I had big plans for today's post. BIG plans. HUGE plans, in fact. But my plans were thwarted by my inability to find the necessary information. MOUSES!
I dug around the Internet until the pads of paws were raw. That's right. I dug and I dug and I dug but found nothin'... I repeat, NOTHIN' for which I was lookin'. Again I say... MOUSES!
So I sat back on my haunches and thought for a bit. Hmmm... "I know!" cried I. "Let me see..." A little digging later and I had my post.
Have you ever heard of the Rick Mercer Report? It's an excellent show, for sure. Anywho... not that long ago, Mr. Mercer was talkin' about the travel expenses of the Right Honourable Stephen Harper... Canada's Prime Minister. I clearly remember bein' on the couch next to Peep #1 and gettin' my tummy rubbed while hearin' this Mercer dude talk about the numbers in certain expense reports. To be honest, I'm not sure how current the reports were. The show might have been a repeat or somethin' but nevertheless, IT WAS A LEAD!
As you know, as a cat, I am an expert digger. I dig in the litter box every day. Usually, multiple times. In the summer, I sometimes dig in the garden, too. Yes, my friends, the diggin' of dirt is a skill I have mastered over and over and over again. Didn't take me long to find those travel expense reports at all.*
Anywho... I discovered a very interestin' fact about our Prime Minister. Accordin' to his travel and hospitality expense reports,** Stephen Harper is able to travel all over the world, really cheaply. And when I say cheep, I mean CHEAP. He managed to travel to Canada's west coast, east coast, the northern territories and even take a little jaunt over to Saint Petersburg, Russia for just over thirty-five hundred dollars. And that's not thirty-five hundred dollars for each trip. I'm talkin' thirty-five hundred dollars, total. Actually, it was less than three thousand 'cause almost six hundred dollars of that was for his wife to travel to Calgary with him and there were a couple ninety dollar visas thrown in there. He sure must have one super-duper travel agent. MOUSES!
I don't know anyone who can take a trip to Russia for ninety dollars but our Prime Minister did. Oddly enough, that ninety dollar price tag is the very same amount as what those visas to Peru and Malaysia cost but the expense report doesn't say anything about a visa for Russia. It specifically says, that he "travels to Saint Petersburg, Russia, for the G20 Summit."** Travels to... visa... not the same thing. MOUSES!
I poured over and over and over the expense report and one single question kept poppin' into my mind. You see, the answer to this question of mine could possibly make everything I was reading, make sense. It's the only thing that could. Finally I stopped asking myself, and just asked it out loud, "Ummm... does he teleport?" It was the only workin' theory I had.
Teleportation is relatively cheap. For the price of a frying pan and some egg beaters, you can pretty much teleport anywhere. Personally, I do it all the time.
The thing is, to my knowledge, the Canadian government does not yet have access to egg beater teleportation technology. My brother Seville and I are the leading experts in the field and neither one of us has ever been consulted by anyone in Ottawa. MOUSES!
Of course, one must also account for the cost of snacks. I have learned from past teleportation experiences that one should always teleport with snacks. Apparently, however, the Prime Minister has not yet learned about the necessity of snacking while teleporting because in his travel and hospitality expenses report, there were no reported snacks. Again I say... MOUSES!
On the other paw, in 2013 the Prime Minister's Office racked up an almost twenty-five thousand dollar bill for... ummm... snacks.*** Okay, there were some lunch meetings in there. Quite a few lunches, in fact. But there was also an awful lot spent on coffee, tea and soft drinks. In other words, snacks. Not a single mention of the nip, though. Don't know how they survived without it. That would not be an office for me.
The Prime Minister's Office also filed an 2013 expense report for other expenses while takin' trips.**** Just over thirteen thousand was spent on rentin' buses and visas for staff and whatnot. I'm not sure why buses were rented. Don't know why they didn't all teleport with the PM. Maybe they didn't have enough fryin' pans...
