gone to the dogs

Dogs.  DOGS!  Today's blog post is being brought to you by dogs.  Yup, it has pretty much gone to the dogs, to be sure. MOUSES!

I was sitting here at my desk this morning, minding my own business, when I happened to look out the window and what did I see?  You guessed it, dogs.  Dogs minding - or rather doing - their business, I might add.

Again I must say, MOUSES!

Funny thing 'bout dogs; they sure do have their peeps well trained.  I mean, you see 'em walking their peeps here, there and just about everywhere and that, my friends, is what I wanna blog about today.

Well that and run-on sentences.

Fooled you!  There will be no talk of run-on sentences in this post.  I might use one or two or maybe even three but I'm not gonna talk about them except, of course, for my brief mentioning of them and that, my friends, is for sure. MOUSES!

But let's get back to those dogs.

Ever notice how dogs have to be walked?  Huh?  Ever notice that?

Now personally, I enjoy a nice walkabout, myself, but not when the weather is nasty and stuff.  I like walking about the garden when it's sunny and the temperatures are just right.  Not too cold and not too hot.  Know what I mean?  And although I have been known to go for a walk in the yard when it's snowing, I don't want to go outside when there's a blizzard a-blowing and I certainly don't want to go out in the rain.  Rain is just...  well...  icky.  MOUSES!

But dogs have to go outside for walks, no matter what the weather.  Whether it's cold or suffocatingly hot or snowing or pouring or blowing up a storm, when you're a dog, you need to go outside for your walks.  That kind of sucks if you ask me.  MOUSES!

And it's not just the dogs, either.  The peeps have to go out walking 'em, too.

I've heard some peeps say they like walking their dogs 'cause it keeps them healthy and stuff.  I can see that.  Kind of.

Yup, I can kind of see how having to walk a dog might give a peep a reason to go out walking but when you think about it, peeps can go out walking pretty much any time they like so technically speaking, they don't have to have a dog in order to take a walk.  I mean, if it's exercise they're after, peeps can simply go do their exercising without any dog being required.

You don't need a dog in order to exercise.

Never once have I heard a peep say, Boy-oh-boy, I'm the luckiest peep around 'cause my car broke down last week and now I have to walk to work and the grocery store and to my doctor's appointments and when going on dates so really, because I've been forced to leave the car sitting in the driveway while I walk just about everywhere, I'm the healthiest person around.

Of course, there was that guy from Canada Post who claimed senior citizen peeps WANTED to walk on slippery sidewalks in the dead of winter to struggle through drifts of snow to pick up their mail at one of those gigantic super-sized mail boxes because those senior peeps wanted to get out and get more exercise.  Yeah, there was that guy.  Of course, I'm not sure he was walking along those same streets. Nah, he probably drove his car.

Need I say it?  Sure, why not? MOUSES!

But once again, let's get back to those dogs.

This is not an anti-dog post.  No sirree, I'm not an anti-dog kind of cat.  This here post is actually pro-dog.  Or rather, for the dogs, so to speak...  type...  whatever.

This here post is about a newly invented invention of mine.  Well technically speaking, I haven't actually invented it yet.  I'm still in the planning stages and whatnot but once I have a working prototype, I'm planning on presenting it on that television show where cats and peeps present their business ideas to these financial bigwigs and get money to make 'em happen and stuff.

Well actually...  if I'm gonna be really technical...  so far...

So far there haven't been any cats appearing on the Dragon's Den.  Nope, so far only peeps but I figure there's a first time for everything so why shouldn't I be the first cat to appear on that show, ready to start up a business and stuff?  Huh?  Why not?  MOUSES!

And when you're a cat like me with such a great idea as mine...

Well I think the Dragon's Den is the PURRfect fit and will be lucky to have me, to be sure. MOUSES!

So here's what I'm thinking...

