the bully

I'm bein' bullied.

Cyber-bullied, that is.

MOUSES!

Well technically, it's the peep who's bein' bullied.

No...  No, I think it might be me.

Or maybe it's actually us both.

MOUSES!

So anyway....

So anyway, this is the message Peepers found over on FB, the other day.  "Learn how to write English.  You're such a liar.  First you claim to be a university graduate, then you claim to have an award winning blog.  Both are lies.  Canada doesn't give awards to blogs and you never even attended highschool.  You can't even write English.  I'm going to report you."

Now, as you can imagine, Peepers was pretty upset by this whole thing, as was I.  Peepers was so upset, she had to break into a fresh package of mint-chocolate Oreo cookies.  Thank goodness she had 'em on paw.  But bein' a cat, chocolate stuff doesn't appeal to me.  I will, however, admit to gettin' a little...  Scratch that.  I will, however, admit to gettin' a LOT nipped.  Oh yeah, I got super duper nipped after readin' that message, for sure.

MOUSES!

And now let's take a closer look at this message, shall we?

First of all, I know how to "write English" but, as you're all aware, I'm also a cat.  We cats often take a few liberties when writin' and, bein' cats, WE'RE ALLOWED to do just that.  Bein' cats, we're allowed to do anythin' we like!  Kinda goes without sayin'.

MOUSES!

Secondly, I never ever claimed to be a university graduate.  Not even once!  I'm a cat.  Cats don't go to university and that's a fact.  Okay, so one or two kitties MIGHT have snuck into a university class here and there, to watch a professor professorin' whilst sittin' on a vacant chair but I, Seville the Cat, have never done anythin' like that.  I'm not allowed to cross the road, you see, and there'd be a whole lotta roads to cross for me to get all the way to a university.  Peepers, however, did graduate from university.  She has one of those paper scroll thingies and everythin'.

MOUSES!

Now 'bout my havin' an award-winnin' blog.  Everyone knows I won the Nose-to-Nose Best Blog Writin' Award at BlogPaws way back when, right?  No, it wasn't a Canadian award; the Nose-to-Nose Awards were global.  Nerissa's Life IS an award-winnin' blog and I have a nice shiny trophy to prove it.

FACT.   

Highschool?  I think she meant high school 'cause highschool isn't a real word.  But did I attend?  No.  Same thing that applies to universities also applies to high schools.  Cats don't need school.  Peepers did go to high school, though, and graduated, too.

MOUSES!

Now about this reportin' me thing.

Hmmm...

Well all I've got to say 'bout that is...

You guessed it...

MOUSES!

But the big ol' bully didn't stop there.  OH NO, she went further still, leavin' messages on Peepers' Facebook profile like, "Award winning blog?  Please don't make such a statement, there's no such thing as an award winning blog.  How dare you make such a claim.  Are you an attention seeker?" and "I just read this blog.  What a bunch of nonsense and you can't even write English.  Award winning ... Yeah, for worst blog ever!!!"

MOUSES!

Again, Nerissa's Life IS an award-winnin' blog - FACT - which is why I can make such a claim.  Am I an attention seeker?  OF COURSE I AM!  I'm a cat.  Attention seekin' is kinda what we cats do.  Cats are always lookin' for attention, especially of the chin tickles and behind-the-ear scritches kind.  And I believe we've already discussed how we cats take liberties when writin'.  We get to.  We're cats.

As for winnin' an award for the WORST blog ever... 

Well...

Well, I'll take what I can get.  If this bully wants to give me a nice shiny trophy for winnin' the Worst Blog Ever Award, I'll accept it.  Trophies are always nice.  But it had better be shiny.  Really shiny, for sure.  And big, too.  And I think there should be some kinda monetary prize accompanying said trophy.  That would be nice.  BUT, bein' the easy-goin' kinda kitty that I am, in lieu of a monetary prize, I'll gladly accept a nice big bag of the nip.  After all, I'd probably take the money and use it to BUY nip, anyway.  This way, we get rid of the middle man.

MOUSES!

So yeah, I've got a big ol' bully on my paws, it seems.  A big ol' bully, for sure.  What I'm gonna do about this, I don't yet know.

