fifty-nine weeks

Boy-oh-boy, Peepers.  I'm tellin' ya.  I've had you stuck here at home now, ON MY PAWS, botherin' and pesterin' me to no end for like...

*claws fly as I do some quick calculations on the calculator*

For like three hundred and twenty-one million, one hundred and forty-eight thousand, eight hundred cat seconds.  And in all that time...

In all that time...

YOU'VE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN' AT ALL.

'Cept bother me, of course.

MOUSES!

And so it is with this in mind that I, Seville the Cat, am takin' matters into my own four paws and institutin' some changes around here.  For starters, you're goin' back to school.  Yeah, you heard that right, Peepers.  YOU are goin' back to school.  Home schoolin'.  It's all the rage right now, you know, what with schools in Nova Scotia havin' been shut down last week and everyone switchin' to on-line learnin'.  So...

So I, Seville the Cat, have some teachin' to do.  Yeah, you heard that right, too, Peepers.  I'm gonna be your teacher these next few weeks.

MOUSES!

Lesson number one: PLANT IDENTIFICATION FOR DUMMIES.  I mean, peeps.

Peeps...  Dummies...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

Okay, now let's take a look at these green plant thingies growin' in the tubs with your roses, shall we?  You know the ones.  The ones that appeared outta nowhere - AGAIN - this spring, on account of some stuff self-seedin' and whatnot last year.

So you've got your stench-of-the-citrus lemon balm, and your wrong-kinda-nippy minty peppermint.  Oh, and we mustn't forget the worse-than-a-swarm-of-wasps stingin' nettle.  Then, pushin' all that junk stuff aside, we have the good stuff.  The stuff we WANT to grow.  The CATNIP, of course.  Got that, Peepers?

No?  Well were you listenin' to what I just said?  If you were listenin', you should understand this stuff by now.  My gosh you're a slow one, aren't ya.

Not a question.  Statement of fact.

MOUSES!

Let's start again.  See this one, here?  That's lemon balm.  Reeks of lemon, it does.  REEKS!  One of the stinkiest stinks on the face of the Earth.  Worse than just about anythin', I think.  But if you wanna touch it or give it a sniff - although it's beyond me why anyone would actually want to sniff a stench like that - you can.  Just be prepared for a feelin' of nausea that may overtake you when the stinky stench reaches your brain.

Okay, time to move on.  Now here we have the peppermint.  It smells way better than the lemon balm.  Of course, EVERYTHIN' does.  Smells better, but not necessarily good.  It's all relative, you see.  And it doesn't smell nearly as nice as catnip.  Of course.  Again, this one is safe to touch and sniff and luckily for you, the side effects of the smell aren't as horrible as that of the lemon stuff.

MOUSES!

Now let's move on to the stingin' nettle.

DON'T TOUCH!

*rolls eyes*

Don't touch it again, I should say.  With the number of times you've grabbed hold of nettles, Peepers, you'd THINK you would have learned by now not to touch the stuff.  CLEARLY, you're slow on the uptake there.  CLEARLY!

Now as for smellin' the nettles, I don't recommend it.  It's not they stink, or anythin' like that.  I don't actually mind their smell, myself.  BUT if your nose is close enough to sniff 'em, your nose is probably close enough to get stung by 'em, too.

Again.

MOUSES!

And now we're onto the catnip.  The glorious, Heaven-sent Nepeta cataria.  It's related to the other plants we've covered today, but not stinky like the first two, and it never stings.

Gets a kitty high as a kite, sure, but never, ever stings.

PURRS

And now...

*excitedly rubs front paws together*

Now we've come to the practical laboratory part of today's lesson, Peepers.  Now I want you to weed out all the stench-of-the-citrus lemon balm and wrong-kinda-nippy minty peppermint, along with the worse-than-a-swarm-of-wasps stingin' nettle growin' in these here tubs of roses.  You can get rid of the roses, too, if you like.  I don't think much of 'em, anyway.  The catnip plants, however, need to be ever-so-carefully transplanted to better locations, and...

Oh for mousin' out loud, Peepers.  I thought I told you not to touch those stingin' nettles!  AGAIN.

*shakes head*

You really are the silliest peep ever.

Silliest...  Stupidest...  Whatever.

MOUSES!

***********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.