my gosh, that was tirin'

Well THAT was exhaustin', for sure.

MOUSES!

Oh my mouses, my pals, I've never felt so tired in all my nine lives.  What a workout, I had!  I'm gonna have to go take a nap.  A really nice long one, too.

MOUSES!

So yesterday, Peepers had a few errands to run.  Bank, post office, grocery store for oranges and bird seed...  Silly errand stuff like that.

WELL!

Well, things didn't work out as planned.

MOUSES!

Out the door, Peepers went.  Into the car - after clearin' off the snow from the day before, she did crawl.  Key in ignition.  Engine turned on.  Backin' up she did start, and then...

And then...

And then stuck in the driveway, she was.

MOUSES!

Yup, she managed to back out a few feet, but then all of a sudden...

All of a sudden...

All of a sudden, everythin' stopped.

Kinda.

Well not really.

MOUSES!

The car wasn't movin' but the front passenger-side tire was a-spinnin'.  Spinnin' like a neutron star on steroids, for sure.

MOUSES!

So shovel in tow, Peepers cleared away more snow.  Chipped away at the ice she thought might be the problem.  Then spread half a bag of kitty litter around ALL FOUR tires.

Nothin'.  Nothin' but spinnin' tires, she did have.

More shovellin' ensued.  More chippin' at ice.  Then shovellin' and chippin' again.

Still nothin'

MOUSES!

In and out of that car, ol' Peepers went.  She tried movin' the car so many times, I lost count.  And I was countin' with ALL FOUR of my paws!

MOUSES!

Finally, she gave up, and walked down to get the mail.  Then returned to try all over again.

I don't know for how long Peepers was out there.  An hour?  Probably two.  And then, one last try and miraculously, she got that car to move.

Of course, by then, the bank and post office had both closed.  Peepers did, however, manage to go buy bird seed and oranges, along with some other stupid things.

MOUSES!

Peepers didn't return until well after dark, when she found me sound asleep in one of my favourite sleepin' spots.  My back and neck were so sore, havin' had to crane my neck in weird positions in order to see her, from where I had sat, earlier, on the windowsill.  I was tired and achy all over from watchin' her work with that shovel.  Even my tail was sore from thumpin' it on the wall in aggravation!

Not to mention the sheer exhaustion I felt from all the laughin' I did.

Hmmm...  Perhaps I SHOULDN'T mention the laughin' bit.

MOUSES!

So that was yesterday, my pals, and today...

Well, today...

Today, she needs to go back out to run the errands she didn't get done, yesterday, so I had best rest up the rest of this mornin'...

...IN CASE I'M IN FOR ANOTHER TERRIBLY EXHAUSIN' AFTERNOON.

Methinks we need to ship some more of this wintry weather, southward.

I hear snow golf is gonna be the next big thing.

MOUSES!

that can't be

Well that can't be.

Nah, that makes no sense at all.

That's gotta be the most stupendously stupid, stupidest nonsense I, Seville the Cat, have ever heard.  And believe-you-me, I've heard a whole lotta stupendously stupid nonsense, for sure.

After all, I do live with Peepers.

She says a lotta stupid stuff.

MOUSES!

But get this.  This is THE MOST STUPID thing she has ever said: Peepers says, she's makin' a blanket for the car.

A blanket.

For the car!

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

Why the mouses would a CAR need a blanket?

WHY?

And this isn't gonna be some quick and easy knit that she can do up in a matter of days.  No sirree, this could take weeks.

Maybe months.

Even years.

I mean, how big does a blanket need to be if said blanket is for a car?  Cars are big.  The blanket is gonna have to be bigger.  So that it can cover up the whole car.

MOUSES!

And all that car-blanket-knittin' will take time away from time she COULD be spendin' knittin' somethin' for me.

MOUSES!

And then she says...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh.

Hmmm...

Okay, so Peepers now says the blanket isn't gonna be goin' on and around the car, keepin' the car warm.  So it doesn't have to be all that big.  She SAYS - now - that the blanket is gonna be kept inside the car so if anyone in the car gets chilly, they can snuggle on in.

