missing

"Hey!  HEY!!  HEY!!! What the mousie mousin' mouses do you think you're doin'?"

Seein' what I was seein', I jumped down from the bathroom window onto the sunroom roof, and from there, down onto the deck railing.  Minutes later I was MARCHING across the backyard, toward that ol' nosey neighbourin' cat, AKA Nosey-Neighbour-Cat.  MOUSES!

"Hey you.  Yeah, YOU. Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU!" and I glared at Nosey-Neighbour-Cat.  "Just what the mouses do you think you're doin', followin' my peep around like a little lost doggy?  If ANYONE is gonna be followin' my first peep 'round like a little lost doggy, it's gonna be ME."

I stopped in my tracks and thought for a mo.  "Hmmm...  Not that I wanna be behavin' like a little lost doggy.  After all, a little lost doggy, I am not."  And so I turned back to NNC and said, "Nosey-Neighbour-Cat?  Continue as you were.  MOUSES!"

"What?  WHAT?  What's that you're sayin'?" and I waited for ol' NNC to explain further.

After hearin' that nosey neighbourin' cat's explanation I told him, "Yeah well, I might be concerned 'bout the peep's weird behaviour.  I MIGHT, 'cept for the fact that weird behaviour comes second nature to my peep."

"What?  WHAT?  What do I mean?  I mean, Peep #1 is kinda weird.  She's known worldwide for her weirdness, for sure.  Why just the other day..."

"What's that Peepers?  FINE.  MOUSES!"

"NNC, I'll tell you all 'bout the peep's weird behaviour some other time.  Some other time when the peep isn't listenin'.

"But for now, back to this business of you followin' my peep 'round my backyard, like a little doggy.  Nosey-Neighbour-Cat, why were you doin' that?"

"I see...  You say you were followin' Peep #1 around on account of her WANDERIN' around.  Her wanderin' about the backyard in a state of confusion."

"Like I said before, this kind of behaviour is really nothin' new.  Peep #1 is often confused.  Take my advice and just ignore her."

"What's that Peepers?  You say somethin' is missin'?  Somethin' like...  LIKE YOUR MIND?" and I fell to the ground and rolled onto my back in a fit of laughter.

Then under my breath, I hissed to Nosey-Neighbour-Cat, "So is that why you were followin' Peep #1 'round like a little lost doggy?  You were helpin' her to find her lost mind?  Personally, if I were you, I'd give up on that goal.  Her mind has been lost for quite some time now, and I doubt anyone will be findin' it anytime soon."

"What's that Peepers?  FINE.  MOUSES!"

"So anyway Peepers...  When exactly did you notice your mind was missin'?"

"FINE.  MOUSES!"

"So Peepers, when exactly did you notice whatever it was that you're missin', was missin'?"

"You don't say."

"MOUSES!"

"So Peepers, are you sure?  Are you sure 'bout this?  Are you sure like in...  FOR SURE?"

"Just checkin'."

BREAKIN' NEWS...  NEWLY PLANTED AZALEA BUSH HAS GONE MISSIN'.  MOUSES!

"Peepers, now can you describe said azalea bush?  Did it have any distinguishing features?  Did it have a scar, perhaps?  Or a mole?"

"No, not a brown furry runnin' about and diggin' holes kinda mole.  And not a secret spy mole, either.  I mean a mole!  You know, like in a distinguishing feature.  Don't you ever watch crime shows on TV? MOUSES!"

"So no scars and no moles.  No rodent or spy type moles, either.  Hmmm...."

"And you're absolutely positive you planted that there azalea bush in that there flower bed, yesterday? You're absolutely sure?  I'm only asking 'cause you didn't really answer my question the first time I asked.  Not really in an absolutely positively for sure kind of answerin' way."

"So let me get this straight.  Yesterday afternoon you planted one, two-foot high azalea bush, with no scars, moles, or any other distinguishing features, in that there flower bed in that there corner of the backyard.  And this mornin', there's no trace of any azalea bush to be found.  Interestin'.  Very, very interestin', for sure.  Hmmm..."

