BREAKING NEWS... Complaints have been POURING in about Peep #1. That's right, the complaints are about PEEP #1, sidekick to Seville the Cat, from the award-winning blog, Nerissa's Life. Complaints started...
Wait a minute. This is news? This is breaking news? HARDLY. This is old news, for sure, and quite frankly, old news isn't newsworthy at all. I mean, old can't be the new new, right? MOUSES!
Well I might as well tell you now. I'm thinkin' about trading in the ol' peep. Yup, I'm thinkin' about trading her in, for sure. Gettin' a newer model. I'm pretty sure the 2017s will be coming out soon and...
Yeah I know. The peep isn't a car. Can't trade her in like one might trade in a car. MOUSES!
So you're probably wonderin' what has got my fur all ruffled, not to mention getting Rushton's pantaloons in a twisted mess of a dither. Well wonder no more 'cause I'm spillin' the beans, right here and right now.
No, Anderson - AKA Sir Fartsalot - did not get into any beans. Besides, it's not beans that gives Andy his... you know... issues. It's the lactose that does that, for sure. MOUSES!
Anyway, I was diggin' through the complaint box...
Yeah we have one of those now. Peep #1 installed it. Said she was hearing too many complaints, so from now on, if one of us cats has a complaint, we should write it down and pop it into the new box with the word 'COMPLAINTS' written across its front.
Well when I first heard 'bout that there complaint box I cried, "What a waste of a good box. MOUSES!"
But even I have to admit, once I started using it - A LOT - I changed my tune. That there complaint box was the best thing since tinned tuna, for sure. MOUSES!
But then the other day I realized somethin'. I realized....
THE PEEP WASN'T READIN' ANY OF OUR COMPLAINTS!
It's true. They were just piling up in that box. Just sitting there, never being read. And I know this to be a fact on account of when I went to add another complaint, I couldn't, 'cause the complaint box was stuffed full. Yup, stuffed chock-full of complaints! Not a single one had ever been read. I'm thinkin', she thought we'd be placated with the illusion that our complaints were being addressed. Typical. Typical peep thinking, for sure. MOUSES!
So I decided to take matters into my own paws and read those complaints, myself. Of course, a lot of 'em had been written by me so I tucked all those under Peep #1's pillow to give her a little late-night reading and got on with going through the rest.
One of Anderson's complaints was quite distressing. Apparently, the peep has started...
Oh my mouses, it's almost too horrid to relate.
Apparently, the peep has started scattering Andy's treats all over the kitchen floor. MOUSES!
It's true. You heard it here first, folks. Peep #1 has been requiring Anderson to forage for his treats. MOUSES!
Now I should probably tell you that Andy does like his treats. Yup, he has a real treat tooth, for sure. No peep can step into the kitchen without Anderson bein' right there, beggin' for treats.
And when I say beggin', I mean BEGGIN'. He goes on and on and on...
...and on and on and on...
...and on and...
Well you get the picture, I am sure. The peeps always give in eventually. They have to. When it comes to the treats, Andy is what one calls, relentless. MOUSES!
But now, Peep #1 takes a few treats and scatters them all over the kitchen floor. Anderson can't vacuum...
Yeah you heard that right. My brother Anderson is a feline vacuum, for sure. MOUSES!
Anyway, by spreading the treats all around the kitchen, Andy can't vacuum 'em up, all in one fell swoop. He's forced to wander about, foraging for his food. Well for his treats. But foraging for treats and foraging for food is really kind of the same thing when you're a kitty who is desperate for a treat. MOUSES!
Now this is quite disconcerting for me as I feel no cat should ever be forced to forage for anything at all. MOUSES!
And speaking of foraging, let me tell you 'bout a complaint from my sister Tess.
You all know 'bout Peep #1's lack of nip-growing skills, right? Well you'll be very surprised to hear that some of the nip seeds the peep planted this past spring, did not die. Now I say some but in truth, A VERY SMALL PERCENTAGE would likely be more accurate. Anyway, there were a few seeds that sprouted that Peep #1 didn't kill... YET. MOUSES!
Now although numbering only a few, I had high hopes for those seedlings. I mean, if she could manage to not kill even two, it would DOUBLE our nip harvest...
Yeah that's right. TWO would double the nip harvest. We had three plants, from last year, growing in that there cage. Now there are two. MOUSES!
But back to the seedlings. Those little baby plants, the peep started, this past spring. Well all was going well for a while but then the other day...
Let's just say, my sister Tess was caught foraging for food. Well nip, to be exact. MOUSES!
Yup, Peep #1 found Tess yankin' on the baby nip plants and chewing 'em up, one by one. MOUSES!
Now you're probably wondering why Tess wrote a complaint up about the peep leaving nip plants out where she could find 'em. Well she didn't. That's not what Tess' complaint was about at all. Tess' complaint was about the fact that Peep #1 stopped her from foraging those nip plants before she had managed to forage ALL her way through.
Of course, now that I know 'bout this transgression, I must now write up a complaint 'bout Peep #1 leaving those nip plants out where Tess could find 'em in the first place.
Hmmm... As it appears that complaints put in the complaint box are being ignored by the peep and read only by me, I think I'd best skip the box and tuck this complaint under the peep's pillow along with all those other complaints I wrote. Yeah, I think I had best do that, for sure. MOUSES!