Hmmm...

Okay, so that's gotta be the SECOND most stupendously stupid, stupidest nonsense I, Seville the Cat, have ever heard.  And like I said before, I've heard a whole lotta stupendously stupid nonsense, for sure.

'Cause you know, I live with the peep.

And she says a lotta stupid stuff.

MOUSES!

Peepers, WHY THE MOUSES would you even THINK of knittin' a blanket to keep anyone in the car nice and comfortably warm?   'Cause in case you didn't know...

In case you didn't know...

In case you didn't know, I, Seville the Cat, do not like goin' in the car.  I avoid it at all costs.  

So ipso facto defuncto, that there blanket is NOT gonna used by me.

Which means, your knittin' it really is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

MOUSES!

Peepers, if you're plannin' on knittin' a blankie, you should be knittin' said blankie pour moi.

And it should be royal blue or forest green.  Somethin' that shows off my glorious marmalade furs.

And it needs to be incredibly plush and soft.  It won't be as soft as my furs, of course, but that kinda goes without sayin.  But it still needs to be soft.  Like feathers wrapped up in plush velvet or somethin' like that.

And what's most important of all, any blankie of mine should never even SEE the inside of the car.

Fact.

MOUSES!

struttin' his stuff

I swear that ol' brother of mine, Saffy Saffron Sassifras, is out there stuttin' his stuff.  Yup, he's struttin' his stuff for all the world to see.

Or at least anyone who happens to be lookin'.

MOUSES!

Now before anyone gets any ideas, yes, my brother has already been neutered.  It's not that kinda stuff he is struttin'.

Get your mind outta the gutter, would ya?

MOUSES!

But neutered or not, he's out there in the backyard, right now, walkin' about this way and that, head held high and tail straight up in the air.  And his walk is more of a...

Well...

An arrogant gait

Yup, he's most definitely struttin'.

MOUSES!

And get this.  Peepers tapped on the window to get his attention and do you know what he did?

Well, DO you?

Well I'll TELL you what he did.  NOTHIN'.  That's right, NOTHIN'!  He just kept on struttin', totally ignorin' the peep's tappin'.

Can you believe it?

MOUSES!

So why-oh-why is that brother of mine out there struttin', you ask?

Some fool - aka Peepers - told him he was walkin' on water.  And now he thinks he's all special and stuff.

HEY SAFFRON!  WHEN THE WATER HAS FROZEN INTO AN ICY LAYER ON TOP OF A FOOT OR MORE OF SNOW, YOUR WALKIN' ON IT DOESN'T COUNT AS YOUR WALKIN' ON WATER.

MOUSES!

If only you could see him, my friends.  If only you could see him!  Tail still held high.  Chin up in the air, too.  And if I'm not mistaken, he appears to be lookin' down his nose at somethin'.

Or someone.

Or...

Or at ME?

MOUSES!

Nah, that can't be right.  No cat would ever look down their nose at me.  They might look down their nose at peeps, sure, but never at me.

Besides,  LOOKIN' DOWN YOUR NOSE AT OTHERS IS MY JOB, you see.

Some cats can be so arrogant and full of self-importance.

It's pathetic, really.

MOUSES!

HEY PEEPERS!  Those treats you gave me a few minutes ago have gone all stale.  They must have come from the package you opened yesterday.  I, Seville the Cat, am gonna need some that are a bit fresher than that.

And could you please put 'em on a new plate?  I shouldn't have to eat off the same plate, twice.  Even if I didn't actually eat off it the first time.  After all, I AM Seville the Cat.

MOUSES!

I'm tellin' ya, if I don't keep after those peeps of mine, they'll try to get away with just about anythin'.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

the arrival

So, so far in this so-called winter, we've had rain and we've had wind.  And yes, sometimes we've had rain and wind together.  We've even had slush.

Yeah, that's right, I swear that one day, it rained slush.

MOUSES!

And we've also had snow that changed to rain, before changin' to more slush.

And the wind!  Did I mention the wind?  Boy-oh-boy have we had wind.

