"No Peepers, NO! Don't do it. Please... PLEASE... NOOOO!!!"
I stood by the livin' room door, watchin' the peep. My eyes burned with salty tears. With one paw, I wiped them dry. Bowin' my head, I said a silent prayer. The least I could do was give it a proper sendoff.
No, the least I could do was find the guilty culprit. MOUSES!
I looked around the room, peerin' at each of my fur-sibs. One by one, I stared intently into their eyes. Not eliciting a response, I stared at them all again. Narrowin' my eyes and settin' my jaw, I demanded, "Okay then, who did it?" I crossed my paws over my chest. "Who did the dirty deed?"
My question was met with silence.
Andy looked at me blankly. His usual look, I'm afraid. Rushton gushed all innocence, but I knew better than to be fooled by those looks of his. Nevertheless, he wasn't volunteering any information. Mason rolled her eyes, indicating she was sure no one would confess, least of all Rushy. Under her breath, Tess growled. Typical. Tess has been known to growl at the wind. Seriously, my friends, she has. And prompted by Tess' growling, Tobias began to wash behind an ear. Suspicious behaviour had it been any other cat, but the likelihood of Toby being guilty in this particular case, was almost nil. Almost, but not enough for me to eliminate her from my list of suspects.
And speakin' of suspects, I had five. Unfortunately, not one of 'em was willin' to confess. MOUSES!
"Do I have to ask again?" I said in a louder voice. "Who did it? WHO PEED ON THAT NIP HEART? MOUSES!"
At that very moment, Dionysus - the timeshare cat - entered the livin' room. Lookin' about, he wandered toward the pile of nip hearts lying in the corner by the big green chair.
I gazed off into the distance, allowing my mind to wander. I raised one eyebrow. "A sixth suspect," I muttered to myself. "Hmmm...."
Dionysus - the timeshare cat - was now stretched out, lyin' among the nip hearts.
Tess growled again, but no one paid any attention.
Standin' on all fours, I walked over to Dionysus. I looked down at him, his eyes glazed over from bein' high on the nip. "Did you do it?" I questioned. "Are you the guilty culprit? Did YOU pee on that nip heart? DID YOU?"
I heard Mason harrumph from behind. "He's not going to admit anything Seville. Just look at him lying there, drunk on the nip."
"Lookie here Dionysus, you timeshare cat, you," I said, proddin' him with a paw. "You may live here part time and yes, I admit, some of those nip hearts are yours, but that doesn't mean you can waltz into this here livin' room, and go around peein' on..."
Before I could even finish tellin' Dionysus off, he rolled over and fell asleep. MOUSES!
"We're just lucky it was Peep #1 who found the peed-upon nip heart, and not one of us cats," Mason began. "I can't imagine anything worse than lying down next to your favourite nip toy and placing your cheek up against it, only to find it sodden with pee. Yuk!"
"Especially when it was someone else who, you know... peed." I added.
Dionysus was still sleepin', and Tess was still growlin', when Peep #1 returned, a foul look upon her face. Standin' there, she looked down at us cats, scowlin'.
"Did you bury the nip heart?" I asked, a tremor in my voice.
"It's in the garbage," the peep answered, "where it will stay. And if I find any more peed-upon nip hearts, they'll be tossed out, too."
Then, one by one, we cats were removed from the livin' room. After the last cat was unceremoniously dumped in the front hallway - for the third time - Peep #1 closed both doors behind us.
I stared longingly into the livin' room through the glass doors. "No Peepers, NO! Please... PLEASE... NOOOO!!!"
But the peep, bein' a peep, laughed a truly heartless, cruel, and evil laugh.
Seriously, my friends. Cruella Deville would look like an umbrella-toting nanny, singing songs of her favourite raindrops and roses, in comparison.
Okay, so she didn't exactly laugh. It was more of a cry of frustration, really. A cry of frustration on account of her noticin' that Dionysus - the timeshare cat - was still sleepin' soundly among the remainin' nip hearts, and the knowledge that when she opened up those glass doors to go get him, one of us other cats was probably gonna dart past her feet and back into the livin' room, AGAIN. MOUSES!