the thing

*sniff*

I sniffed the....  THING lyin' before me. What could it possibly be?

I sniffed it again.  *sniff sniff*

It wasn't a nip mouse, and that was for sure.  For starters, it contained no trace of sniffable nip.  What's more, it did not look like a mouse.

Could it be a nip thing?

Nah, even a nip thing would have to contain nip.  MOUSES!

I sniffed it again.  *sniff sniff sniff*

Could it be...  a mitten?

Nope, the thing was not mitten-like.  Not mitten-like at all.  It didn't look like any mitten I had ever before seen.

On the other paw, it did kind of look like the claw of a lobster.  "Do lobsters wear mittens?" I thought to myself.  Nah, lobsters don't wear mittens.  They live in the ocean and everyone knows wet mittens get all soggy and cold.  And even if they didn't, no self-respectin' lobster would ever wear a mitten lookin' like that.  MOUSES!

And why...  Why had the thing sprouted a wart?

It was true.  On one side of the thing, there was a lumpy ol' lump.  A lump that looked wart-like, for sure.

But in all honesty, the whole thing in question looked like it had been partially chewed up by a deep-sea monster, before bein' spat out like the seeds of a melon.

Do deep-sea monsters even eat melons?  MOUSES!

Sittin' back on my haunches, I had a good think.  What did I know?  What evidence did I actually have?  If I thought it through carefully, surely I could identify the identity of the thing.

Hmmm...

Okay, so it was made out of yarn.  That much I knew.

And as I had found it in the peep's knittin' bag, I was certain she was responsible for knittin' the atrocity, for sure.

A nip mouse, it was not.  A nip thing, neither.  A knitted cover for a lobster's claw was still a consideration, although highly unlikely.

Hmmm...

Although I had already excluded the possibility of it bein' a mitten, I remembered Peep #1 workin' with some black yarn and a pattern for mittens.

Could it be...

Certainly it couldn't.

But...

MOUSES!

"Hey Peepers!" I cried.  "Is this here knitted atrocity of a thing, your audition piece for the Great Canadian Knittin' Show?  Is it actually supposed to be...  A MITTEN?  MOUSES!"

I looked at the thing lyin' before me, again.  I rubbed my eyes with a paw.  I gave my head a good shake. I spun 'round three times, before curling up into a ball, tucking my head next to my tummy, and squeezing my eyes tight for, my friends, there are some things a kitty can never unsee.  MOUSES!

I unfurled myself and rose to my paws.  Circling the thing lyin' there on the floor, I reached out with a paw, and gave it tap.

Clearly, whatever it was, it was dead.  Further evidence of the thing bein' a knitted thing of the peep's.

But it looked like no mitten I had ever before seen.  I mean, what was that other thing on the knitted thing's side?

No, not the wart.  The thing on the thing's OTHER side.

The thumb, you ask?  Ask well you might, but no peep - ever - has had a thumb that size.  Why, it had to be half the width of the wrist, for sure.  MOUSES!

"Hey Peepers!" I cried.  "Is this here knitted atrocity of a thing, a mitten for mutant peeps?"

"Or perhaps for aliens?"

Hmmm...

"HEY PEEPERS!  IS THE GREAT CANADIAN KNITTIN' SHOW ASKIN' PEOPLE TO KNIT MITTENS FOR ALIENS NOW?"

Now that sounded unrealistic even to me.

Everyone knows aliens don't wear mittens.  MOUSES!

I scratched behind my ear with a paw.

And how was this Great Canadian Knittin' Show gonna work, anyway?  A knock-off from a knock-off, for sure.  But what I was questionin' was the logistics of it all.

Whippin' up some cakes and pastries in a weekend was fine for bakin' shows, and sewin' up a little outfit in a day was fine for a sewin' bee, but knittin'?  I mean, knittin' takes time.


Saturday mornin', the contestants all start knittin' a sweater.  By that evenin', they've finished a sleeve.  Eleven million years later, the projects are ready for judging. MOUSES!

Maybe that was why the project at paw was simply a mitten.

A mitten with a super-sized thumb.

Wearable by fashion-backward lobsters and aliens, alike.

MOUSES!

kittens knittin' mittens

Let's talk kittens.

No, let's talk mittens.

NO, let's talk about kittens wearing mittens.

NO, I know something even better than that about which to talk.  Better than kittens wearing mittens, you say?  How can that be?

