to buy.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' they were tryin' to sell me some nip; AND you're askin' yourself, why would they be tryin' to sell a gentlecat nip farmer such as Seville, catnip?  I mean, I, Seville the Cat, am perfectly capable of growin' my own stuff, right?  Right.

WRONG.

No, I can grow my own catnip now.  I figured out the problem I was havin' in the early years.  My problem in the early years was Peepers.  But now that I don't allow Peepers anywhere near my crops unless I specifically tell her to do somethin' like water 'em in a drought, my nip plants are doin' just fine.  Apparently Peepers has a black thumb when it comes to the growin' of the nip and can only be allowed near my plants under super strict supervision.

MOUSES!

So what was wrong with what you were thinkin', you ask?

Well...

Well you see, Amazon wasn't tryin' to sell me catnip.  In fact, they weren't tryin' to sell me anythin' cat-related, at all.  Not catnip, cat toys, cat beds, or even the vine.  They were tryin' to sell me...

They were tryin' to sell me...

Are you sittin' down?

THEY WERE TRYIN' TO SELL ME...

Oh my mouses, this is funny.

They were tryin' to sell me hair restoration products and wrinkle-reducin' creams.

MOUSES!

Obviously, they thought I was the peep.  I mean, what cat needs a hair restoration product or a cream to get rid of wrinkles, or...

Okay, so there are those hairless cats out there who do, in fact, look pretty wrinkly, but any wrinkles I may or may not have are well hidden by my full body of marmalade furs.

MOUSES!

But here's the thing.

The really, really, REALLY FUNNY part, I mean.

CLEARLY, AMAZON THINKS PEEPERS IS BALD AS BALD CAN BE AND ALL WRINKLED ALL UP LIKE A SUN-DRIED TOMATO.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', their thinkin' that might have somethin' to do with that picture of a dried up apricot I posted, claimin' it was a picture of the peep.

The one she took down within seconds of my postin' it.

I had no idea the woman could move so fast.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, it appears to be on record that the powers-that-be at  Amazon think Peepers looks like a dried apricot and THAT, my friends, is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, for sure.

And now I must go order Peepers up a whole crate of the stuff they were tryin' to sell 'cause even if she doesn't exactly look like a dried up ol' apricot, she could still do with a few improvements, for sure.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

it's here!

Oh my mouses!  OH MY MOUSES!   It's here.  It's here!  IT'S FINALLY HERE!

I'm in the nippers...  I'm in the nippers...  I'm in the nippers, YOO-HOO... Jazz paws!

This is so excitin'. Oohhh..  My tail is all a-quiver.  My order from Weasel Mart Canada dot com has arrived.

I'M SO EXCITED!  And I just can't hide it. MOUSES!

But uh...

Hmm...

Well that's not right.

Let me look at that invoice, again.

Okey doke.  Three bags of Tumbled Weed Nip.  Got 'em.  Three bags of Lacy Queen Anne's Nip. Got them, too.  But...  But...  But...  But after takin' those bags into account, THERE'S ONLY ONE BAG LEFT.  AND THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TWO.

MOUSES!

Let me go through them again.  There are three of this one, and three of this other one, but there's only one bag left.  Only one bag of the Mossy Wood Nip.  Only one bag, where there should be two.

MOUSES!

I'll check the invoice once more.

Hmm...  I was charged for two.  But I only got one.

Those weasels...

MOUSES!

Well there's nothin' for it but for me to call customer service.  1-800-328...

Hello.  Seville the Cat, here.  I have a problem with my recent on-line order.  Let me explain.

Yeah, I KNOW the invoice says eight bags of nip were sent and yes, eight bags were supposed to be sent, but believe me, I've looked through the package several times, and you only sent seven.

Yes, I KNOW the invoice says eight bags of nip were sent and yes, I was charged for eight bags, but believe me, I've looked through the package several times, and you only sent seven.

Yes I  know how to count.  A better question would be, do YOU?  MOUSES!

For mousin' out loud.  These weasels...

Excuse me, but may I speak with a supervisor, please?

Oh for the love of mouses, it's been like twenty minutes, and I'm still on hold, and...

Thank goodness.  I was about to give up!  Seville the cat, here.  I have a problem with my recent on-line order.  Let me explain.

YES, LIKE I TOLD THE OTHER WEASEL, I KNOW HOW TO COUNT.  And just like I asked the weasel before you, do you?  MOUSES!

No!  NO!  Darned moused-up weasel put me on hold again.

You're back!  Good.  Okay, now this is what I need.  I NEED for my order to be filled like it was supposed to be filled.  I need two bags of the Mossy Wood Nip, and I need it like yesterday.

Why?  Why do I need the nip, or why do I need it like yesterday?  Oh, never mind.  Weasels who can't get a simple nip order right, 'cause they obviously can't count to eight, aren't gonna understand why...

Well you don't have to be rude.  MOUSES!

No, I don't want you to credit my account for the missing bag of Mossy Wood Nip.  What I want is for you to send me another bag, and I'd like it to be from the same harvest as the first, please.  After all, that IS what I ordered, right?  That IS what I paid for?  So I don't see why...

What?  You understand, you say?

Well thank goodness for that.  So if you understand my problem, it should be quite simple for you to resolve it.

What?  What?  Again, you're sayin' you understand?

So...  Let me get this straight.  Do you understand my problem should be simple to resolve, or do you understand my problem, or...

What?  What?  WHAT?  QUIT SAYIN' YOU UNDERSTAND!  Clearly, you don't understand at all, 'cause...

'CAUSE IF YOU UNDERSTOOD, YOU'D BE RESOLVIN' MY PROBLEM, FOR SURE.  MOUSES!

Note to self: If I ever start up a retail business, I must never hire weasels for customer service.  They're way too weaselly by nature.

Okay.  Yeah.  I got it.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you understand.  Is that somethin' they teach you to say at Weasel Mart Canada customer service school?

For the love of mouses.  This here weasel keeps sayin' he understands without even knowin' what it is he's understandin'.

MOUSES!

Hey, Mr. Weasel!  Your mama wears ferret boots and looks like a marmot.

Yeah, yeah.  I know.  You understand.

What to do, what to do...

Okay, so CLEARLY, I'm not gettin' my second bag of Mossy Wood Nip.  The bag I ordered.  The bag I paid for with the peep's plastic card thingy unbeknownst to the peep.  The bag I...

What's that?

Yeah, yeah, you still understand.  I've got it.  Guess what.  I understand, too.

And what I understand is, I'm CLEARLY not gettin' my order filled as I ordered it. CLEARLY, that kinda thing isn't what Weasel Mart Canada dot com does.  So I guess...

I guess...

I guess...

What?  What?

Darned weasel put me only hold.

AGAIN.

MOUSES!