"And you've looked everywhere?  You say that's what you were doin' when Nosey-Neighbour-Cat was followin' you around?  Hmmm..."

"Did you look in the garage or out on the driveway?  I'm only asking 'cause...  Well...  Well truth be told, I'm lookin' at the spot where you said you planted the azalea bush and there isn't a trace of it to be found."

"Well I KNOW you said it was missin'.  I KNOW you said it couldn't be found.  But seriously Peepers, you're sure you planted it yesterday?  'Cause not only is there no trace of the azalea, but there's no trace of your havin' planted it, either.  There's no trace of a hole havin' been dug or anythin' like that.  It looks like the spot hasn't been touched at all.  It looks..."

"Okay, okay.  You don't have to yell.  MOUSES!"

"You think maybe someone is gaslighting you, Peepers?  You know, tryin' to make you think you're goin' crazy?  Tryin' to make you think you're losin' you mind?  'Cause if that's the case, they probably won't have to try all that hard."

"WAIT A MINUTE."

"Look Peepers.  Look over there!  Look over there by the brush pile.  You know, the brush pile 'bout fifteen feet away."

"Well I'll be...  IT'S YOUR AZALEA BUSH.  MOUSES!"

"So there WAS an azalea bush after all.  Will wonders never cease.  If I were a bettin' cat, I would have bet there had never been any azalea bush, and that you were nothin' more than a half-crazed peep, for sure."

"Now see!  That.  That there look you have on your face.   Yeah, that's the one.  That look you're doin' right now.  That's the kind of look that make cats believe you're half-crazed, for sure."

"But back to the once missin', but now found, azalea.  Clearly, after you planted it yesterday, someone came along and ripped it out of the ground, then filled in the hole, leavin' no trace of it ever havin' been there at all.  Then they either dragged it, or flung it, over by the brush pile.  Hmmm..."

"Sounds pretty unbelievable to me.  Far easier to believe you're goin' nuts, Peepers.  Sorry, but facts are facts and the evidence is clearly there."

"GET A GRIP, WOMAN.  MOUSES!"

"Well...  I suppose a rocky raccoon could have yanked the azalea out of the ground and dragged it over there.  They've been known to dig things up before.  But why would a raccoon fill the plantin' hole back in?  That makes no sense to me."

"Or I guess a neighbour could be playin' a mean ol' prank or somethin', and yanked out the azalea before flinging it over there, then filled the plantin' hole back in to...  Nah, that makes even less sense, for sure."

"On the other paw...  Peepers, have you been doin' stuff to annoy the neighbours?"

I sat back on my haunches and had a long think.

"Okay Peepers, I've thought and I've thought and I've thought, and I'm pretty sure, I've now thought it all out, and..."

"...AND I'm goin' with my original idea. CLEARLY, YOU'RE LOSIN' YOUR MIND.  MOUSES!"

"See?  SEE?  There's that half-crazed look again.  It's all over your face. What am I sayin'.  There's nothin' half-crazed about it.  That look is FULL-crazed, for sure.  It's as full as a full moon on a night with a fully full moon and..."

"What's that Peepers?  FINE.  MOUSES!"

the law of inevitability

You know, when you live in a house with six other cats - not to mention a sometimes or rather, more often than only sometimes house guest also known as Nosey-Neighbour-Cat - things are bound to happen.  It's like a law or something. Peeps have got to realize this and... Well... Just get over it, I should think.  MOUSES!

Why just this afternoon, there was the sound of a tin falling down.  Well technically, the sound was not of the tin falling but rather, of the tin hitting the floor but you get my drift, I am sure.

Anyway, Peep #1 heard it first and said, "Is Nosey-Neighbour-Cat inside?"  Peep #2 wasn't sure but with the sound of the falling tin, one would think that he was.  Turns out, he wasn't.  At least he wasn't in the kitchen knocking things down.  That would have been my brother Rushton.

Yup, Rushy was caught in the act of sneaking some of my tuna that was up on the kitchen counter.

