the missing heart

Has anyone seen my nip heart?

Humph, no answer.

Has anyone seen my nip heart?

STILL no answer.

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY NIP HEART?

Hey Peepers, have you seen my nip heart?  I'm lookin' for the red one.  With Valentine's Day comin' up, I wanna make sure I have my red, white, and pink nip hearts all in a row, so to speak, and ready for me to do some major nippin'.  So do you happen to know where it is?

Well if I knew where I left it, I wouldn't be LOOKIN' for it, now would I.

Of all the stupid, moused-up questions.

MOUSES!

Peepers, can you check your jacket pockets to see if it's in one of them?  I tried checkin' myself, but I can't reach your black winter jacket in the front hall closet.  It's up too high.

And uh...  Never mind 'bout those two winter coats lyin' on the closet floor, okay?  Just ignore 'em.  Pretend they're not even there.

Pretend they're not lyin' on the floor, I mean.

MOUSES!

'Cause I was tryin' to check inside your jacket pockets, that's why.

Do I have to explain EVERYTHIN' to you?

MOUSES!

It's like this, Peepers:  When I realized your jacket was up too high for me to reach, I tried climbin' up one of the longer coats hangin' next to it.  'Cause the coats are just a paw's reach from the floor.  I can grab hold of them.  So anyway, there I was, halfway up the taupe coloured one, when all of a sudden, OUT OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE, the stupid ol' coat decided to slip right off its hanger and fall to the floor.

Well I'm gettin' to that.

So after I brought down the first coat...  I MEAN, after the first coat slid off its hanger and fell to the floor, ALL OF ITS OWN ACCORD, I figured it must have been because it had been hangin' on some kinda messed up, faulty hanger, or some such thing.  So of course, I did what any cat would do.  I climbed up another coat.  Turns out, the front hall closet is RIDDLED with messed-up, faulty hangers.  You should probably do somethin' about that.

But anyway, 'nough 'bout this faulty hanger business.  That's not important.  It's not nearly as important as my findin' my red nip heart, so could you go check your jacket pockets please?  I'm pretty sure that's where my red nip heart is.

It must be there Peepers, BECAUSE I HAVE LOOKED EVERYWHERE ELSE.

Yes I have.

Yes I have.

YES, I HAVE.

As a matter of fact, I did.  I did look in the coffee table drawer.

And before you ask, that coffee table drawer has a couple faulty hinges, for sure.  MOUSES!

PEEPERS, COULD YOU PLEASE GO LOOK IN YOUR JACKET POCKETS NOW?  I'm desperate over here.

I told you Peepers, I've looked everywhere.  I looked under the chesterfield, and under the chairs, and...  Well you already know 'bout the coffee table drawer.  Plus, I looked under the kitchen table, and the china cabinet in the dinin' room, and the beds upstairs, and..

That reminds me...  Wait a minute.  Be right back.

I'm back.  For a moment there, I thought my red nip heart might be in the linen closet upstairs, 'cause I was in there yesterday afternoon, knockin' towels off the shel...  I MEAN, I was in there yesterday gettin' comfy on the top shelf when some towels accidentally, ALL OF THEIR  OWN ACCORD, slid off the shelves and onto the floor.  I think the shelvin' must be sloped or somethin'.  I'm thinkin' it's faulty shelvin', for sure.  MOUSES!.

But anyway...

Anyway, it turns out my nip heart wasn't up on that top shelf after all.

Truth be told, there's nothin' at all up on that top shelf now.  MOUSES!

'CAUSE I HAD TO LOOK IN ALL THE CORNERS, AND UNDERNEATH EVERYTHIN', FOR MY RED NIP HEART, THAT'S WHY.

Does the peep not understand anythin' at all?

Just go look in your jacket pockets for my nip heart, okay Peepers?

Thank you.

MOUSES!

It's not there?  Really?  And you checked both pockets?  ARE YOU SURE?

For mousin' out loud.  I was positive it would be in one of 'em.  I've looked everywhere else.  Like quite literally, EVERYWHERE.  I even looked...

Oh hi Mason.  YOU wouldn't happen to know where my red nip heart would be, would you?

You don't say.

Hmmm...

Never mind 'bout the red nip heart, Peepers.  Mason says it's lyin' on the floor in the hallway.  Guess I left it there after playin' with it this mornin'.