Let's talk about kittens wearing mittens that have been knitted by kittens. KITTENS KNITTIN' MITTENS!  Yeah, let's talk about that.

On the other paw, how 'bout we talk about my sister Mason's thumbs?  Actually, those would be on the same paw because it's because of those thumbs of hers that I'm thinking she could knit up some mittens and it's because of those thumbs of hers that if she were to wear paw wear, she would need mittens because without those thumbs of hers, she would only need socks.  And let's face it, my friends, talking about kittens knittin' socks just doesn't have the same kind of ring to it at all.  MOUSES!

Oh yes, it has been a long-held belief of mine that if ever there were a cat in my family to start knitting up mittens, it would be my sister, Mason.  Mason has a true love of the yarn, for sure. Whenever Peep #1 starts knitting up nip mice and the like, Mason is right there, paws at the ready. Peep #1 has always assumed that Mason simply wants to play with the yarn but Mason and I know better.  She wants to learn how to knit  She wants to learn how to knit mittens.  MOUSES!

And why mittens, you ask?  Well for starters, mittens rhymes with kittens.  MOUSES!

But besides that, she has those thumbs.  She needs mittens so as to accommodate her thumbs. You know, mittens instead of the socks.

And besides that, what else would a kitten who was knitting wanna knit?  MOUSES!

Scarves?

Well actually...

Now scarves, you see, are a totally different beast.  They have their pros and their cons but generally speaking, the pros outweigh the cons, to be sure.

The problem with scarves is twofold.  For starters, if they're too long, they fall into your food and get all icky.  Of course that all depends upon the food.  If the food is super yummy, the scarf isn't so much icky or soiled as it is...  flavoured.  And technically, flavoured scarves aren't all that bad. Believe me, I know.  Not that I've ever worn such a scarf myself as personally, I don't wear scarves, but I've read about these things in the kitten knittin' manuals and the like.  And I may have helped a peep's scarf...

But never mind that.  Fact of the matter is, a scarf dipped in a bowl of cream is a scarf to be enjoyed, for sure.

Now if said scarf were to be accidentally dipped into a bowl of lemon juice or something like that then... Well...  Yeah, that counts as icky as icky can be. MOUSES!

The other problem with scarves is that they can make a kitty trip something awful.  You ever try wearing a scarf while chasing a mouse?

Truth be told, I haven't either because as I stated earlier, I don't wear scarves but again, I've read all about scarf related trip-ups in the knitting manuals for kittens and apparently it's a huge problem in areas where kittens regularly wear scarves with their mittens.  MOUSES!

But the knitting of scarves is not to be totally ignored by knittin' kittens.  A scarf, you see, in a pinch, can be used as an excellent interactive toy to be played with, with the peeps.  Oh yes, a scarf can make a wonderful toy to be chased and caught and then let go and chased some more. Dip that scarf in a little cream and you have one very tasty toy, to be sure.  Dip it in a little tuna juice and....

Mmmm....  tuna.  *sighs*

Now, where was I?  OH YES, I was dreaming of tuna juice flavoured knitted scarves.

Now the thing with these scarves is that if a kitty wants a scarf toy, especially a flavoured scarf toy, a kitty is most likely gonna need to knit said scarf up by himself, or of course, by a sister with thumbs.  Why, you ask?  Well I'll tell you why, my friends.  The reason is as simple as pie.

Pie?  Chicken Pot Pie?  Chicken Pot Pie flavoured scarves?  Mmmm....

But getting back on track.  Peeps generally tend to frown upon their scarves being dipped into various flavouring ingredients on account of peeps generally not being able to identify a good thing when they see it.  Or taste it.  Or smell it.  Or whatever.

And speaking of smells...

You dip a peep's knitted scarf into a bowl of tuna juice and a week later, you'll be hearing about nothing else but the smell of that scarf, from your peeps.  And what you're hearing won't likely be good, either.  It happens. Happens more often than you might think.  MOUSES!

So this, my friends, is why we cats need to start knitting ourselves. Knitting mittens and scarves and the like.  As I am personally thumbless, I must rely upon my sister Mason's knitting skills. Unfortunately, she has yet to acquire any.  That's right, she has yet to learn how to knit but I'm confident that I'll have that sister kitten of mine knittin' mittens in no time.  And scarves, of course, too.  Scarf toys, that is.  And they will be ever so fine.  Especially once they've been dipped into the tuna.  MOUSES!