Not that I don't share my tuna with my fur-fam.  I do!  In fact, I had already shared some of that very same tuna with Rushy less than an hour earlier and had instructed the peeps to leave a little for Anderson for when he woke up from his nap but unfortunately, after Rushy got to it, there was no more tuna to be had.  MOUSES!

And what can we learn from this experience?  Two things, in fact.

Firstly, it is possible that Nosey-Neighbour-Cat has been taking the blame for a lot of stuff he might not have actually done.  Peeps hadn't realized that Rushy was prone to tiptoeing about on the kitchen counter, knocking stuff down.  Prior to this event, they had always blamed the marauding intruder that is our neighbour.

NNC has been known to deny doing some of the stuff for which he had been previously blamed but we all always thought he was lying.  Guess he wasn't.  Guess he was really just the fall guy.  Fall cat?  Hmmm..  I'll have to have a little think on that.

And secondly, we now know that the Law of Inevitability applies to us cats.  Actually, I already knew that but apparently, the peeps didn't.  Let me explain.

Basically, the Law of Inevitability states that stuff is gonna happen.  MOUSES!

Technically speaking, it doesn't state the MOUSES! part but really, I kind of think that it should. MOUSES!

Anyway, the thing is, stuff happens.  Stuff has happened, stuff is currently happening and stuff is gonna happen and when you live in a house with six other cats - not to mention a sometimes or rather, more often than only sometimes house guest also known as Nosey-Neighbour-Cat - stuff is BOUND to happen, for sure.

For example, the tin of tuna.  If you're a peep and you leave a half-full tin of tuna lying about on kitchen counter and there are seven, possibly eight, cats in the house...  Yeah, like a child could have figured that one out.  My peeps?  Apparently, not so much.  MOUSES!

Like I said, stuff happens.

But you know, whether you leave tins of tuna out or not, stuff is still likely gonna happen.

Christmas is just over a week away and we've written to Santa, asking him to bring us biff bags.  You know, those little knitted bags filled with nip that we cats like to biff.

Now as there are seven of us, you'd think we might have asked for seven biff bags but if you're thinking that, you'd be wrong on that account.  We did the math and taking into account the Law of Inevitability, we asked for twenty.

You're probably wondering why seven cats need twenty biff bags.  We need twenty of 'em because, quite frankly, stuff is gonna happen.  It's that moused-up Law of Inevitability, you see.

First of all, we decided that two bags each would be better than only one.  The Law of Inevitability states that stuff is gonna happen and some of that stuff might very well have to do with slobber. Yup, it's a known fact that some of my fur-fam members like to slobber on their biff bags.  Always nice to have a spare bag with which to play when your primary one is drying out, for sure.

So that accounts for fourteen bags but will fourteen do?  No.  You see, the Law of Inevitability states that stuff is gonna happen and some of that stuff might be that ol' Nosey-Neighbour-Cat honing in on our territory and wanting to spend Christmas Day with us, here at my house.  If that happens, we'll need another two biff bags so that NNC has a couple bags for slobbering upon, too. MOUSES!

Okay, so fourteen plus two equals two plus nine plus... five all multiplied by nine and then divided by nine...  Excuse the new-fangled kitty math, please.  They keep telling us it's easier but Mason says it's like the Emperor's New Clothes all over again and I'm wondering what addition has to do with sewing but all that will have to wait for another blog post on another day, I should think.

So now we're up to sixteen.  Will sixteen be enough?  NO.  The Law of Inevitability states that stuff is gonna happen, remember?  Stuff.  Stuff like a biff bag being lost under the couch or a burglar breaking into the house looking to steal all your bags full of nip or a fur-fam member peeing all over one because they think that will stop you from playing with it which it will but also stops them from playing with it so really, it's not such a hot idea when you think about it but some of my fur-fam members haven't quite figured that part out yet or...

Anyway, the bottom line is, when you know stuff is gonna be happening around you, it's best to be prepared with a few extra biff bags.  MOUSES!

And how did I come up with four?  Four extra bags?  That part was easy.  No new-fangled kitty math required.  I just pulled it out of a hat.

Seriously, there was this hat lying on the cupboard floor and...

