whacking practice

Hey Peepers!  Check the calendar on the wall, would ya?  Check what month this is.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.  Yup.  Uh-huh.

So we're in agreement it's now December, right?

Good.

So...

SO GET OFF YOUR LAZY TAIL, AND PUT THE CHRISTMAS TREE UP.

MOUSES!

It's December, Peepers.  Time to start deckin' the halls, and stuff like that.

And while you're at it, you might wanna put those ghost decorations from Hallowe'en back in the garage.

Just sayin'...

MOUSES!

Come on Peepers, I have a Christmas tree to knock down.

And we all know I can't even begin to work on topplin' it over, until it's up.

MOUSES!

So where are we on this tree?

You need to finish your coffee, FIRST?

MOUSES!

Peepers, I'LL finish the coffee for you, if you don't get up off your tail, and...

Well of course I'm not gonna drink it.  Coffee is very bad for kitties, you know.  I was actually thinking more along the lines of...

Well...

Well usin' it for whackin' practice, actually.  You see, a cat needs to start practicin' his whackin' skills on somethin', each season.  No reason not to do a few trial whacks with the coffee pot.  Make sure my aim is spot on and stuff.  You know, practicin' my whacks for when the tree goes up, 'cause once it's up, there will be a whole lot of whackin' to be done, for sure.

Think of it like battin' practice for cats who like to whack.

MOUSES!

Whackin'?

You know, like when I whack the ornaments with my paws, knockin' them one by one, onto the floor.  The ornamental breakables you put up on the tree.  The breakable ornamentals.  THE ORNAMENTS YOU PUT ON THE TREE FOR ME TO WHACK.

Boy-oh-boy, Peep #1 is super slow on the uptake today.  She's movin' like a turtle on crutches, for sure. 

Guess she really does need that coffee to get her movin', after all.

Humph!

But anyway...

But anyway Peepers, once I've whacked all the ornamental breakables off the tree, I can then whack the tree itself, and bring it down.


Why?  Why do I need to knock down the ornaments BEFORE knockin' down the tree, you ask?

ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?

SO THEY WON'T BREAK WHEN I WHACK THE TREE DOWN.

Here Peepers, drink another cup of coffee.  You get that in ya, and we can start this conversation all over again.

I promise to explain more slowly next time.

MOUSES!

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
You do so taunt me, terribly.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
You do so taunt me, terribly.

Oh hello there my friends. Can we talk?

I mean, may we talk?  I know I can talk.  I assume you can talk.  So uh...  um...  May we? Talk?  MOUSES!


Let's talk Christmas trees.

MOUSES!

You know, peeps think they're so smart.  I mean, they think they're the smartest things since sliced bread which, by the way, isn't sayin' a whole lot.  You know, on account of sliced bread not bein' all that smart.

What's that, Peepers?  WHAT?  Oh.

Apparently the sayin' is, the best thing since sliced bread.  Not the smartest.  Well as far as I'm concerned, thinkin' you're the best thing since sliced bread is kinda stupid, too, 'cause...  you know...  cats don't eat bread and therefore the existence of sliced bread is irrelevant.  MOUSES!

But about these Christmas trees.

Every year 'bout this time, the peeps plant a tree in the middle my livin' room.  Now if you ask me, this is just askin' for trouble but peeps, bein' peeps, don't see it.  MOUSES!

Now as a cat, I can assure you that trees are good for two things, and two things only.  Those two things would be climbin' and scratchin'.  Okay, maybe three things.  We might want to add sprayin' to that list, too.  MOUSES!

But when a cat happens upon a tree growin' in the middle of his livin' room, and said cat does what any cat is likely do when happenin' upon a tree growin' in the middle of his livin' room, do peeps ever blame the tree?

Better yet, do they blame themselves for plantin' a tree in the middle of the livin' room in the first place?

I mean, who the mouses grows trees in their livin' room, anyway?

And in case you hadn't yet figured it out, the answer to the above questions would be, NO.

Except, of course, for the question about who grows trees in their livin' room in the first place, 'cause for that question, there is no answer at all.  At least, not a reasonable one. MOUSES!

But back to those trees.

Peeps - BEIN' PEEPS - aren't satisfied by simply plantin' a climbin' tree in the middle of the livin' room.  OH NO, peeps - BEIN' PEEPS - have to throw a little more enticement into the mix.

Now I'm tellin' you right here and right now, a tree growin' in the middle of a kitty's livin' room is pretty enticin'.  Enticin' enough to make a kitty wanna climb that tree, for sure.  But even as enticin' as that tree is, there is one thing that will make the climbin' of such a tree even more enticin'.

And that one thing would be...

It would be a tree growin' in the middle of a livin' room, covered in lit-up strings and rollable glass balls.

Although to be perfectly honest, those glass balls don't roll very well once they're broken. MOUSES!

And don't even get me started on the bells that jingle.  MOUSES!

But back to the trees!

Well, the tree.  The one tree in question.  The tree that is currently growin' in the middle of my livin' room.  The peeps planted it Friday night.

Then, of course, it had to be replanted after a failed climbin' expedition undertaken by one very handsome marmalade dude.

You know, it turns out that these newly planted trees aren't up to much when it comes to climbin'. I mean, I know I've been enjoyin' a few extra treats durin' the holiday season and stuff, but I haven't been enjoying 'em that much.  It's not like I'm one of those long-haired marmie brothers of mine, who are apparently in a race to see which one of 'em can reach the twenty pound mark, first. MOUSES!

All I have to say is this. It's darned lucky for the peep that my climbin' expedition happened before the installation of the breakable rollables which means, of course, that not only do those glass balls still have the potential to roll, but they still have the potential to be broken, too.  MOUSES!