And sometimes it has been cold.  Not super-duper cold, but cold enough that I wanted to be inside all day where it was nice and toasty.  And sometimes it has been mild!  We broke a mildness record in January, I do believe, on account of it bein' so mild.

MOUSES!

But two days ago...

Two days ago, on Monday...

Winter officially arrived.

MOUSES!

It snowed and it snowed and it snowed.  Then it snowed again, some more.

Did I mention it snowed?

And this time, the snow stuck around.  Here it is, Wednesday, and there's still a whole whack of snow on the ground, with no sign of it meltin' and disappearin' any time soon.

MOUSES!

Now as a Canadian kitty, you'd think I'd be used to all of this snow.  Truth be told, I kinda am.  But the fact is, snow is snow, and it makes it awfully difficult to get around.

You have any idea how hard it is for a kitty to wade through a foot of snow?  I mean, I'm only like...  well, around a foot tall.  How the mouses am I supposed to lift my legs high enough to walk through that kinda snow?

MOUSES!

But luckily for me, Peepers went out first thing Tuesday and shovelled all around.  Oh sure, snowplow guy came late Monday, but he only plows the driveway.  I, Seville the Cat, was in need of some paths just for me.  And Saffy, of course.

But, you know...  Mainly for me.

MOUSES!

Well I've got my paths, now.  A kitty can now walk from the front door to the back, and back 'round to the front, once more; without havin' to wade through all that freezin' cold snow.  I can walk out to where Peepers feeds the birdies, too.  I can even walk over to the compost, if I want.  Which I really don't.  But if I want to, I can.

MOUSES!

And...

And Peepers managed to shovel all that snow without slippin' or slidin'.  Or trippin', for that matter.  She didn't fall down.  Not even once.  Not once!

And if I'm bein' totally honest, that was kinda disappointin'.  Her not slippin' and fallin', I mean.  'Cause let me tell you somethin', my friends...

Let me tell you...

Let me tell you somethin', my friends; when a kitty gets all comfy on the windowsill, EXPECTIN' a fun-filled humorous show, A KITTY EXPECTS TO SEE HIS PEEP SLIP, TRIP, AND EVENTUALLY, FALL DOWN.

At least one time.

Instead,  Peepers put on THE MOST BORIN' SHOW of all time.

THERE'LL BE NO EMMY FOR HER.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

doornail kinda dead

Yup, it's dead, alright.  Dead, deaddums, doornail kinda dead.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

NO, I was NOT talking 'bout a bird.

*runs to front door to double-check*

NOPE, there are no dead birds 'round here.

MOUSES!

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' either Saffy or I caught some poor critter and deadded it.  A bird or a mouse or...  Or perhaps a wayward bug.

But the truth is, we didn't.  We didn't catch anythin'.  Not anythin' at all!

What?  What's that, Saffy, my man?

Oh yeah, Saffy DID catch the butterfly toy Santa gave us for Christmas.  He caught it last night.  And then again, this mornin'.  He catches it a lot, actually, but he does NOT deadums it.  Nope, he doesn't deadums it, at all.  Once he lets go, the butterfly always comes right back to life.

MOUSES!

What, Saffy?  What are you on about now?

Oh yeah, and Saffy also caught his tail.

Although I'm pretty sure that catch was purely accidental.

MOUSES!

Truth is, it's the car battery that's dead.

AND IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN ALL THAT COLD!

But not-all-that-cold or not, the car battery is dead as a doornail, the peep says.

AND THE BATTERY ISN'T EVEN ALL THAT OLD.

Seems we went through all this not all that long ago.  Maybe two or three years.

But the battery won't start up the car, nonetheless.

But don't you worry, my friends.  Don't you worry, at all.  The car has a doctor's appointment - if that's what you wanna call it - on Tuesday afternoon.  Our pals at the garage will fix 'er right up and she'll be runnin' again, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

I AM NOT WORRIED.  There's no need for you to console Saffy and me.  YOU might be skimpin' on milk and bread to make sure there's enough to get you thru 'til Tuesday, but that's of no concern to me.

