happy now, Peepers?

Are you happy now, Peepers?  Are you happy?

Well are you?

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', Peepers has gone and done somethin' stupid.  AGAIN.  And you know what?

You would be right.

MOUSES!

So here's the thing.  Peepers has been beggin' and pleadin' and implorin' for rain.  The grass is dry, she says.  The tomatoes are stunted.  I'm tired of watering every day.  We need rain!  This is what I've been hearin' day in and day out.  Stuff like this has been assaultin' my ears.

Oh, and along with all the beggin' and pleadin' there have been accusations made every time the weatherpeeps SAY we're gonna get rain when we don't.  Or when it does rain but it's not much more than Mother Nature's spit.

And I'm gonna be honest here, my friends.  I'm gonna be as honest as I've ever been in all my nine lives.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT THE LACK OF RAIN.

As long as Peepers waters my nip plants when I tell her to, everythin' is hunky dory with me.

MOUSES!

Well we finally had some rain the other week.  Peepers even got caught in it which was pretty funny from my perspective, for sure.  I mean, it's not like I was the one who got caught in the rain.  It's not like I was the one who ended up drippin' from head to toe.  That, my friends, would not have been funny at all.  But seein' the peep lookin' like she needed to be wrung out like a soppin' wet sponge was just about as funny as funny can get.  Know what I mean?

But unfortunately, for me, the rain we got wasn't enough.  Nope, not even after we wrung out Peepers' stupid ol' hair.

Why was this unfortunate for me, you ask?

Well...

Well 'cause I'M THE ONE who had to listen to all her complaints.

MOUSES!

But last night took the cake, for sure.  Apparently all that beggin',  pleadin', implorin', and stuff did not go unheard.  Sometime 'round suppertime last night, it started to rain.  Just a little at first.  But it kept comin', you see, and started accumulatin', which, I suppose, was not a bad thing, but then...

But then...

But then the skies let loose and it started to pour.

Now I'm not talking 'bout the normal kind of heavy rain here, my friends.  No sirree.  Nope, I'm talkin' about bucket after bucket after bucket of rain fallin' from the skies, nonstop, almost right through the night!

It was like all the rain in the world fell last night and it all happened to fall right on top of my house, and...

And...

And on my nip plants out in the yard.

That darned rain practically pounded my plants right to the ground!

This is not good, my friends.  It's not good at all!  I'm not sure what can be salvaged when it dries out but it's not gonna be a lot, and...

And...

AND IT'S ALL THAT DARNED PEEP'S FAULT.

If she hadn't been beggin' and pleadin' and implorin' over and over and over again with Mother Nature for rain, my nip plants would be doin' just fine.  They were bloomin' and everythin' AND EVERY CAT KNOWS that the bloomin' nip buds are the best a nipmeister like me can possibly get.

But now they're all just one big ol' soggy ol' crushed-up mess.

So listen here, Peepers.  Listen here good.  IF MY CROP CAN'T BE SALVAGED, YOU'LL NEVER EVER EVER HEAR THE END OF IT.  You hear?  And in the meantime, do somethin' useful and try seein' if a blow dryer will help.

How do you KNOW blowing 'em dry with a blow dryer won't help?  How do you know?  You don't, do you, 'cause you've never bothered to try.  Well I need you to get off your lazy tail, Peepers, and go try right now.  And don't come back inside until you've made a valid attempt.

Jeesh!  Some peeps, huh?  They go and make a downright horrible mess of a cat's nip crop and then don't wanna bother cleanin' it up.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

another one bites the dust

IT RAINED!  And not a moment too soon. Perhaps you had heard? Another one bit the dust.

Oh yeah...

And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust.  Yup, do do do do do.  Don't know any more lyrics...  Oohhh...  do do do.

ANYWAY...  As I was sayin', another one bit the dust.

Now I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin'...  Why isn't that Seville the Cat a rock star like the peeps in Queen or somethin'?

You mean you're not thinkin' that?  Awww...  MOUSES!

Seriously though, you're probably thinkin' how it must be super dusty 'round here as it hasn't rained in almost three weeks and there have been forest fires blazin' out of control.  And if you are thinkin' that, well..  You'd be right on that account, for sure.

But even though the ground is really sandy and yes, DUSTY as all get out, it was not the ground that bit the dust.  No sirree.  It was the...

Can you guess?

No?

Okay, I'll tell you.

It was the sprinkler.

Now this was not the first sprinkler to bite the dust this year.  Nope.  Peep #1 is on sprinkler number three.  MOUSES!

And it's only mid-August.  MOUSES!

Yup, Peep #1 goes through sprinklers like some peeps go through...  underwear?  Okay, maybe not as frequently as that but still, three sprinklers in one summer...  Well that's gotta be a record, I should think..

If there were an Olympic medal offered for destroyin' sprinklers, Peep #1 would be winnin' gold, for sure.  MOUSES!

I really don't know how she does it.  Really, I don't.

