I narrowed my eyes and stared at the peep. Failing to get her attention, I narrowed my eyes and GLARED at the peep. Still failing to get her attention, I sat back on my haunches, threw back my head, and howled like an army of kilt-clad Scots on the bagpipes, no less.
Okay, so actually, I pretended to hork up a hairball into her shoe, which although very effective, sounded too - Shall I say, pedestrian? - to admit.
"Peepers," I said, "I am very displeased with your behaviour as of late." I looked down my nose at the peep.
Which is not the easiest things to do when you're a cat who stands 'bout one foot tall, and the person you're trying to belittle is lordin' their height over you like the Earl of Grantham, himself.
That's when I realised, if I were to jump up onto a chair or a table or somethin', lookin' down my nose at the peep would be a heck of a lot easier to do.
So I did.
"Peepers," I reiterated, "I am very displeased with your behaviour as of late." I pursed my lips, raised my chin, and made my whiskers go all a-quiver. "Yesterday, particularly so."
The peep let out a loud sigh. "What now?" she asked.
"Peepers, need I remind you as to what you did yesterday afternoon? Or rather...
Duh duh duh DUH....
"What you did not do? Need I?"
The peep looked perplexed.
I actually saw that one comin', for lookin' perplexed is one of her go-to looks these days.
"Peepers, Rushy and I were left all alone, ALL AFTERNOON, while you and Peep #2 went off gallivanting to see some stupid movie." I rose to my full height and stared at her right in the eyes. Two laser beams seared through the air and headed straight for her.
"SO? SO? Is that all you have to say for yourself? SO? What kinda answer is that?"
I raised a paw to stop her from speakin'.
"Is that any way to speak to a cat?"
She shrugged. "Seville, you don't like the car, so I really doubt you wanted to drive to the theatre with us. Besides, the movie theatre has a rule: NO CATS ALLOWED.
"Of all the moused-up, stupid, nonsensical rules. What if a cat WANTS to catch a Saturday matinee?"
Again the peep shrugged, before starting to turn away.
So I grabbed onto her shirt with a claw.
"Not so fast there, Peepers. I shall ignore your comment 'bout my not being allowed in the theatre for now; partly 'cause I'm not quite sure I believe you, but mostly 'cause you might be right 'bout my not actually wanting to go in the car to the theatre in the first place. But that still doesn't excuse your behaviour as of late. In particular, your behaviour yesterday afternoon.
Resigned to the fact she wasn't gettin' to go anywhere, anytime soon - you know, on account of my claw still bein' attached to her shirt sleeve - the peep sat down on the couch next to me.
"The thing is, Peepers, yesterday afternoon, you and Peep #2 left me all alone, ALL AFTERNOON, with that one," and I motioned over to Rushton with my tail.
"What did I do?" asked Rushy from the other side of the room.
Ignoring my brother, I continued. "Left all alone, ALL AFTERNOON, with a long-haired freak of a brother. That is what you did to me, Peepers, yesterday afternoon."
I could tell Rushy was about to object 'bout my comment 'bout his fur bein' long, so I gave him a look that said, Be quiet. MOUSES!
There was no one here to replenish my bowl of kibble, refresh my water bowl, or open countless tins while I decided which flavour would tickle my fancy at any particular moment. No one to toss me a nip mouse if a nip mouse is what I desired. No one to comment upon my cuteness while I slept, ate, and went about my general business. No one to let me out into the garden if the garden is where I wanted to go. No one to stand at the door while I decided if goin' outside was somethin' I actually wanted to do in the first place. No one to..."
"What are saying, Seville?" the peep interrupted. And very rudely, I might add, too. "Are you saying you wanted me to hire a pet sitter for one measly afternoon?"
"Pet sitters are glorified babysitters, Peepers. GLORIFIED BABYSITTERS, for sure. I was actually thinkin'..." And I paused to chew between my toes on my left front paw. "I was actually thinkin' more along the lines of a valet, cook, maid, and perhaps a footman to man - so to speak - the opening of doors." No.. I do believe a butler would be better for that.
That's when the peep went to her other go-to look: CONFUSED.
"I'm tellin' ya, Peepers, if you're gonna swan off for a whole afternoon to go see some movie again, you had better make sure you have replacement staffing in place. There's to be no more of this leavin'-us-cats-alone-and-expectin'-us-to-make-do business. There's to be no more of this shoddy attitude at all! You seem to forget..."
The peep sat back, managing to fold her arms across her chest, even though I still had a hold of one sleeve.
"You seem to forget that I, Seville the Cat, am the boss around here. MOUSES!"
"Are you done?"
"For now," and I extricated my claw from her shirt. "But remember, Peepers, next time you go off gallivanting for a day, be sure to first hire appropriate staff."
I watched as the peep exited the room. Had I gotten my point across? Would her future behaviour improve? Would she remember to do as I said? Hmmm... I mulled it over in my head for a bit, and finally decided the peep would likely need help. First thing in the mornin', I would set up interviews with Butlers-R-Us, assuming such a business exists.