"ENOUGH WITH THE KISSES ALREADY, PEEPERS! KEEP YOUR SLOBBERY KISSES OFF MY BEAUTIFUL FURS. WE'RE IN THE MIDST OF A PANDEMIC, YOU FOOL. HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF SOCIAL DISTANCIN'? MOUSES!"
Boy-oh-boy, you'd think she'd never seen a cat before.
"NO MORE KISSES, WOMAN!"
And it's not like I had been lost or anythin' like that. I knew where I was, and I knew where I was goin'!
"STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!"
Eventually the kissin' stuff subsided, but I was still up in her arms. I squirmed for a moment or two but then thought, why not just let Peepers carry me home? My paws were dog-tired, to be honest, so I figured I'd toss her a bone.
Figuratively speakin', of course.
Well it didn't take me long to realise that even though I knew our location, Peepers did not. Nope. she didn't have a clue. Typical peep.
Unlike us cats, peeps can't sniff their way home, you see. Oh sure, if someone were bakin' a cake or makin' bread or cookin' whatever peeps like to eat, they might be able to use their noses to follow that, but when it comes to findin'-their-way-out-of-the-forest-without-any-additional-help skills, let's just say, their noses are as blind as a bat's.
"You should have left a trail of breadcrumbs or somethin', Peepers," I helpfully said.
"I was on the path, Seville. I was following the path, when..."
"When you stepped off it to go and pick me up? Yeah, well that wasn't the smartest of moves there, ol' peep of mine. Pray tell, where might this path you were followin', be?"
"Speak up there, Peepers. I CAN'T HEAR YOU."
"I don't know."
"EXACTLY. You've gone and gotten yourself lost."
The peep then stopped in her tracks, tryin' to find her bearings, I suppose, but the fact of the matter was, she was lost. Totally lost. And the next thing I knew, she started walkin' again, still clutching me in her arms. Problem was, she was walkin' in circles, although she didn't know she was walkin' in circles, at all. And do you know what happens to peeps when they walk 'round in circles like that?
They get lost, that's what.
Although in this case the correct terminology would be MORE lost, I suppose.
"Peepers, stop. Stop. STOP, I tell you. STOP!"
"You need to turn left.
She went to move.
"YOUR OTHER LEFT!"
But no sooner had I gotten her to veer to what turned out to be MY left - hehehehehehe... - as I had intended, she was off travellin' in circles once more.
"Peepers, LOOK!" I cried with glee. "Isn't that back of the neighbours' house?"
"PAT!" she yelled out, hopin' to ask if it was okay to come through their back yard, I guess. Or maybe hopin' Pat would guide us to safety with the sound of her voice?
No such luck. Perhaps 'cause Pat wasn't there, or didn't hear her, or maybe... MAYBE 'CAUSE IT WASN'T THE BACK OF PAT'S HOUSE.
"I don't think that's Pat's house," the peep finally deduced.
"No guff, Peepers. It's the back of the OTHER neighbours' house. Gosh darn it, you've circled right 'round a full 135 degrees!"
Peepers looked at me all quizzical like. You know the look peeps get. That look of them bein' TOTALLY confused.
"Peepers, it's like this. That blue tarpy thing you see? That's the OTHER neighbours' kiddie pool. You need to head that way," and I pointed behind her with my tail. Just turn 'round and walk the opposite way."
And that, my friends, was when the peep finally started makin' sense. FINALLY! She finally did as she was told.
"Peepers! PEEPERS!" and I gave her a swat. "Look over there to your right."
"YOUR OTHER RIGHT," and I swatted her again.
"Seville, look!" she exclaimed. "I think that's the back of our house."
And that's when she started up with the kisses again.
Well 'bout five minutes later - 'cause truth be told we were never all that far from the edge of the woods - we broke free from the trees and the bushes and leaves, and were finally standing in our very own yard.
"I hope you weren't too scared out there," the peep said, giving me a great big cuddle once more. "Why don't we go inside and I'll open you a nice tin of tuna."
And that, my dear friends, was the FIRST rational thing the peep said.
IF IN DOUBT,
DON'T. GO. OUT.
Continue to practice SOCIAL DISTANCIN' measures
AND KEEP WASHIN' YOUR PAWS.