the hypocrisy of peeps

Whatcha doin' there, Peepers?  Just what is it that you're doin'?

Actually...

Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably best you don't answer.  You know, pretend like you're pleadin' the fifth.  And I say pretend, on account of us not havin' that fifth pleadin' thing around here.

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you babblin' on about now?

I read.  I watch TV.  And some of it's even Canadian.

WHICH IS WHY I know all about all of these things.  I know all about how you can and cannot avoid self-incrimination, dependin' upon your locale.

Locale.  It means...

Oohhhh...  So Peepers knows what the word locale means.

Fancy.  

Schmancy.

Not.

MOUSES!

But now let's get back to this mess.

Yes, Peepers, mess.  Mess.  That's one right ol' mess you've got there.

WHICH IS WHY I didn't need you to self-incriminate yourself by answerin' my earlier question.  I, Seville the Cat, am perfectly capable of lookin' at what you're doin' AND SEEIN' WITH MY VERY OWN TWO EYES that what you are doin' is makin' a mess.

MOUSES!

And I think I would be remiss if I didn't point out the hypocrisy of your allowin' yourself to do somethin' like what you are currently doin', but complainin' when I do the same.  And I should also point out the unjustness and unfairness of it all, and...

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about NOW?

Why the mess, of course.  That big ol' mess you happened to make.

MOUSES!

You know, if I, Seville the Cat, were to track in copious amounts of soil and earth and...  Well let's just call a spade a spade - no pun intended - and say what it is: DIRT.  And if I, Seville the Cat, were to track copious amounts of DIRT into the house after diggin' in the garden, I'd be gettin' a right tellin' off, I would.  A right tellin' off, for sure.

Who am I kiddin'?  I'd be gettin' a right tellin' off just for doin' the diggin'!

So why-oh-why is it that you, Peepers, think it's okay for you to go diggin' in the garden for several hours before trackin' all this dirt into the house, when you know darn well that if I were to do the same, I'd be gettin' in trubs.

Trubs.  It's short for trouble.  That second syllable was slowin' me down.

MOUSES!

And THEN, as if that weren't enough, YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY to complain 'bout your muscles bein' sore?

WELL!

Well it serves you right, ol' Peepers-be-jeepers of mine.   All that diggin' and delvin' and makin' a mess FOR HOURS ON END was BOUND to make you all sore.  You might THINK you're a spring chicken but honestly, you're more like a grizzled old hen, and...

WHAT DID I SAY?

By gosh and by golly, some peeps get all offended by the littlest of things.

MOUSES!

And if ANYONE has a right to be offended, it's not her, but rather, it's me.  Why just last week, I spent a good hour diggin' in the garden right where she planted those stupid lettuce seeds, and what did I get?

NOTHIN' BUT GRIEF.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.

the nest

No you didn't, Saffron.  You did not invent that cat nest.

'Cause you didn't, that's why.  Had you invented it, you would have had to have made it yourself with an idea that came straight outta your head.  You would have had to have thought to yourself that somethin' like that cat nest had never ever, ever been available to cats anywhere in the world before, and you were gonna make one up to see if it worked.

And FYI, you would probably have had to use the sewin' machine to make it.

Which in case you had forgotten, you and I are not allowed to use.

MOUSES!

Why?  Why are we not allowed to use Peepers' sewin' machine, you ask?

Well...

Well, don't you remember the little incident you had with all the spools of thread scattered all over the livin' room floor, all partially unwound and tangled up with one another and...

Never mind.  That might have been me.

MOUSES!

But anyway...

But anyway, that sewin' machine stuff doesn't really matter.  Bottom line is, invented is the wrong word for you to use.  You're probably lookin' for a word more like...

What?  What's that, Saffy?  Discovered?

Hmmm...

Nope, discovered implies you are the FIRST kitty ever to encounter that cat nest up there in the guest room.  Like you were the first kitty ever, ever, EVER to come across that nest which was previously unknown to all the kitties in the whole wide world.  That's kinda what discoverin' means, you see.  Means you were the first.

Which you were not.

You were most definitely not the first kitty to ever encounter that cat nest on account of MY havin' used that nest more than a few times in all of my nine lives.

MOUSES!

What's that?  What's that you're askin' about, now?  Found?

Well...

Well to tell you the truth, you did kinda find the nest.  You weren't the first cat to find that ol' cat nest but you did, in fact, come across it and sorta find it, I suppose.  Kinda like when Peepers finds new and improved, extra tasty varieties of the fanciest of the feasts.  She doesn't invent 'em.  She doesn't discover 'em, either.  She just comes across 'em at the store and so, I suppose, finds might very well be the word.

Then we find 'em and they end up in our tummies.

MOUSES!

But back to the subject at paw.  Yes, Saffron, you did kinda find that ol' cat nest up in the guest room.

I suppose.

But...

But you know, I know a way better word for you to use, than found.  Yup, I know of a better word, for sure.  I think the word you're really lookin' for is...

Are you ready?

Good.

STOLE.  Saffron, I believe the word you're lookin' for is stole.

MOUSES!

'CAUSE I MIGHT HAVE BEEN WANTIN' TO CURL UP IN THAT CAT NEST, MYSELF, IS WHY.  IT'S A MIGHTY FINE CAT NEST, YOU SEE, AND SINCE I WAS HERE IN THIS HOUSE FIRST, AND THE NEST WAS HERE BEFORE YOU JOINED THE FAMILY...

Well...

Well obviously, that ol' cat nest is mine.

MOUSES!

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I HAVEN'T USED IT IN YEARS.

I was probably savin' it for good.  Savin' it for a special occasion, you see.  I was savin' it to use, myself.

And now it's all covered in smokey grey furs.

MOUSES!

*******************************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.