Last year, she only went through two sprinklers. Needless to say, she never leaves the sprinkler out overnight anymore.  Last year, some rocky raccoon went and sat on it or somethin' and practically snapped the plastic bits in two, 'cause you know... He was a little on the heavy side.

Well that's the story we're goin' with, anyway, although many people are saying, there was a long-haired marmalade lad spotted sittin' in the general vicinity of the sprinkler one night, immediately prior to said sprinkler's demise.  MOUSES!

Anyway...

Anyway, this year, there were no rocky raccoons or long-haired marmies spotted sittin' on any sprinklers 'cause like I said, Peep #1 no longer leaves the sprinkler out overnight.

But she still breaks 'em!  And that, my friends, is for sure.  MOUSES!

We started out the season with sprinkler number one and everythin' was goin' hunky dory until one day, it kinda blew up.  Yup, it's true.  The end of it blew right off where it was supposed to be, and the next thing we knew, the sprinkler was spewing out a torrent of water out its side.

And the peep was spewing steam outta her ears!  MOUSES!

Actually, the peep and sprinkler number one resembled one another more than you might think was even possible.  Hmmm...  MOUSES!

Enter sprinkler number two, stage right.

Well just the other day, Peep #1 set sprinkler number two to sprinkle but...  But it was refusin' to sprinkle back and forth.  It just kinda stayed in one spot.

Now I know from personal experience to always watch from a safe distance, when the peep is havin' sprinkler issues, so watch from a safe distance is just what I did.

The peep fiddled with sprinkler number two for a bit and finally got it to move but it wasn't goin' all the way back and forth.  Just kinda half-way back and forth, and it didn't do even that for very long. Five minutes later, it stopped entirely.  It was sprayin' water out at a forty-five degree angle but the peep wanted it to do a full one-eighty.

Well..  Well that's when the peep fiddled with sprinkler number two a bit more and then...

Let's just say, I'm glad I was watchin' from a safe distance.

Next thing I knew, Peep #1 was bein' blasted with water...  RIGHT IN THE FACE!

Oh, you should have seen her.  Remember how she had steam blowin' out her ears after the demise of sprinkler number one?  Well same thing after sprinkler number two, too.  Of course, this time, she was a much soggier peep, for sure.  MOUSES!

And you should have heard her yell mouses!  Maybe you did.  MOUSES!

So now we've moved onto sprinkler number three.

So far, so good.  No blowing itself up or parts of it blowing off or anything like that.  And no steam blowin' out the peep's ears.  No irate cries of MOUSES!, either.

Of course, sprinkler number three has not been around for very long.  She has only had it for a couple days.  Give it time.  Give it time...

But for today, there will be no sprinklin' with sprinklers 'cause like I said earlier, last night, IT RAINED!  MOUSES!

                                   ***************************************

I just wanna add that Peep #1 only uses the sprinkler when she absolutely has to, to prevent the trees and plants in the garden from dyin'.  And most of our lawn isn't really grass.  No, there are more violets than grass 'cause they seem more drought resistant and have flowers each May for the bees.  And when she is usin' the sprinkler, it's hooked up to the sand-point (instead of the drilled well), that draws water from the water table that sometimes floods our basement in the spring 'cause it's too high for our house - or probably our house it too low for it - so really, by usin' that water now, maybe we'll have a dry basement next year.  MOUSES!

public shaming

Every major news organisation on the planet has been reporting this story like melted cheese on a hot nip pizza, so I figured I had best get right on it, too.  After all, my brother Nissy was one of the world's most famous feline reporters.  The cat with the wherewithal to get the story, no matter what it took.  The blogosphere's answer to CNN's silver fox.  Canada's sterling silver - some said platinum - tabby cat.  When it came to reporting, Nissy was simply the best and I don't want to let him down.

Unfortunately, due to the publishing schedule of my blog, I'm a tad late with my story and said story has, in fact, changed since all you-know-what broke loose, last week.  Actually, it's a bit of a non-starter now but maybe I can write about it anyway. MOUSES!

The headline should now read...  Actor Tom Selleck allegedly steals water that was legally purchased and paid for by, perhaps, actor Tom Selleck.  Try to get your head around that one.

Or perhaps a better headline would be...  Calleguas Municipal Water District of Ventura County spends over twenty thousand dollars trying to prove actor Tom Selleck allegedly stole water that was legally purchased and paid for by, perhaps, actor Tom Selleck.

Exactly how does one steal something they legally bought and paid for?  Any ideas?

So let's try this headline...  Calleguas Municipal Water District of Ventura County spends over twenty thousand dollars trying to prove actor Tom Selleck allegedly USED water that was legally purchased and paid for by, perhaps, actor Tom Selleck and therefore not stolen from the water district at all.  Gosh, my headlines are getting longer and longer by the minute. MOUSES!

Maybe the real crime here was perpetrated by the water district when they spent thousands of tax dollars hiring a private investigator to have him or her follow trucks hauling water to the Selleck's ranch.  Water that belonged to someone other than the water district because it had, in fact, been legally purchased from said district.

