The bay window is in my office so I look out it, quite often. For the last couple of days, I've been lookin' and lookin' for those birdies but there are none to be seen. Not a one. Guess they've gone lookin' for more honeysuckle in other cats' gardens.
Peep #1 asked me if I had seen the brown birdies yesterday or on the weekend. She was askin' in a weird kind of way. In such a way that would best be described as... suspicious. I think she was thinkin' that I might have chased those birdies or somethin'. The nerve of that peep! I, Nerissa the Cat, would never chase a bird away.
I looked the peep straight in the eye and said, "I don't chase birds. I just watch 'em on TV."
Of course, the peep knows this to be correct and was prepared to let the matter go but the conversation reminded me of all those ridiculous peeps out there who like to blame cats for killin' all the birds.
Both my peeps and I agree that those ridiculous cat-blamin' peeps are totally wrong. They're totally wrong 'bout us cats killin' birds. Their theories tend to be skewed to the point of bein' screwed on account of their cherry pickin' of facts and whatnot. And facts that don't fit their theories? Those get tossed in the trash, I do believe. Yup, right alongside the cherry pits. Hmmm.... They should be putting 'em in the compost. Cherry pits are biodegradable. MOUSES!
Anywho... I was reminded of those ridiculous peeps and before I thought it through, I repeated to the peep, "I don't chase birds." And I followed that with, "I don't chase 'em, I don't kill 'em and I most certainly don't eat 'em. MOUSES!"
That was the moment that Peep #1 chose to inform me of somethin'. Yup, she chose to inform me that turkeys are birds.
I stared at the peep in utter disbelief before exclaiming, "They are? MOUSES! You sure 'bout that, Peepers? I think you might be wrong on that one."
I shook my head, clearin' my mind. I had to think about what the peep was sayin', rationally. She wasn't makin' any sense. This turkey of a theory couldn't possibly be right. Birds fly. Birds fly around the garden. Birds have wings. That didn't sound like the turkey I enjoy every mornin' at breakkie. No... the turkey I eat comes in tins. Birds don't come in tins. Do they?
A heated discussion ensued and, for the first time, in the history of the world, EVER, Peep #1 won. Yes, my friends, I have recently been informed that I, Nerissa the Cat, do, in fact, eat birds. Who knew?
I sat down on my haunches and pondered the fact that I, Nerissa the Cat, had been caught in the act. Caught in the act of eatin' birds. And I never even knew. MOUSES!
Then all of a sudden, I came to a realisation. I opened my eyes and I glared at the peep. "Hold on there, Peepers," I cried. "Hold on one cotton nip-pickin' moment, there... I'm not the only one eatin' birds. What's more, we cats aren't the only species eating 'em, either."
That's right, those aforementioned ridiculous peeps who like to blame us cats for killin' all the birds have some explainin' to do. Are THEY not aware that turkeys are birds? Have they been deceived by the concept of the tins, too? Or are they just skewin' their facts, once more?
Those peeps wanna blame us cats for killin' birds and do so in such a way that they make themselves look all innocent and everything. I have long known that what is really killin' birds are things like lost habitats bein' stolen by peeps and the poisoning of the birds' food supply with pesticides, herbicides and various other words endin' in 'cide' which is never a healthy way for a word to end, if you know what I mean.
I now realise that the peeps who blame us cats for their own homicidal tendencies aren't just killin' the birds but they're eatin' them, too!
That's right... peeps are out there, are eatin' all the birds. They're probably eatin' them right now. MOUSES!
Well, not my peeps. I've got a couple of veggie peeps on my paws, you see. But other peeps. Other peeps out there who are not veggies. They're the ones killin' and eatin' all the birds. And they don't even seem to know it.
You know somethin'? I bet the ones comin' up with the cat-blamin' theories do so, sittin' around their dining room tables, chowin' down on turkey and whatnot. I bet they're sayin' stuff like, "How can we blame the cats this time," followed by, "pass me the turkey, hon, would you?" MOUSES!
But it's not just the turkeys they're killin'. There are the chickens, too.
That's right... Once I discovered that peeps out there are killin' all the birds who are turkeys, I thought I should do some diggin' and what did I discover? I discovered that chickens are birds as well. MOUSES!
Peeps have been known to eat chickens. So peeps out there must also be killin' those chickens. In other words, they're killing even more birds.
I, bein' a rather well-informed kitty, have been known to watch a few episodes of shows featurin' cookin' and things. I've seem 'em. I've seen those chefs prancin' around, cookin' up ducks and geese and pheasants and whatnot. And those little Cornish game hens. I've never even met a Cornish game hen, far less killed one. But peeps are killin' them. They're killin' them, all the time. MOUSES!
Sounds to me like peeps are out there killin' all the birds with wanton abandon. And some of these are the very same peeps as the ones tryin' to blame us cats.
Now I know what you're thinkin'. You're thinkin' that some will say that there's a difference between pretty little songbirds and larger birds used for game and whatnot.
I'm thinkin'... IS THERE? I mean, really, IS THERE?
I don't see the difference. A bird is a bird is a bird is a bird. They have feathers. They have wings. Some of 'em, apparently, even come in tins.
The biggest differences between songbirds and turkeys are all in our minds. Because a pretty little songbird is pretty and little, does that somehow make it better? Does that somehow give it more value as a living creature than a turkey? When it comes right down to it, are they not all birds?
I'm gonna have to do some heartfelt, soul-searching, here. I have never considered myself to be a killer of the birds. Because of the turkey-in-the-tin factor, I was confused. Now that I know that turkeys are actually birds, I shall have to admit to having eaten a few. And some chickens, too. Might I suggest that we all do some heartfelt, soul-searching. Yup, each and every one of us.
And I have a message for all those bird conservancy peeps out there who insist upon wrongly claiming that cats are killin' all the birds. I'm on to you, now. All of us cats, are. It's as plain as day. You just want to get rid of the cats to leave more birds for yourselves. You're just thikin' about your own stomachs, you are. MOUSES!