He thinks he's the enforcer.
He thinks HE'S the enforcer.
Everyone who knows ANYTHIN', knows I'M the enforcer 'round here.
I'm tellin' ya, that long-haired marmie freak of a brother of mine, Andy, had best be rethinkin' what he has been thinkin', and he had best start rethinkin' his thinkin', RIGHT NOW.
So this mornin', Peep #1 put her stupid little lettuce plants and stuff outside, to get some sun.
And DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED 'bout the fact she's growin' stupid lettuce plants in the first place, and not nip. Of course, she CAN'T grow the nip. This, my friends, is a known fact, so I guess she has to settle for stupid plants like lettuce and stuff. Well it's HER loss, not mine, as I'm currently growin' MY VERY OWN NIP PLANTS all by MY VERY OWN SELF, but further details 'bout that endeavour will have to wait to be reported in another blog post, another day. MOUSES!
Anyway, before I digress even further, bottom line is, the peep put her plants outside.
You know, the stupid ones.
To get some sun.
Well the next thing she knew, Andy was out there, sniffin' around those plants.
Now had Andy been out there sniffin' around MY NIP PLANTS, it would have been cause for concern, but Andy, bein' Andy, was sniffin' around the lettuces.
Like a cat wants anythin' to do with lettuce.
Well the peep was out there in a shot, tellin' Andy off for sniffing 'round her plants. Why she was so concerned, I have no idea. Like I said before, it's not like he was sniffing 'round plants of importance. Important plants like my nip. Now THAT would have been a travesty, for sure.
Andy, BEIN' ANDY, just looked up at her and said, "Wha?"
Now before anyone twists their knickers into knots, lettuce is perfectly harmless to cats.
But back to my story.
I mean, REPORTIN'.
So Andy grumbled, and he mumbled, then headed back into the house.
So anyway, a little while later, Peep #1 spotted Rushy outside, nosin' around those stupid ol' lettuce plants. Up like a flash she was, headin' out to save her precious little stupidy dupidy plants.
Again, I have no idea why she was even botherin'. I mean, IT'S NOT LIKE they were important. It's not like they were nip, or somethin' wonderful like that.
What am I sayin'? NOTHIN' is wonderful like nip.
But before the peep could even get to Rushy, Andy was right there. Like he had lurkin' about in hiding, somewhere.
Yeah, that's right. Andy. Andy, the very same cat who half an hour earlier, had been nosin' around those very same plants.
"Take that!" Andy cried. "TAKE THAT!" And he swung at Rushy with his right, then his left - missin' the target, BOTH times - but nevertheless...
Then Rushy was down on his side, gettin' ready to bunnykick his long-haired freak of a brother.
Which, of course, made Andy think he had won.
But just at that moment, the peep arrived on the scene. She scooped Rushy up into her arms and scolded Andy for bein' so mean.
"But I was... But... BUT..."
"He said BUTT!" I laughed from inside. "THE LONG-HAIRED MARMIE BUTT-HEAD SAID BUTT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"ENOUGH!" the peep cried. "Andy, don't be so mean to your brother. Rushy, you come inside. AND SEVILLE...."
"What? What did I do?" I asked, truly perplexed.
The peep scowled.
And the peep scowled even more.
"You keep scowlin' like that, Peepers, and that face is gonna stick," I warned. "And if you don't believe me, have you SEEN the guy at the end of the street? Yeah, I know. Not a pretty sight. Not pretty at all. That thing on his face? That's a Permascowl. It's just like permafreeze. Or frost. You know... Whatever. Anyway, thing is, he scowled one time too many, and it stuck. MOUSES!"
Then the peep's scowl turned into a questioning look as she asked, "What are you talking about, Seville?"
"But lookie here," I continued, "that brother of mine - ANDY - is thinkin' he's the enforcer, in this here house. He's thinkin' that HE'S the one layin' down the law. That HE'S the one who should be punishin' Rushy for doin' the same thing you had scolded him for doin', just moments before. And that, dear peep, must come to a stop. MOUSES!"
The peep's face went blank.
"Yeah, that blank stare is a good one for you. You won't get wrinkles like that, UNLIKE when you scowl. But anyway, the thing is, I need you to explain to Andy how I'M the enforcer in this here house."
No response from the peep.
"Did you hear what I said, Peepers? DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?"
Again, no response.
And just at that moment - that VERY moment, my friends - my sister, Mason, arrived on the scene. "Someone call for The Enforcer?" she asked. "I. AM. HERE."