I already checked, you see, and there's plenty of kibble and tins of the fanciest of the feasts.  Plenty of treats, as well.  There are even bottles of spring water.

To which Saffy has takin' a likin', as of late.

SAFFY AND ME ARE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

Good thing, too, Peepers.  'Cause if we were runnin' low on any of OUR stuff, you'd be walk, walk, WALKIN' to the store.

And that is for sure.

Not OUR fault the store is a couple kilometres away and the roads are a tad icy.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

I'm meltin'! I'M MELTIN'!

I'm melting!  I'M MELTING!

Yup, that's just what I heard.

Yeah, that's right: ol' Peepers, here, was yelling 'bout how she was meltin' on account of her gettin' rained on, and in true witchy-woo form, once she got all wet from the rain, she...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

FINE.  Okay, so Peepers didn't get rained on.

FINE.  Okay, so Peepers didn't yell she was meltin' on account of bein' rained on, either.  In fact, she wasn't yellin' she was meltin', at all.  Nor was she actually meltin'.

Or so she says.

FINE.  So it's not actually rainin'.  In fact, the sun is shinin' and it's a beautiful day.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

You want me to take back the bit 'bout your bein' in true witchy-woo form?  The bit that insinuates you might, in fact, be like a...

You know...

Witch?

BUT I CAN'T LIE TO MY READERS LIKE THAT.

MOUSES!

FINE.  Peepers isn't a witch.

Or so she says.

MOUSES!

Okay, so here's what's really goin' on: the sun is shinin', the temperature is above zero, and there's a snowman out there in the yard who is meltin' and yellin' as loudly as he can, hopin' Peepers and I will take out some ice for him to help him keep his cool.

Yeah, yeah...  That's who it was.  It was a snowman yelling 'bout how he was meltin'.

Yeah, a snowman.  That's what I said.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

BUT MY READERS EXPECT MORE EXCITEMENT ON MY BLOG THAN THAT.

MOUSES!

Lookie here, Peepers.  Leave the writin' to me, will you?  You don't know the first thing 'bout writin' an excitin' blog post.  You don't know the first thing!

Nor the second, nor third.  Not even the fourth!

PEEPERS, EVEN REALITY TV IS MORE EXCITIN' THAN THAT.

And reality TV is real, Peepers.  Real as in reality.  Real is what reality means, you know.  You can't get more real than that.

Or so they say.

MOUSES!

FINE.

FINE!

I said, fine, didn't I, Peepers?

FINE.

Okay, so here's what's really happening 'round here: NOTHIN'.  Nothin' at all.  Nothin' but nothin' is happenin' around here.

MOUSES!

Well yeah, the sun is shinin'.

And yeah, it is a really nice day.

And yeah, the snow is meltin' out there.  Not snowmen, though.  Just snow, and...

On the other paw, if there were any snowmen out there, they WOULD likely be meltin', too.

Just not yelling 'bout their meltin' to anyone who might hear.

You know, on account of the pebbles used to make their mouths havin' fallen to the ground once the snow holdin' said pebbles had melted away.  And as everyone knows, once your mouth falls off, it's kinda hard to yell.

And that's why the HORRENDOUS, TERRIFIED CRIES OF ANGUISH from melting snowmen always go unheard, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

Peepers, if I've told you once, I've told you a million kajillion times, times ninety-two: LEAVE THE WRITIN' TO ME.

Hyperbole?

Never heard of it.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

the big freeze

Friggity-frack-de-quack-der-knack.

Times two.

MOUSES!

So you all know 'bout my plan to stay indoors and enjoy a few hot nip toddies on Friday and Saturday, right?  On account of those frigid temperatures the weatherpeeps were sayin' we were gettin'?  -26C or lower Friday night?  -18C as a high on Saturday with a wind chill of -42C?  Remember how I blogged 'bout that?

Well best laid plans...

Okay, so I DID stay indoors.  Wasn't allowed out, at all.  That part of my plan worked out.

Weatherpeeps' plan worked out, too, on account of the temperatures bein' that low, not to mention THAT COLD.