You take a big plastic box, kind of like a litter box but bigger in size.  Four by four feet should do nicely but unlike a kitty litter box, it will have lower sides.  Yeah, only an inch or so of rim is necessary as no litter is required because as we all know, doggies don't like to bury their...  uh... you-know-whats as do we cats.  And in the middle of the box, will be a fire hydrant for the peeing station and below that, some sort of catch-all for the uh...  liquids.  And next to the box will sit a box of poop bags and disinfectant wipes, for easy clean-up.

But that's not the whole thing!  Oh no, the litter box part of the the litter box sits next to a circular wheel - pardon the redundancy - that is wide enough for a dog and a peep to walk, side-by-side. Just like they make 'em for gerbils and whatnot only bigger on account of the dogs and the peeps who will be using them, instead.

The beauty of my indoor doggy toilets - which is my working name for now - is that dogs and peeps can still get their exercise and do their daily constitutionals but they can do so, from the comfort of inside their own home. No rain or snow to contend with.  No icy cold winds. No cars madly beeping their horns.  No mailmen yelling when you chase 'em.  None of that nasty stuff at all!

What's more, my indoor doggy toilets will answer the age-old question of who let the dogs out?  The answer, of course, will be no one for no one need let the dogs out if said dogs are doing their business indoors.  MOUSES!

When you think about it, it's pure genius, really.  Yup, pure genius for sure.  Just goes to show you, it takes a cat to invent an indoor doggy toilet with walking wheel accessory, to be sure.  MOUSES!

                                                           **********************

And speaking of litter boxes, the peeps are still waiting on that permit from the Department of Environment for The Big Dig to begin in my backyard but we heard today that the permit has been processed and issued so that's some good news, for sure.

take a hike

Are you tired of a sedentary lifestyle?  Are household chores not giving you enough daily activity?  Do you constantly feel tired and lacking of energy?  Have no get up and go?  No vim?  No vigour?  Feel kind of bleh?

Are you experiencing the need to get more exercise?  Do you feel the desire to get out in the fresh air more often?  A desire to lead a more active life?

Have you ever said to yourself, "If only I had a reason to go for a daily walk.  If only I could make myself go outside every day, no matter what.  If only someone would force me to get out there for the good of my health."

If this describes you, you're in luck.  You can now take a hike, courtesy of Canada Post, on a daily basis.  That's right, TAKE A HIKE.  MOUSES!

Just picture it.  A bitterly cold January day after a heavy snowfall.  The wind is blowing and conditions are almost blizzard-like.  Previously, you might have decided to skip your daily exercise routine.  Skip that daily walk.  Weather out there is just too darn frightful.  Who would willingly go outside in that?

But now, thanks to Canada Post's decision to cancel urban door-to-door mail delivery, you have to go outside.  You have to brave the elements.  You'll be forced to trudge through snowbanks and slip and slide on icy sidewalks.  Forced to get out there in the fresh air and be active.

And in the summer when the temperature soars and the humidex is stifling, instead of lazing about in front of an air conditioner, you'll be hiking down the street to collect your mail.  Remember to wear sunscreen.  You don't want to get a burn.

Are you a senior who has allowed worry over icy sidewalks and broken bones to stop you from walking in winter?  Has worry over heat exhaustion on hot summer days with poor air quality stopped you from exercising outside in summer?

You won't allow those worries to stop you any more because now you have your very own personal trainer.

Deepak Chopra, head of Canada Post, has heard your desire to lead a more active lifestyle.  In 2013 he told Parliament that Canadian seniors will welcome the cancellation of urban door-to-door mail delivery because they want to be healthy and more active.  I say, what better way to do that than to be forced to get out there and hike to the nearest super mailbox?  Wherever that may be.

And remember, you don't want to miss a day.  No matter what the weather, you'll want to get out there and hike to that mailbox because Canada Post recommends picking up mail at super mailboxes on a daily basis to avoid having it stolen.  MOUSES!

In case you missed it, Canada Post is discontinuing all urban door-to-door mail delivery and replacing it with super mailbox to super mailbox delivery, instead.

There are some pretty upset peeps out there because of this.  So upset, in fact, that one city mayor took a jack-hammer to the concrete slab where Canada Post planned to plant a new mailbox, just last week.   He was making a point, he said.