But just to be on the safe side...

Just to be prepared...

Well, for starters, I'm savin' up all the litter from the ol' litter box.  USED litter, that is.  A few more trips to the little boys' box and I'll have enough to ship off, SPECIAL DELIVERY, just for her.

Which brings me to the question...

Anyone out there know if used litter is considered hazardous material by Canada Post?

Just askin' for a friend.

Who, I'm told, can't write English.

And is an attention seeker, to no end.

MOUSES!

that's funny

*sniff sniff*

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

Walkin' into the kitchen, I found my brother Anderson giving the air a good sniff.  "Whatcha sniffin' there, Andy?" I asked.  "Givin' the ol' peep hints about changin' the litter boxes?"

"No, the litter boxes are fine, Seville."

*sniff sniff*

*sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff*

"Are you sure?  'Cause you know, they don't call you Sir Fartsalot for nothin'.  MOUSES!"

Anderson scowled at me.

I scowled right back.

"Seville, I heard Peep #1 talking, and she said something about something being funny.  So I thought I'd sniff out whatever she was talking about.  If you remember, the last time the peep smelled something funny, it was cream that had gone off.  I'm hoping that's what it is again."

I sat back on my haunches and looked my brother up and down.  "You know, it's doin' stuff like sneakin' cream that got you the name Sir Fartsalot in the first place.  MOUSES!"  I stood up on all fours and added, "You, my lactose intolerant, long-haired marmie freak brother of mine, are not allowed to have cream."

"But if it smells funny the peeps aren't going to take it!" Anderson cried.

"And neither should you," I said with a flourish of my tail.

At that very moment, my other long-haired marmie freak of a brother, Rushton, entered the room.

"Guys, the word funny does have other meanings, you know.  It can mean strange, too."  Rushton looked closely at Andy.  "Maybe the peep was telling you you were strange."

"She wouldn't do that!" Andy exclaimed.

"Would too!" Peep #1 cried from the family room.

All three of us marmalade cats dropped our jaws in unison.  I looked at Andy.  Andy looked at Rushton.  Rushton looked at me.  Then we all turned to the family room, before getting up to march our way over to the peep and demand an explanation.

"But don't worry, that wasn't what I was doing," smiled the peep as we entered the room.  "I wasn't talking about any of you being strange."

"So you were talking about cream bein' off?  About cream smelling funny?" Anderson queried.

The peep looked perplexed, but only for a moment.  She's used to Andy askin' stupid questions, you see, so she has learned to ignore 'em.  It took her a while but eventually she figured that out. Figured out about ignorin' stupid questions, I mean.

"Seville," the peep began, "I was talking about you."

"WHAT?  I'M NOT FUNNY!  MOUSES!"

"Yes you are," the peep grinned.  "But not in the way you boys were discussing.  I was talking about how your blog is humorous and makes people laugh."

"OH YEAH!" and I slapped a paw to my forehead. "My blog can be funny, in a humorous kind of way."

"Should you really be encouraging him, Peepers?" Rushton asked under his breath. "You know how he uses that blog of his to mock Anderson and me."

"That's not true!" I cried.  I glanced about at the faces in the room.  "Okay, so it's a little true, but seriously, long-haired marmie freak brothers of mine, I mock the peep way more than I mock either of you.  Peep #1 has proven herself to be highly MOCKABLE, if you know what I mean."

Peep #1 furrowed her eyebrows.

"Truth hurts, doesn't it, Peepers." I stated.  "But it's not my fault you do such odd things."  I rubbed my chin with a paw.  "Hmmm...  Odd, strange, stupid, funny...  Whatever."

Peep #1 pursed her lips.  "Seville, I have half a mind not to tell you this but..."

"Half a mind?  Half a mind?  Only HALF?  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" and I rolled onto my back in a fit of giggles.

"As I said," Peep #1 continued through gritted teeth, "I have half a mind not to tell you this, but..."  and she raised a finger, warning me not to start laughing again.

"But Seville, Blogpaws announced the finalists for the 2017 Nose-to-Nose Awards last night, and..."

"And Seville is winnin' some funny smelling cream?" Andy interjected.  "Because if he is, I want in on that action, too.  Seville, that's gotta be THE BEST PRIZE, EVER."