Well perhaps I should explain that another time 'cause when you think about it, it's kind of weird that the number four was hanging around in some peep's hat, lying on the cupboard floor.  MOUSES!

But do you know what's even weirder than that?

Okay, neither do I but I do know this.  I know that the Law of Inevitability is gonna come in handy around here, this Christmas and that, my friends, is for sure.

Someone tries to climb the Christmas tree and brings the whole thing down?  Clearly, it was BOUND to happen.  It's the Law of Inevitability!

And if someone gets a little too nipped up and misses the litter box?  The Law of Inevitability strikes again!

And if more tins of tuna are knocked off the kitchen counter like snow falling in a snowstorm?

Well for that one, we might stick with blaming Nosey-Neighbour-Cat.  I mean, his presence in my house has got to be good for something, right?  And if NNC is not in the house at the time, we'll blame Rushy, NNC's new fall guy...  fall cat?  I still need to figure that one out.  MOUSES!

cowabunga!

Is it a bird?  Is it a plane?  No, it's...

COWABUNGA!!!

Moments earlier, the peeps had been sitting in the family room when Peep #1 pricked up her ears.

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, peeps can't prick up their ears like we cats do and actually, you'd be right on that account.  Peep #1 can't move her ears at all without moving her entire head as her ears appear to be somewhat dysfunctional when it comes to independent movement but nevertheless, when odd noises emanate from other rooms in the house, she is able to do something to make those ears of hers detect them.  This appears to be especially true when the odd noises are being made by cats.  MOUSES!

Anyway, as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, the peep heard some stuff going on in the kitchen and it was cat stuff, to be sure.

She was off like a shot or like we - okay, I - like to say at my house, off like a gas-powered rocket hovering near the vicinity of my brother Anderson's - otherwise known as Sir Fartsalot - tail after he has managed to sneak a little cream.

And that's when she saw it.  That's when Peep #1 saw my other brother, Rushton, suspended in mid-air, clutching Nosey-Neighbour-Cat in his grasp.  Then they were down on the kitchen floor and then they were rolling around like hockey players all fighting with flailing sticks over the same puck because even though hockey teams have humongously huge budgets, they can apparently afford to use only one of those pucks at any given time.  It was a full-blown, no claws barred, rough-and-tumble, all-out cat fight, for sure.  MOUSES!

You know in cartoons when you see two cartoon peeps fighting and they're kind of rolling around and kind of spinning all at the same time, caught in each other's clutches, with dust flying all about them?  You know how cartoons do that?  Well let me tell you, it's not just cartoons.  It can happen in real life, too.  MOUSES!

That's right, my brother and Nosey-Neighbour-Cat were going at it, fighting like they've never fought before.  And bits of orange and dark grey fur were flying about in the air all around them.

Then out of nowhere....

Is it a bird?  Is it a plane?  No, it's...  SUPERKITTY!  Superkitty to the rescue, for sure.  MOUSES!

That's right, my friends.  That's when my sister Mason came flying out of the sunroom and into the kitchen yelling "COWABUNGA!" at the top of her lungs.  And yes, she really was flying!  Flying through the air.  She must have made a running leap or something for she was soaring through the night sky...

Okay, she was soaring from the sunroom to the kitchen but still...

One moment, Mason was in mid-air and the next moment, she had landed right on top of Rushton and Nosey-Neighbour-Cat, to be sure.

At that point, Rushy took off to goodness knows where and Nosey-Neighbour-Cat fled to the sunroom, finding a spot to hide under one of the chairs.

Mason went right after him, letting that nosey neighbouring cat of ours know in no uncertain terms that that kind of fighting behaviour was unacceptable in our house.

The peep stared in shock and horror at the kitchen floor.  Chunks of marmie orange fur were everywhere.  Clumps of dark grey Nosey-Neighbour-Cat fur were, too.  MOUSES!

And emanating from the sunroom, low growls could be heard.  Nosey-Neighbour-Cat was cornered while Mason silently stared him down which, my friends, I can tell you with absolute certainty - not to mention my own personal experience - is rather unnerving to say the least.  MOUSES!