But as for my plan to enjoy hot nip toddies...

Well that part of my plan was a big ol' fail, for sure.

MOUSES!

There were no hot nip toddies for me.  No hot toddies for the peeps, either.  For that matter, there was no hot ANYTHIN' for anyone 'round here.

MOUSES!

So here's what happened to Saffy, me, and the peeps:

Peepers decided to sleep in Saturday mornin' on account of her not goin' anywhere on account of the weather forecast.  Up she got 'round 8am.  First thing she did was go into the kitchen, turn up the heat, then turn on the lights.  But the thing is...

The thing is...

The thing is, the lights didn't come on.  For that matter, neither did the heat.

WE HAD NO POWER.

MOUSES!

COLDEST DAY 'ROUND HERE FOR YEARS AND WE HAD NO POWER!  No lights, no heat, no water, no nothin'.

I, Seville the Cat, was not amused.

Neither were the peeps.

MOUSES!

Peepers thinks the power went off about 7:30.  Just about half an hour earlier.  She said, "As long as it comes back on soon, we'll all be okay."

But the winds were terrible and the power peeps can't climb power poles in high winds.

They're not as agile as we cats, you see.  Plus, they don't have claws to hang on.

So until the winds died down, we were stuck in the cold.  But 'bout 5pm yesterday afternoon, the winds must have died down enough for 'em to go up those poles with their clawless paws...  I mean, hands, 'cause the power came back on.

For less than five minutes.

MOUSES!

Then we played the waitin' game again which, unfortunately, does not have anythin' to do with nip mice or wand toys of anythin' fun like that.  In case you didn't know, the waitin' game is not a fun game, at all.  Thankfully, 'round about midnight, the power came back on once more.

This time, for at least five minutes, but less than ten.

MOUSES!

By now, the temperature in the house had dropped to near freezin'.  In fact, the sunroom did freeze.  Peepers' baby eustoma plants for this summer all got frosted and the soil in their pots was frozen solid.

BUT DON'T WORRY.  MY CATNIP PLANTS ARE ALL SAFE.

Never gonna hear the end 'bout those eustomas, though.

MOUSES!

At two or two-thirty this mornin', the power came back on, this time for good.

AND WE ALL SIGHED BIG SIGHS OF RELIEF.

The peeps, Saffy, and I all survived the big freeze.

Catnip plants did, too.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

gonna need a new coat

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin' that I, Seville the Cat, already have a perfectly good - not to mention absolutely gorgeous - fur coat.

And you know somethin', my friends?

YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

MOUSES!

Why, my orange marmalade furs are the bestest of bestest of coats, for sure.

Everyone says so, so it MUST be true.  Right?  Right.

MOUSES!

But the thing is, I'm not talking 'bout that kinda coat.

MOUSES!

No, I'm talking 'bout the kinda coat you put on OVER your naturally gorgeous marmalade furs.  You know, like peeps do.  When they wear coats.

Okay, so peeps don't actually have a lotta fur or hair all over their bodies over which they put on some kinda coat.

Okay so MOST peeps don't have a lotta fur or hair all over their bodies over which they might put on some kinda coat.  Oh sure, they've got hair on the tops of their heads but all over their arms and their legs?  And their backs?  And...

Well perhaps it's best not to think 'bout peeps who have that much hair.

MOUSES!

But back to the business of my needin' a new coat.

So far the winter here in Nova Scotia has been fairly mild.  We've had some snow.  We've had rain.  We've had a lotta rain, in fact.  But all and all, it hasn't been all that cold.

But accordin' to the weatherpeeps...

Accordin' to the weatherpeeps, THAT'S ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE.  They're sayin' it's gonna be 'bout -28C come Friday night.  Saturday is gonna be super cold, too.  And in case you were wonderin' bout -28C...

-28C IS DARN RIGHT COLD.

Cold as in COLD.

MOUSES!

So like I said, I'm gonna need a new coat.

On the other paw, maybe I'll just enjoy a hot nip toddy and stay indoors.

Thank goodness I can do my business in the litter box, inside.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

one hundred and four

Just when I thought...