MOUSES!

who did it?

"No Peepers, NO!  Don't do it.  Please... PLEASE...  NOOOO!!!"

I stood by the livin' room door, watchin' the peep.  My eyes burned with salty tears. With one paw, I wiped them dry.  Bowin' my head, I said a silent prayer.  The least I could do was give it a proper sendoff.

No, the least I could do was find the guilty culprit.  MOUSES!

I looked around the room, peerin' at each of my fur-sibs.  One by one, I stared intently into their eyes.  Not eliciting a response, I stared at them all again.  Narrowin' my eyes and settin' my jaw, I demanded, "Okay then, who did it?"  I crossed my paws over my chest.  "Who did the dirty deed?"

My question was met with silence.

Andy looked at me blankly.  His usual look, I'm afraid.  Rushton gushed all innocence, but I knew better than to be fooled by those looks of his.  Nevertheless, he wasn't volunteering any information.  Mason rolled her eyes, indicating she was sure no one would confess, least of all Rushy.  Under her breath, Tess growled.  Typical.  Tess has been known to growl at the wind. Seriously, my friends, she has.  And prompted by Tess' growling, Tobias began to wash behind an ear.  Suspicious behaviour had it been any other cat, but the likelihood of Toby being guilty in this particular case, was almost nil.  Almost, but not enough for me to eliminate her from my list of suspects.

And speakin' of suspects, I had five.  Unfortunately, not one of 'em was willin' to confess. MOUSES!

"Do I have to ask again?" I said in a louder voice.  "Who did it?  WHO PEED ON THAT NIP HEART?  MOUSES!"

At that very moment, Dionysus - the timeshare cat - entered the livin' room.  Lookin' about, he wandered toward the pile of nip hearts lying in the corner by the big green chair.

I gazed off into the distance, allowing my mind to wander.  I raised one eyebrow.  "A sixth suspect," I muttered to myself.  "Hmmm...."

Dionysus - the timeshare cat - was now stretched out, lyin' among the nip hearts.

Tess growled again, but no one paid any attention.

Standin' on all fours, I walked over to Dionysus.  I looked down at him, his eyes glazed over from bein' high on the nip.  "Did you do it?" I questioned.  "Are you the guilty culprit?  Did YOU pee on that nip heart?  DID YOU?"

I heard Mason harrumph from behind.  "He's not going to admit anything Seville.  Just look at him lying there, drunk on the nip."

"Lookie here Dionysus, you timeshare cat, you," I said, proddin' him with a paw.  "You may live here part time and yes, I admit, some of those nip hearts are yours, but that doesn't mean you can waltz into this here livin' room, and go around peein' on..."

Before I could even finish tellin' Dionysus off, he rolled over and fell asleep.  MOUSES!

"We're just lucky it was Peep #1 who found the peed-upon nip heart, and not one of us cats," Mason began.  "I can't imagine anything worse than lying down next to your favourite nip toy and placing your cheek up against it, only to find it sodden with pee. Yuk!"

"Especially when it was someone else who, you know... peed." I added.

Dionysus was still sleepin', and Tess was still growlin', when Peep #1 returned, a foul look upon her face.  Standin' there, she looked down at us cats, scowlin'.

"Did you bury the nip heart?" I asked, a tremor in my voice.

"It's in the garbage," the peep answered, "where it will stay.  And if I find any more peed-upon nip hearts, they'll be tossed out, too."

Then, one by one, we cats were removed from the livin' room.  After the last cat was unceremoniously dumped in the front hallway - for the third time - Peep #1 closed both doors behind us.

I stared longingly into the livin' room through the glass doors.  "No Peepers, NO!  Please... PLEASE...  NOOOO!!!"

But the peep, bein' a peep, laughed a truly heartless, cruel, and evil laugh.

Seriously, my friends.  Cruella Deville would look like an umbrella-toting nanny, singing songs of her favourite raindrops and roses, in comparison.

Okay, so she didn't exactly laugh.  It was more of a cry of frustration, really.  A cry of frustration on account of her noticin' that Dionysus - the timeshare cat - was still sleepin' soundly among the remainin' nip hearts, and the knowledge that when she opened up those glass doors to go get him, one of us other cats was probably gonna dart past her feet and back into the livin' room, AGAIN.  MOUSES!