Oh good, you're up.
Peepers, I've got a bone to pick with you, I have. I have a bone to pick, for sure. Last night, when you went to bed, you left a glass of water on the family room coffee table.
What do you mean is that all? What do you MEAN? IS THAT NOT ENOUGH?
Well the thing is, Peepers...
The thing is, I left my favourite biff bag...
Okay, so they're all kinda my favourites, but last night, that particular biff bag was my absolute favourite and THAT one...
Well that's the one I left lyin' on the floor beside the coffee table, just beneath where you left that glass of yours.
What do you mean what is my point? What do you MEAN? CAN YOU NOT SEE WHERE I'M GOIN' WITH THIS?
Then let me explain. Peepers, at some point durin' the night - I don't rightly recall just when - I felt the need to check on my biff bag.
And then, at some later point durin' the night - honestly, I have no idea exactly when - I felt the need to hop up onto the coffee table.
And THEN, at some point while I was up on said coffee table - I'm thinkin' that would be about the time - I accidentally knocked down your stupid water glass, and...
AND THAT'S WHEN IT LANDED ON MY BIFF BAG.
No, Peepers, NO. No, it is not my fault at all.
HOW CAN YOUR LEAVIN' A GLASS OF WATER ON THE COFFEE TABLE BE MY FAULT? HOW?
Don't try to change the topic on me, Peepers. YOU left water in the glass and YOU left the glass on the table, and although I might have been the one to actually knock the glass down...
I COULD NEVER HAVE KNOCKED THE GLASS DOWN HAD YOU NOT LEFT IT ON THE TABLE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
No, there is no broken glass on the carpet.
No, the glass didn't break.
Wait a minute, Peepers. Why are you so concerned about the stupid glass? Did you not hear me? MY BIFF BAG WAS ON THE FLOOR BENEATH IT!
Beneath the glass, Peepers. Beneath the glass! I thought I had already explained all that. Boy-oh-boy you're slow on the uptake this early in the mornin'. Are you dazed on account of my wakin' you up at dawn? Or are you just dazed as in uh... Um... DAZED.
MY POINT IS, your stupid glass of water fell on my precious biff bag, and now the nip in my biff bag is all soggy and wet, and quite frankly, IT'S USELESS.
What am I gonna do about it, you ask? What are YOU gonna do about it is more like it. I hope you've remembered how to start up that ol' sewin' machine, Peepers, 'cause you're gonna have to make me some more biff bags.
Yes, MORE. More as in, MORE THAN ONE. You ruin one of my biff bags, Peepers, and you need to replace it with three. That's the rule 'round here, Peepers. That is the law.
What do you mean there's no such law? What do you MEAN? I just made that law up, right outta my head, so it HAS to exist, for sure, and...
Oh quit your gripin', woman. Get up out of bed. You have biff bags to sew.
And before you say another word, I know for a fact you were plannin' on bein' home all day anyway. Remember? You were plannin' on spendin' another day STAYIN' THE BLAZES HOME, just like Stephen McNeil said.
IF IN DOUBT,
DON'T. GO. OUT.
Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures
AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.