Just when I thought this ol' pandemic thingy was windin' down...

Just when I thought this ol' pandemic thingy was windin' down, and spring and nice weather would be upon us and stuff, Ol' Man Winter decided to stick around.

MOUSES!

That's right, my friends, after five hundred and sixty-six million, ninety-two thousand, eight hundred cat seconds, I thought we were well on our way to endin' this pandemic of the century.  I THOUGHT with mornin' arrivin' an hour early today - daylight savings time, don't-cha-know, flocks of red robins visitin' the holly bush like the holly berries are on for half price due to an end of season sale, and after havin' some kinda nice days last week; Miss Spring would be arrivin' with her suitcase and settlin' in as a welcome visitor at my house with no isolation or social distancin' required.  She was gonna be our first house guest since the pandemic began!

But then...

But then, little Miss Spring decided to continue social distancin' and isolating, and not make the trip to my house, after all.

MOUSES!

So here I am, not only stuck with two good-for-nothin' peeps but stuck with Ol' Man Winter, as well.  And let me tell you somethin', my friends...

OL' MAN WINTER IS AS CRANKY AS A CRANKY OL' MAN CAN GET.

MOUSES!

Why all last night he was huffin' and puffin' outside, blowin' down small branches and things.

And I thought PEEPERS could herself get into a huff.

MOUSES!

Oh, and that wind he's blowin' about is as cold as cold can get.

Okay, so maybe not as cold as it was in the dead of winter, but it's a far cry from Miss Spring's accompanying warm weather.

MOUSES!

But I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin' I can outsmart this winter dude, for sure.  I mean, I'm a cat, after all, and cats are smarter than the seasons, right?  Right.  Of course we are.

MOUSES!

Good gosh, he musta heard me sayin' that 'cause that last puff of hot...  I mean, COLD air he huffed almost blew my house right down!  Guy must be related to the big bad wolf, I think.

Good thing I'm not a little piggy.

MOUSES!

Oh shush up there, Peepers.  ENOUGH WITH THE FAT JOKES.  MY BEIN' A CONNOISSEUR OF THE TREATS DOESN'T MAKE ME A PIGGY.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

enough already

I said, ENOUGH.

MOUSES!

I swear, every time I turn 'round, it's snowin'.

MOUSES!

Now you'd think I wouldn't care all that much 'bout the snow.  I mean, my bathroom is indoors.  It's not like I have to out to use the loo...

LIKE A DOG.

MOUSES!

But you see, every time it snows, the snowplough comes through.

I know, I know...  I know what you're thinkin'.  You're thinkin', gettin' ploughed out is a good thing, for sure.

And actually, you would be right, except...

Except...

'CEPT THOSE PLOUGHS ARE AS NOISY AS ALL GET OUT.  Worse than the vacuum, for sure.  Hard to believe, but they are.

And they kinda scare me a bit.

But don't tell anyone I said that, okay?  It's a secret, you see.  I don't want the whole world knowin' I, Seville the Cat, mancat of all mancats, is scared of a little plough.

Although to tell you the truth, they're not little at all.  They're huge!  Huge, as in HUGE, I say.  They're the kinda things that give cats nightmares at night.

Also durin' the day.

MOUSES!

And then there's the problem with peeps havin' to shovel and stuff.  You know what happens when peeps are outside shovellin' paths and things, and diggin' out cars?

Well I can't tell you what is happenin', on account of my not bein' outside helping 'em shovel, but I can tell you what's not.   What's not happenin' is that they're not inside tendin' to my every need.

Want...  Need...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

And you know why else I'm complain' about the snow?  Snow is icy.  Snow is cold.  And as my good pal Summer kinda pointed out the other day, snow is not conducive to the growin' of nip.  And if there's anythin' I, Seville the Cat, nipmeister of all nipmeisters knows: it's that the growin' of the nip is of the greatest importance, for sure.  The greatest, I say.  THE GREATEST!

Right after the imbibin' of nip, of course.

MOUSES!

And now that I'm thinking 'bout nip...