Not a lot of peeps find these super mailboxes to be very super at all.  They're big and awkward and kind of ugly and where already in use, appear to be somewhat vulnerable to theft.  MOUSES!

City peeps are complaining that because of their size, they'll be difficult to place. Cities are going to need an awful lot of them and city streets are already filled with bus shelters and benches and the like. Not every street will be able to accommodate them.  Did I mention they were super big?

MOUSES!  That must be why they're called super.  THEY'RE SUPER-SIZED!!!

Super-sized like a fast-food meal.  No wonder Canada Post is feeling the need to be the personal trainer of Canadians.  MOUSES!

one of those days

It was one of those days.

The day started out okay. Peep #1 informed me that I would have to blog on my own.  She was gonna be busy.  Fine by me.  I write all my own stuff, anyway. All I really need for her to do is turn on the ol' computer and truth be told, I don't even need that.  I just let her think I do.  Boosts her confidence, you see. Lets her think she's needed and all.  Lets her think she plays a part in my bloggin'.

A part other than, you know...  doin' foolish stuff about which I can later blog.

Hmmm...  Perhaps I do need the peep after all.  MOUSES!

Anywho...  The peep was gonna be busy Friday afternoon 'cause she had some Christmas stuff to do.  She was gonna be makin' candy.

First on the list was fudge.  I was hopin' it would be tuna flavoured but no such luck.  The peep, bein' a peep, does not appreciate the good things in life.  What a peep.  Clearly lackin' in taste, if you ask me.

Of course, the only thing better than tuna fudge would be nip balls.  I hopped up onto the kitchen counter to snatch a nip of the nip but alas, there was no nip to be found.  And when I pointed out to the peep that nip balls would require nip, she completely ignored me.  Can you believe it? MOUSES!

I was then unceremoniously dropped down onto the floor before I could get my paws on the butter and cream on the counter.  Peeps can be so rude sometimes.  I decided to head off into my office to work on my blog.

A little while later, the peep announced she had to go out.  I waved her off sayin', "Not now, woman. I've got bloggin' to do!"  I heard the door close behind her and the car engine start up.  She was off to wherever she was goin', in the rain.  Yup, it was rainin' outside.  Actually, it was pourin'.  Pretty icky weather, if you ask me.

As an afterthought, I did yell out to her to mind the rain on account of the wonky windshield wiper on the drivers' side of the car but my afterthought came after she had already left so it was too late for her to hear.  MOUSES!

From what I've been told, this was when the excitement began.

As I was workin' away on my blog, Peep #1 was headin' down Bridge Street.  Bridge Street is the street that crosses the river.  It has a bridge.  That's why it's called Bridge Street.  Peeps 'round here are kind of literal 'bout stuff like that and chaos can occur when a town or village has more than one bridge.  MOUSES!

Anywho...  The peep was headin' into the village that houses our post office to pick up a parcel. She had tried to pick it up the day before but the place in the mall where parcels used to be delivered, was no longer offerin' that service.  The peep knew 'bout this change but had forgotten.

Now it gets dark pretty early in December and on rainy days, it gets dark even earlier than early.  So there she was, drivin' into the village in the pourin' rain and it was gettin' darker and darker by the minute.

The rain was comin' down in torrents and the windshield wipers were workin' up a frenzy but not doin' what they were supposed to be doin' properly on account of one of 'em bein' wonky.  The peep was cursin' the peeps who had replaced the wonky wiper less than two weeks before 'cause after they had replaced it, it was wonkier than ever.  Thing is, she hadn't yet had a chance to get back to 'em to have it fixed.

Crossin' the bridge that gives Bridge Street its name, she glanced at the river.  It had turned into a lake.  Oh yeah, I'm serious about that.  Trees were up to their elbows in water.  Trees that used to grow in a field were now standin' in the midst of a small lake. MOUSES!

She made it to the post office with about half an hour to spare.  Racing into the buildin', she presented the postal employee with the card for her parcel only to be informed that she was at the wrong post office.  What?  But she was at our official post office.  Our mail is all sorted in that one and delivered from there.