While diggin' around in those reports, I found a few... shall we say... discrepancies. For example, in June of 2013, just over fifty-seven hundred dollars was spent so that MP David Tilson could accompany the Prime Minister to the United Kingdom and France.**** What was odd about this expense? Well, the report specifically said that David Tilson was accompanying the Prime Minister but in the Prime Minister's travel expense report,* there were no recorded expenses for that trip. Stephen Harper had no travel expenses for the month of June at all. Clearly, he is usin' egg beater teleportation technology. It's the only way to explain a cost-free trip to Europe.
But because of this discrepancy, I started diggin' for more. Completely at random, I chose the travel and hospitality expenses report of the then Executive Assistant to the Prime Minister, Jeremy Hunt.***** In eight months, Mr. Hunt racked up almost seven thousand dollars worth of travel expenses along with another thousand or so for those ever-so-useful snacks.
I wasn't all that interested in the actual cost of the trips. Or of the snacks. I was far more interested in the number of trips Mr. Hunt took with the Prime Minister that the Prime Minister apparently didn't take. From January to August of 2013, inclusive, Jeremy Hunt logged expenses for seventeen trips in which he travelled with the Prime Minister however, during that very same time period, the Prime Minister claimed travel expenses for only six trips. MOUSES!
Either he was with the Prime Minister or he wasn't with the Prime Minister. Both reports cannot be entirely factual. Somethin' has been added or somethin' is missin' but most definitely, somethin' is wrong!
I went back to that June trip to the United Kingdom and France. Sure enough, Jeremy Hunt claimed just over five hundred dollars. I know... the five hundred dollar amount isn't realistic for traditional travel but is actually somewhat overpriced if using egg beater teleporation technology but I digress. The amount doesn't matter. What matters is that Jeremy Hunt claims to have travelled with the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister's Office also, during that exact same time frame, shows expenses for MP David Tilson to travel with the Prime Minister. But the Prime Minister's report shows no record of expenses at all. Again I say... MOUSES!
If peeps out there are travelin' with the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister should have expenses for that travelin'.
Now to be fair, there is a disclaimer on all of these expense reports. It says that stuff that would be withheld under the Access to Information or Privacy Acts doesn't appear on 'em. Perhaps those trips the Prime Minister took were top secret or somethin' and that information couldn't be released. On the other paw, if that was the case, the peeps travelin' with him shouldn't have gone and told everybody that they had been travelling with him. Know what I mean?
But back to the discrepancies. On those reports, some of the dates are kind of screwy. For example, the Prime Minister travelled to Toronto for a government event on March 28th.* Jeremy Hunt accompanied the Prime Minister to Toronto on March 24th and 25th.***** Hmmm... they both took a government aircraft. Mr. Hunt's report says he accompanied the PM so surely it was the same government aircraft. After all, that's kind of what accompanying means. It looks to me like there's a discrepancy in the dates. MOUSES!
The only explanation I have for these discrepancies with the dates is that someone has been messin' with whisks and the element of time travel has been added into the mix. Perhaps the front end of the government aircraft arrived in Toronto three days earlier than the back end? Whisks could do that. It would explain a lot. It could, in fact, explain it all.
Well, my friends... I've done the math and the math has done me in. It's not makin' a lot of sense to me. Maybe some of you can make it make sense? Maybe the Prime Minister's Office can make it all make sense. I don't know. What I do know is that the more I dig through the numbers, the more likely it appears that our elected officials here in Canada are usin' egg beater-whisk time travelling-teleportation technology. You just know you wanna agree.
* Government of Canada Disclosure Travel and Hospitality Expenses Reports
** Prime Minister of Canada's 2013 Travel and Hospitality Expenses Report
*** Prime Minister's Office 2013 Other Expenses
**** Prime Minister's Office 2013 Other Expenses During Trips
***** Executive Assistant to PM's 2013 Travel and Hospitality Expenses Report