That's right. I have nip!
Santa was very good to us kitties on the nip front, this year. There were nip mice and biff bags galore. You know what biff bags are, don't you? They're little knitted bags containing nip that we cats can biff about. Thus the name, biff bags. Of course, since they contain nip, we don't do a lot of biffin' with them. More slobberin' than biffin', really. Nip is meant to be sniffed and licked and slobbered over... not biffed.
Anywho... Santa brought all of us cats toys with nip and so far, no one has peed on any of 'em. Yeah, it happens. Not this year though and thank goodness for that.
But my brother, Seville, peed on the peep. Yup, he peed on the peep, yesterday. Actually, he sprayed her. Yup, he sprayed Peep #1. It did not go over well. Guess he was lettin' her know she was his or somethin'. Don't know what got into him. The rest of us just rub up against the peeps' legs like normal cats do. MOUSES!
But back to the nip.
Santa wasn't the only one bearin' nip, this year. One of my amazin' bloggin' buddies sent me the most incredible nip that I have ever sniffed and believe you me, I, Nerissa the Cat, have sniffed some pretty fantastic nip in my time. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to reveal my pal's name. Might be a secret or somethin'. But I sure do wanna thank him 'cause let me tell you, that nip is incredible stuff. Mixed in with the nip is Valerian root and honeysuckle and a little cat mint, too. It's heavenly. Mouses that stuff is good.
Peep #1 has promised to do us up some fabric crinkle toys with that special nip blend. She's gonna do 'em up after the holidays are all over and things are gettin' back to normal. As if my house is ever normal. Excuse me while I drop everythin' and laugh myself silly for the next half-hour or so. I swear, my peeps live in a constant state of delusion. Deludin' themselves into thinkin' our house can be anythin' but confusing. Delusional confusion is the normal state of affairs 'round here. Yup, that's the normal state of affairs, for sure.
But once things are back to our normal state of delusional confusion, the peep is gonna do up those crinkle toys. Gonna make one for my pal who sent me the special nip blend, too. He's gonna love it 'cause you know, it's nip!
The peeps got us some nip, too. Well... sort of.
Under the Christmas tree, this year, I found a card from the peeps. In that card was a promissory note for full-grown nip plants in the spring. As soon as the nurseries open up for the season, Peep #1 is gonna head out and get us some nip plants. Nip plants we can plant in the garden, allowin' us to grow our very own nip.
Guess the peep has given up on growin' the stuff from seed. One dismal failure after another, that has been. Don't know what her problem is. The woman grows all sorts of stuff from seed. Even things like plumeria and linden trees.
Of course, plumeria and linden trees are useless to me. The only thing those plumies are good for is ten pin plumie bowlin' in the sunroom. Pretty good game when the plants are small but the bigger they get, the harder it is to knock 'em down in their pots, if you know what I mean.
And linden trees! Don't get me started on those. Oh yeah, they look pretty, growin' out there in the garden and whatnot but there are no horizontal branches on those trees. Totally useless for climbin'. Totally useless, for sure. MOUSES!
But give the peep a package of nip seed and you know what you get? Nothin'. Give her two packages of nip seed and do you know what you get? Nothin' times two. Give her three packages... You get the picture, I am sure. Doesn't matter how many times you multiply nothin' with somethin' you still end up with nothin'. Again I must say, MOUSES!
This time, the peep is gettin' grown-up plants, already growin' and everythin'. But with her track record on the nip growin' front, I don't think she can be trusted with those plants. No, these plants will be cared for by none other than me. I'm gonna be a nip farmer.
And remember how I asked Santa to bring Peep #1 a Growin' Nip for Dummies book for Christmas? Well that didn't happen. Santa ran into a slight problem with that. Apparently, the book on Growin' Nip for Dummies has not yet been written. He told me I should write one myself.
And I was all prepared to write that book, Growin' Nip for Dummies, too. I began with the title but then I thought... MOUSES! that can't be right. What is the Claus insinuating 'bout me?
To tell you the truth, I don't think Santa was insinuating anythin' but still, the title of the book threw me for a bit of a loop. It's all in how you say it, you see. It's a matter of interpretation.
Growin' Nip for Dummies... Is it a book written so that peeps like my peep can grow nip? Peeps who might have been exposed as dummies on the nip growin' front, before? OR is it a book 'bout growin' nip that you will then give to dummies. You know, nip FOR dummies. MOUSES!
I, Nerissa the Cat, may be a lot of things but a dummy I am not. No way, no how, can anyone call me that. Gotta rework the title of my book, I think. Probably a good idea, anyway. That dummy franchise thing-a-ma-jig has already been taken.
NIP GROWIN': Dumbed Down for a Certain Incompetent Peep. Kinda catchy, don't you think?
Anywho... As soon as the nip plants are available in the spring, I'll be gettin' mine and I'll plant 'em and water 'em and feed 'em with... Well actually, I'll supervise the peep doin' all that stuff. I'm gonna be more of a gentleman nip farmer, if you know what I mean.
I'll supervise the peep while she plants 'em and waters 'em and feeds 'em with whatever nip plants like to eat. I'm thinkin' it's not Fancy Feast or anythin' like that but whatever it is, it's gotta be good. Only the best for my nip plants, for sure. Gotta make sure that the peep gives my nip plants the very best of care.
This is gonna be the start of a whole new career for me. I've been savin' up my bottle money to invest in nip futures for what seems like forever. I'm sure I've got lots of bottle money saved up in my froggy bank.
I know, most cats have piggy banks but long, long ago I made the mistake of sendin' the peep out to get me a piggy bank and instead, she came home with one that is most definitely not a pig but rather, a frog. What a peep.
But whether it be a pig or a frog, it's still a bank. And it's the bank containin' all my bottle money and my potential investment in nip futures. I'm thinkin' that by growin' some nip myself...
Actually, I'm not sure what I'm thinkin'. I don't really think that's how these investment futures work. I need to figure that one out.
But in the meantime, I'm gonna start up my nip farm. With only a pawful of plants, it will be a rather small farm, at first. Kinda piddly, actually. But it's a start. That's what's important. My plants will grow and as they do, so will my farm. My nip-growin' farm... WONDERFUL. Yup, nip farmin'... HERE I COME. It's gonna be amazin'. Gonna be amazin', for sure. MOUSES!