I SAID, ATTENTION CLASS, today we will be discussin' social distancin' rules.
And I'd appreciate it if you'd at least TRY to pay attention.
Honestly, we've been at this pandemic stuff for the past three hundred and fifty-three million, eight hundred and eight thousand cat seconds. You'd THINK peeps would understand all 'bout this by now.
But you know peeps...
So social distancin' measures 101, lesson one: Keep two metres - that's six paws for you non-metric peeps - between you and all other peeps outside your household bubble, school and work cohorts, and immediate social circles at all times, ESPECIALLY if you're not wearin' masks.
Social distancin' measures 101, lesson two: KEEP MORE THAN TWO METRES - that's more than six paws for you non-metric peeps - between you and any bears you happen to encounter while out on an evenin' walk.
I know, I know... I know what you're thinkin'. You're thinkin', bears don't spread COVID. You're thinkin' that bears aren't a part of this whole pandemic, public health protocol thing, and you know what?
Well actually, you'd be right about that.
But the thing is...
THE THING IS, KEEPIN' A GOOD DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND A BEAR IS STILL A VERY GOOD IDEA.
Yes, I'm talkin' to YOU, Peepers.
So the other night, Peepers was out for an evenin' stroll when she heard weird noises comin' from someone's yard. First she thought it was the peeps who live in that house - whom she does know - doin' somethin' weird in their garden, makin' those weird noises and stuff. Truth be told, however, to make noises that weird you'd have to be doin' somethin' REALLY, REALLY weird, for sure.
Even more weird than usual.
OR YOU'D HAVE TO BE A BEAR.
Turns out, even black bears - who previously to this evening encounter, Peepers always considered to be cousins once removed from your standard ol' teddy - ARE A WHOLE LOT BIGGER THAN YOU THINK, WHEN REALLY CLOSE UP.
That's right, Peepers found herself starin' face to face, 'bout ten paws away, from a Big ol' Black Bear.
In other words, Peepers saw the bear, and...
AND THE BEAR. SAW. HER.
Social distancin' measures 101, lesson three: KEEP AT LEAST TWENTY PAWS BETWEEN YOU AND A BEAR. Thirty, if you can manage it but twenty, at least. And don't assume the bear will maintain that twenty, thirty paw distance. You, yourself, must be on the ball and make sure the distance is maintained.
Not all bears know how to social distance, you see.
And there's one more little social distancin' lesson I would like to add.
Now pay close attention class. This is very, very important, for sure.
Social distanin' measures 101, lesson four: When encounterin' bears, if the bear should decide not to obey social distancin' rules...
Make sure you have a pal or buddy with you!
Six paws away, of course. That goes without sayin'.
A pal or buddy who can't run as fast as you.
'Cause you know what they say...
They say, you don't have to be able to outrun the bear. You just need to be able to outrun the guy standin' next to you.
Or somethin' like that.
Remember to mask up, too.