Wednesday, 7 January 2015
I am resolved
Remember how I made a New Year's resolution to shorten up my blog posts a bit so that I wasn't writin' the next great Canadian novel twice a week, every week? Well that didn't happen. If anythin', my posts are even longer than before. Oh well. As they say... MOUSES!
But then I realised that I could still do somethin' with this ol' resolution business. A few broken New Year's resolutions shouldn't stop me from makin' some more. I've just gotta make better resolutions.
I'm thinkin'... Nap more, imbibe in the nip more and make my blog posts however long I wanna make 'em. After all, it is my blog. I should get to decide how long I wanna make my posts. I don't think anyone else should be makin' those kinds of decisions for me, at all.
Yup, I'm thinkin' I can keep those New Year's Resolutions, for sure.
But then I thought to myself, why stop there? Since I was making such great - and easily kept - resolutions for myself, why not make up a few New Year's resolutions for the rest of my family? When you're on a roll, best to keep on rollin', if you know what I mean.
So without further ado, I present to you, my family's resolutions for the New Year.
I'm thinkin' that Mason should take up knittin' this year. She enjoys workin' with yarn and she has those thumbs. She's the only one of us kitties with thumbs so clearly, she's the most likely to succeed with knittin'. And once she gets really good at it, she can start knittin' up some biff bags and mice which I can then fill with the nip. Could provide an additional avenue of income once I've got my nip farm up and running. I'm always thinkin' on my paws, I am.
Tobias needs to resolve to get monthly manicures done. Although no longer a kitten, Toby has always remained kitten sized. She's super tiny. But her claws are super sharp. Sharp like a kitten's. Those claws don't bother me too much but the noises the peeps make when she climbs up their legs, do. Ever hear Peep #1 squeal? Like claws scapin' down a blackboard, my friends. Claws scrapin' down a blackboard! And that's on a good day. On a bad day it's like... like... hm... I can't even describe it as the noise is so horribly horrific. MOUSES!
I do believe that Seville's resolution should be to not pee on the peep. To be fair, he only did it once this year but to be honest, once was probably one time too many. Let's just say, Peep #1 was not amused. There were blackboard squeals to be heard around the world and everythin'.
Rushton needs to learn how to open doors. He's very mechanical-minded when it comes to things like that so I think he has a real shot at it. Rushy already knows how to open the window in the kitchen provided that the peeps haven't planked it with that long wooden plank they install every night, preventin' him from openin' up the window and lettin' us all out. The back door has a lever kind of handle which should be pretty easy to open. And Rushton is a really big boy so standin' on his hind legs, he has both the height and weight, necessary. He can easily reach the lever and if he leans back while holdin' onto it, the door will open right up. All he really has to work on is flickin' down that little do hickey thingy that locks the door. I think he can do it, for sure.
But if Rushton fails on the door openin' front, perhaps I'll use some of the proceeds from my nip farmin' business and my investments in nip futures - once I figure out exactly how to invest in that futuristic nip - to buy him a saw. With a saw, he can saw that ol' plank in half and just open the kitchen window whenever he likes. The window works just as well as a door for us cats, you see.
The latest addition to my fur-fam is Anderson. I'm thinkin' Andy should resolve to take up baking. He has paws the size of a large dog, pony or a very small - hm... medium-sized - Sasquatch and he's always usin' those paws to knead. You should see him. He appears to need to knead. He even kneads the air! It's true. He'll lie on his back and his front paws will be up in the air, kneadin' and kneadin' away. What he's kneadin', nobody knows but for sure he's kneadin' somethin'. Instead of kneadin' invisible whatever it is he's kneadin', he could be kneadin' bread. Nip bread, to be exact. Once my nip farm is up and runnin', I can provide the nip and Andy can perfect his recipe. And that will be another avenue of revenue for my nip farm. MOUSES! I'm good.
My sister Constance needs to resolve to speak up more. She only ever gets the peeps' attention when they're lookin' right at her 'cause when she opens up her mouth to meow, most of the time, all that comes out is... well... nothin'. To be honest, she does appear to have perfected the silent meow. To be really honest, her silent meows are far easier on the ears than the sound of Peep #1 squealing but that is to be expected, for sure. But the problem with silent meows is that they're silent. No one can hear you. As a result, Connie sometimes misses out on stuff and, occasionally gets accidentally locked on the other side of a closed door with no way to let the peeps know she's there and wantin' out. She has just gotta learn how to speak up more. She has just gotta!
And speakin' of noises, I have a resolution for my Auntie Primrose, too. Auntie Primrose has no issues with makin' noise. Others might have issues listenin' to that noise but that's their problem and not hers. But I'm thinkin' that Primrose could make better use of the noises she makes. Why holler at the peeps when they're already up? Better to holler at 'em to wake 'em up. When the sun is up and the peeps are not, we have a problem on our paws. Our tummies wake up with the sun, you see, so it's very important that the peeps get up then, too. Tummies are waitin' for breakfast and breakfast can't be served until you have peeps up and about, servin' it. I'm thinkin' that Auntie Primrose needs to resolve to holler right in Peep #1's face every mornin' with the risin' of the sun. That should do the trick, for sure.
And last but not least, we have Tess. I was thinkin' that Tess should resolve to growl less but then I thought better of that. After all, growlin' at the weather, uncooperative peeps and imaginary enemies is what Tess does best. It's part of her personality, you see. Wouldn't wanna change that.
So instead of growlin' less, I think Tess needs to growl more. After the Sir Fartsalot incident, we cats have been somewhat restricted when it comes to yummy stuff like butter and my sister, Tess, is a real butter fiend. She loves the stuff! I'm thinkin' that more growlin' could lead to better butter access and better butter access will be needed once Anderson starts bakin' up that nip bread, for sure. Nothin' beats a pat of butter on a nice slice of warm nip bread.
And if Tess' additional growls don't get us more butter, perhaps Rushton can learn how to open the refrigerator door. It's a heavy door but unlike the back door, never locked, so I'm pretty sure that if he leans back with all his seventeen pounds, he should be able to pull it open. Granted, a good pound or two of his weight is nothin' but floofy fur but still, he should be able to open that door. Then Tess can hop on his back and swipe a pound of butter or two. Actually, considerin' Rushton's size, he can probably just stand up on his hind legs and swipe that butter, himself. Did I mention that Rushy was a pretty big boy? Part Maine Coon, I do believe.
I'm leavin' the peeps out of this whole resolution thingy 'cause let's face it, they're even worse at keepin' resolutions than I. Of course, if I were to make a few resolutions for 'em I would resolve that they spend more time cuddlin' with us, spend more time playin' with us and spend less time makin' up stupid rules for us. And I'd also resolve that Peep #1 finally gets that silly ol' book of hers in print so that I'm not the only published author in the family. Gettin' a little lonely with only my stuff bein' read and all. Sometimes, I almost feel sorry for the peep but then I remember that if her book isn't done yet, that's all on her. I do my best to give her a good hour or so of computer time, every day. Not my fault if she's not makin' the best use of it. MOUSES!
So there you have it. My New Year's resolutions for 2015. Paws crossed that everyone can keep 'em this year. Last year was a pretty dismal failure on the resolutions front.