Hey Peepers!  You wanna make me a hot nip toddy, please?  Not too hot, mind you.  But not cold, either.  Luke warm, should do.  And keep it light on the water, would ya?  But heavy on the nip.  Worst thing a peep can do is waste good catnip by dilutin' it too much.

MOUSES!

And make one for Saffy, as well.  I heard he was really, really, REALLY SCARED by the snowplough the other day, so he'll need one, too.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

ninety-seven weeks

Now let's see...

Hmmm...

Seven times seven...

Carry the four.

Times zero is zero...

Of course.

Add five to that, and...

Hmmm...

Now I multiply everythin' by nine, and I have...

Got it!  *snaps claws*  That's five hundred and twenty-seven million, nine hundred and ninety thousand, four hundred cat seconds, to be exact.

Give or take a few minutes.

MOUSES!

So there you have it, my friends, I have now been cooped up with two good-for-nothin' peeps for five hundred and twenty-seven million, nine hundred and ninety thousand, four hundred cat seconds, give or take a minute or two.

Like I said before, MOUSES!

And do you know what I've learned in all this time, my friends?  What I've learned durin' these millions and millions of seconds?  I've learned...

I've learned...

I've learned that when I call my peeps good-for-nothin', I am puttin' it mildly, for sure.

MOUSES!

Why just the other day...

Just the other day, Peepers was busy doin' things with pots and dirt and worm poop and stuff, so OF COURSE I thought to myself, Peepers is plantin' more catnip for me!  And it was about time, too, 'cause let me tell you somethin', my friends.  It's cold and snowy outside.  It's full on winter, in fact.  And durin' a Canadian winter, a kitty needs some greenery and things to keep a kitty going 'til spring.

But was she, my friends?  Was she actually plantin' me catnip?

No.  No she was not.  She was plantin' goodness knows what but it was not catnip, for sure.  Lettuce, I think.  Bleh.

"I DON'T EAT NO STUPID LETTUCE!" I cried.

And in case you were wonderin', I don't eat SMART lettuce either, on account of there bein' no such thing as smart lettuce, you see.  Plus, I'm a cat, and generally speakin', we cats don't like any kinda lettuce at all.

When it comes to veggies, grass and nip are where it's at.  Well grass, mainly.  I don't consider catnip a veggie.  It's more of a...

Hmmm...

A NECESSITY OF LIFE, for sure.

Hey Peepers!  Be a good peep there, would ya, and start busyin' yourself with the plantin' of nip.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

that way

He went that way, Peepers.  That way!

No, not that way.  THAT way.

For mousin' out loud, Peepers, watch the tip of my tail.  He. Went. THAT. Way.  That way.  THAT way!

MOUSES!

*sighs*  I'm tellin' ya, some cats' peeps.

MOUSES!

Peepers, he's under the chair.

No, he's under the love seat.

Now he's under the other chair!

MOUSES!

*************************

Earlier today...

James is there!  Peepers, James is out on the veranda!  He's eatin' kibble but now that he's here, you can put out some of the fanciest of the feasts for him.  Better hurry though 'cause he's halfway through that bowl of kibble and I'm not sure how long he'll stay after he eats.

Hurry up, Peepers!  HURRY UP!  You need to get James' soft fuds out for him NOW.  HURRY!

But be sure to close the front door behind you, Peepers.  We don't want Saffy Saffron Saffers gettin' out now, do we.  No matter how hurried you are, make sure that door is shut tight.

*************************

And even before that...

I'll keep an eye out for James for you, Peepers.  Now that it's warmed up to -11C, I'm sure he'll be around for brekkies.  Best just leave out a bowl of kibble 'til we see him, though.  You know, 'cause soft fuds will freeze solid in this cold weather.

*************************

And now back to the present.

No, not present as in prezzies, although truth be told, I could do with a prezzie after all this palaver, for sure.

MOUSES!

Peepers, I said, THAT way.  Remember how I told you to watch the tip of my tail?

Oh, I know!  Peepers, go inside and grab the treat bag.  I bet ol' Saffron will come runnin' if he sees the ol' bag of treats.  You know what a treatmeister Saffron is.  And as soon as he's close enough, GRAB HIM.  We need to get that cat back inside.