Again, the peep looked perplexed, but giving her head a good shake, she continued.  "Seville, your blog is one of four finalists for Best Pet Humor Blog."  She stood up, and walking over to me, she bent down and scooped me up into her arms.  "Congratulations my big orange dude.  You're a finalist!"

I narrowed my eyes.  "But if you were talkin' about my blog, how come you were tellin' Andy somethin' smelled funny?  And how come you were tellin' Rushy I was strange.  And..."

"Seville, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.  I said no such things.  What I said was, Seville will be very pleased to hear he's funny."

"AS IN STRANGE?"

"No, as in funny.  Funny...  Making people laugh and..."

"You're sure, Peepers?  You're absolutely positively sure?  I just want you to be really, really clear. You're talking 'bout funny as in humorous, right?  You're not sayin' my writin' is odd or smells weird like cream that is off or..."

"Or about that time when I snuck some cream when no one was looking, and you called me Sir Farsalot?" Andy asked.

The peep ignored Anderson's question.  Sometimes ignoring Andy's questions is best.

"Yes Seville, I'm talking about funny as in humorous," the peep said reassuringly.

"Well in that case, THIS IS GREAT!  No, this is better than great. This is absolutely mousin' fantastically amazingly mousetastic!  MOUSES!!!" And with that, I tucked my head under the peep's chin and began to purr, allowin' her to give me a good cuddle.

And in a very quiet voice - almost a whisper - Andy asked, "Does this mean I'm not getting any cream?"

home improvements with Seville

Hello there.  I'm Seville and WELCOME to my new home improvement show, Home Improvements with Seville.

Today I'm gonna show you how to panel a wall.

Now you might be wondering why I, Seville the Cat, am interested in panelling walls and truth be told, I was kinda wondering 'bout that myself, especially when I discovered just how hard wall panelling is to do.

Did you know that if you're a cat without opposable thumbs, you need to use both front paws to hold the hammer while hammering?

Did you know that when you use both front paws to hold a hammer while hammering, you have to balance on your two back paws?

Did you know that balancing on your two back paws while hammering with a hammer with your two front paws is super hard to do?  Did you?  DID YOU?  I do.  NOW.  MOUSES!

One moment I was doing the ol' balancing act on my two rear paws while hammering away with the hammer and the next moment?  Why I was down on my tail, and there was a hammer flying - no, soaring - through the air like it had grown wings or something.

And let me tell you, my friends, what goes up must always come down.  MOUSES!

Luckily for me, the peep didn't really need that ol' china mug anyway.  She still has the other ones in the set.  Those others were meant to be back-ups, I do believe.  Good thinking on the peep's part when she ordered four of 'em, way back when.

And it's not like it was one of my water or food dishes or anything actually important.  MOUSES!

But speaking of tails, I have a word of advice.  Well technically, I have more than one word but nevertheless...  Never let your tail drift between the hammer and what you are hammering.  MOUSES!

Now back to the panelling of the walls.

Why, you might ask.  Why would a cat like me wanna panel the walls of his office?  Well I'll tell you why, for sure.


Nerissa's Life, the blog, has had the good fortune to be named as a FINALIST for BEST HUMOR BLOG in the 2016 BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Pet Blogging & Social Media Awards.  This is a great honour, for sure.  One of the greatest honours, in fact, that can be bestowed upon a cat.  Or a dog.  Or even a rat!

To be one of the four finalists this year...  WOW. Let's just say, I've been pretty nipped up since I heard on Tuesday and truth be told, there's still more nipping to do.  MOUSES!

And I'm in such good company.  Amazing company. My good pal Erin from Erin the Cat (Princess) - she's a princess, you know, Katie & Waffles from GLOGIRLY and MK & BC from Momma Kat and Bear Cat are all finalists, too!!!  All such funny blogs.  Stiff competition, for sure.  Just about the stiffest I could ever have imagined.

But I know, you're asking yourselves, Why the mouses is Seville not getting to his point and more importantly, WHAT the mouses does all this has to do with panelling walls and a home improvement show?

Very good questions, indeed.