And why didn't the private investigator investigate a little more?  Had he or she done so, surely they would have discovered that the water belonged to someone other than the water district because, you know, it did.  And why didn't anyone explain to the powers-that-be at the water district that after you sell something, you no longer own it and that makes it no longer yours.  MOUSES!

Perhaps the water district should have hired Magnum PI.  I've heard he's pretty good.  He has quite the reputation.  Bet he would have explained about the selling and no longer owning thing.  Just saying...

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, California is in the midst of a drought and water shortages are no laughing matter and let me tell you, you are absolutely right in thinking that.  But the fact remains, if one is going to accuse someone of stealing something, one had best be sure that the something was actually stolen before one flings about wild accusations.  Not doing so will make it so much harder to legitimise any type of similar accusations in the future.  MOUSES!

It's like when the peep once accused one of us cats of peeing on a nip mouse only to find out that...

Uh, never mind.  It's actually not like that at all.  One of us cats did once pee on a nip mouse. Okay, maybe twice.  But it wasn't me, either time.  I can attest to that.  At least I don't think it was.


But my point is, had none of cats peed on a nip mouse when the peep had accused us, she would never have been able to accuse us again even if we did pee on one because if she did, we would always point out to her the occasion when she accused us of doing something that had never been done and that, in itself, would cast doubt on all future accusations. MOUSES!

I guess with this Selleck thing, it all boils down to - no pun intended with the boiling thing because you know, peeps often boil water - is water shaming. Trying to shame peeps into using less water. Apparently, hashtag WaterShaming is the next big thing.

Water shaming probably seems like a good idea on the surface of that great crystal clear lake of tranquillity, otherwise known as Lake False-Sense-of-Superiority-and-Denial, but this shaming stuff never really works.  Pet shaming was a recent craze and I can tell you from personal experience, the peep can post as many pictures of me washing my tail as she likes but I'm still going to wash my tail and seriously, I'm thinking she probably wants me to, anyway!  Although truth be told, Peep #1 has never posted such pictures of me on the Internet. Other cats, however, have not been so lucky.  MOUSES!

Peep shaming is also pretty much useless.  As you know, I have the worst IT support in the history of IT support.  Attempting to encourage Peep #1 to improve herself, I often post about her being useless when it comes to computer stuff.  But does my shaming of her make her improve?  Nope. She's as useless today as she was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and... Well you get the picture, I am sure.

Anyway, if water shaming doesn't work all that well, is it really worth over twenty thousand dollars to shame one peep?  I'm thinking no but maybe I'm wrong about that.  I have been known to be wrong before.  There was that time way back in 2011...

And I should just mention that when it comes to washing, peeps waste way more water than we cats do.  We cats wash with spit and polish.  Peeps, on the other paw, use water.  Lots and LOTS of water.  They use water to wash themselves, their clothes and even their cars.  Some peeps even play in the stuff.  Can you believe it?  MOUSES!

Word on the street is that Tom Selleck may or may not have been using the water he allegedly stole, perhaps from himself, as it was legally purchased by someone who may or may not have been him, to water some avocados.  This is of no consequence to me as I don't like avocados because, you know, I'm a cat.  Had he been watering nip plants, it would be a totally different matter.

You know, Peep #1 has been using water to water her plumeria plants.  She had best not get herself on some water shaming list where some private investigator comes along, taking pictures of her lugging watering cans from the outside tap to the plumie pots so that the county can sue her for stealing water from said tap attached to her very own house and being drawn from her very own well.  I mean, she used five or six whole watering cans of water on Friday.  Five or six watering cans full just for plumies!  Plumies that have never even bloomed.  MOUSES!

But come to think of it, what's the peep's is mine and what's mine is...  well...  mine.  So really, she was stealing those watering cans full of water.  She was stealing them from me!  Perhaps I should hire a private investigator to follow Peep #1 from the tap to the plumies and take some pictures so that I can sue the peep for stealing my water.  It's a thought.  Anyone have Magnum PI's phone number?  Anyone know if he still has a PI license?  Anyone?

Now that brings us to the last part of this here nutty story.  Although the Calleguas Municipal Water District of Ventura County has seemingly now come to the realisation that they no longer owned the water they once claimed to have had stolen from them, it has not yet been verified exactly who did own it.  Exactly who paid for said allegedly stolen water.  A construction company paid the water district for the water but did Tom Selleck pay the construction company?  We don't know. Or did Tom Selleck pay a third (or perhaps, fourth) party who then paid the construction company that paid the water district?  Again, we don't know.  Perhaps we never will know because truth be told, once the first party started suing the third or fourth party for stealing stuff they no longer even owned and therefore couldn't have had stolen from them, the story got a little crazy.  Crazy like squirrels making nut pies kind of crazy, if you know what I mean.

And just to set the record straight, at the time of publication of this blog post, no squirrels had been implicated in these water thefts.  Nuts, yes, because that goes without saying.  Water, no.  And that, my friends, is that.  MOUSES!