the ultimatum

Clickety-click click, clickety-click click click, clickety-click, clickety-click, clickety-click click click click click click.  Click!

Whew!  That was a whole lotta typin' to do.  Now to re-read and edit...  Hmmm...

Uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  Yup.  Yeah, that's the ticket, for sure.

And now to hit send.

Boy-oh-boy am I glad that's done.

MOUSES!

What?  What's that, Peepers?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

Oh, so you got my e-mail, did you?  Good.  And what, pray tell, might be your response?

Didn't quite hear that, ol' peep of mine.  Are you stayin' or are you goin'?  What did you decide?

Don't you go stickin' that e-mail in my face.  I KNOW what it says.  I wrote it, remember?

MOUSES!

Well it's like this, Peepers.  Overhead is high and productivity is low.  And the price of temptin' treats has gone up threefold, so we need to cut costs where we can.

So that you can keep me in the quantities of treats to which I've become accustomed, you see.

MOUSES!

WELL THAT'S WHY I sent that e-mail.  Either you agree to work twice as hard for twice as long, for half the pay, or you're out.  Out as in vamoose; as in sayonara; as in uh...  See ya later, alligator, OR NOT.

MOUSES!

It's all there in the e-mail I sent you.  You need to decide whether or not your stayin' by suppertime, tomorrow.  Either you're in, or you're out.  Either you're with me, or you're not.  YOU decide.  And if you opt out, I'll even give you couple months severance.  Yeah, I'll continue payin' you what I already pay you for another two months.

YES, I KNOW what severance pay is.  The fact that I don't pay you anythin' now is irrelevant.  You'll continue to get paid what you're currently paid for the next eight weeks which would be...  Pass me that calculator, would you?  Hmmm...  Nothin'.  One hundred percent of nothin' is nothin' so that, ol' peep, is exactly what you'll get.  NOTHIN'.

MOUSES!

IT IS TOO CORRECT.  Anythin' multiplied by zero is zero, and since nothin' is the same as zero and I currently pay you nothin'....

Well you get the drift, I am sure.

MOUSES!

Lookie here, Peepers.  You may be the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer 'round here but I'M actually in charge.  And the thing is, you are just not good enough.  Not good enough for me, anyway.  My meals aren't always on time, I don't always get exactly what I want, and uh...  Umm...  Well I don't even know why you're wastin' your time washin' bottles as I don't drink anythin' that comes out of 'em.  Methinks you're either slackin' durin' the time you SAY you're washin' those bottles, or you're washing 'em for someone else on MY dime, AND THAT'S ABOUT TO STOP RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW.  HEAR THAT, OL' PEEP OF MINE?  DO YOU HEAR?

What?  What's that?  What's that you're babblin' on about now?

You do?  You ARE?  You're LEAVIN'?

Oh.

So uh...

Ummm...

So does that mean you won't be gettin' my meals for me, anymore? 

And you won't be washin' my plates and things, either.

Not any of 'em?

Not ever?

But...  But uh...  But you do know I can't do any of that stuff myself, don't you?

Oh, you do know, huh?

Hmmm...

But if you're quittin', and you know I can't open tins and things myself, who's gonna....  Well, you know.  Who's gonna do all the stuff I need done?

*silence*

Ooh-boy.  That didn't go quite as I had planned.

MOUSES!

**********************

And remember:

IF IN DOUBT,

DON'T. GO. OUT.

Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures

AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.

MOUSES!

Remember to mask up, too.