So here's the thing.  It turns out that the four finalists were chosen, and the winner will be chosen, by a panel of judges.  A panel of judges.  A PANEL, my friends, of judges.  You see where I'm going here, right?

Clearly, the judging of this here award involves panels and panelling so you can imagine how distraught I was to discover that I have no panelling at all.  I, Seville the Cat, am panel-less!

Well I was panel-less until I started my new home improvement show and prepared for this episode on panelling.

Well actually...  Technically...  If you really wanna to get down to the nitty-gritty of things...  I still kinda am panel-less on account of this panelling thing being way harder than I thought it would be. MOUSES!

Excuse me for a mo.

PEEPERS...  I need another bag of ice for my tail!  The stuff you gave me before has all gone and melted on me.

Like literally on me.  Literally.  My fur is all wet from the melted ice and everything.  MOUSES!

Anyway, the plan is that once I get these panels up, I'll need to find me some judges and then figure out a way to incorporate 'em into the panelling.   We'll do that in episode two.

Episode three of Home Improvements with Seville will discuss the need of a good supply of ice when doing home improvements with hammers.  Especially when using those hammers while nipped.  MOUSES!

                               *****************************************

You can check out all forty-eight finalists, in this year's twelve categories, by visiting the BlogPaws announcement, on their site.  Simply click on the Nose-to-Nose Awards' name, highlighted in red, up above.

major FAIL!

But of course, it's all the peep's fault.

"Let me get those links for you," she said.  "Don't worry, there's plenty of time," she said.  "I have it under control," she said.

"MOUSES!" said I and gave Ol' Peepers a failin' grade.  FAIL !!!

Today's post was supposed to be a post in celebration of several wonderful awards with which my pals have honoured me.  After officially acceptin' these awards, I was gonna honour some more of my pals by passing along those very same awards but then some stuff came up that was of a somewhat urgent nature.  Then the peep offered to get me the links for everything and then... then...  then the peep never produced the necessary links. She said the post was gettin' a little long-winded.  LONG-WINDED IS WHAT I DO BEST!  Does my peep not understand my writing style?  MOUSES!

So long story short (as if), I'm gonna be doin' this post in two parts although the second part may not follow for a week or two.  Again I say, MOUSES!

I'm gonna start with some beggin'.  That's right, I'm coming to you on bended knee, beggin' for stuff. And remember, one of my knees was bionicized after my little accident so I'm beggin', bionic style!

Did you know that I was nominated in the Canadian Blog Awards?  It's true!  I'm super happy about this but it is a voting competition and therefore, I must beg for votes.  It's pretty easy to do though. The voting part is easy.  Begging, not so much.

Anywho...  if you click right here on Canadian Blog Awards, you'll be whisked off to Election Headquarters where you can vote.  You can vote once in each of the various polls, I do believe. Votin' is open worldwide.  Although it's the Canadian Blog Awards, you do NOT have to be Canadian to vote.  Pretty neat, huh?  Yup, it sure is.  Almost forgot...  votin' ends on February 22nd so you'll want to get your votes in before then.

I've been nominated in three categories...  BEST PET BLOG, BEST FUNNY BLOG and BEST BLOG POST.  Now here is where it gets kind of complicated but just a tad complicated, really.  Apparently, I have four of the five nominations for Best Blog Post.  This is a bit of a problem 'cause I'm in real danger of splitting my vote and losing to that other cat.  Actually, I think he or she is a peep and not cat.

But anywho...  because of this vote splittin' - which should not be confused with vole spittin' - thing, I'm askin' that my pals who wish to support me, concentrate their votes on just two of the four posts.  "A wild goose chase" is super funny, I think, and "because neglect STILL isn't workin'!" is far more serious but a really important issue.  With votes bein' concentrated on those two nominations for Best Blog Post, my odds should improve.

So here I am, on bended knee...  WON'T YOU PLEASE VOTE FOR ME?

But the begging isn't over.  I wish to beg a little more.

Nominations for the BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards are currently open but will close on February 12th.  I would so love to be a finalist again this year.  Last year, I even won an award.  Do I dare hope to do so again?  Well, not if not nominated and that, my friends, brings me to the additional begging part.