Apparently, when the mall stopped acceptin' parcels, some genius at Canada Post decided that it would be a good idea to redirect parcels to the post office in the same village as the mall even though that post office was not actually our post office.  Not part of our address or anythin'. MOUSES!

The peeps at our post office all thought it was pretty stupid, too.  They had complained when it was done but no one had listened.  Again I must say, MOUSES!

So my peep had a decision to make.  Was she gonna drive back over the river that was now a lake, to go to the post office that was not our post office, before it closed for the weekend or was she gonna first go to the store to get some more butter for makin' candy, on account of her havin' run out of that.  What to do...  What to do...  She went for the butter.

But it occurred to the peep that maybe, just maybe, she could get her groceries and get out of there in time to go back over the river that was a now lake, and make it to the other post office that was not our post office, before closin'.  She decided to try.

She raced through that ol' grocery store, pushin' the cart through the aisles as quickly as she dared, dodgin' peeps here, there and everywhere.  There were peeps all over the place.  And their carts had been parked in the grocery store aisles in the most inconvenient of spots.  Of course, the randomly placed displays that the grocery store peeps had haphazardly scattered about didn't help, either. And the double whammy of a cart bein' parked next to a display, blockin' entire aisles, so that peeps could catch up on a year's worth of chattin' was makin' my peep a little hot under the collar, if you know what I mean.  She normally wouldn't care but that day, she was in a hurry.

Surprisingly enough, the peep managed to get what she needed and into the check-out aisle relatively quickly and without knockin' over a single chattin' peep or haphazardly placed display in the store.  Well there was...   Nah, she just bumped into that rack with the cart.  Didn't actually knock it over.  MOUSES!

Then she was back on the road, drivin' over the river that was now a lake, peerin' through the windshield whose wipers were workin' up a frenzy but not doin' much of anythin'.  The words my peep used regardin' those wipers will not repeated, here, as Nerissa's Life is a family-friendly blog.

Peep #1 pulled into the parking lot of the other post office that is not our post office but to where all our parcels are now bein' redirected.  It was after five.  MOUSES!  But she took a chance.  She thought maybe...  just maybe...

The lights on the Christmas tree in the window had been turned off and things were bein' put away but as luck would have it, someone at the post office had forgotten to lock the door.  Peep #1 swung open that post office door and stepped inside and once you're in, you're in.  They had to give her her parcel, for sure.

A few minutes later, she was back in the car.  The rain was still comin' down and the windshield wiper was still wonky.  The peep was desperate to get home 'cause she felt like she was comin' apart at the seams.

And so was the wonky windshield wiper!  To add a little more excitement to the mix, part of the wiper was now flippin' about - separately - from the rest of itself.  A clear plastic piece was workin' its way off the main part of the wiper and flippin' about like a fish out of water even though, with the heavy rain, there was plenty of water about.

The peep pulled over and stopped the car.  It was dark.  She didn't know if the clear plastic thing was supposed to be there or not.  Was the wiper fallin' apart?  Should that plastic thing have been removed when the wiper was installed?   Whatever was goin' on, surely nothin' was supposed to be flippin' about like that.  She got out of the car, stepping into the heavy rain and shoved the plastic thingy back in.

Thankfully, Peep #1 arrived home, safe and sound.  She unpacked the groceries and I, havin' finished workin' on my blog for the day, once again hopped up onto the kitchen counter. Had the peep remembered to buy tuna and nip?  Inquirin' minds wanted to know.

Unfortunately, there was not a trace of tuna nor nip to be found.  "How are you gonna make tuna fudge and nip balls without the tuna and the nip?" I questioned.

If you ask me, my peep had better improve her attitude 'round her or she's gonna end up on Santa's naughty list.  If he hears 'bout her not makin' me any tuna or nip candy...  If he hears 'bout that, she's gonna be in trouble for sure. And you don't wanna get into trouble this close to Christmas.  If you're gonna cause trouble, best to do it after the naughty and nice lists have been finalised and sent to the printers.  Believe me, I know. MOUSES!