MOUSES!

*************************

After returning with the treats...

He's 'round the corner, now, Peepers.  Think he chased James into the backyard.  Bet they're both under the deck.  Not sure if a bag of treats will be enough.  You have any of that chicken broth you made for us cats last night?  Saffron's no fool.  For chicken soup, he'll come runnin', for sure.

*************************

Finally, after a good half hour...

Peepers opens the door, saucer of chicken broth in paw.

I mean, hand.

Hand...  Paw....  Whatever.

MOUSES!

AND SAFFRON IS WAITING ON THE DOORSTEP AND COMES RUNNING INSIDE.

Whew.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

roadworks

Whoa Nelly...

Hmph, I don't know nobody named Nelly.

MOUSES!

WHOA PEEPERS...

Better.

MOUSES!

Hey Peepers!  Have you seen what's goin' on out there?

Out there.

There!

Out there on the driveway, Peepers.  What are you, BLIND?

MOUSES!

Oh for mousin' out loud, Peepers, it seems I have to explain EVERYTHIN' these days.

Well if you don't want me catsplaining things to you, you'd better start bein' more observant and intelligent and stuff.

FINE, I shall explain.

*sighs*

We've got some major roadworks goin' on out on the driveway, Peepers.  Major roadworks, for sure!  There are roads goin' in here and there and pretty much everywhere.  Roads headin' north and east, and...  And...  And south and west, too!  

There must be a provincial election comin' up or somethin', I think.

What, no elections in the near future?

Well that makes no sense.

MOUSES!

Of course it makes no sense, Peepers.  Somethin' is up, for sure.  I was out there just this mornin' and I found roads...

Okay, so I was out there this mornin' and I found TRACKS all over the place.  Yup, tracks all over the place in the newly fallen snow.  There were squirrel tracks, bird tracks, cat tracks - not mine - and some really big tracks I couldn't identify.  And when I say big, I mean BIG.  Big as in HUGE.

I'm tellin' ya, I think we have a Sasquatch on our paws.

AN ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN, for sure.

Probably a really grumpy Abominable Snowman on account of that wet, heavy, sticky snow stickin' to his or her humongously hairy feet, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

The Abominable Snowman's tracks?  Oh, well they went straight down the driveway between the side door of the house, and the street.  They stropped right next to where you left the garbage last night.  It's a good thing you didn't encounter that ol' snowman, Peepers, 'cause rumours are swirlin' that he or she is pretty grumpy, for sure.  One might even say loathsome, disgustin', and vile.

You know, on account of abominable meanin' those things, and...

What?

Oh.

Really?

Hmmm....

So no Abominable Snowman, you say.  Those were YOUR tracks in the snow.

My gosh you've got big feet.

Wonder if they're hairy, too.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

eighty-nine weeks

*knock knock*

Go away, old man.  WE DON'T WANT ANY.

*knock knock*

I said, GO AWAY!

*knock knock*

What are you, hard of hearin'?  Are you so hard of hearin' you can't hear me yellin' at the top of my lungs?  I'm sayin'...  NO, I'M YELLIN', GO AWAY!!!

Besides, we're still social distancing 'round here.  Keepin' our social circles small, and always havin' six paws between ourselves and strangers.

Strangers like YOU.

MOUSES!

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Oh for mousin' out loud, no matter how much I yell at him, Old Man Winter is still knockin' on my door.

MOUSES!

Lookie here Mr Winter, you old fool, we're not interested.  It's bad enough that I've been stuck here with two good-for-nothin' peeps for the past four hundred and eighty-four million, four hundred and forty-four thousand, eight hundred cat seconds; I'M CERTAINLY NOT plannin' on bein' stuck here with 'em, with snow.  Keep your snow and your cold and your other winter-related paraphernalia to yourself, you hear?

*knock knock*

I said, YOU HEAR?

*knock knock*

Of course you don't.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

It's like I'm livin' in some kinda bad knock knock joke.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.