Can someone please pass me a drink?
Nip on the rocks would be nice, but if you don't have that, a niptini will do. Extra nip, if you please. Thanks.
Here Peepers, get this down ya. See if it makes you feel any better.
Hmmm... You know, if I were pawed a nip on the rocks by an ever-so-thoughtful marmalade kitty, I would be sure to say thank you.
What are those green flecks floatin' around in the glass, you ask? Why, that's the nip, of course.
So anyway, I have another tale to tell you, my friends, 'bout the critters livin' around and about my house.
Actually, "tale" is not a good word for me to use, as everythin' I'm about to tell you is...
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE.
No fake news or alternative facts here.
So anyway, yesterday, the peep was doin' somethin' with her plants. I don't know exactly what. She was moving 'em about or somethin' weird like that. You know, weird stuff like peeps do.
Now these plants aren't planted in the ground. No sirree. These plants are still in flats and pots and things. They're out on the driveway, which is why the peep was doin' whatever weird stuff she was doin', while standin' on the driveway, herself.
Now I, Seville the Cat, was up at the family room window, observin' the peep. It's best to observe from a distance, I find. You're less likely to be contaminated with peep weirdness that way. Andy, never one to be concerned with peep weirdness contamination, was at the side door, just sittin' there, doin' whatever Andys do, which would be pretty much nothin'. Nothin' good, anyway, and that is for sure. Mason was sniffin' some lemon balm. Why, I don't know. I mean, the stuff reeks of stinky ol' lemons. It's a definite ewww...
Well the peep was just about to bend down and pick up a plant when she noticed a very big - one might even say, HUGE - grey squirrel runnin' toward her. He... She? Don't know, to be honest, as I didn't ask, and quite frankly, the boy squirrels look just like the girls to us cats.
I suppose the squirrels can tell the difference but seriously, it's really not pertinent to my story.
So anyway, this squirrel dude - or gal - comes runnin' up to the peep and stops 'bout... 'Bout six feet away. Which would be less than one foot away from my sister, Mason. But Mason was so intent on the smellin' of the lemon balm, she didn't even notice the squirrel at first.
Andy spotted the squirrel right away, but did he move? Ha! Did he run and chase the squirrel? HA!
Nope, no sirree. Andy, bein' an Andy, just sat there and yawned.
Yes, yawned. A borin' ol' yawn was all Andy could muster. A yawn!
Then Mason came out of her lemon-balm sniffin' trance and turned around. Looked right at the squirrel. Right in his eyes. And then...
Then she went back to the lemon balm which, I might add, stinks. Did I happen to mention that? That ol' lemon balm stinks to high heaven, just like stinky ol' lemons.
Now the peep... Well the peep just stood there, lookin' at the squirrel. The squirrel stood his - her? - ground and looked right back at the peep.
Clearly, the peep is not a threat to the local wildlife.
And apparently, neither are we cats.
Seriously, my friends, that ol' squirrel wasn't the least bit afraid of my lemon balm sniffin' sister, nor my full of yawns brother which, when you think about it, is probably a good thing. You know, on account of when the grey squirrels get upset 'round here, they tend to hurl objects at the peep.
Remember the Great Acorn Incident of 2016?
But back to the present and my peep.
So the peep watched as the squirrel took a few steps closer. Now these were squirrel steps, mind you. Squirrel steps aren't that big so really, he - she? - didn't travel all that far.
But he travelled far enough, to...
To grab a big ol' juice strawberry from a strawberry plant before turnin' and carryin' it off.
Now the peep, bein' a peep, was totally annoyed. Why, I don't know, on account of strawberries bein' right up there in the yuk department as lemon balm.
But you know peeps...
Peeps have no sense of good taste, whatsoever.
And apparently neither does my sister, for there she was, still intent on sniffin' that stinky ol' balm.
But as far as I'm concerned, that squirrel did Ol' Peepers a really big favour by disposin' of the stupid red strawberry.
The peep, on the other paw, disagreed.
In fact, it was her moanin' and groanin' about what this squirrel did that made me think she - the peep, that is - could benefit from a good stiff, nipped-up drink.
No, not the fact that neither Mason nor Andy are cat enough to go after a squirrel. Believe me, there's NO explainin' that.
No, the incident explains...
The definite lack of strawberries, this year, for the peep.