Run Peepers! RUN!
RUN!!! Run for your life, Peepers! Run for all nine of them!
Oh yeah, you're just a peep. You only have the one life.
Means you have to run all the harder. Run!
RUN! Run like you've never run before!!!
Earlier that day...
Earlier that day, I spotted Peep #1 waving her arms around in the air and making weird sounds of distress. "Arr! Arrgh! Grrrr! MOUSES!" Stuff like that. Not her normal speech patterns at all. Oddly enough, I couldn't see who the recipient of the weird peep grunts and growls was. The peep appeared to be all alone. All alone with arms flailing while making weird noises. MOUSES!
Of course, I assumed the obvious. The peep had finally gone over the edge.
And they said that WE CATS would be the ones to drive her over the edge. Nothing doing. There wasn't a cat in sight. Besides, none of us have an actual driver's licence so clearly, we can't drive her anywhere let alone over some fictitious edge. MOUSES!
Unable to see anyone hanging around, ready to dress up the peep in a straight jacket, I then assumed that she was doing some sort of dance. Perhaps Peep #1 was thinking of auditioning for one of those television dancing shows. Dancing with the Peeps or something like that.
Of course, any delusions the peep may have had of being able to make it onto Dancing with the Peeps would be confirmation of the need for that straight jacket, for sure.
Then I thought... RAIN DANCE. Actually, that could still be a possibility as today... well... it rained. MOUSES!
Did I say rain? Actually, it poured but that's beside the point, I think. Or is it? Perhaps it was a very successful dance. Nah, it didn't look very successful to me.
Anyway, the peep was doing her thing, looking all weird and stuff and making silly noises when eventually she gave up on the dancing and came inside. "Those **** bugs!" she cried.
Ahhh... of course. Bug season. She had been swatting the bugs. Grunting and growling at them, too. Not sure what good grunting and growling does though. Do bugs have ears? I don't know. Do you?
"I have some stuff I can dab on the back of your neck, Peepers," I said. "Works for fleas and ticks. Might work for skeeters, too."
The peep just looked at me as if I was talking nonsense. MOUSES!
"Where's that candle..." she muttered.
"Candle!" I cried. "Candles are for decorating and sealing important letters. Why would you want that?"
"I bought a citronella candle last week..." and the peep started searching through my office.
Clearly, I needed to do something about this. Citronella sounded suspiciously like citrus and I, as a cat, have an aversion to lemons and oranges and the like. I don't like them one bit. No way was I going to have the peep stinking up the house with citrus!
"What you need, Peepers, is some nip," I suggested. "I've heard that by growing vast fields of nip all over the place, you can keep those skeeters at bay."
The peep stared blankly ahead as if she hadn't heard me at all. Was there something wrong with her hearing? MOUSES!
"Aha!" cried the peep with satisfaction. "Now where are those matches?"
I watched Peep #1 head out the door with her lit Citronella candle in tow. Well at least she was taking it outside, I thought to myself. At least she's not stinking up the house with that thing.
Shortly afterwards, the peep returned with her precious candle, it's flame extinguished. I peered inside the glass container only to see a dead skeeter. The darned things apparently
liked the smell of citronella and were drawn to it like moths to a.... Interesting. Moths to a
flame. MOUSES!
I looked up at the peep. She was looking kind of blotchy and stuff. Either she was allergic to that smelly candle or she had been exerting herself too much by flailing her arms about at those mosquitoes. Either way, she didn't look good.
"Do you know what you
really need, Peepers? What you
really need is a space suit," I suggested. "Those bugs will never get through that. You have a space suit on paw?"
And once
again the peep behaved as if she hadn't heard me. Was she being rude or were those little red bumps on her face causing her ear canals to swell? Skeeter bites, I muttered under my breath.
"You know, you really shouldn't let the mosquitoes bite you like that," I told her but it was like I was talking to deaf ears. MOUSES!
"Yeah, Peepers, you REALLY need a space suit and while you're at it, how about getting some make-up or something. I saw this show on television once where make-up artists made people up to look like aliens and monsters and..."
That got her attention. She looked at me quizzically.
"I'm not suggesting you get them to make you look like an alien, Peepers," I continued. "I just think that if they can do stuff like that, they can certainly hide that shiner of yours."
The peep appeared bewildered. Not the first time I've seen her looking like that. Probably won't be the last, either.
"The shiner.
Your shiner. You look like you have a black eye. Not a good look, Peepers. Actually, it's kind of gross. You need to do something about that. Cover it up or something. That's why I'm suggesting the make-up."
Clearly the peep was unaware that one of those mosquitoes had bitten her just under the eye and left a bit of a bruise. MOUSES!
And that's when I saw the peep grabbing the garden secateurs. "YOU CAN'T FIGHT SKEETERS WITH SECATEURS!" I hollered after her as she ignored me and headed out the door.
I watched from the window while Peep #1 walked over to a lilac bush and started cutting a bouquet of lilacs to bring into the house. Silly peep. Would she survive? Would I ever see her again?
Within minutes, Peep #1 was frantically waving her arms about in the air. Lilacs in one hand, secateurs in the other and the arm flailing was growing more and more frenzied. This was not good. One wrong move with those secateurs and... I closed my eyes, too scared to watch.
I dared to open one eye to take a peek. The peep was jumping up and down, doing the dance of all dances. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. And that's when it hit me. I decided that my best plan of action was to TAKE NOTES!
So I did my duty and called out to the peep to run away from the skeeters before sitting down at the computer and starting to type.
Large swarms of killer mosquitoes attacking silly peeps who think they can ward them off with smelly candles after an unusually long winter with record high snowfalls. All I needed to add was some government official forbidding anyone to utter the words
climate change or
global warming. You know, thereby encouraging the public to believe that all is well with the world even though it really isn't. And a love interest! These movies always have a love interest of some sort. Someone from the past. Not
time travelling past. Just someone the peep hasn't seen in a few years. And, of course, a major character or two will need to be killed off about two thirds in. Hmm... which neighbours do I like the least?
Oh my goodness, I've got the makings of a major prime-time, made-for-television, ratings-making movie here, for sure. MOUSES!
