stupid groundhog

How much snow could a snowplough plough if a snowplough could plough snow?  Actually, quite a lot.  All depends upon how much snow you have to plough, you see, and lately, we've had quite a lot.

With three major snowstorms in a week and number four arrivin' sometime tomorrow, we've got the white stuff comin' out of our ears. And when I say comin' our of our ears, I mean, it's literally comin' out of our ears.  I went outside this mornin' for my daily constitutional and when I returned twenty-seven seconds later, there was snow comin' out of my ears.  It got in there when I accidentally brushed past a three foot wall of snow Peep #1 had created while shovellin' a path from the back door to the car.  MOUSES!

There's white stuff all over the place.  It's here.  It's there.  It's everywhere.  Everywhere you look, there's white stuff.  Again I must say, MOUSES!

And let me tell you, my friends, I know exactly who to blame for all this snow...  Shubenacadie Sam.  That ol' groundhog came out of his den on Monday mornin' and went and saw his shadow. Stupid groundhog.

It's all a matter of timin', you see.  That darned marmot came out to greet his waitin' public on Monday mornin'.  On Monday mornin', it was sunny.  No wonder he saw his shadow.  By late Monday afternoon, it was snowin'.  Snowin' and blowin'.  Had he come out then, there would have been no shadow to see.  Leave it to a groundhog to have a workin' alarm clock and not sleep in on Groundhog Day.  MOUSES!

Because of this shadow spottin', we're lookin' at another six weeks of winter.  SIX MORE WEEKS.  Six more weeks of cold and snow and more cold and more snow and then even more cold and even more snow.  Repeatin' the same thing over and over and over again.  It's gonna be like Groundhog Day every day.  It's like we're stuck in a temporal causality loop or somethin'.  MOUSES!

Or maybe not...

I read somewhere that Shubenacadie Sam's weather predictions aren't all that accurate.  On one site, a thirty-seven percent accuracy rate was bein' bandied about.  Thirty-seven percent, huh? That's really not all that great.  Sure, probably about the same as Environment Canada's but it leaves quite a lot of wiggle room, if you know what I mean.

Doin' the math we find find that a thirty-seven percent accuracy rate is the same as a sixty-three percent inaccuracy rate which means that if Shubenacadie Sam is predictin' six more weeks of winter, we have a sixty-three percent chance of an early spring. Now I like that math, for sure!

How much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog would hog ground? A lot!  They're very territorial, I hear.

Plus, they build these massive underground mansions for themselves. Every burrow even has its own bathroom chamber.  Bathroom chambers!  All I have is a litter box.  MOUSES!

I read somewhere that some of 'em even build more than one residence.  I'm thinkin' they must get a builders' discount or somethin' on account of their buildin' their burrows, themselves.

You know, instead of settin' up multiple households, maybe some of those groundhogs should work on buildin' themselves a more accurate weather forecasting station.  Just thinkin'...  Just ponderin' the measly thirty-seven percent weather forecasting accuracy rate and thinkin' aloud.

But I'm probably just whistlin' dixie, thinkin' those whistle pigs might come up with some better accuracy rates for their weather forecastin' businesses.  MOUSES!

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?  Not much. Actually, none at all.  Woodchucks don't chuck wood, you see.

And since groundhogs are woodchucks, they don't chuck wood, either.  Guess that's why they build their burrows underground.  No wood required.

But if they were to start buildin' their dens above ground, they could put in a nice brick or stone fireplace.  Add a little romantic touch to their perhaps-not-so-humble abodes.  You know, settin' the mood for matin' season and all.

Apparently, in February the male groundhogs come out of hibernation, lookin' to see where the lady groundhogs have set up their burrows.   They're stakin' out the territory, gettin' ready for matin' season.  The ladies sleep in.

I've almost gotta feel sorry for the little guys.  At least for the celebrity ones who are in the limelight.  I mean, you wake up early on Groundhog Day mornin', gettin' ready to head outside and see where the ladies are livin' and the next thing you know, the paparazzi is there!  They're starin' at you and takin' pictures.  Cameras flashes are flashin' all over the place.  When you think about it that way, it's no wonder they head back to bed, afterwards, for a few more weeks of hibernation.

On the other paw, those celebrity groundhogs only have to work one day out to the whole year.  One day.  Out of the whole year.  SWEET.

Hmmm...  but if they're only workin' one, solitary day out of the whole year, you'd think they could do a better job of the job they do on that day.  I mean, a thirty-seven percent accuracy rate?  If you've got three hundred and sixty-four days to prepare for the test, you should at least be pullin' passin' grades, for sure.  MOUSES!