I'm hopin' that some of my readers will consider nominating Nerissa's Life in a category or two.  In order to place a nomination, you'll need to teleport on over to the nomination page which can be done easily enough by clicking right here on BlogPaws.  See!  Easy peasy as they say.  But there is some information you'll need in order to make the nominations.  I shall now endeavour to provide you with such.

You'll need Peep #1's name, Jennifer Niemi.  You're also gonna need a contact e-mail.  We'll use her handy-dandy Facebook e-mail which is  jennifer.niemi.10 (at) facebook (dot) com  if that's okay with everyone.

I'm really hopin' to be nominated for BEST CAT BLOG.  For that, all you need is the aforementioned information along with the blog name, Nerissa's Life and its URL, www.NerissasLife.com which, of course, you already knew.

Then there's the BEST HUMOUR BLOG category.  I looked through all my posts and came up the following, any of which - I think - could make the cut for a nomination.

- "a car and some coupons"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/12/a-car-and-some-coupons.html
- "I never lied"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/11/i-never-lied.html
- "a wild goose chase"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/10/a-wild-goose-chase.html
- "operation FLEA"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/10/operation-flea.html

But you might have a different favourite you'd like to nominate and, of course, I would love for you to do that.

And what about the BEST BLOG POST category?  Again, I picked out four of my favourites but you might very well prefer another.  Perhaps even one of the ones mentioned for Best Humour?

- "because neglect STILL isn't workin'!"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/10/because-neglect-still-isnt-workin.html
- "e is for ekiscatics"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/06/e-is-for-ekiscatics.html
- "just call me houdini"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/06/just-call-me-houdini.html
- "the adventure continues"
   http://www.nerissaslife.com/2013/07/the-adventure-continues.html

And last but not least, the BEST PET BLOG PHOTO category.  Normally I wouldn't have a picture on paw that was suitable for such a prestigious nomination but as luck would have it, this year proves to be an exception.  I might just have one that can squeak by.  Do you see that picture way up at the top of this blog post?  The one with me in the goggles I wore for my laser treatments after havin' my knee bionicized?  Well, I'd love to enter that one.  Yes indeedy, I would.

To nominate a picture, one needs a direct link to it that picture for the judges to use.  That link would be...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=279653015506876&set=pb.100003865383579.-2207520000.1391922762.&type=3&theater

Whew! it's a long one.  Kind of like my blog posts.

And once more, here I am on bended knee...  WON'T YOU PLEASE NOMINATE ME?

Now for the best stuff of all!  My BFF Herman, from the amazin' blog It's a Wonderpurr Life, created a brand-spankin' new award in my honour.  Receivin' this was such a proud moment for me, my friends.  Words cannot do it justice.  Never before have I had an award created in my honour.  Apparently, Herman is gonna award one anipal the Nerissa the Cat Award (gotta LOVE the name) at the end of every year but I am the very first recipient ever.  Probably 'cause my name is Nerissa and all.

WOW!  What an amazin' award and a great honour, for sure. Thank you my friend.  I am humbled beyond words.  Yeah, yeah...  I know...  this blog post is running in the 'longer than ever before' category because of all the words but still, I am truly honoured.  Just perhaps not entirely wordless.  THANK YOU HERMAN.

One last thing.  My gift to all of you via Facebook.  If you haven't already heard, Facebook gave everyone with timelines their own personal movie to celebrate Facebook turnin' ten.  Well, I don't have a timeline 'cause the peep cheaped out on me and just got me a fan page but she has a timeline and so she got a movie.  Turns out, the powers-that-be over on Facebook recognized that I was far better lookin' than the peep and far, far more photogenic.  In true form I, Nerissa the Cat, photobombed the peep's movie.  You can see my starrin' movie role here in MY very own facebook movie.  Just click here on Nerissa's Facebook Movie and you'll be teleported to the movie theatre where my movie is currently playin'.  GOTTA LOVE IT!

So that's all for today, folks.  My beggin' is finally over.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna head on over to BlogPaws and make some nominations of my own.  I've got tonnes of pals who are truly deservin' in a whole whack of those categories so I've gotta start nominatin' now before nominations close on the twelfth.  Hmmm...  now where did I put that link....   MOUSES!