So that was what happened at my house about a week ago, on Hallowe'en.

Now before anyone gets too worried, everyone was fine.  Well at least we cats all were.  The peep, however, was a basket of nerves, to be sure.  MOUSES!

But seriously, Peep #1 did check Rushton out thoroughly and although he was missing several pawfuls of fur, there wasn't a scratch on him.  Probably due to the thickness of that long-haired coat of his which under normal circumstances resembles an unruly tumbleweed although truth be told, is somewhat thinner after the above mentioned incident.

Mason, too, was fine.  She took the boys by surprise, you see, never letting either one of them get in a swipe at her.  She's tricky like that.  Always has been and likely, always will be.  You know girls. MOUSES!

And Nosey-Neighbour-Cat?  Well he appears to be hale and hearty as well.  Peep #1 checked him out as best as she could, after he ventured out from under the chair in the sunroom, several hours later.  Not a mark on him.  Now his fur isn't long and wild and crazy like Rushy's however, the peep says it is pretty thick which is likely what saved him.

So now, Mason is thinking she should make a guest appearance or two on that new show, Supergirl, and is wondering why no one yet has called her.  She is currently looking for a theatrical agent.

After discovering that Peep #1 had swept up and disposed of his dislodged fur so that he could not superglue it back on, Rushton is weighing the pros and cons of wearing several hair pieces or trying a totally new look.  He is currently looking for a groomer who specializes in such things.

Nosey-Nieghbour-Cat is licking his wounds which although made only to his ego and not to his skin, have put a damper on his nosiness, to be sure, and is thinking of suing my sister.  He is currently looking for a lawyer to take his case but so far, has had no luck.  I have directed him to the Weasel Syndicate although truth be told, I don't think he stands a chance.

And as for the peep? Well she settled right back into being a peep.  A peep whose ears are incapable of movement independent of her head and whose nerves will continue to be unnerved by the goings on at my house.  What can I say? She really is nothing more than a peep.  MOUSES!

he's back!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled post for some late-breaking news...

HE'S BACK!

Yup, he's back.  Nosey-Neighbour-Cat is back and in fine form, for sure.

There I was, sittin' at my desk workin' on my blog, when I glanced out the window.  Trottin' down my driveway was a dark grey kitty whom I immediately recognised as that nosey cat from across the street.  He was back.

I know what you're thinkin'.  I know the question you're dyin' to ask.  You wanna know, where had he gone and from where was he returnin'.  Well...  he hadn't really gone anywhere.  I shall endeavour to explain.

Exactly one month ago today, Peep #1 found that ol' nosey neighbourin' cat of mine sittin' on the love seat on my veranda.  The love seat was an interestin' choice for him on account of it bein' a love seat and believe-you-me, there is certainly no love lost between that nosey kitty and my fur-fam.  Nope, no love lost, at all.  But the love seat is comfy so I can see why he chose to lie upon it rather than upon one of the chairs.  You can get a better stretch in on the love seat, you see, and if you get bored with just stretchin', you can get in some scratchin', too.  Wicker furniture is the best for scratchin'.  Believe me, I know.

Um...  Don't tell my peeps 'bout the scratchin' of the wicker.  That can be our little secret, okay? Okay.  Thanks.

Anywho...  It was Christmas mornin' and the peep found Nosey-Neighbour-Cat on my love seat. MOUSES!

The peep realised that that ol' neighbourin' cat of nosiness needed to be at his own house if he was gonna open up his prezzies from Santa and whatnot so she went out, picked him up and took him back home.  His peeps were super happy to see him.  Apparently, he had gone up a tree or somethin' the night before and gotten himself stuck up there.  His dad went up the tree after him - I'm assumin' he used a ladder although one never knows these things when it comes to peeps - but once he was close enough to grab Mr. Nosey, Mr Nosey jumped down.  He didn't wanna go in. I'm thinkin' he was hopin' to stay up late to catch a glimpse of Santa or somethin' but that's really only supposition on my part since I never actually asked him.  He and I don't have a lot of conversations, you see.

Hmm...  He and I don't have a lot of civil conversations is probably more accurate.  Best to be completely truthful when we're talking 'bout anythin' involving the big guy in red.

Anywho...  Nosey-Neighbour-Cat refused to go inside.  His mum called and called but he simply refused.  MOUSES!

When you think about it, he's lucky Santa left him any prezzies at all.  Not comin' in when your peeps call you is just the kind of behaviour that can land a kitty on the naughty list, if you know what I mean.  And that coupled with causin' your dad to start climbin' the trees...  You get my drift, I am sure.

But back to my story.  Exactly one month ago today, on Christmas mornin', Peep #1 had scooped that furry bundle of nosiness into her arms and returned him home.  That, my friends, was the last time we saw him.

The last time we saw him until today, that is.

Nosey-Neighbour-Cat's peeps must have been keepin' a super close eye on him or somethin' because he wasn't comin' over at all.  Basically what that means is that he wasn't gettin' out 'cause the moment he gets outside, he heads straight on over here to my house.  MOUSES!

You know, it's not easy keepin' Nosey-Neighbour-Cat inside.  He's quick.  Way quicker than a peep. Believe me, I know.  I've heard all about it from the first peep, for sure.

Peep #1 has been known to look after that Nosey-Neighbour-Cat on more than one occasion when his peeps were away.  She can't keep him inside, either!

One time, she tried takin' over some nip toys to see if she could distract him with the nip. EXCELLENT idea, I should think.  After givin' him his food and some cuddlin', the peep stood at the back door and tossed a nip toy across the kitchen floor.  His Royal Highness of Nosiness ran for the nip and the peep made her escape...  the first time.  Next mornin', she tried the same tactical manoeuvre but he was onto her.  Oh he went for the nip, all right, but before the peep could get out and close the door, there he was, squeezin' out behind her.  Like I said, the cat is quick.

Eventually Peep #1 gave up on the keepin' of Sir Nosey inside durin' the day.  She found that if she fed him only at night, she could make her escape out the door while he was eatin'.  Then in the mornings, she would go over to play with him for a bit but instead of servin' breakkies, she'd let him out with an open invitation to come on over to my house whenever he got hungry.  Then each evening, she would call him and he'd follow her back to his house for dinner and be willin' to spend the night indoors.

Now if you ask me, this kind of behaviour of the peep's is what has caused all the trouble in the first place.  Due to the lack of good judgement of the part of my peep, Nosey-Neighbour-Cat thinks that Peep #1 is his pal or somethin'.  Yeah, they're all palsy-walsy and whatnot.  Nothin' good ever comes from bein' palsy-walsy with neighbours who are nosey.  No wonder he trots over to my house every chance he gets.  MOUSES!

Leave it to a peep to use poor judgement.  Again I must say, MOUSES!

And trot over here is exactly what that ol' Nosey-Neighbour-Cat did this mornin'.  Yup, first chance he had, he was over here.  Over here like a flash.  Trottin' down my driveway and headin' to my house like he owned the place.  You should have seen him, struttin' about with his tail up in the air, full of confidence.

Let me tell you...  If anyone is gonna be struttin' about over here it's gonna be me.  MOUSES!

Well the peeps did a pretty good job of keepin' him out of the house today.  In other words, they didn't open the window and invite him inside.  They're learnin'.  I'll give them that.

But Nosey-Neighbour-Cat did hang out outside my kitchen window for quite some time.  Guess he was hopin' someone would let him in.  Or maybe he just wanted my peeps to know that he was safe and sound and that he missed them.  Don't know for sure on account of my not asking 'cause you know, he and I don't really conversate a whole lot.

Conversate...  interestin' word, that.  In truth, I don't believe it's a word at all.  I think the word that's meant to be used is converse.  Conversate appears to be one of those made-up words peeps on television use when appearin' before the judge with the spunk.  Peeps make up a lot of words when appearin' before her although more often than not, they're simply misusing ones already invented. MOUSES!

As for my originally scheduled blog post, please stay tuned.  A week from today, we'll discuss the pros and cons of legalizin' the nip.